Members Eclepto Funk Posted July 24, 2010 Members Share Posted July 24, 2010 a while back i put up the lyrics for feedback (http://acapella.harmony-central.com/showthread.php?t=2626418) here's the song demo for any and all feedback, which is much appreciated http://soundcloud.com/eclepto-funk-americana/handcuffs-and-chains thank you in advance Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Marshal Posted July 24, 2010 Members Share Posted July 24, 2010 a while back i put up the lyrics for feedback (http://acapella.harmony-central.com/showthread.php?t=2626418)here's the song demo for any and all feedback, which is much appreciatedhttp://soundcloud.com/eclepto-funk-americana/handcuffs-and-chainsthank you in advance I like MUCH about it. The rhythmic tapping seems outta synch. It's distracting. It's a nice idea, for sure. But it needs to be EQ'd or something. Either harsher (slap-like) or deeper or something. Try some reverb on it. Vocally I want more emotion. This is powerful stuff. "Read my skin, and busted my bones," has got to have more disgust and pain in it. (Either that, or it has to be delivered with complacent contempt). That's the line that grabs (or loses) the listener. It sets the stage. The bridge/chorus needs to change vocal register. It needs to go higher. It's a different element in the song, but you're delivering it in the same narrow melodic range as the verses. This is very good, you know. I like drama songs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Eclepto Funk Posted July 24, 2010 Author Members Share Posted July 24, 2010 thanks for the comments ... hmmm .... of everything you said, the only thing i can't do a thing about (but would if i could) is my voice i cain't sing it any higher, man, i got no delirium crystals Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted July 24, 2010 Members Share Posted July 24, 2010 thanks for the comments ... hmmm .... of everything you said, the only thing i can't do a thing about (but would if i could) is my voicei cain't sing it any higher, man, i got no delirium crystals I agree with Marshal that the vocals are sung too bland compared to the imagery in the lyrics. I don't think you need to sing it higher, just more angrily, or disheartened. When you first sang "hand..CUFFS and chains" the phrasing bugged me. But it grew on me as the song went on. I like the use of harmony and the percussion tocking away. This definitely has potential. I think maybe tossing some guitar differentiation in now and again might be useful. I'm not talking about anything big, just a muted part here and a quick little lick there (not with a 2nd guitar, on the main track) would strengthen listener interest. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Chicken Monkey Posted July 24, 2010 Members Share Posted July 24, 2010 the phrasing is really distracting for me. It sounds like a William Shatner monologue. Cool lyric, tho. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Eclepto Funk Posted July 24, 2010 Author Members Share Posted July 24, 2010 Oswlek: thank you. I was wondering about the main guitar. I think I do need to redo it to to make it less monotonous. my idea with the vocals is resignation/defeat/acceptance. this guy's way past anger. I'll try to put some edge on the vocals though. chicken: there is a corny rhythm to the fast lines (cracked a nightstick on my brain/gave me nothing for the pain/all I got for myself was them) that bugs me. I wanna see if I can work the phrasing a little less choppy in those parts Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rockinrobby Posted July 24, 2010 Members Share Posted July 24, 2010 I agree with everything that's been said, also I may add a bridge or something? The two chords are nice, but I it needs more variation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Eclepto Funk Posted July 24, 2010 Author Members Share Posted July 24, 2010 rain pours, life's the same, no change, boredom, sameness I was gonna go with one chord but I'm nowhere near that good [edit] speaking of which, the song may be too long for just two chords ... i'm going to get rid of the last repeat of the chorus, and tighten up the spaces between the chorus/solo/chorus/solo pattern in the middle good points all Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Eclepto Funk Posted July 31, 2010 Author Members Share Posted July 31, 2010 ok, here's what i think will be the final cut, after some more mixing: http://soundcloud.com/eclepto-funk-americana/handcuffs-and-chains i ended up not changing much about the structure of the song ... mostly the lead guitar and the vocals Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted July 31, 2010 Members Share Posted July 31, 2010 I actually think that the monotonous vocal is right for the tune. I know what you mean about having a voice that is what it is, but you need to fashion the best product you can with the tools that you have and you've done just that with this one. Regarding the chord structure......I'm down with that also. You may still want to rethink the length and maybe put some pauses in the break it up a little. Shatner? Man, CM.....that borders on abusive. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members DukeOfBoom Posted August 1, 2010 Members Share Posted August 1, 2010 huge bummer. i thought it was going to be about S&M Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Etienne Rambert Posted August 1, 2010 Members Share Posted August 1, 2010 I think the lyrics are good. I like the guitar playing a lot. Two observations on the lyrics. I don't think 'white judge' rings true. Gringo judge? Anglo judge? Or just judge. You've made your point with the protagonist's name. You've expressed the inhuman logic of the law. Rephrasing it, Truth doesn't matter, a crime is a crime. That's a very great line by-the-way. It goes w/o saying the judge knows Carlos is different. I'm not sure why you have to take the extra step of pointing out his skin color. But if it's necessary, why not "Gringo" or "Anglo". 