Blue Skys Over Rainbows

[Okie Bob]

Here is a song I've been fooling around with.

Something you would sing to a girlfriend

Low light, candles flickering in the dark and a bottle of wine.

She would ether love you hard or laugh right out loud.

[Matximus]

I like the idea and the central concept. I think it's done really well in the chorus especially. But I'm not sure it entirely works as a cohesive song.

 

IS the singer being sincere? Or is he intended to be a total buffoon? Your intention isn't clear to me.

 

If he aims to be sincere, I see problems: This guy's comes off like a self-absorbed dude with a god Complex. He's demanding women listen to him... ALL WOMEN ... and then he takes his sweet ass time getting to the point ... which is that he can control the universe around his woman.... In that context the ghought is just... Kinda Creepy.

 

Any chick with any sense is going to run from this dude the minute he opens his mouth.

 

But IF that's the point - that he's some a desperate horndog with no self awareness, that should be spelled out. OR, your intro to the thread indicates that this could just be a sweet guy just clowning around, putting on a front to make his lady laugh... Or is he a darker character like Ike Turner?

 

So I'm not sure what you're doing. Are you spoofing Barry White? Is it an earnest country soul attempt?

 

But again - I do like the central image of controlling the weather and I think you laid it out in a clever, deft way in the chorus. It's the context of the verses that's that's throwing me for a loop.

[Okie Bob]

I like the idea and the central concept. I think it's done really well in the chorus especially. But I'm not sure it entirely works as a cohesive song. IS the singer being sincere? Or is he intended to be a total buffoon? Your intention isn't clear to me. If he aims to be sincere, I see problems: This guy's comes off like a self-absorbed dude with a god Complex. He's demanding women listen to him... ALL WOMEN ... and then he takes his sweet ass time getting to the point ... which is that he can control the universe around his woman.... In that context the ghought is just... Kinda Creepy. Any chick with any sense is going to run from this dude the minute he opens his mouth. But IF that's the point - that he's some a desperate horndog with no self awareness, that should be spelled out. OR, your intro to the thread indicates that this could just be a sweet guy just clowning around, putting on a front to make his lady laugh... Or is he a darker character like Ike Turner? So I'm not sure what you're doing. Are you spoofing Barry White? Is it an earnest country soul attempt? But again - I do like the central image of controlling the weather and I think you laid it out in a clever, deft way in the chorus. It's the context of the verses that's that's throwing me for a loop.

 

I love the way you think.

No this is just a old love sick cowboy singing to his girl.

[Lee Knight]

I think he means "WOMAN LISTEN TO ME". As in the country guy calling his woman, "woman!" I think it's cool but raises the question, is this really your "voice"? I think you're playing a part. The country guy. It seems a bit one dimensional yet it's good. Is there a way to bring in a bit more reality?

 

Once again, it is good. It's simple and naive. Which I understand is what you're going for. The question is, are you sure you want to go that naive? If so, you've done well with the rainbows, etc. Maybe going further in that direction would make it even more so. Or the other direction by going a bit more realistic.

 

Then again... leave it . It works as is. Cool.

[urca]

Shouldn't it be "Skies" instead of "Skys"?

[Okie Bob]

I think he means "WOM A N LISTEN TO ME". As in the country guy calling his woman, "woman!" I think it's cool but raises the question, is this really your "voice"? I think you're playing a part. The country guy. It seems a bit one dimensional yet it's good. Is there a way to bring in a bit more reality? Once again, it is good. It's simple and naive. Which I understand is what you're going for. The question is, are you sure you want to go that naive? If so, you've done well with the rainbows, etc. Maybe going further in that direction would make it even more so. Or the other direction by going a bit more realistic. Then again... leave it . It works as is. Cool.

 

You were right about the spelling of women to woman, I did correct it.

I read it over and over to make sure I had it right and still missed that.

I have a problem about saying what I wrote and not reading what I wrote.

Getting older hasn't helped ether.

As far as naive...... I've heard guys promise girls the moon and star.

So its along those lines I guess.

Most of us are some what naive the first time we fall in love.

