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  • Lookin' for con-crit: "Saw My Baby and the Devil"

    EDIT / UPDATE: Latest mix below (Now with cowbell!)


    Haven't exactly been burning up the foolscap, but I have a new one I need some lyrical and/or other feedback on. Despite the overblown production, it's very much a work-in-progress.

    The lyrics are probably most in play. I think I need to rewrite one of the choruses to clear up some potential pronoun confusion. (It's the devil's plan and the 'Baby' in question is female, thank you very much. ) And, frankly, it's a little thin on plot.

    ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xnWTHNNluVg
    - you can watch it full screen there and actually have a chance of making out the lyrics)



    Saw My Baby and the Devil

    saw my baby with the devil
    walkin' side by side
    they looked so good together
    couldn't help but feel a twinge of foolish pride

    the devil had his hand in her hip pocket
    she had a pretty smile on her face
    he grinned as he saw me watching
    but my baby looked away

    have a drink on the devil
    step right up and shake his hand
    and raise a glass to my baby while your at it
    cause it's all a part of his plan



    the devil caught me at a party
    cornered me by the bar
    he wore Armani and Versace
    he looked just like a rising Nashville star

    "so have a drink, on the devil"
    he smiled as he said to me:
    "your heart may belong to your baby
    but your baby belongs to me"


    have a drink on the devil
    step right up and shake his hand
    and raise a glass to my baby while your at it
    cause it's all a part of his plan

    (C)2010, TK Major
    .

    music and social links | recent listening

  • #2
    sounds good to me drop word foolish and drop both while you're at it and you got a winner

    Comment


    • #3
      Thanks, qutoxic!

      So...
      are you saying drop both foolish and pride and chop the line off at twinge?

      (My mind races looking for rhymes... it cringes, becomes unhinged, the flames of doubt singe it... I search the fringe of my consciousness looking for a rhyme... but my idea center seems stingey... if I was still a drinkin' man, the frustration might send me out on a binge, without a tinge of regret. Er... not that I'd force a rhyme or anything. )

      Seriously, I'll roll that around. (Although I have to admit, I sort of like him having a twinge of foolish pride. You know, that whole she used to be mine thing. But maybe I can come up with something better.)

      Thanks!
      .

      music and social links | recent listening

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      • #4
        Heavy early Stones vibe. I think it's pretty cool :-) What are you using for your horn sexetion? Sounds really good to me.
        We do this because we love music in a way that others may never understand...

        www.reverbnation.com/rockinrobby

        Dukie? Don't step in it? Don't touch it? Don't smell it? Avoid it at all costs... It's poo? And who want's to be associated with poo? Not me...

        Comment


        • #5
          Heavy early Stones vibe. I think it's pretty cool :-) What are you using for your horn sexetion? Sounds really good to me.

          Yeah. I got done with the vocal take and started listening back and I thought... Oh, geez, now I'm doing Jagger. So to speak. I guess I just picked up the vibe from the arrangement as it developed... I certainly wasn't out to do a Stones thing. But I had just been listening to some recent Stones (not the usual Stones fare around Chez blue2blue). Although, to me, this sounds a little more like 70s Stones. But then, so did some of the recent Stones stuff.

          I was hoping the horns worked for others. I really liked them, myself, when I was patch shopping through my various wavetable synths and sound collections. But you know, you can kind of delude yourself on this stuff. These horns are from Roland/Sonar's TTS wavetable synth. Not bad for thrown in with the DAW for 'free.'
          .

          music and social links | recent listening

          Comment


          • #6
            The vocals have a bit too much of a PRS-toting blooze singer feel for me. I fully agree that you have a pronoun problem, but it's only a problem if you're listening to the lyrics, and this one is fun enough that you don't have to think too hard about it. If you need something to worry about, I'd think about getting more difference between your verse and chorus melody.
            Jukejoint Handmedowns (my band)

            Find our album on iTunes!

            A Month of Songs (Songwriting blog)







            Originally Posted by gennation


            Neither of us is gay or anything, it just happened.

            Comment


            • #7
              Paul Reed Smith?!? Performing Rights Society?!? Poverty Reduction Strategy?!?

