Fictional band bios

[Brian Krashpad]

Ever since I read, with some bemusement, the back cover of Cheap Trick's first album, I've found fictitious band bios at turns amusing and frustrating.

 

The analytical side of me wants the true facts, but usually what's made up is a lot more interesting.

 

Recently we got a new rhythm section for our band and when I asked the guys what they wanted me to say about them, they both made the mistake of saying "Just make something up, say whatever you want."

 

So here's the bio for our new drummer, Justin. In real life he has a Ph. D. and works as a prof at the U. of Florida. He used to be in a band called "Anvil Chorus." I warped those true facts into a ficitious bio for him and here's the result (note, this was posted on a local music forum, not on our band website):

 

Just wanted to officially announce that Justin "Anvil" Sanchez has joined Crash Pad as our drummer. Justin was born in Castro's Cuba and escaped on a raft made of upturned maple drum shells roped together with leftover hemp from the secret government marijuana fields there.

 

Given that he was only 9 years old at the time, instead of making it to the US, prevailing currents landed him in the Yucatan, where he took up the profession of blacksmith and acquired both his nickname and his love for percussion. Eventually making it overland to the United States, Justin was recruited by the CIA, for whom he currently works as a field agent, while maintaining his "cover" of employment at some office at UF where everybody uses really big words and looks through microscopes and builds robots with lasers and things.

 

Tell me what you think. Either of the above, or of the whole concept of fake bios. Or post fake bios you've done.

 

Discuss amongst yourselves. Bio for our bassist to come as a bump later.

 

 

BK

[dix0r]

that was amazing :]

 

i've never really thought of doing that before, but i may have to give that a try now. for my band though, i'd make them less obviously fake, but still crazy, just so people don't know wtf is wrong with us :]

[JacieFB]

I like the concept. I think I'd go with something more subtle, though. But I guess that's my style...I'd want to write something that observing from 5 feet away, you're immersed and have no idea, but at 1000 feet, you're know you've been duped. That's often how I write songs, too. Satirically.

[GCDEF]

Unless it's very subtle, I don't see the point. I doubt that would get anybody to hire or come and see your band, but keep in mind I'm just old and crotchety.

[fastplant]

I had a band with a fake bio a while back, it was pretty good, I'll have to see if I can find it.

[Brian Krashpad]

 

Originally posted by GCDEF Unless it's very subtle, I don't see the point. I doubt that would get anybody to hire or come and see your band, but keep in mind I'm just old and crotchety.

 

 

Well, see, this is for a punk rock band. So no one will hire us or come see us anyhow.

 

No harm, no foul.

 

BK

[JacieFB]

 

Originally posted by Brian Krashpad Well, see, this is for a punk rock band. So no one will hire us or come see us anyhow. BK

 

 

This sounds too familiar for me.

[Brian Krashpad]

Oh, I forgot the punchline to the bio.

 

The bio was followed by thanks to our former and outgoing members and told of our plans to probably move our current bassist to guitar, rather than get a new second guitarist. (This was necessary because we'd practiced with one guitarist and prior to a subsequent show, we asked him if he'd like to play one song at our next show, since our outgoing guitarist got bored playing it, and would be playing after having done a set in his own main band. Unfortunately this lark gave the guy the impression that he was in the band, despite that we told him that we were still auditioning others, and he was going around town telling people he was our new guitarist.)

 

Anyhow, the post closed like this:

 

If you see Justin out and about be sure to congratulate him, but be careful what you say otherwise.

 

He's usually wearing a wire.

 

BK

[Brian Krashpad]

Originally posted by JacieFB This sounds too familiar for me.

 

I find that being in a commercially totally unviable band is liberating. This does not mean I wouldn't like to actually be in a popular band making money and having drunken frat girls flash their breasteses at our shows.

 

But it does mean that I've resolved to have fun no matter what. The fact that the entire band makes ten dollars for the set or that 4 people came out to see us becomes totally irrelevant and we can concentrate on making the best music we can and putting on the best show we can. Any money made or people who come see us is gravy. We are playing solely for our own enjoyment.

 

Which is all I ever wanted to do anyhow.

