"Stupid stories!"

[vanlatte]

Originally posted by MrKnobs Dang, I wish I could figure out how to post a poll. Dying to know what subjects in this thread are interesting to the masses. Terry D.

Well personally, just about ANYTHING you write is interesting to this segement of the masses

Keep 'em comin'!

[bassknave]

Originally posted by Six String Stuntman Steve ...The leader of the band is the security guard in our school, a gem of a chap by the name of Gurung. He supervises the band and plays the bagpipes. One day when we were speeding up mid beat, he was playing his pipes and suddenly stopped, started coughing like mad, and nearly fell over. When he did regain balance he started blasting us real bad. Now this guy actually served in the army and even has a knife scar on his face. He's not big, but when he gets mad, people get running! Turns out the poor guy couldn't breathe mid note because we were playing too fast! -Nigel

 

 

Little guy? Named Gurung? Royal Army? Knife scar?

 

Me boy, you've got a Gurkha there! Bet he's quiet, tough as nails and does not lie.

 

Phil

[ashivraj]

Originally posted by bassknave Little guy? Named Gurung? Royal Army? Knife scar? Me boy, you've got a Gurkha there! Bet he's quiet, tough as nails and does not lie. Phil

 

 

im amazed.

 

didnt quite sum1 to figure out EXACTLY who and what he is, based on steve's description...

 

oh exalted one... i worship the ground you walk on... i shall forever hold in my high esteem the bass strings you break... and the speakers you blow... accept me as thy humble disciple, master, and let me serve thou...

 

AS:D

[Six String Stuntman Steve]

Originally posted by bassknave Little guy? Named Gurung? Royal Army? Knife scar? Me boy, you've got a Gurkha there! Bet he's quiet, tough as nails and does not lie. Phil

Wow! You got it bang on! Not baaad at all. I didn't say he was a gurkha simply because I doubted many people would know who they are.

Yep he's a silent guy. I've never seen him get REALLY angry....and I don't think I ever want to.

So temme, where are you from?

-Nigel

[Zomby Woof]

These stories are killing me Keep em coming.

MrKnobs, you must write a book. These stories deserve a larger audience.

[bassknave]

Originally posted by Six String Stuntman Steve Wow! You got it bang on! Not baaad at all. I didn't say he was a gurkha simply because I doubted many people would know who they are. Yep he's a silent guy. I've never seen him get REALLY angry....and I don't think I ever want to. So temme, where are you from? -Nigel

Wisconsin, but:

A: I've been around, and
B: I'm a military historian by avocation.

Phil

[Six String Stuntman Steve]

Originally posted by bassknave B: I'm a military historian by avocation.

That explains it.

[Soundguy118]

I guess I'll resurrect this thread with a little anecdote.

I was working at a conference center which had a 1500 seat theater. Did mostly theatrical stuff, but some music. This venue also had a 12'X12' motorized projection screen. THis theater is old and it doesn't have a fly system, so the screen comes out of this box that hangs down from the shell over the stage.

One night the screen was down and my co-production manager was on the stage focusing lights for the next day's show. He sets the ladder near the screen but then decides that it's in his way. So he goes back stage to flip the switch to send the screen up.

Well, the screen has a metal pipe in the bottom of it to keep it straight. THis pipe sticks out past the edge of the screen about 6 inches on each side. The pipe gets caught on the ladder and the screen rips about 10 feet up from the bottom. The tear got about 1/2 way through the screen before the guy finally sut off the motor. I was standing in the first row of seats watching this horror.

It ended up being that the screen had to be completely replaced. The people in charge decided to replace not only the fabric, but the motor and the casing too, all of which was about a decade old.

The total cost for all this? about 10 grand. What really sucks is that some of this money was the money that we were about to spend on a nice new soundcraft console, which the place needed. We actually had it all picked out and everything

Josef

[IsildursBane]

bump.

c'mon guys. somebody's gotta have something. Mr Knobs?