[Okie Bob]

Shouldn't it be "Skies" instead of "Skys"?

 

Probably

[blue2blue]

Ah... if we start picking apart spelling and grammar on our collective songs, we're gonna be here way into recess...

 

 

I normally don't read ahead before giving my comments but I did glance down and was amused by Matximus' either/or interpretation of the intent and potential ironic content of the song.

 

Me, I've heard a lot of simple love songs over the years, guys promising the mountains, the sky, the sun, the moon, the stars, oceans of love, seas of contentment (not to mention 100% guaranteed satisfaction) so, you know, I took it all in stride.

 

If it doesn't fall anywhere much outside that basic, hyperbolic promise-the-moon context, I don't really have a problem with that. Sometimes you just want to write a simple little song to sing to a loved one (or potential loved one) under the stars, in the glow of candlelight, etc, and this seems to fit the bill pretty snugly.

 

[rhino55]

I dont know that I would SCREAM the whole thing. :poke:

 

serious note, I like it. Simple straight to the point. Dont think I could pull it off.

 

Only thing I would consider touching up is

 

VERS II

I

[Matximus]

Ah. Sincere... Okay... I do think there is a lot of sincerity in the central image...Maybe my post was saying a bit more about me than it did your song.. little narcissistic projecting...

 

Still, if your playing it straight then I would maybe do something at the top to get to the point a bit quicker - maybe nod at the Weather Concept or something in the talky bit. Why Bury the goods? Make your first pitch a fastball. Show us your stuff... and maybe make the talky bit more ABOUT the woman, rather than so much about the singer. Show us that he's sincere about putting her first...

 

THe verses for me could also do a better job reinforcing the central theme too... there's no shortage of weather-related material to reach for .... you don't have to settle for that stuff of not having a dime: Be like Thor or Storm from X-Men and go on and get get crazy with it -- IF this chick is gonna shack up with a Weather God sell it to her daddy: What are the beneifts? Sunshine without Sunburn... no Thunderstorms just Summer Drizzle...Rough Winds become Sweet Breeze... even better a STIFF breeze, if you know what I'm saying.. ... If you guys ever get lost in the dessert? Don't have to worry about going thirsty... That Frost Bite? how bout a Warm Kiss... Other fellas with their Cold Surge ... How about a Hot Blast Of Your Love..... dry? Dusty? Arid?... ew... forget about it - your gonna Keep it moist and pleasant, weather man... Every cloud has a silver lining... (Gag...) Won't find any limp sails around this sailor... Is she confused? How about clearing up the fog for her? she don't gotta worry about tomorrow...: you got the seven-day forecast: It's gonna be nice and pleasant through Sunday with you... and on and on and on and on... Don't setttle for just no more cold nights... .

[blue2blue]

Maybe my post was saying a bit more about me than it did your song..

 

[jodyWayne]

Actually, this is a pretty darn good song. I can see exactly where the guy is comming from. What he promises is about normal for the average young guy. Even though it is unrealistic, it's the thought that counts.

 

This song may not top the charts, but in my openion it's a keeper. The only flaws I see are: the very first word of your song, "Woman". No - no - no! Country boy's say: Baby, sweet heart, darlin, honey bunch, my love, etc...

But, never Woman! And, in the chorus. To wit:

 

Here's the things that could be yours.

 

blue skys over rainbows

star light every night

I WANT YOU FOR MY WOMAN

I WANT YOU FOR MY WIFE

sunshine every day now

even in the winter time

 

Those two lines ""destroy"" your chorus.

They are all about what "you" want to be yours.

 

I would find something "she" wants to replace them with.

That is, if you really want to impress the girl.

This is saying: "I want to posses the girl"

 

I see you are holding a guitar. I assume you know how to use it?

You might want to promis her that every day of her life will be a love song.

Or, that you will write songs that tell the world how beautiful she is.

Something along those lines, maybe? Just a suggestion. It's your song.

I'm only giving an opinion, and trying to help a little if I can.

 

Take care sir,

jodyW

[Okie Bob]

Hey I just wanted to thank you all for your input.

Oh and thanks for being so gentle on my first

song post.

You all are great.