Members Poor Yorick Posted August 20, 2008 Members Share Posted August 20, 2008 Listening + Praises/Concerns are quite appreciated. http://www.thirteenbirds.com/mp3/pestfeverblues.mp3 The Sexton and the Abbot On the blackbird side of townWasting their dirty livesCollecting pennies for the crownBoth drunk on apple brandyBoth tired of bleachboned toil The whole town's caught the pestSkin turned dexedrine greenPaint crosses on the front doors Sick smiles like plaster queensAll stacked outside the horseyardAll remanded to the court A pox on the storefrontsA pox on the paper menWe'll see what yer all made ofWhen we carve you up, my friends The grey ressurection manWith his leather and his crepeIs tallying his ledgerHe's sharpening his japeToday just second rate freshToday just second rate fresh A pox on the storefrontsA pox on the paper menWe'll see what yer all made ofWhen we carve you up, my friends Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Poor Yorick Posted August 22, 2008 Author Members Share Posted August 22, 2008 One sad little bump. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted August 22, 2008 Moderators Share Posted August 22, 2008 Very clever lyrics but I think you need to put more thought into your melody and make sure some of the words, though well put together, don't force you into an awkward rhythm for the line. The Sexton and the AbbotOn the blackbird side of townWasting their dirty lives "Dirty" puts stress on the weak vowelCollecting pennies for the crown "Collecting" rhythm is awkward. Shorter word?Or just drop the word?Both drunk on apple brandyBoth tired of bleachboned toil Don't let the melody just follow the chords here, move in a different direction or pattern melodically. The whole town's caught the pestSkin turned dexedrine green Dexedrine's a great word but the rhythm's clunky. Actually the lines great but don't let it force a weak rhythm. Paint crosses on the front doorsSick smiles like plaster queensAll stacked outside the horseyardAll remanded to the court A pox on the storefrontsA pox on the paper menWe'll see what yer all made ofWhen we carve you up, my friends Following the chords for melody again. You need a proper melody here I think. This section is great lyrically and deserves a solid and inventive melody as well. Great stuff. But delivery always takes precedence over lyric finesse. Put some work into making the melody line snap a bit and have melodic interest and you've really got something. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Poor Yorick Posted August 22, 2008 Author Members Share Posted August 22, 2008 Thanks for the feedback. You're right, I could stand to polish the phrasing a bit and fiddle with the melody. I'm kind of a Nirvana-flavored-dumbass when it comes to vocal melody. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted August 22, 2008 Moderators Share Posted August 22, 2008 If you dig Cobain, then start there. He was a great melody writer. Take note of how his melodies never just follow the movement of his chord pattern. Don't let the fact that you have chords under your melody confuse you into to thinking you can't improve it. Focus just on the melody for a while. It's a separate component. Cobain was a master of this. Just think of the melody of one of his songs. Nothing else, not the riff, not the delivery or the lyrics... Picture that melody played single note on the piano. Not bad. Go there... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted August 23, 2008 Members Share Posted August 23, 2008 Like the song, see the Cobain, agree with Lee. On the page the lyrics were a little remote, but they work for the song. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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