-Dan

[IsildursBane]

>The mood has to be just right for me to tell one, though.

Ah, I see. You're showing the signs of a skilled storyteller. All keep them wanting more... :-)

Here's your list:


the two lesbians,
*the tour for the mexican mafia,
the fistfight with the born again guy,
the chick pulling the train backstage at GS,
*the high speed car chase (shots fired),
the stolen church fire extinguisher,
*the "party" with "Candy" and "Sandy",
the dude who plays slap bass with his feet,
my singer Julie and the two strippers,
the "jewelled" flagpole at Dime Box,
the mirror at Kashim,
Joanna the puker,
Mooning at the radio station,
the soundman's mother,
*standoff in Mexia, TX,
cop in a box,
*my name is Blanca M.,
*mexican border search,
a little fun with wireless guitar,
Dime Box body slam,
Light guy mixes "Cotton Eye Joe",
See-through dimmer pack,
TV stolen solo by Bill B.,
Kevin plays in the wrong key,
Bathroom boob flasher,
ShowCo transistorized George S.,
Melting w/ the big boys at Silver Wings,
"Barnell" and the girls,


Hmmm... "Dime Box body slam" and "Cotton Eyed Joe" sound interesting. :-)

-Dan.

[Tripoutski]

You know, I have been reading this thread diligently for a while thinking that I had nothing to add. The majority of my sound reinforcement days were in the 80

[Zeromus-X]

More of a horror story than a "stupid story", but I've seen a few of these, so here goes. Brace yourselves. This happened last night. I'm the bassist in my band, for the record.

We'd been waiting over a month for the show, since someone from a major label was supposed to be out there. He ended up calling us to tell us he wasn't gonna be able to make it. Turns out that was the best news we'd heard all night.

So I get to the club around 7:15. We're not supposed to go on until 9:30, but I have to set up our lights and trusses, put up the backdrop, etc. I notice there's still a band playing. We were to go 2nd, but on the "late show" -- the club does an early and a late show for some reason. The early show was supposed to end around 7:30, with the late one starting at 9:00.

9:30 rolls aroud and the "early show" is still going on. The last band is up, but still. This brings about a small problem with setting up my stuff, but whatever. The rest of the band is there by now as well. The club tries to tell us we're headlining, meaning we wouldn't go on until about 12:30 AM at least. That didn't fly. We ended up settling with going 3rd, around 11:30. I hate being an asshole about set times and stuff, but our guitarist has to be up at 6 AM for work, and two of our band members had graduation that morning. Oh well.

During the two bands before us, I'm setting up our lights and cables and stuff off to the back of the place. I've got everything set up so that when the 2nd band finishes, all I have to do is run two trusses up front, secure them, and plug them in. I've got the rest of our lights situated likewise -- pick 'em up and they're all set and on and ready, just need to be plugged into the wall and foot controller. I recruit two other people there to put up the white backdrop for me, since that would take up way too much time.

By now it's starting to rain quite a bit, so I head outside to help the rest of the band get the stuff out of the van. We keep everything as covered as possible during this so that it doesn't get wet. No big deals. The 2nd band ends a bit before we thought they would, so we rush our stuff up to stage. I'm plugging in extension cords left and right, someone else set my rig up on stage. I notice the ground pin on the extension cord I'm trying to plug in is severely mutilated. Rather than defeat it, which would have been the only other option, I simply didn't plug in our strobes. Which sucks, because I spent twenty minutes setting them up on the trusses (thanks for the help, Skippii!) beforehand. Oh well.

We turn everything on, sounds good. Fog machine starts pumping stuff out, all lights working, everyone can see. Starts out on a roll. My first night using my new wireless at an actual show, so I'm set.