 

 

BK

[Terry Allan Hall]

Originally posted by Brian Krashpad Ever since I read, with some bemusement, the back cover of Cheap Trick's first album, I've found fictitious band bios at turns amusing and frustrating. The analytical side of me wants the true facts, but usually what's made up is a lot more interesting. Recently we got a new rhythm section for our band and when I asked the guys what they wanted me to say about them, they both made the mistake of saying "Just make something up, say whatever you want." So here's the bio for our new drummer, Justin. In real life he has a Ph. D. and works as a prof at the U. of Florida. He used to be in a band called "Anvil Chorus." I warped those true facts into a ficitious bio for him and here's the result (note, this was posted on a local music forum, not on our band website): Just wanted to officially announce that Justin "Anvil" Sanchez has joined Crash Pad as our drummer. Justin was born in Castro's Cuba and escaped on a raft made of upturned maple drum shells roped together with leftover hemp from the secret government marijuana fields there. Given that he was only 9 years old at the time, instead of making it to the US, prevailing currents landed him in the Yucatan, where he took up the profession of blacksmith and acquired both his nickname and his love for percussion. Eventually making it overland to the United States, Justin was recruited by the CIA, for whom he currently works as a field agent, while maintaining his "cover" of employment at some office at UF where everybody uses really big words and looks through microscopes and builds robots with lasers and things. Tell me what you think. Either of the above, or of the whole concept of fake bios. Or post fake bios you've done. Discuss amongst yourselves. Bio for our bassist to come as a bump later. BK

 

Now THAT'S Rock 'n' Roll!

[JacieFB]

Originally posted by Brian Krashpad I find that being in a commercially totally unviable band is liberating. This does not mean I wouldn't like to actually be in a popular band making money and having drunken frat girls flash their breasteses at our shows. But it does mean that I've resolved to have fun no matter what. The fact that the entire band makes ten dollars for the set or that 4 people came out to see us becomes totally irrelevant and we can concentrate on making the best music we can and putting on the best show we can. Any money made or people who come see us is gravy. We are playing solely for our own enjoyment. Which is all I ever wanted to do anyhow. BK

 

 

I want to play with your band sometime.

[Brian Krashpad]

Originally posted by JacieFB I want to play with your band sometime.

 

That'd be fun. Where are you? Come down to FL and we'll set something up.

 

Btw, I shouldn't make it seem that we have absolutely no little "commercial" type successes. We've managed to put out a well-received full-length CD despite not being signed by anyone, and got an award once for being the most popular/best local punk band (we weren't, but I've got a little trophy and certificate saying otherwise, dammit!), and were one of 16 original-music bands chosen to compete in a local battle fo the bands a month or so ago (iirc only 2 of the 16 were punk bands). And we've actually got enough money in the band fund to go do most of the recording for our next full-length (because we don't pay ourselves, the money just goes into a fund for recording, merch, and other band expenses) .

 

What keeps surprising me is that I can continue to find another 3 people in my town who'll agree to do this with me.

 

Does an old man's heart good, I tells ya.

 

BK

[JacieFB]

 

Originally posted by Brian Krashpad That'd be fun. Where are you? Come down to FL and we'll set something up. Btw, I shouldn't make it seem that we have absolutely no little "commercial" type successes. We've managed to put out a well-received full-length CD despite not being signed by anyone, and got an award once for being the most popular/best local punk band (we weren't, but I've got a little trophy and certificate saying otherwise, dammit!), and were one of 16 original-music bands chosen to compete in a local battle fo the bands a month or so ago (iirc only 2 of the 16 were punk bands). And we've actually got enough money in the band fund to go do most of the recording for our next full-length (because we don't pay ourselves, the money just goes into a fund for recording, merch, and other band expenses) . What keeps surprising me is that I can continue to find another 3 people in my town who'll agree to do this with me. Does an old man's heart good, I tells ya. BK

 

 

 

I'm from Cincinnati. We'll be headed your way this coming spring. We made lots of friends in Florida last time(August), but couldn't get a show in your area. You have definitely accomplished things! We're trying to find a way to make touring self-sustainable...and we've almost done it. We've just struggled keeping like-minded bandmates. I'll definitely keep in touch and talk more as touring gets closer to being a reality again. Likewise, if you find yourself headed this direction, let me know.

[Brian Krashpad]

Here's the bio I did in the same thread as the one above for our drummer. This is for our bassist Drew.

 

Factual bits put into the bio: Drew was born in the Florida Panhandle, and was in the Navy, and does play a Gibson RD bass with active electronics. He has a side electronic music project called OMGLOL!!!!!11!

 

Those bits yielded the following:

 

To round out the new rhythm section, Crash Pad has recently been joined by bassist Drew Omglol. Drew was born in a small Panhandle town, called, oddly enough, Panhandle. Apparently a lot of the people there were down on their luck and took up asking strangers for money, which was a lot less physical labor that shrimping. Unfortunately the name of the town proved confusing enough that few wealthy persons ever passed through, and thus many of the Panhandlers moved away and can be seen in the downtown areas of cities and towns all across this great nation of ours.

