Moderators Lee Knight Posted May 11, 2010 Moderators Share Posted May 11, 2010 I've been working on this one line of Downhill Slippery Slope. It was pointed out by some astute dude that "They can Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Stackabones Posted May 11, 2010 Members Share Posted May 11, 2010 I love Alt2. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted May 11, 2010 Members Share Posted May 11, 2010 3rd Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted May 11, 2010 Members Share Posted May 11, 2010 I dunno - what about this? ties in with the slipping and the timing My hands are bleeding from the climbingFingers torn up, red, and rawI Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Stackabones Posted May 11, 2010 Members Share Posted May 11, 2010 I love Alt2. I'll elaborate. All these wonderfully explosive k sounds really puts you in the moment. It's a line full of action and a blast to say and sing. Tick tocking kick and claw The intial t sounds are nice, too. And the instances of assonance within that line are marvelous. This is the kind of line songwriters write and admire, while the other lines are ones that songwriters despise and rewrite. The nature's law line sound a bit middle-aged Tennyson, but a clever allusion. It works, but it takes you outside the song. And the fatal flaw is a nightmare straight out of a community college writer's workshop. It tells, but it doesn't show. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted May 11, 2010 Author Moderators Share Posted May 11, 2010 I dunno - what about this? ties in with the slipping and the timing My hands are bleeding from the climbingFingers torn up, red, and rawI Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted May 11, 2010 Author Moderators Share Posted May 11, 2010 I'll elaborate. All these wonderfully explosive k sounds really puts you in the moment. It's a line full of action and a blast to say and sing. Ti ck to cking ki ck and claw The intial t sounds are nice, too. And the instances of assonance within that line are marvelous. This is the kind of line songwriters write and admire, while the other lines are ones that songwriters despise and rewrite. The nature's law line sound a bit middle-aged Tennyson, but a clever allusion. It works, but it takes you outside the song. And the fatal flaw is a nightmare straight out of a community college writer's workshop. It tells, but it doesn't show. I agree with all that. It's my favorite for the same reasons. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted May 11, 2010 Members Share Posted May 11, 2010 ha well yeh the idea where there i guess if you want to go with the idea then it may need a little tweak... im afraid this bit is up to you though Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members notlimah Posted May 11, 2010 Members Share Posted May 11, 2010 I like the 3rd. He's the born loser right? So the "always" works great. jeff Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted May 11, 2010 Author Moderators Share Posted May 11, 2010 ha well yeh the idea where there i guess if you want to go with the idea then it may need a little tweak... im afraid this bit is up to you though We're just brainstorming. It's fun. And your idea has merit, I was only exploring it further. First thing I did with your line is I thought... "I love his songs, and I don't write like that, so what is right about that line that I'm missing. What can I learn here?" And it is the naturalness of it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted May 11, 2010 Members Share Posted May 11, 2010 I also like all the hard sounds on alt2. A very close second is your twist on Stickboy's line. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted May 11, 2010 Members Share Posted May 11, 2010 p.s tick tocking line from the top choices for sure.... im sure it will run off very nicely x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Stackabones Posted May 11, 2010 Members Share Posted May 11, 2010 Coleporteritus Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted May 12, 2010 Members Share Posted May 12, 2010 I Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted May 13, 2010 Author Moderators Share Posted May 13, 2010 I Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members smithshn Posted May 14, 2010 Members Share Posted May 14, 2010 I preferred third option. The reason is that in previous line you wrote that "I Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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