Members tbry Posted November 8, 2008 Members Share Posted November 8, 2008 I put up lyrics for this a few weeks back and recorded this 3 days ago...I got the idea for this from an article on the internet about a guy that couldn't afford the high prices for gas to get to his gigs ...he was playing up and down the Erie Canal and started kyaking to his gigs, so I turned it into this... You can offer crits on any or all parts of this...production,lyrics,style or lack of it or anything you wish to offer...if I have the ability to change it with your suggs I will...thanks in advance... http://soundclick.com/share?songid=7038255 play hi fi The Long Island Sound On a rain soaked evening A small group in town Dodges drops through the streets Of the Long Island sound To a book store on Main St Where the coffee is strong To hear the poet singer Singing some of his lonely songs (ch) Along the shores of the Long Island sound A singing and playing merry go round Inside the people swaying Music softly playing Along the shores to the Long Island sound He thought about biking But he paddles every day A wet and wild adventure On the water of the L.I. bay Brings his boat to shore Chains it like a bike Camps out on the banks Guitar tuned for another night Repeat (ch) He loves the boss a nova Driving his Chevy Nova But it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members blue2blue Posted November 8, 2008 Members Share Posted November 8, 2008 I remember reading in the 60s that Bob Dylan would sit down every day with the newspaper and write at least one song based on a story he had read that day -- and it always seemed like a great way to keep things flowing. At least if you can get them flowing in the first place. Me, I've tried it a few times but I'm afraid that, so far, I'm not a sit down and write a song kind of guy, by and large. (Once I'm 'inspired,' things can flow: I've written topical stuff on weighty topics like Jamie Lynn Spears' "Lyin' Cheatin' Baby Daddy Dog Little Boy" father-of-her-child, and the like. But, anyhow.) One suggestion: you go to a minor chord at the ends of the verses, which does give it a traditional folk feel but it really kind of darkens things where there's nothing in the lyrics to suggest that that's where the music should go. (OK... there is a sort of "lonely peddler selling his wares on the back highways" kind of thing going on, here, and maybe that's what you're trying to bring out. So take this with a grain o' salt.) You know, this story is so exotic -- and as familiar as this Law & Order fan is with Manhattan, the whole Long Island thing, to me (and probably plenty of other middle Americans) is a little hazy... I'd love to get more of the feel of this guy kayaking along to the gigs or even more on the camping out thing. Mind you, I don't think the length of the song should be extended too much, but I'd love to hear about how he feels the music of the Sound (no pun intended, I swear!), the birds, perhaps, the chug of boats or perhaps navigation/fog horns, even the ripple of the water... I want to feel the connection between his music and the ambience of the LI Sound. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members palimino Posted November 8, 2008 Members Share Posted November 8, 2008 T-bry, Darnit, I should ALWAYS copy before hitting "submit." 16 minute critique vanished. Synopsis: I like the lyric, though the bossanova/ Chevy nova lines are a little contrived. I think the chorus tune is solid. The tune for the verses doesn't fit as well. Perhaps if it were slowed down a notch. pal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tbry Posted November 8, 2008 Author Members Share Posted November 8, 2008 One suggestion: you go to a minor chord at the ends of the verses, which does give it a traditional folk feel but it really kind of darkens things where there's nothing in the lyrics to suggest that that's where the music should go. (OK... there is a sort of "lonely peddler selling his wares on the back highways" kind of thing going on, here, and maybe that's what you're trying to bring out. So take this with a grain o' salt.) Hi Blue...you know I use that sometimes cause I can't find a chord that sets me up to turn around...it is easy to hit but it does darken it or any song but it sounds nice to me...if you have a sugg that would set up a turn around and sounds pleasing and is more on the upbeat feel side I will try it... I'd love to get more of the feel of this guy kayaking along to the gigs or even more on the camping out thing. Mind you, I don't think the length of the song should be extended too much, but I'd love to hear about how he feels the music of the Sound (no pun intended, I swear!) I could add some verse after the bridge and bring more details in or do you think it is better to just make the original verses longer?...I have been learning structure and I have been staying kind of close to the examples I have studied and this is how this song is structured...I guess there is no absolute rules but since I haven't done that many I wanted to stay a little safer...Any ideas on that?...Also if you noticed I hi lited to in the last line of the chorus for a double entendre kind of thing but it proably gets lost in the melody...oops...I just noticed I didn't hilite that...!...Thanks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tbry Posted November 8, 2008 Author Members Share Posted November 8, 2008 T-bry, Darnit, I should ALWAYS copy before hitting "submit." 