New Town

[ALyricman]

Today is the first day of my life in a new town on the stony ground

Where are many unknown faces and some sing a new sound

And I can't sing it loud because I must keep my pride

Like bird without wings I can't live without strings, and sings, and springs

And all the beautiful things that I forgot to bring

 

I swear that lights are everywhere

all The night lights makes me blind

But I can't turn off it because I am a new kind

Therefore I can't make new step to go out on the street

 

(Chorus)

In a new town I haven't found that

Why I'm coming here down

I can't forget my old sound

In this new place I haven't found grace

There's no space where I can build a new base

Where I will hide my old graces

 

Night is falling from a height while I don't dare to go out in the first night

In my first letter all is black and white but I send it to the trash can

And write another where all is alright because I am self-satisfied man

Like a tiger I am running through minds, ideas and imagines

But all is different in this new world reality

 

I can't cope with this abnormality

I can't bring out my old quality

And my heart beating too hard and harder now

I don't know how to slow my heart down

I don't know how to walk it out

 

(Chorus)

In a new town where all is left and down

I haven't found a way to sing loud

I don't know who can show me rights

Which I must respect

In this town where all is perfect

But I can't find friend who will show me what to detect

I must protect my pride if I want to sing aloud

 

I must believe in myself

If I want to clear all the shelves

And my heart beating too hard and harder now

I don't know how to slow my heart down

I don't know how to walk it out

 

(Chorus)

In a new town where lights is everywhere

I must walk out into the street and square

And catch all what I wish

And what I don't need

[blue2blue]

Well, that's certainly an ambitious song. Obviously sound and rhyme are a big part of how you've conceived it. Reading it from the page, I'm not sure precisely how you've conceived all of the rhythmic flow, I could imagine some tinkering might be required to get it to sing right.

 

Clearly, it takes some ambition to write songs in a language not your own. And there are a few rough spots -- but they might end up not being a problem depending on the singing and delivery (with maybe a little of the tinkering I mentioned above).

 

Your work continues to grow and, while there are some awkward elements, you're definitely moving toward greater facility with your songwriting in English.

 

Keep up the good work, you're getting there!

 

[rsadasiv]

Pretty good. One thing to watch for is rhyme placement. The placement of rhymes provides a strong rhythmic impetus (everyone is familiar with poems that have the same number of syllables per line and where each line ends in a rhyme - it's like a cymbal crash going into the chorus - a very regular pattern that you could use to set the second hand on your watch). You have a lot of rhymes in this piece, which is cool and powerful, but the patterns of the internal rhymes aren't quite tight enough. Listen to some rap - they use a lot of internal rhyme but the placement is very rhythmic.

 

But again, I like the theme, the structure is well executed and the lines are well written. Good job.

[ALyricman]

Thank you for useful advices.

Do you see any mistake?

[Elias Graves]

Lyricman, I don't think "mistakes" is the right question to ask. You have elements in all your songs that by many would be considered nonstandard. Standard, however, only gets one to average and I don't believe average is wat you are after. Don't focus so much on whether or not it fits in, but instead amplify the things that are uniquely you. You have a nice facility for drawing out somewhat oblique associaions that are quite unexpected. Unexpected is good.

 

This particular song, though, needs to have a tighter purpose. I follow it, but it seems to wander too far afield. I suggest finding the three or four images/emotions that are most important to you here and expanding them. It seems that there are too many aspets being introduced without a satisfactory resolution to any of them. Ask yourself "Where does this song begin, what am I exploring and how does it resolve?" I don't really get the sense that the song goes anywhere. Don't abandon it, just work on it.

 

EG