We get about halfway through the first song, and I lose all power. Literally. The entire rack, poweramp, you name it. The strange thing is, I'm plugged into the same strip as our lights, and they're still on. Panic ensues. This was the one night at the club that we mic'd the amp instead of running direct from SansAmp, of course, or else it might have been salvagable. The soundman sees something is majorly wrong with the power and comes up to me behind the stage, along with the bassist from another band playing that night. I'm up on stage playing as if nothing's really happening (I hate it when bands just stop when something screws up -- I'm sure half the people in the audience didn't notice anything different with the sound, so I'll let them believe that) and those guys are behind my rig checking everything. Unfortunately the fog machine is right behind my amp, and it's a 100% dense ball of fog back there. Ripped the cord out of the wall so it'd hopefully clear up, but that would take a while.

They plug the poweramp into the same plug as the lights to see if we can get sound back. In a matter of milliseconds, all our lights shut off. Not good. Poweramp unplugged and lights plugged back in.

Wireless unit plugged into same plug guitarist is using. No power. Not good.

This goes the same for the preamp, compressor, EQ, and noise gate. My tuner worked in the plug. I know the plug isn't screwed up or anything when I see this. More panic ensues. I've given up the "fake" playing at this point, to jump back behind stage and figure out what the hell is going on.

During this time, the lead guitarist (to my left) has had his Kaoss Pad, which is in the center of his signal chain, completely die on him. Someone from the floor who was moshing had fallen onto the stage and landed on some stuff, jarring the 9V adapter input which is loose anyway. His input jack on his guitar is also cutting in and out, and he's got no sound. This is *quite* noticible, but the rest of the band finishes up the song. A few seconds later the sampler starts blinking on and off, freaking out. The Kaoss pad doesn't. The rest of his pedals are fine.

A few minutes later, someone spills a full cup of water on the rhythm guitarist's digital delay pedal. It becomes completely unresponsive to any sort of touch. He's stuck with the delay on and the distortion on full. In between parts he cuts the delay to its lowest setting so it doesn't sound really noticible.

By the end of the set, I was playing my bass through a 25' speaker cable into the snake, straight to board. Couldn't hear any of it on stage. We had to cut a few songs from the set because of the delay thing with the guitar. I find a flashlight and check out behind the stage. It's completely covered in puddles. All our cords are sitting in water at some point in their line. We didn't see this beforehand to that extent because it was so dark. My rack case lid, which was off to stage right, had been filled with water when someone's cup seems to have been knocked down, so I pick it up and it immediately starts spilling all over the place.

...

Well that was longer than I thought it'd be, but oh well. I don't see many ways that show could have gotten worse, especially if I'm going to have to send every piece of gear I own in for repair.



I originally posted this in the bass forum, but I think it qualifies here.

[ewfd]

I'm in a band with a few of my friends (ages 20+) from my local church, and we were approached a few weeks ago by a promoter from Houston. They were putting on a show at a youth center in my hometown, and they needed a local act to open for the headlining band. So being the nice guys we are, we accepted.

When we got to the youth center to set up our gear, there were these three 14 year old kids on the stage banging around on the headliners gear. So I told them "Hey! What do you guys think you're doing?! Stop messing around with that stuff!"

Turned out those pre-pubsecent boys WERE the band.


Despite the incident, we went ahead and opened the show, and had a fairly good set.

When those kids took the stage after us, they played like a band that listens to too much Creed and Metallica while they're writing their songs. Same stupid fast-and-furious 30 second solo during each song.. no artistry at all.. crappy dull lyrics.. the whole nine yards..


So yeah, that's the worst gig I've ever had to do. I'm still embarassed to this day that we had to play a subordinant role to those 9th grade, no-talent, braces equiped, headbanging, jnco jockeys.

[dpothecary]

You have joined the legions of people who have supported talentless losers. I have been in both places. We've supported some people who have been hideous, and done very bad ourselves.

Let me tell you about our "bogey" venue, Sam's Bar in Cardiff.

Last year, we had a bassist from Norway. Oddly it would seem that in Norway a Bb is a B, and a B is, oddly enough, an H.

