untitled lyric

[myredshoes]

it's not an angel

not a demon

just a heart with wings

doesn't think about it all

or understand a thing

 

it doesn't cry

it doesn't care

doesn't hope for more

just a sigh within your dream

a brush against your door

 

it isn't magic

isn't holy

only does one thing

knows the beat and holds it still

beneath the words you sing

[MDR]

On first reading, verses 1 & 2 are somewhat abstract. Leaving it to the reader to interpret lyrics is a widely used technique; however I find these two verses difficult to interpret. Perhaps if they were somewhat more focussed, while maintaining some ambiguity and abstractness.

 

The third verse is by far the best. An important story could be built on this.

 

Please follow through on these lyrics; add more verses, building on #3.

 

cheers

R

[MisfitKay138]

is this what ya were spilling coffee on this morning?

[rsadasiv]

And so I stand

With bated breath

Just outside your door

My beating heart, yours to have

m'esposa, mi amor.

[Sentry68]

It's basically the form of a limerick or riddle, both of which commonly personify the subject from a first-person point of view. Here you speak from the third person, and largely describe it inanimately, only to loosely personify it in a couple places. It's a dichotomy that both dispels the magic and suggests it at the same time- like saying there's no Santa while giving out presents.

 

I think I've severely over-thought it at this point, and I can't decide what I think of it....

[LeonardScaper]

 

And so I stand With bated breath Just outside your door My beating heart, yours to have m'esposa, mi amor.

 

 

This I like.

[blue2blue]

Very interesting... it certainly conveys something subtle and kind of complex in a deceptively simple fashion. I'm not entirely sure it altogether works for me -- but at the same time it seems all of a piece and I don't know what, if anything, I would change.

 

Your lyrics are some of the more challenging works we see here, I think, in some fairly subtle ways. I'm never exactly sure how they would come off as songs and sometime, one of these days, I hope we can trick you into posting a recording of some of them.

 

[myredshoes]

And so I stand With bated breath Just outside your door My beating heart, yours to have m'esposa, mi amor.

 

I can do a lot of stuff but I don't think I can do "bated breath" with a straight face.

[blue2blue]

I can do baited breath... although chewing a minnow is not a pleasant experience.

 

[myredshoes]

Very interesting... it certainly conveys something subtle and kind of complex in a deceptively simple fashion. I'm not entirely sure it altogether works for me -- but at the same time it seems all of a piece and I don't know what, if anything, I would change.

 

Very interesting; I'm not completely certain you didn't just say I didn't convey anything...

Your lyrics are some of the more challenging works we see here, I think, in some fairly subtle ways. I'm never exactly sure how they would come off as songs and sometime, one of these days, I hope we can trick you into posting a recording of some of them.

 

Not a matter of tricking me into it. I am just very bad at technology. I don't know what digital gear to use and everything I've tried I hated. I was looking at Z2's and Z4's yesterday; I thought even if I could understand the directions I'd never be able to read the tiny screen...

[rsadasiv]

I can do a lot of stuff but I don't think I can do "bated breath" with a straight face.

 

I'm not seriously trying to contribute . It's just a way of saying "I get what you are doing and I dig what you are doing".

[myredshoes]

I'm not seriously trying to contribute . It's just a way of saying "I get what you are doing and I dig what you are doing".

 

(...crosses stuff out...)

 

 

 

 

[MisfitKay138]

plagerizer!!! (no, i didnt win the spelling bee )

[myredshoes]

(...coughs & spreads plaguer germses...)

[tbry]

I like this...this one works for me...it has "heart"...and some wings;)

 

it's just a sigh within your dream

a brush against your door

 

Very nice:)

[myredshoes]

 

And so I stand With bated breath Just outside your door My beating heart, yours to have m'esposa, mi amor.

 

 

I like this very much also. This verse is engaged. To me it is very different from the three verses I wrote, which were about detachment. I was thinking of a heart severed from mind and body, just sort of pointlessly beating on. Useful as a metronome. Wings fluttering against the door like a bat trapped in the house.

[myredshoes]

It's basically the form of a limerick or riddle, both of which commonly personify the subject from a first-person point of view. Here you speak from the third person, and largely describe it inanimately, only to loosely personify it in a couple places. It's a dichotomy that both dispels the magic and suggests it at the same time- like saying there's no Santa while giving out presents. I think I've severely over-thought it at this point, and I can't decide what I think of it....

 

I appreciate your time and your comments and I hope I don't ever waste them.

 

Animate without spirit. Life without intent. Your "presents without Santa" is cool too. Maybe like a wind-up toy turned loose and forgotten. Depends on how far I want to go with it I guess. The wind-up toy is a stretch for this piece, you know? It's a suit that fits well but still doesn't feel right. Thanks.

[cSandra]

Nice one. I also like the third verse among the three.

 

This one's also interesting.

And so I stand With bated breath Just outside your door My beating heart, yours to have m'esposa, mi amor.

[myredshoes]

The third verse breaks, begins to re-engage by acknowledging the "you". I don't think the piece could stand with three verses like that.

[Sentry68]

 

Maybe like a wind-up toy turned loose and forgotten.

 

 

Oh this I like a lot. Agreed that it might not work here, but the metaphor is stark and multi-layered. It does work well with the Animate without spirit, Life without intent concept. Sounds like a song in itself...