His Hands Were Shaky - questions about a 4th verse

[rhino55]

Wrote this one last night. As I was finishing up the demo, I got an idea for a 4th verses. I like the story arc especially adding the CEO because then the chorus kind of applies to him as well, I'd like to get some opinions on a couple things with regards to the 4th verse. Does adding a 4th make it too long? Should it be longer and really get into the CEO perspective as well? Or should it be a bridge instead?

 

http://www.soundclick.com/player/single_player.cfm?songid=12773692&q=hi

 

When he gave her the ring

His hands were shaky

She said yes and he knew they’d make it

Even if it was just barely

There wasn’t a length he wouldn’t go

He’d always find a way

The consummate provider

Living day to day

 

When he held his first born

His hands were shaky

From the first yawn he knew they’d make it

Even if it was just barely

There wasn’t a length he wouldn’t go

He’d always find a way

The consummate provider

Living day to day

 

When he leveled the pistol

His hand were shaky

He didn’t want to hurt the cashier

But he was over just barely

There wasn’t a length he wouldn’t go

He’d always find a way

The consummate provider

Living day to day

 

Reading his former employer profits in his cell

His hands were shaky

As he wished that CEO would go to hell

Maybe just barely

There wasn’t a length he wouldn’t go

He’d always find a way

The consummate provider

Living day to day

[Lee Knight]

Have the guy rob the store because he was fired from XYZ Co for alleged fraud but it was really just to thin out the employees. Then it's the CEO who's reading the paper with shaky hands about the investigation into his company. And he's dirty. He fears getting busted when he realizes he's going to be locked up next to some very upset former employees. Shaky HANDS! One inmate in particular is PISSED. Hence, the CEO's hands were shaky as he read.

[rsadasiv]

The first three verses are strong and focused, if a little cut/dry/pat. The fourth verse adds a lot, it dollies the camera back and gives you a wider perspective. But I don't think you have laid the groundwork for what you are showing in the 4th verse. You can't just introduce the villain in the third act.

 

Without the 4th verse a bridge between the second and third verses might work - something about how he lost his job/got into financial trouble would make the third verse feel like a turn. I do like the idea of the villain and the larger economic context. But there's a lot of narrative and exposition required to make that work - Les Miserables runs over 1000 pages.

 

[Lee Knight]

^^^ yes I like where this is going. All you need to do is introduce the CEO earlier somehow. He could somehow be responsible for our hero having to rob...

[mbfrancis]

I like the concept but struggle with the execution + pacing. 1&2 seem happy with only a hint at trouble in #2 and then suddenly we're at armed robbery - sorry he hasn't earned my sympathy yet. I would make this more of a ballad (if it drags, double-time the rhythm). I think CEO is distraction, requires way too much set up and explanation. Keep it a simple tragedy.

 

Shaky hands because:

 

1) Proposing (promise)

2) Holding baby (hope + foreshadowing)

3) Holding pink slip (the fall)

4) Gun walking into at convenience store (desperation)

5) Dropped gun at store after accidental murder (the crime)

6) Lethal injection (the denouement)

 

Call it "The Ballad of the Shaky Hands."

[Oswlek]

I like the concept but struggle with the execution + pacing. 1&2 seem happy with only a hint at trouble in #2 and then suddenly we're at armed robbery - sorry he hasn't earned my sympathy yet. I would make this more of a ballad (if it drags, double-time the rhythm). I think CEO is distraction, requires way too much set up and explanation. Keep it a simple tragedy.

 

Shaky hands because:

 

1) Proposing (promise)

2) Holding baby (hope + foreshadowing)

3) Holding pink slip (the fall)

4) Gun walking into at convenience store (desperation)

5) Dropped gun at store after accidental murder (the crime)

6) Lethal injection (the denouement)

 

Call it "The Ballad of the Shaky Hands."

 

I had much the same response. I never felt invested in the story and the music didn't support the lyric for me. I also really wanted a musical change after the second verse, the song lost a lot of steam when you just went back into the same guitar action. I love Martin's suggested story line, my only worry would be length.

[Foose31]

 

Shaky hands because:

 

1) Proposing (promise)

2) Holding baby (hope + foreshadowing)

3) Holding pink slip (the fall)

4) Gun walking into at convenience store (desperation)

5) Dropped gun at store after accidental murder (the crime)

6) Lethal injection (the denouement)

 

"

 

Wow...too dark end dreary at the end....

 

Like what you have mb..how about change the beginning and end for a more happier shakey hand tune ( which I love the idea rhino and welcome back to this area of the site!!)

 

 

1) Holding grandpa's shaky hand while carrying fishing poles

2) getting a set of car keys from parents after graduation

3) Proposing

4) Holding baby

5) giving daughter away at her wedding

6) holding wife's shaky hand with his shaky hand while they walk down the hall of the nursing home they are both in (after a full happy life ..evolution of this guys life)

 

 

[Oswlek]

That's a cool one, too, Foose. To be fair to Martin, he was just taking the lead from Ryan's already pessimistic slant.

[mbfrancis]

 

Wow...too dark end dreary at the end....

 

Like what you have mb..how about change the beginning and end for a more happier shakey hand tune ( which I love the idea rhino and welcome back to this area of the site!!)

 

1) Holding grandpa's shaky hand while carrying fishing poles

2) getting a set of car keys from parents after graduation

3) Proposing

4) Holding baby

5) giving daughter away at her wedding

6) holding wife's shaky hand with his shaky hand while they walk down the hall of the nursing home they are both in (after a full happy life ..evolution of this guys life)

 

 

Well, he's the one who brought up armed robbery, I was taking it to it's logical conclusion.

 

If it *must* be happy (yawn), then I would not make it so expansive, don't try to solve world peace. Maybe do a Butterfly Kisses type of thing and focus on the daughter. So:

 

1) Holding new baby daughter

2) Giving keys at 16

3) Giving away at wedding

4) Holding baby granddaughter

 

(See how it comes full circle?) This wouldn't be a folk ballad anymore, though, more of a straight pop ballad. Swing for the fences, shoot for making it a father/daughter wedding dance classic.

 

 

[rhino55]

Lots of good stuff here. Certainly alot to chew on. The happy ending stuff probably makes the most sense, but this one is going dark. I really like the symmetry of the chorus applying to the CEO at the end. I think I'm going to try adding a bridge that gives a little more story. I'm not sure if I'm going to do it after the 2nd or 3rd verse. It would make the most sense to put it after the 2nd but I kind of like the surprise pistol in the 3rd.

 

What I came up with for v4 last night

 

Plenty of time to think alone in his cell

His hands are shaky

He'd like to downsize that CEO straight to hell

maybe just barely

There wasn't a length he wouldn't go

He always found a way

Constantly entitled

Living day to day

[mbfrancis]

Most people don't think CEOs are inherently evil, so your last verse revenge plot will require a little set up in each verse. You have to make us really hate him in a credible way. And that's hard to do, even without having your "Shaky Hands" concept and locked back half of the verse hold throughout. Are you going to describe the leverage buyout, outsourcing jobs to China, what? Good luck.