Anyway, we have a song which is in Bbm, and so when we were working though it, we had some problems. We got it sorted, or so we thought.

Every time we went to a gig, we would get to the middle of the bridge, with a crescendo at F, which was fairly heavily distorted. Every time we played that song there would be a wave of bass feedback(which ain't nice). We got to Sam's, this being about 6-7 months after we got this bassist and me and the bassist were sat in the "green room" working our way through the rider, and I was just strumming through this song on the acoustic. I get to the crescendo, and the bassist says "isn't that an F#?".

Wind on a year. Our bassist has moved back to Norway, and after a couple of intermediaries, and a new drummer, we arrive at a new line up, and do our comeback gig at Sam's. We're set to headline, which automatically set alarm bells ringing, since our lead singer/songwriter decides to do two new songs. Which have had about an hour's work each.

Anyway, soundcheck rolls round, and we get to soundchecking the bass. Nothing. Just a big hum, and a bit of crackle. We bugger about with everything for ages, but to no avail. We leave that and move on to guitars. Lead guitarist/singer/songwriter plugs in his dano U2 slams it onto bridge pickup, sets treble to 10, and drive to similar, and proceeds to check. PA guy says "are you happy with that distortion?" He says yes, and continues. Of course the monitors can't handle that sort of noise at any volume, so the guitar is almost silent in the monitors. Then the pickup in my acoustic cuts out.

Needless to say the gig was awful, and the tone of my lead guitarist was likened to "an angry gnat" by the PA guy. I was glad when it was over.

[IsildursBane]

I almost had a stupid moment last night.

I ordered a new patch bay that came in last night. I'm holding it up by the plastic bag, getting ready to cut the plastic with my razor knife, when I think to myself, "gee, what's gonna happen when I cut this? The patchbay's gonna fall, bounce off my desk, gouge my leg, then land on my foot. Why don't I hold this a different way."

-Dan.

[agt5]

I was zip tying my effects loop and channel switching cables, that run back to my amp from the pedal board. I had 3 cables, about 20ft, with 35 zip ties. I finish up, look down, and there is the 4th cable that I forgot to put in! So I just doubled it up with 70 zip ties. PITA. I hate it when you forget the obvious.

[Six String Stuntman Steve]

In an earlier post I mentioned how I jacked the senior girls supervisor with feedback a day or two before our annual prize day.

This prize day was the first time I refused to handle the sound for the day, so our hero Tommy (refer to earlier posts) was in charge. Towards the beginning of the evening we were to have the U.A.E. national anthem and later on the Indian national anthem.

The MC asked the audience to stand for the UAE national anthem when suddenly the instrumental of the Indian one blasted through the speakers. Turns out that not only did Tommy set those massive buggers at over +4db, he also played the wrong track on the CD with the songs for the evening. There were some very disgruntled important people (along with over 300 parents and over 200 students) present there....I'm talking about a principal, a bunch of supervisors and teachers, a VIP guest and a chairman of a bunch of schools.

The sad thing is, everyone thought I did it because I'm usually the soundman, and there I was, standing innocently enough with my Don Corleone hairstyle for the day, snickerring away with one finger pointing at an oblivious Tommy. He had to abruptly stop the track and play the correct anthem.

-Nigel

[Six String Stuntman Steve]

During end April-beginning June of 2002 our school hosted it's annual musical. This year's choice was the broadway version of "Saturday Night Fever" and guess who got to play the role of John Travolta....yes!! ME!!! There I was complete with the leather jacket and the bell bottoms....hell I got to be a hero for four days....people finally know my name in school....not just "the awkward kiddo that sits in the corner playing his guitar while ashivraj stands on a chair RAMMING out one bass note on an open E string." ()

Not to say that I was really made for the role, hell I only got in because I could sing and act somewhat. It was quite a sight watching Mr. Oliver teach me to get down 'n' dancin'. Tommy wasn't given the director's slot because, hec, he's just too incompetent and lazy. Our old music teacher, who's now a theatrical director in Canada, was invited to come back to direct the show. He's known me for about 8 years now as I sang in a lot of his musicals.