'White' is too easy. It sounds lazy. That leads me to the name. "Bien" is a more common French name.I don't think I've met any Mexicans with the surname Bien. I've met French who have that surname. I think it's very well-done though. Not much I'd change. ******************** when the man comes you're on your ownhe can read your skinand he can count your bonesbreak a nightstick on your brainthe nurse treats you for the painyou don't hear a whisper, just themhandcuffs and chains saw my PD twice, said i'd be doing timedoesn't matter what the truth isa crime is a crimeno i did not kill John Cranebut my name is Carlos Bienwhite judge made sure i'd be wearing themhandcuffs and chains when it thunders the bars rattle like a trainyou can count all your days in the pouring rainpouring rain, pouring rainhandcuffs and chainshandcuffs and chains i do have a secret ain't never been toldkilled a man in cold blood when i was nineteen years olddeal went bad out in the plaindidn't even give him a chance to explainthink of him every time i hear themhandcuffs and chains when it thunders the bars rattle like a trainyou can count all your days in the pouring rainpouring rain, pouring rainhandcuffs and chainshandcuffs and chains Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Eclepto Funk Posted August 1, 2010 Author Members Share Posted August 1, 2010 thanks guys etienne, the new lyrics are posted right below the song; i did change quite a lot: when the cops came i was on my ownthey read my skin and busted my bonescracked a nightstick on my braingave me nothing for the painall i got for myself was themhandcuffs and chains saw my PD twice said i'd be doing timethe truth is the truth, but a crime is a crimeno i did not shoot that manbut i have a Spanish namejudge knew i already was wearing themhandcuffs and chains when it thunders the bars rattle like a traini can count my days in the pouring rainhandcuffs and chains i do have a story ain't never been toldshot a man in cold blood i was nineteen years oldtook him back behind a traindidn't give him a chance to explainthink of him each time i hear themhandcuffs and chains oh btw, the last verse sounds horrible ... i am going to have to redo it. somehow it takes me for ever to hear how bad something is (a few times a few hours apart) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Eclepto Funk Posted August 2, 2010 Author Members Share Posted August 2, 2010 ok, just uploaded the last and hopefully final version of the song. I think it needs length to work to the denouement frustrating it takes so long to get something halfway decent, and it's still rough. anyway, I gotta work on living w/ the end result and concentrate on getting better thank you all for taking the time to help Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ~GOD~ Posted August 2, 2010 Members Share Posted August 2, 2010 nice playing, great melody. it's still echoing in my head 20 minutes later. is it lifted from something? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Eclepto Funk Posted August 2, 2010 Author Members Share Posted August 2, 2010 not consciously ... I think it sounds kinda like generic Paul Simon I'm glad you enjoyed it, and thanks for the kind words Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ~GOD~ Posted August 2, 2010 Members Share Posted August 2, 2010 well bravo, then. i was actually thinking it sounded vaguely brazilian (or possibly a mexican folk song, due to the lyrics and bridge). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members blue2blue Posted August 2, 2010 Members Share Posted August 2, 2010 a while back i put up the lyrics for feedback ( http://acapella.harmony-central.com/showthread.php?t=2626418) here's the song demo for any and all feedback, which is much appreciated http://soundcloud.com/eclepto-funk-americana/handcuffs-and-chains thank you in advance Some of the rhymes seem a little convenient, and so risk cheeziness, seems to me. The brain/pain rhyme in the first verse seemed especially like the nurse was just there to rhyme. And since it doesn't feed into the mood or feel (actually fights it, contradicting the notion that the protagonist is up against it in a totally hostile environment), it seems unproductive. I like the bars rattling like a train (despite the temptation to suspect this was another convenient rhyme ) but I kind of wonder if that might not be an element you might want to explore... he's stuck here, the bars are loose, the sound reminds him of a train (and so freedom, boxcar travel, etc)... and the bars are loose... begging thoughts of breakout. You could explore that angle. Even if breakout isn't 'practical' it could be a good fulcrum to explore more of his feelings about being not free. But the real core of the song, I think, is the revelation -- seemingly neglected toward the end of the song -- that even though he's not guilty of the crime for which he was incarcerated, he did kill someone (presumably) long ago in a 'deal' that went bad. (We can only presume a drug deal, further eroding conventional sympathy.) And I think the fact that he's secretly guilty of the same crime against someone else is really an interesting thing, the idea-hook that could be the center of the song... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Eclepto Funk Posted August 2, 2010 Author Members Share Posted August 2, 2010 that is the center of the song, but it's revealed late in the narrative when he first hears the bars rattle like a train, we don't yet know he killed a man behind a train. later, the image should aging a new significance after the revelation btw there's no nurse in the final version Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Eclepto Funk Posted August 2, 2010 Author Members Share Posted August 2, 2010 well bravo, then. i was actually thinking it sounded vaguely brazilian (or possibly a mexican folk song, due to the lyrics and bridge). I was going for Cuban (I am Cuban), and used the 1 2 3 - 1 2 signature Cuban percussion pattern but no, as far as I am aware, it's my melody Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members blue2blue Posted August 2, 2010 Members Share Posted August 2, 2010 that is the center of the song, but it's revealed late in the narrativewhen he first hears the bars rattle like a train, we don't yet know he killed a man behind a train. later, the image should aging a new significance after the revelationbtw there's no nurse in the final versionAh... I missed the train link up in the actual murder. I'll have to go back and check that out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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