Taking a dump at work

[us2bslim]

Originally posted by jcn37203 Hmmm, back in college I had a "Safe Haven" in the bottom floor of the library, in the back, where they kept the periodicals. {censored}ing sweet. The only down side was the creative writing on the walls was sometimes disturbing.

I think this is the third of or forth time I've heard you wax nearly orgasmic about this particular bathroom.

I may occassionally stink the crapper up, but I don't have an "unnatural" attraction to particular toilets.

[jcn37203]

Originally posted by us2bslim I think this is the third of or forth time I've heard you wax nearly orgasmic about this particular bathroom. I may occassionally stink the crapper up, but I don't have an "unnatural" attraction to particular toilets.

You've never seen this bathroom.

It had a zen garden, complete with monks.

And an aviary.

And oompa loompas.

The real oompa loompas, orange ones, none of that new {censored}.

[us2bslim]

Originally posted by jcn37203 You've never seen this bathroom. It had a zen garden, complete with monks. And an aviary. And oompa loompas. The real oompa loompas, orange ones, none of that new {censored}.

LOL!

all kidding aside....you're a freak.

[PB Wilson]

I've got a bathroom in my classroom.

This can be a godsend when you ate too many hot wings and downed many pitchers of beer the night before.

The flipside is that 24 eight and nine year olds can destroy a bathroom by lunchtime. I think it's all those pre-packaged lunchables meals and tons of garbage that constitutes a child's diet these days. The boys have no aim when they piss and make the seat a wreck for the girls. The worst is when a young kid takes a dump, forgets to flush and walks right back to his or her seat without washing those disgusting hands!

I'm usually very patient and tolerant with the kids as they grow up, but if you're gonna walk around the room for the rest of the day with crap under your fingernails, I damn well will embarass you in front of the entire class! A little social pressure can work wonders.

[ned911]

What gets me is when there are 3-4 stalls all empty, you take one against the wall and some idiot comes in and sits right next to you. Just for that I refuse to courtesy flush.

Here's some more potty humor

[Derwood]

Bump

[CustomGR]

Originally posted by jeverist Yes, its a cut and paste job, sue me. The Guide to Taking a Dump at Work Escapee -- A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing a police car while speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. Jailbreak (Used in conjunction with escapee) -- When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun's pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred. Courtesy Flush -- The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME. Walk of Shame -- Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Out of the Closet Pooper -- A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet pooper before entering the bathroom. Pooping Friends Network -- A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS. Safe Haven -- A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom. Turd Burgler -- A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when work taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way, you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. Camo-cough -- A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE. Astaire -- A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace. Watermelon -- A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH. Havana Omelette -- A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE. Uncle Ted -- A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees. Fly-by -- The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave, and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom. Crack Whore -- A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. Tell- tale signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubes, piss stains and {censored} streaks. Avoid CRACK WHORES at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget, a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE HAVEN.

I can't remember the last time I haved laughed that hard.. !!
That is gold

[RamaLama Fafafa]

Originally posted by jcn37203 Hmmm, back in college I had a "Safe Haven" in the bottom floor of the library, in the back, where they kept the periodicals. {censored}ing sweet. The only down side was the creative writing on the walls was sometimes disturbing.

 

My college safe haven was the basement of the anthropology building. I think I was only male taking any anthropology classes. All the teachers were women too. I think I was the only person that went in there.

[BillyK]

God damnit jeverist, that was a killer.
My entire gut hurts from laughing so hard.

[Kestral]

The warehouse at work has an individual bathroom (as opposed to the standard stalls).

Also, only the factory staff are there and I'm mgt so I don't care what they think

[Nicoli Zsor]

You guys have got it made.I work construction and you know what that means.Yeah, the dreaded Porta Potty.You've all seen 'em,but how many have had to use them on a daily basis?20 guys to 1 porta {censored}ter = the most stankin' confined space imaginable.
I'd rather {censored} my pants.

[wacopacco]

Originally posted by us2bslim I don't get it. Seriously, they call it the crapper for a reason. Get in there and cut loose. Its none of anybody's business if you're havin' a noisy gusher and tearin, the enamel of that bowl. You gotta go, you gotta go. Only girls worry about whether their poo is icky. I KNOW my stuff stinks, and...on occassion....is raucously loud. DEAL.

info material

[DRPool]

Originally posted by lou_weed {censored}ting on the clock rules.