Back to the dancing. Now you understand I'm a guitar player....not a dancer. So while all the other kids were doing cartwheels, I was busy trying to shake of my hunchback and two left feet. And when all the other kids were doing back bends, I was busy trying to bend over to try to touch my knees, forget the floor. Oh yes, it was a STRUGGLE! But I loved it.

That stage was my kingdom. They had a ramp extend out into the audience with the floor removed, coloured lights put in, and glass replacing the floor....for a disco light effect. There was a silver car decorated with tiny mirrors on the side of the girls choir and a Harley on the side of the boys choir. Three massive mirrors along the back wall, huge light bulb panels on either side, loads of coloured lights, a good proffesional lighting system complete with two disco balls....oh it was heaven!

Here are a few funny events that took place during the course of the show and the preceeding preperation:
1. Oliver: "Tommy, you're playing SH*T!!"
2. Feedback provided free of cost
3. Oliver: "Tommy, the school has turned to SH*T since you took over!!"
4. Danny the singer.
5. Swear by your mic!!!
6. Stephanie's dress falls off on stage.
7. Night Fever, Night Fe-BANG!!
8. Our mic-man's bane...the three queens.
9. Showing the audience "the finger".
10. Tommy kills the glorious legacy of SNF

Still nothing in the league of MrKnobs though . When I get the time I'll note these down.

-Nigel

[MrKnobs]

Here is another little story that is short but true. The guys over in Open Jam convinced me to tell it there, so I'm reprinting it here with a few more details:

This happened in the late 80s, when a couple of bandmates and I decided after a gig we would cross over into Mexico and seek some drinking, gambling, and female company.

We ended up thrown in jail in Mexico; the charge was, "being homosexuals," which is a crime in Mexico.

The thing is, we are all straight. We were drunk and having a fun time practicing our Spanish with some fat old whore in Boys Town. We had no intention of employing her services, it's just that none of the younger ladies would waste so much time trying to make a deal with guys who were so obviously disinterested. We were just goofing with her. She, of course, was diligently trying to close a deal that would have included all three of us. She finally made us an offer and said (en Espanol), "If you don't agree you must be queer. I will call the police."

We had a big laugh at that. A few minutes later we were all in a Mexican jail. Dirt floor, filthy conditions, guards with US M-16 automatic rifles. Very scary! I won't try to describe our fellow inmates except to say that there is a wide range to what is considered "human."

We asked one of the guards (who spoke no English) what we had to do to get out. He said the judge would be in sometime later in the week. We asked him if we could just pay the fine to HIM (wink, wink). That got his attention, and we soon arrived at a deal, which wasn't all that expensive. Maybe the whole thing was just a big scam to shake down the tourists, we thought.

As we left, we pointed at the other (armed) guard down the road and asked "What about him?" The guard responded, "That's between you and him." We shuffled quickly through the darkness down the mud road, until we saw a taxi and grabbed it. Five minutes later, several "Policia" cars passed us with their sirens and lights going, scanning the dark alleyways with their spotlights. Maybe the guard signaled a "jailbreak," or maybe they were looking for someone else, no way to know. We were pretty damn scared, though!

We were very glad to get back across the border that night!

Terry D.

$$$TDN$$$

[Nighthawkdude]

So, Terry D, when are we gonna hear the story about the girl and the "train"?

[ashivraj]

Originally posted by Six String Stuntman Steve ... That stage was my kingdom. They had a ramp extend out into the audience with the floor removed, coloured lights put in, and glass replacing the floor....for a disco light effect. There was a silver car decorated with tiny mirrors on the side of the girls choir and a Harley on the side of the boys choir. Three massive mirrors along the back wall, huge light bulb panels on either side, loads of coloured lights, a good proffesional lighting system complete with two disco balls....oh it was heaven! ... 5. Night Fever, Night Fe-BANG!! ... -Nigel

 

 

this was a blast. so you have these "bulb walls", about 250 to a panel, and 4 of these panels. 100W bulbs each. then the ramp lights which were about 40 bulbs of 250W each. (i think im messing up with these numbers here, but you get the idea.)

