Members ALyricman Posted February 26, 2009 Members Share Posted February 26, 2009 Today is the first day of my life in a new town on the stony groundWhere are many unknown faces and some sing a new sound And I can't sing it loud because I must keep my prideLike bird without wings I can't live without strings, and sings, and springs And all the beautiful things that I forgot to bring I swear that lights are everywhereall The night lights makes me blindBut I can't turn off it because I am a new kindTherefore I can't make new step to go out on the street (Chorus)In a new town I haven't found thatWhy I'm coming here downI can't forget my old soundIn this new place I haven't found graceThere's no space where I can build a new baseWhere I will hide my old graces Night is falling from a height while I don't dare to go out in the first nightIn my first letter all is black and white but I send it to the trash canAnd write another where all is alright because I am self-satisfied manLike a tiger I am running through minds, ideas and imaginesBut all is different in this new world reality I can't cope with this abnormalityI can't bring out my old qualityAnd my heart beating too hard and harder nowI don't know how to slow my heart downI don't know how to walk it out (Chorus)In a new town where all is left and downI haven't found a way to sing loudI don't know who can show me rightsWhich I must respectIn this town where all is perfectBut I can't find friend who will show me what to detectI must protect my pride if I want to sing aloud I must believe in myselfIf I want to clear all the shelvesAnd my heart beating too hard and harder nowI don't know how to slow my heart downI don't know how to walk it out (Chorus)In a new town where lights is everywhereI must walk out into the street and squareAnd catch all what I wishAnd what I don't need Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members blue2blue Posted February 26, 2009 Members Share Posted February 26, 2009 Well, that's certainly an ambitious song. Obviously sound and rhyme are a big part of how you've conceived it. Reading it from the page, I'm not sure precisely how you've conceived all of the rhythmic flow, I could imagine some tinkering might be required to get it to sing right. Clearly, it takes some ambition to write songs in a language not your own. And there are a few rough spots -- but they might end up not being a problem depending on the singing and delivery (with maybe a little of the tinkering I mentioned above). Your work continues to grow and, while there are some awkward elements, you're definitely moving toward greater facility with your songwriting in English. Keep up the good work, you're getting there! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted February 26, 2009 Members Share Posted February 26, 2009 Pretty good. One thing to watch for is rhyme placement. The placement of rhymes provides a strong rhythmic impetus (everyone is familiar with poems that have the same number of syllables per line and where each line ends in a rhyme - it's like a cymbal crash going into the chorus - a very regular pattern that you could use to set the second hand on your watch). You have a lot of rhymes in this piece, which is cool and powerful, but the patterns of the internal rhymes aren't quite tight enough. Listen to some rap - they use a lot of internal rhyme but the placement is very rhythmic. But again, I like the theme, the structure is well executed and the lines are well written. Good job. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ALyricman Posted February 27, 2009 Author Members Share Posted February 27, 2009 Thank you for useful advices.Do you see any mistake? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Elias Graves Posted February 28, 2009 Members Share Posted February 28, 2009 Lyricman, I don't think "mistakes" is the right question to ask. You have elements in all your songs that by many would be considered nonstandard. Standard, however, only gets one to average and I don't believe average is wat you are after. Don't focus so much on whether or not it fits in, but instead amplify the things that are uniquely you. You have a nice facility for drawing out somewhat oblique associaions that are quite unexpected. Unexpected is good. This particular song, though, needs to have a tighter purpose. I follow it, but it seems to wander too far afield. I suggest finding the three or four images/emotions that are most important to you here and expanding them. It seems that there are too many aspets being introduced without a satisfactory resolution to any of them. Ask yourself "Where does this song begin, what am I exploring and how does it resolve?" I don't really get the sense that the song goes anywhere. Don't abandon it, just work on it. EG Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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