 

Panhandle (the town, not the whole region) was totally destroyed by Hurricane Opal's storm surge in 1995. So don't go looking for it on any maps or anything.

 

Fortunately Drew had already left Panhandle (the town) prior to it's destruction. A proud graduate and indeed Salutatorian of Panhandle Junior High, Drew was tall for his age, and disgusted by his townsfolk always asking him for smokes, lied about his age and joined the United States Navy to see the world.

 

Despite that no one in Panhandle (the town) had ever seen a computer, Drew learned all about them in the Navy and quickly rose through the ranks to become the youngest submarine commander in US Navy history. He was known for his cool head in battle situations and his good sense of humor, to whence his stage name "Omglol" is a reference.

 

During his long submarine tours of duty, Drew began playing playing bass to while away the undersea hours. He found that the sound produced by the active electronics of a vintage Gibson RD created a pleasing interaction with the shipboard computer systems, and that model became his axe of choice. Although one time when he switched the bass off, a missile was launched, it was safely detonated over the Atlantic while still en route to Moscow.

 

While on one of his now-famous submarine missions off the coast of the former Soviet Union, Drew met an OGA assigned to his sub, by the name of Justin "Anvil" Sanchez. Drew discovered that the young CIA operative was also a drummer, and the two decided to leave government work and pursue music instead. The rest is punk rock history.

 

BK

[wheresgrant3]

Originally posted by Brian Krashpad Ever since I read, with some bemusement, the back cover of Cheap Trick's first album, I've found fictitious band bios at turns amusing and frustrating. The analytical side of me wants the true facts, but usually what's made up is a lot more interesting. Recently we got a new rhythm section for our band and when I asked the guys what they wanted me to say about them, they both made the mistake of saying "Just make something up, say whatever you want." So here's the bio for our new drummer, Justin. In real life he has a Ph. D. and works as a prof at the U. of Florida. He used to be in a band called "Anvil Chorus." I warped those true facts into a ficitious bio for him and here's the result (note, this was posted on a local music forum, not on our band website): Just wanted to officially announce that Justin "Anvil" Sanchez has joined Crash Pad as our drummer. Justin was born in Castro's Cuba and escaped on a raft made of upturned maple drum shells roped together with leftover hemp from the secret government marijuana fields there. Given that he was only 9 years old at the time, instead of making it to the US, prevailing currents landed him in the Yucatan, where he took up the profession of blacksmith and acquired both his nickname and his love for percussion. Eventually making it overland to the United States, Justin was recruited by the CIA, for whom he currently works as a field agent, while maintaining his "cover" of employment at some office at UF where everybody uses really big words and looks through microscopes and builds robots with lasers and things. Tell me what you think. Either of the above, or of the whole concept of fake bios. Or post fake bios you've done. Discuss amongst yourselves. Bio for our bassist to come as a bump later. BK

 

Humor and music go hand in hand with me....

[brassic]

 

Originally posted by Brian Krashpad What keeps surprising me is that I can continue to find another 3 people in my town who'll agree to do this with me.

 

 

True artists don't do it for the applause.

 

Music is a release. It's an expression of what's inside. "Good" or "Not Good", "Fame" "Commercial Viability" etc. are by-products of that release.

 

There's always willing candidates for true rock and roll spirit.

 

There's nothing wrong with wanting to "make it" but there is also something very attractive about doing stuff simply because it makes you happy.

[Dave Martin]

I occasionally sub with a band where the leader puts promo/bio material on the tables at gigs. The first time I did the gig, he asked me what I wanted written. and ever since, when I work with the Western Swingers, under my name is the sentence:

 

"Dave Martin has never been convicted of a felony in Tennessee."

[HuskerDude]

Originally posted by Dave Martin I occasionally sub with a band where the leader puts promo/bio material on the tables at gigs. The first time I did the gig, he asked me what I wanted written. and ever since, when I work with the Western Swingers, under my name is the sentence: "Dave Martin has never been convicted of a felony in Tennessee."

 

I'm reasonably certain that's the best musician bio I've ever seen. :D

[Scheming Demon]

In the bands I've been in it has never occurred to me to write a fictitious bio. I guess we're dullards and unimaginative.

 

In our particular case we were seriously courting labels and everything had to be factual.

 

However, if it fits the band, comic bios like yours are great. While the bands I've been in certainly have a sense of humor there was just no place for bios like that.

 

So I would say if it's not going to hurt the band than why not. Have fun. If that truly is the personality of the band then do it anyway.