 

 

+1 on that. Only thing better is punching out a game on the Blackberry while 'resting'.

 

I usually try to courtesy flush while in the office can as well. Don't want to earn a rep or anything.

[ThunderTomate]

"mid-day dumpola"

I like this forum better because I learn new words everyday.

[TeamoDave]

Like someone posted earlier, getting paid to crap is the way to go. Grab the sports page and have at it. Plus, the {censored}ter is right next to my bosses office so if I get a good hang time, he will get a good whiff sooner or later.

[Erocku]

OK, follow up question. I have a friend who takes a crap like once every 2-3 days or so, I maybe take a crap about once every week-week-and-a-half. He takes what I call a "power dump", you just let the main load drop and wipeup and leave... he stays on the {censored}ter for about 2-3 minutes. When I take a crap, I take 20 minutes or so and clear it all out. So, what does the majority of you do?

[sdre]

i love reading the papers or listening to post rock as i take a {censored}.

therapy.

[Pwn3d]

Originally posted by Erocku OK, follow up question. I have a friend who takes a crap like once every 2-3 days or so, I maybe take a crap about once every week-week-and-a-half. He takes what I call a "power dump", you just let the main load drop and wipeup and leave... he stays on the {censored}ter for about 2-3 minutes. When I take a crap, I take 20 minutes or so and clear it all out. So, what does the majority of you do?

 

 

i want to hear an answer to this

[sdre]

i do it almost everyday, and its at least a medium hot dog.

i don't like to power jam it in. maybe your friend doesn't drink enough water.

[fractal]

Originally posted by CustomGR I can't remember the last time I haved laughed that hard.. !! That is gold

+1

I can't believe that I'm responding to this thread.

[Roy Brooks]

I work from home. So yes and yes. I also enjoy the occasional motel or rental cottage toilet.

[sstim8or]

Originally posted by Erocku OK, follow up question. I have a friend who takes a crap like once every 2-3 days or so, I maybe take a crap about once every week-week-and-a-half. He takes what I call a "power dump", you just let the main load drop and wipeup and leave... he stays on the {censored}ter for about 2-3 minutes. When I take a crap, I take 20 minutes or so and clear it all out. So, what does the majority of you do?

 

 

I'm on the can every day, usually around the same time. It wrecks my day if I don't follow the routine.

[Dave Fox]

Originally posted by Roy Brooks I work from home. So yes and yes. I also enjoy the occasional motel or rental cottage toilet.

 

 

I was about to say the same thing! All of my dumps take place at work. One thing I love about working from home is that I can {censored} all morning. When I'm eating a lot I can drop like 3 or 4 {censored}s by lunch time. Sometimes I don't bother flushing just to save water, because I'm pissing all the time too. My wife's really happy about that.. I'm a slob, what can I say.

[Mesabooger]

You know this is a true a story and I really should not be telling it, nut...

I am a boss in a small office about ten, one of my guys has bathroom problems and retreats to other floors to be alone. Well, he had beeen frequenting I guess another floor where there is yoga class and a firm with a whole bunch of women. The women started complaining to security because 1, he's kinda weird creepy looking, and 2, they had no idea who it was, who went up there everyday to use the restroom during a yoga class.

I talked to him and he says he was only using the restroom and that's it. While I have to believe him because nothing specifically has been said that he has done wrong, other than suspicious activity, I can't stop and think that he must have done something to get those ladies freaked. He's a very direct guy and has a horrible approach with women, no tact and a bad conversationalist. The type of guy who would walk into the yoga class and compliment everyone on their floor mats. I believe he did not mean any harm, but you never really know someone.

Anyway, I have since restricted him from going to the bathroom on any other part of the building other than our floor and the building lobby.

[VoodooChild24]

Originally posted by gethsemane the problem with taking a dump at work is that no one will unleash the beast until the bathroom is clear. i had to take a dump real bad at work one day, and much to my chagrin, two guys were having a mexican standoff. each were in their respective stalls and hadn't budged 20 minutes after my first visit to the john. i ended up infiltrating another floor and punishing their porcelain instead.

 

 

This one's a classic right here!! This is exactly how i feel most of the time.