              As I told Robby, above, I got done with the vocal, listened back, and realized that I was 'doing Jagger' -- which actually gave me a chuckle. But including jokes at your own expense is tricky stuff. Also, I'm feeling a bit pitch-conscious today and I have to admit there are more than a few spots in that vocal where what pitch that can be perceived is feeling a bit off. Too off. Off the wrong direction. Anyhow, it's gotta be redone.

              Which is why I'm also eager to straighten out the pronoun issue... although, I have to say that there's a certain baiting quality I sort of appreciate there, you know, where you trick people into paying special attenion: What did he just say? But still safe, in that, heh, not that there's anything wrong with that kind of way, since it's already explained in the second verse that baby is a she.

              I've got a few changes aggendized. One of my FB pals (who I used to jam with in the 3DW) was generally complimenting the song but got in the of course, I prefer real drums thing, so I'm thinkin' I'm going to go in and swap out the brushes kit for a conventional rock kit, which I think will probably draw less attention to itself. (Er... not that this is the secret MIDI shame production forum. )


              [...] I fully agree that you have a pronoun problem, but it's only a problem if you're listening to the lyrics, and this one is fun enough that you don't have to think too hard about it. If you need something to worry about, I'd think about getting more difference between your verse and chorus melody.
              Isn't it enough that I came up with a different chord cadence? Do I have to come up with a new melody?

              Ah geez...
              the guys at the union hall never said it was gonna be this hard...




              Thanks, CM! I always pay special attention to your critiques.
              .

              music and social links | recent listening

              Comment


              • #8
                I like it. Yes, it definitely sounds like you are funneling the spirit of o' Mick there a bit too much.

                Have to give it a second pass, but initial thoughts is that in 2 places you seem to be forcing too many syllables.. "foolish pride" may roll better as "fools pride" and "rising Nashville star", may run better off the tongue by dropping either "rising" or "Nashville".

                Now, the lyrics are in progress, and I like the idea behind it, but needs some progression. I was playing "The Weight" with some buddies last weekend, and your story needs some such progression. Some kind of arc, I get where you are coming from, but the devil needs some more pressence, or the story needs to progress. Don't loose your concept though, it's strong and I like it.



                On a side note and similar note, I've been trying to realize a song idea I had last week entitled "The Devil has been Drinking"... haven't gotten very far with it yet but it's another one of those ideas that keeps rattling about the brain.

                Comment


                • #9
                  The horns are the best part. That's really dope.
                  Correction - "max is wrong, abrasive and, likely, a felon"

                  finally found it ... the dumbest person on the internet. matximus.

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                  • #10
                    And I like the lyrics as is. But if you're going to rework on the lyric, narrative wise, like he suggested: My approach would be to steer clear of the story angle. And just go to town on the simple angle of seeing your woman with the Devil. God damn that stings. Don't need to say anything more than that. Color that imagine in - what more needs to be said? Christ.

                    And in my experience, anytime you lose a woman, the dude she starts banging never gives you a freaking second thought. Why would he? That's what's so infuriating about the whole situation.
                    Correction - "max is wrong, abrasive and, likely, a felon"

                    finally found it ... the dumbest person on the internet. matximus.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Very cool. Great production. Liked most everything, production-wise. Melodically great. Vocally quite good. (Couple notes here and there. But quite enjoyable).

                      Lyrically it's leaving me a little flat in some places:
                      1. I'm not understanding the protagonist's feeling. He sees his girl with the Devil and feels proud ? ? ? ?

                      2. I don't think of Armani and Versace as "Nashville" in style; more like Manhattan.

                      3. And why would I want to have a drink with the Devil? Why wouldn't I run in fear from him?

                      4. And just what IS his plan ?

                      (I know I'm a picky lyrics guy. I come from more of a folkie/singer-songwriter sensitivity where a song has a purpose to communicate a story/idea/something; not just to create a mood.)