16 minute critique vanished. Synopsis: I like the lyric, though the bossanova/ Chevy nova lines are a little contrived. I think the chorus tune is solid. The tune for the verses doesn't fit as well. Perhaps if it were slowed down a notch. pal Would have loved to read your thoughts...I have gone back and forth with the Bossa Nova rhyme and someone else said they didn't like it either...I thought it was at least a little clever but, when a few people start saying the same thing... It seems that the verse stuff is a little harder for me to do...I want a diff verse sound than a chorus sound so what I have come to start doing is playing minor and a little more non traditional chord choices for the verses then in the chorus play major chords that are easy for the listener to enjoy and sing with if they wanted....anyway that is my current philosophy in writing... Both you or Blue did not mention style or production...after listening to this for a while it sounds a little to sweet sounding...not very edgy or avant gard...hope it isn't to smarmy Thanks for your thoughts and taking the time to offer help Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members palimino Posted November 8, 2008 Members Share Posted November 8, 2008 Well, they don't really even rhyme. I got one! He loves the bossanova And drives an old DeSoto Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members blue2blue Posted November 8, 2008 Members Share Posted November 8, 2008 I like the folk feel. (Of course, I'm an old folkie, deep down. Though I didn't learn to play until the very end of the acid rock/psychedelic era.) It makes me think of Gordon Lightfoot. (I'll admit that poor GF was so overexposed in the 70s that it was decades before I could stand to hear his stuff again but he really did some great stuff.) And it ties in with the subject of your song. No, the folkie thing is good. With regard to specific suggestions (as in the minor chord thingie)... I'm not usually one much for making specific suggestions. For one thing, whenever someone makes one to me, I'm ambivalent. If it's simply off base/not what you wanted to say, you either have to explain that or say thanks and ignore it; but if their suggestion actually is something that fits perfectly, it always feels really problematic to me, since, on some level, it's really someone else's work/expression and poses the dilemna of accepting it into one's own song or trying to find some other way of saying a given thing, that might not be as spot-on, but at least is still an expression of the songwriter. Maybe I'm a tad obsessive. (Well, certainly, I'm more than a tad obsessive. But I mean on this issue.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tbry Posted November 8, 2008 Author Members Share Posted November 8, 2008 It makes me think of Gordon Lightfoot. (I'll admit that poor GF was so overexposed in the 70s that it was decades before I could stand to hear his stuff again but he really did some great stuff.) It's funny you say that because I too feel that way ...loved his stuff at the time so much that I just got saturated to the point I didn't want to listen anymore...same way for me with Elton John...I played it so much that now only a few songs feel good to hear these days... I'm not usually one much for making specific suggestions. For one thing, whenever someone makes one to me, I'm ambivalent. If it's simply off base/not what you wanted to say, you either have to explain that or say thanks and ignore it; but if their suggestion actually is something that fits perfectly, it always feels really problematic to me I appreciate your feeling of staying at an arms length with suggs...it is a critique forum though and ideas of a specific nature can help...of course any dialog you share is appreciated...I see your point from receiving ideas that really aren't what you the writer wanted to say...I may be a little more open to using a sugg cause in the end years from now who the heck cares... I think what I was looking for in terms of chord choices was more on a general basis...but your right as to the point it changes it from that writers expression...but as in class when the instructor offers a style, technique, or another way to skin a cat I the student should at least know about it..(not that your an instructor)... Your alright mate and I appreciate your headiness (Showing intelligence and good judgment)...you got class:) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted November 8, 2008 Members Share Posted November 8, 2008 I was thinking Gordon Lightfoot also. I like the style for a tune like this....simple and unpretentious. I happen to like the bossanova/nova thing, but then I am a sucker for a lyric that sticks. The minor chord works for me.....gets me out on the water and away from land a little. Got some nasty distortion at around :40, but that is a different discussion. Edit: Just finished listening to a bunch of 'Home Grown' tunes. Went upstairs to make a drink and this is the tune that stuck with me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ido1957 Posted November 8, 2008 Members Share Posted November 8, 2008 Good song. I especially like your chord changes to the chorus. It's has real good feel/lift to it.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tbry Posted November 8, 2008 Author Members Share Posted November 8, 2008 Edit: Just finished listening to a bunch of 'Home Grown' tunes. Went upstairs to make a drink and this is the tune that stuck with me. That is the best comment I have ever had to something I made...the tune that stuck with me Thanks!! My edit:...Got some nasty distortion at around :40, but that is a different discussion. Maybe try hi-fi...I listened to both low and hi but did not hear it...seems hi-fi sounds best...although I do have a High Frequency hearing loss...could be I can't hear it...is it in the real high range? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted November 9, 2008 Members Share Posted November 9, 2008 Check at :38. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members blue2blue Posted November 9, 2008 Members Share Posted November 9, 2008 I'm not usually one much for making specific suggestions. For one thing, whenever someone makes one to me, I'm ambivalent. If it's simply off base/not what you wanted to say, you either have to explain that or say thanks and ignore it; but if their suggestion actually is something that fits perfectly, it always feels really problematic to me I appreciate your feeling of staying at an arms length with suggs...it is a critique forum though and ideas of a specific nature can help...of course any dialog you share is appreciated...I see your point from receiving ideas that really aren't what you the writer wanted to say...I may be a little more open to using a sugg cause in the end years from now who the heck cares... I think what I was looking for in terms of chord choices was more on a general basis...but your right as to the point it changes it from that writers expression...but as in class when the instructor offers a style, technique, or another way to skin a cat I the student should at least know about it..