Members mpeddle Posted May 12, 2009 Members Share Posted May 12, 2009 I just read a quote of Ted Bundy which became the chorus for this song fragment I wrote. It's pretty much biographical of him. Let me know what you think. I'll try and write some more lyrics and finish it off tonight. 1 verse, 1 chorus, rough recording thru laptop mic : http://www.soundclick.com/MatthewPeddle Once again, sorry for not recording anything well, but I'm more focused on the songs than quality demos. Lyrics : Verse 1I smell your rose-dipped throatin the parking lotPresent invented paindown my cloth-wrapped armYou don't know it's not real ChorusWe are your sonsWe are your fathersWe are everywhereWe are your sonsWe are your fathersWe are hiding 'neath the stairs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sad Navigator Posted May 12, 2009 Members Share Posted May 12, 2009 "cloth-wrapped" Is there a better, more evocative word? Crippled? Bandaged? Twisted? Also, "You don't know it's not real" just seems kind of Flight of the Concords or Tenacious D to me. Not in this context, perhaps. But I'm sure you can come up with a nifty way to denote phoniness beyond this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mpeddle Posted May 12, 2009 Author Members Share Posted May 12, 2009 you're dead right on both counts. thank you. do the melody/chords/vocal performance work for you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sad Navigator Posted May 12, 2009 Members Share Posted May 12, 2009 I like what you've got going. The chorus (I presume) reminds me a bit of Muse. The verse might be a tad sing-songy, but that's likely a case of getting comfortable with it. Given the subject matter, you might want to treat it menacingly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Etienne Rambert Posted May 12, 2009 Members Share Posted May 12, 2009 I don't like the cloth idea. But it didn't bother me that much. Down my sleeve, (my pin-striped sleeve)?"Wearing your throat on my pin-striped sleeve"? I did have a thought that I liked. Watch: We are your sonsWe are your fathersWe are everywhereWe are your sonsWe are your fathersWe are hiding 'neath the stars--I took the 'i' out of stairs and I got "stars". It's unexpected. I like it. Feel free not to use it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mpeddle Posted May 12, 2009 Author Members Share Posted May 12, 2009 The verse might be a tad sing-songy, but that's likely a case of getting comfortable with it. Given the subject matter, you might want to treat it menacingly. I'm actually quite conflicted on how to sing that part best. I had a gruffer delivery as I was writing it, then switched to a clearer tone, then a higher melody...then...not sure. I think it should be different from the chorus, and I'd love to hint at something sinister...but I'm not sure what will create that feeling. Also, "hiding 'neath the stars" is possible. I think I went for stairs because it's an easy rhyme. Probably the laziest line in the song. Anyone else have a strong opinion about that? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted May 12, 2009 Members Share Posted May 12, 2009 I like stars Usually used in happy metaphors, this puts a new twist on being under the stars. It puts the listener in the same place as killers. You can avoid stairs but not stars.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mpeddle Posted May 12, 2009 Author Members Share Posted May 12, 2009 how about... Verse 1I smell your rose-dipped throatin the parking lotPresent invented paindown my twisted armMy intentions concealed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sad Navigator Posted May 12, 2009 Members Share Posted May 12, 2009 I smell your rose-dipped throatin the parking lotPresent invented paindown my twisted armSomething/Nothing up my sleeve (depending on how unreliable you want to make your narrator) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mpeddle Posted May 12, 2009 Author Members Share Posted May 12, 2009 "nothing up my sleeve" is a nice twist. i'll take the idea of the unreliable/lying narrator and run with that while writing some raw material for the other verses. cool. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted May 12, 2009 Moderators Share Posted May 12, 2009 Just a thought here... This is an opportunity to present the killer in a realistic light. Just like the chorus does. So the verse is cool, but a little Hollywood for my taste. I little too Bogey Man-ish and wordy for effect. Look at your chorus. It's "everyman lingo". And that's the point too. That's what's so effective. So language like "Present invented pain", though effective on one level in a Poe-like way, just might contradict what is so effective in the chorus. I apologize, but my playback is hosed at work here, as of this morning. Haven't heard the tune, just reacting tothe lyrics on paper. I smell your rose-dipped throatin the parking lotPresent invented paindown my cloth-wrapped armYou don't know it's not real I can smell your rose-dipped throatcross the parking lotShow you a make shift slingTied with a hang man's knotAnd though the injury's make believeThe hunger in my eyes is not Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mpeddle Posted May 12, 2009 Author Members Share Posted May 12, 2009 Thanks Lee. That's very true. Reminds me of Sufjan Stevens' take on John Wayne Gacy. In my opinion, that's the finest song ever written about a serial killer, largely because of its sympathetic lyrics and creepy tone/texture Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Z-Mann Posted May 13, 2009 Members Share Posted May 13, 2009 Rose-dipped throat and cloth-wrapped arm don't work. It sounds like you're forcing the words to fit in the meter. I know rose-dipped is colorful, but "I smell your throat" seems way more effective to me as an opening line. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mpeddle Posted May 13, 2009 Author Members Share Posted May 13, 2009 Z-Mann, Thanks. I think I sort of unconsciously felt the same way about the verse...there was something that displeased me even though I liked the color of the words. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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