Members Eclepto Funk Posted January 10, 2010 Members Share Posted January 10, 2010 here's a video taken with a cheap camera in my bathroom. i would be very interested on comments as to how the lyrics work as sung, the lyrics themselves, etc. any couplets that you think don't work, etc. lyrics are under the "more info" tab any and all feedback appreciated http://tinyurl.com/ye2etrf Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members eeglug Posted January 10, 2010 Members Share Posted January 10, 2010 That was a good laugh. I enjoyed it a lot. A bit like Subterranean Homesick Blues. You do it with gusto and I'd love to hear it with a good drummer playing brushes and maybe another guy playing upright bass. Some things that I might change: the "portrait/prostate" couplet doesn't work for me. "Bleep/lip" is a bit of a stretch too. The reference to Vista is very topical and definitely will date this song. Of course there are other references to present day events and people but that one really stuck out to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ido1957 Posted January 11, 2010 Members Share Posted January 11, 2010 Well done sir! That's a lot of lyrics (to remember and to sing). I like all the different jobs and innuendos and humorous lines. This is one of your best and my current favorite. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted January 11, 2010 Moderators Share Posted January 11, 2010 here's a video taken with a cheap camera in my bathroom. i would be very interested on comments as to how the lyrics work as sung, the lyrics themselves, etc. any couplets that you think don't work, etc. lyrics are under the "more info" tabany and all feedback appreciatedhttp://tinyurl.com/ye2etrf I like this. But educate me, where's more info tab? I want to read lyrics and I'm lost... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted January 11, 2010 Members Share Posted January 11, 2010 right hand side - in the box x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted January 11, 2010 Moderators Share Posted January 11, 2010 right hand side - in the box x Thanks stick. OK... the song. It's great. So many, very funny, intelligent ideas coming at you. It's really well done. If I had to pick something that doesn't quite work it'd be, find the Golden Fleece, paint Medusa's portrait let medical students practice on my prostate and i'll be a paid escort if you please even if your undies smell like bad cheese I think "corset" offers some amusing potential as portrait's rhyme partner. And the smells like cheese bit doesn't rise up to the level of humor you've established so far. But that's nitpicking cause you have about 1000 times more cleverness packed into this than I ever could. When I listened to your performance before having the lyric to read, something bothered me a little, the open phrasing of the rhythmic cadence of your lyrics. Thing is, on paper your lyrics have a great flow... so your rendition of them is a little loose rhythmically. Even though it is all there on the page. And of course, I hear the folk/blues open flow tradition happening where you play to your own clock and are not bound by structure and rigidity. Still... I think your lyrics deserve to be rendered in a more articulate, rhythmic way. Just a thought. Really clever writing. :thu: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Eclepto Funk Posted January 11, 2010 Author Members Share Posted January 11, 2010 thanks guys, for taking the time to listen and comment hmmm ... Melinda didn't like the portrait/prostrate rhyme either it's hard to rhyme "prostate" (corset is a good idea to keep portrait) Lee, i am still about 75% through getting the phrasing down. it changes a lot throughout the song. maybe once that happens the song will flow better again, thank yoU! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Eclepto Funk Posted January 14, 2010 Author Members Share Posted January 14, 2010 last bump before i start working on the final version and thank you in advance Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sentry68 Posted January 14, 2010 Members Share Posted January 14, 2010 usually when someone says 'here's a video taken with a cheap camera in my bathroom' I get a little worried, but I clicked anyways... First off, really good concept and folksy delivery, mostly great tongue in cheek lyrics. Kind of reminds me of a Bobby Bare novelty song. I think you could use 'I'd do anything to be employed' repeated with another good line in each verse at the same turnaround, as a weird kind of 'chorus', to sew it up a little bit and tie the verses together. Even a slight change (I'd do anything to get a job), but something that offers a bit of a common thread across the verses. +1 with everyone on the portrait/prostate rhyme. There are also some fantastic lines in here, like 'swallow your pride/lose weight for you', and 'clean septic tanks from the inside out', because they're a joke in themselves. Others seem more or less random like 'burn down a forest' or 'chew on asbestos'. They fit the theme, just not as clever I guess. All that said, it's just minor observations, because it's a great song and I also like the timely references. Don't let these small critiques throw you. Great job EF, I enjoyed it a lot! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Eclepto Funk Posted January 14, 2010 Author Members Share Posted January 14, 2010 thanks, man ok, i really want to keep "prostate" the only decent rhyme i can come up with is "phosphate" help? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sentry68 Posted January 15, 2010 Members Share Posted January 15, 2010 just ate metal grate fire and slate invitate exascerbate extricate on a date tempting fate private gate love and hate I'm late choose a mate orate enemy state masterb... wait clean your plate take the bait fabricate > shimmy shake chocolate cake its a fake step on a rake e-z bake goodness sake on the take awake too fake fire lake take a break what's at stake off the top of my head Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Eclepto Funk Posted January 15, 2010 Author Members Share Posted January 15, 2010 lol priceless Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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