(not that your an instructor)... Your alright mate and I appreciate your headiness (Showing intelligence and good judgment)... you got class:) Also... I'm lazy. Here's how I'd proceed, though: I'd figure out what the chords you already have are (you're ahead of the game there) and then for that minor (I'm guessing from my now many hour old memory that it was a G/Em kind of thing) I would simply play all the possible chords, including onces that require a modal or key shift (you know, dominant or minor instead of major, etc) but I would pay special attention to the I, IV, and V. Say you were on the I and had shifted to the vi minor for the minor chord change in question... you could stay on the I, you could go up to the V, hell, the IV might even work. Anyhow... you get the drift. That's all I'd do... if I wasn't so damn lazy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tbry Posted November 9, 2008 Author Members Share Posted November 9, 2008 Check at :38 Sorry..it must be my hearing...I just don't hear anything...I have tried with headphones on and through speakers...I'm sure its there because it does spike but the audio I'm playing I just can't hear anything...has anyone else heard this? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members blue2blue Posted November 9, 2008 Members Share Posted November 9, 2008 Check at :38 Sorry..it must be my hearing...I just don't hear anything...I have tried with headphones on and through speakers...I'm sure its there because it does spike but the audio I'm playing I just can't hear anything... has anyone else heard this? Yes, for sure. It's a brief, staticky glitch, mostly high frequency. Not super loud to these old ears but if it's got a huge spike up at 18K, I ain't going to be hearing it, necessarily. I didn't drop it into an audio editor (see lazy, above ) but there's definitely some sort of problem at 00:38 as it plays for me in the SC player. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members eeglug Posted November 9, 2008 Members Share Posted November 9, 2008 I think the song is good. There are problems rhythmically mostly at the beginning where it almost unravels. You get better as the song progresses although there are moments that can be tightened up. I also hear the clipping mentioned and I think I hear it in a couple of other spots as well. Other than these things, I think it's a very successful piece you've got. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tbry Posted November 9, 2008 Author Members Share Posted November 9, 2008 Yes, for sure. It's a brief, staticky glitch, mostly high frequency. Not super loud to these old ears but if it's got a huge spike up at 18K, I ain't going to be hearing it, necessarily. I didn't drop it into an audio editor (see lazy, above ) but there's definitely some sort of problem at 00:38 as it plays for me in the SC player. Blue, you use Sonar...is there anything that can be done after I have recorded something...I would assume it is my vocal you guys hear...I just can't hear it at all...is there a way to take care of problems like that or do I just have to rerecord it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tbry Posted November 9, 2008 Author Members Share Posted November 9, 2008 I think the song is good. There are problems rhythmically mostly at the beginning where it almost unravels. You get better as the song progresses although there are moments that can be tightened up. I also hear the clipping mentioned and I think I hear it in a couple of other spots as well.Other than these things, I think it's a very successful piece you've got. Thanks eeglug...wish I could hear what you guys hear:facepalm: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mandy_tRoses Posted November 9, 2008 Members Share Posted November 9, 2008 very cool Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tbry Posted November 9, 2008 Author Members Share Posted November 9, 2008 very cool Thanks Mandy!!...I have at least one female fan!!!...atta pepper... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted November 9, 2008 Members Share Posted November 9, 2008 Check at :38Sorry..it must be my hearing...I just don't hear anything...I have tried with headphones on and through speakers...I'm sure its there because it does spike but the audio I'm playing I just can't hear anything...has anyone else heard this? It's there, and that is not the only instance. You're clipping something. Agree about a few rhythmic issues, especially at the beginning. Other than that, good light folk song. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Nick* Posted November 13, 2008 Members Share Posted November 13, 2008 Wow...just heard one song about New York and now one about Long Island. I like this song a lot....nice, light, soft sound. I live on Long Island and it wasn't very hard to paint a picture with these lyrics. Something about this song that I really really like. Lyrics are really good. Good job Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tbry Posted November 17, 2008 Author Members Share Posted November 17, 2008 Thought I would share this with you guys...as you may know this story and my song was inspired by a muscian that traveled to his gigs by canoe...anyway I found him on the internet and sent the link to the song for him to listen to it...he replied below... Hey Ted,I apologize for not getting back sooner. its been one of those weekends of running around. I'm touched and I wouldnt ask you to change a thing, it is your song. I like it. Chris That was kind of a cool thing to happen...I don't know him at all and it could be any one of you guys as well... This was a fun little get together on the internet... Funny how this internet thing connects so many people... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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