 

combine that with a 25(?)k PA rig, and 50+ lights cans, plus the usual smoke, disco balls, etc.

 

we're all on one circuit - i.e. one big power distro with separate sockets for sound, dimmer packs (light cans), bulb walls, etc. it isnt quite the fault of the rented sound/lights guys, its just that school provided them with ONE (1) connection.

 

the guy who was controlling the bulb walls + under-floor lights was a student, not too bright. oliver tells him, everytime u hear the chorus - night fever, night fever, etc. - hit all them lights, and kill them after the chorus 'coz u cant have them on for too long.

 

fast forward to showday - night fever night fever - lights are on as per plan. then there's this one bit where the chorus is repeated twice, and dimbulb lights kid had to follow orders so he decided to keep it on. so we're going - night fever night --- BANG - loud pop from somewhere and the hall's power is killed. lights, sound, hall lights, AC, all down.

 

the rented guys running wild to switch off the power amps, oliver running wild screaming his head off, people on stage relatively calm, trying to figure out what happened, and the school electrician afzal (anybody remember him?) - who has the keys to the locked electric room - standing behind me, munching on a sandwich and scratching his head.

 

takes a while for someone to tell him that HE has the keys and HE must unlock the door to the utility room so they can reset the breakers.

 

all in all, a little over 3 minutes of nothingness. surprisingly, the dancers had enough sense to walk off in the dark - it was the end of the song anyway - and the show went on. that show was a horror tho - most of nigel's list is from that one show - including oliver swearing into the piano mic and coming out nice and clear through the monitors. amazing that FOH was muted just then. it's surprising what you can pick up with a SM-57 that isnt angled quite right.

 

AS

[Six String Stuntman Steve]

Originally posted by ashivraj including oliver swearing into the piano mic and coming out nice and clear through the monitors. amazing that FOH was muted just then. it's surprising what you can pick up with a SM-57 that isnt angled quite right.

Refer here for background on this story.

 

Oh yeah I forgot about that one, let me add it to my list.

 

So Kevin J. Oliver was called back to do our show. Now the thing about him is...his temper is something awful. Hec, when he gets angry.....presidents of countries start running for cover!!

 

So you had Oliver on our second show which was for the middle and senior sections of our school, sitting at his piano, when everything that could go wrong....just went so damn wrong!!!

 

At one scene, I was supposed to be helping "Stephanie Mangano" move boxes into her new New York apartment. Big, dirty crates, and I'm supposed to be sweating and dog tired. Due to some communication misunderstanding, I had changed into my disco outfit....a three piece suit!!!!

 

It was at this point apparently that Oliver completely lost it and started shouting his usual "F****CK!!! SH***TTT!!! @@@$$$HOLE!!!" and other colourful lingo.......right into his piano mic!!!

 

I dunno how they covered it up, apparently it came through the band monitors and the nearby boys choir could hear it loud and clear!!!

 

Note...the audience was the middle and senior sections of our school....ages between 9 and 17!!

 

The moment the show ended a bunch of make up assistants quickly hurried me into a room far away from the actual changing room and told me to wait there until they thought it safe!!!

 

-Nigel

[theelmsrock]

As long as it's not too "nasty" or profane, funny is good.


This thread has definantly taken a flavor that wasn't my intention. My intention was focusing on the "technical" side, and I figured I'd get a few little replies. I never dreamed you geniuses would come up with all this. If I could, I'd delete my first post (it's not even funny!) and leave the rest.

Keep 'em coming!

[bassknave]

Hey, nasty and profane are good, too.

Phil

[theelmsrock]

Yeah, for you old guys. Not for the youngsters like me.