                      ((. . . , and my songs don't often meet up to my own standards. But we keep trying, don't we.))
                      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dGxDwt26FZc
                      http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/marshallsongs
                      http://www.reverbnation.com/#!/marshallsongs

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Yeah. I got done with the vocal take and started listening back and I thought... Oh, geez, now I'm doing Jagger. So to speak. I guess I just picked up the vibe from the arrangement as it developed... I certainly wasn't out to do a Stones thing. But I had just been listening to some recent Stones (not the usual Stones fare around Chez blue2blue). Although, to me, this sounds a little more like 70s Stones. But then, so did some of the recent Stones stuff.

                        I was hoping the horns worked for others. I really liked them, myself, when I was patch shopping through my various wavetable synths and sound collections. But you know, you can kind of delude yourself on this stuff. These horns are from Roland/Sonar's TTS wavetable synth. Not bad for thrown in with the DAW for 'free.'


                        Hey it's not a bad thing dude? The stones are a classic Rock band! I should have just said it gave me a stones vibe? But it's not just the vox? It's the whole vibe? But again, I think that's cool... I sound like Don Henley, Jackson Browne, and Bryan Adams? And whenever anyone points that out? I smile BIG! :-) Roland did OK there with their horns? I use Mojo Horns, and I "really" like them. (soon to be heard on the Christmas release which will not be redacted?)
                        We do this because we love music in a way that others may never understand...

                        www.reverbnation.com/rockinrobby

                        Dukie? Don't step in it? Don't touch it? Don't smell it? Avoid it at all costs... It's poo? And who want's to be associated with poo? Not me...

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Hey it's not a bad thing dude? The stones are a classic Rock band! I should have just said it gave me a stones vibe? But it's not just the vox? It's the whole vibe? But again, I think that's cool... I sound like Don Henley, Jackson Browne, and Bryan Adams? And whenever anyone points that out? I smile BIG! :-) Roland did OK there with their horns? I use Mojo Horns, and I "really" like them. (soon to be heard on the Christmas release which will not be redacted?)
                          It just happened. I used to sound more like Jagger and also Bowie in his Dylan-cum-Iggy stage and I drove it out of myself with a mental flail. I still have the scars. Mental, of course. As I explained, the secret of the horns in this case ('cause they're not the greatest horn samples I've heard or even have, they were from the synth I already had up because that's where the bass instrument was from. Still, I was digging them and then I thought, I need someting in the middle and I remembered someone, somewhere suggesting that fuzz is a natural with horn sections -- and I've noticed that many times in mixes I liked. They're very complementary sounds, oddly enough. The first couple times I saw Chicago, the were in there jazz rock band phase and Katz's driving, usually fuzzed out guitar was prominent. In fact, that might have been one of the things that put it in my head. I remember when I went to see them, I was a little dubious. But they were really great. It was nothing like the 70s band, although you sort of capture some of it in the first couple albums, if I recall correctly. Anyhow, a long way between these honkers on my track and a real section. But, you know, think of all the badly recorded real horns you ever heard... and how they could still sound cool, anyway, if they were playing the right thing. The music is often more important than any one, particular instrument.


                          I did spend a little time tinkering the mix this evening (a lot easier than rewriting or resinging -- but I know I've gotta), and replaced the brushes kit I'd been using with a Frankenstein custom kit of my own whimsical concoction. I like the thrift store drum kit mentality. I'll see if I can justify putting any more time in it right now. I may leave it more or less as it is through the weekend.
                          .

                          music and social links | recent listening

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                          • #14
                            I really like what you've done here, reminds me of the stones...
                            http://www.world-of-songwriting.com/

                            Craig S.

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                            • #15
                              Saw my Baby walking with the Devil
                              Hurt me down deep in side
                              But they looked so good together
                              Couldn't help but feel a twinge of foolish pride


                              I know the syllables don't work out. But it puts the situation in clearer focus. The conflict is out in the open, not missed.

                              have a drink on the devil
                              don't be afraid just shake his hand
                              and raise a glass to my baby while your at it
                              cause it's all a part of his plan


                              That heightens the ambiguity of the situation. (You have to fear the Devil. It's part of his plan, isn't it?; to lure us in and chop our heads off figuratively. . . . , at least every time I've danced with him.)
                              http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dGxDwt26FZc
                              http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/marshallsongs
                              http://www.reverbnation.com/#!/marshallsongs

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