Mr Moth Works in the Nose Department - rewrite and redo from long ago

[grace_slick]

I sicken myself sometimes. I cannot NOT make songs, even if they are all crap. I am song whore, it seems. Sincere apologies.

 

http://picosong.com/XNh

 

Mr Moth Works in the Nose Department

 

I knew a man once, a lifetime ago

His name was Mr Moth

He was my greatest love

But alas our life together was doomed from the start

Because poor Mr Moth had a plastic heart

 

Mr Moth works in the nose department

Of a factory in a town called Misery

He can

[bee3]

Lighten up a little and you could write children's music.

[LeonardScaper]

Don't lighten up too much, though........

 

Funny thing......I was flipping through some of the odd channels on the TV last night and I stumbled upon 'James and The Giant Peach'. I thought of you immediately.

[grace_slick]

Haha, I remember that show. It was rather odd if I recall...

[Marshal]

Well you change tenses. "I knew a man. . . ., He was my greatest love," and then all of a sudden we're in the present tense. "He works in a factory, etc."

 

We also don't get a sense of why these starry-eyed lovers can't be together. There's an impression that there's something societal keeping them apart. (real vs artificial body parts). But we're not getting anything concrete about why they have to live apart.

 

The story can be a metaphor for a lot of situations. We (the listeners of the world) want to know who is keeping them apart. True lovers should be together, right ? And who is the protagonist? She seems a little detached. I don't get a real sense of why she feels "He was my greatest love." There must be something else going on. We're not getting the whole picture.

 

(It doesn't take much, word-wise, to hint at personal motivation and societal oppression)

[Lee Knight]

 

Well you change tenses. "I knew a man. . . ., He was my greatest love," and then all of a sudden we're in the present tense. "He works in a factory, etc."

 

 

Good point. I think it might work as an advantage if dealt with a certain way. The tense is only different in the 1st verse. So the 1st verse is the "Once upon a time..." setup. Then as the story is told, we're told in the present. You could heighten the effect by making that 1st verse a very obvious intro. A single piano chord and spoken or somehow storyteller like. Then into the... story.

[Marshal]

 

. . . , There's an impression that there's something societal keeping them apart. (real vs artificial body parts). . . . , (It doesn't take much, word-wise, to hint at personal motivation and societal oppression)

 

 

I take that back about the society stuff. I think it's hinted at well enough. But I'd like to get some hurt or loss or resignation or guilt from the protagonist.

 

 

(Though I'll contradict myself again. Susan Vega, in her Luka song, got across the wounded-person-behind-a-wall-of-seeming-tranquility thing pretty well. So it's possible. It can even have more power that way. )

[Oswlek]

I admire how creative you are, both lyrically and musically. That said, sometimes your creativity can get in the way of my ability to connect with the song. The music and melody draw me in as much as any piece you've done, but every time you mention his plastic/prosthetic nose it jars me out of the trance.

 

Aside from that, I think it is some of the best lyric writing you've done. Part of why the "nose" bits bother me as much as you do is this is much closer to a clear emotional experience than I've seen you go. Most of your stuff is so creative that it has little meaning, but this seems more open.

[Lee Knight]

 

I take that back about the society stuff. I think it's hinted at well enough. But I'd like to get some hurt or loss or resignation or guilt from the protagonist. (Though I'll contradict myself again. Susan Vega, in her Luka song, got across the wounded-person-behind-a-wall-of-seeming-tranquility thing pretty well. So it's possible. It can even have more power that way. )

 

 

Marshall. I think your literary analysis method is good, but limited to a degree. These are songs. Not short stories. And while this type of analysis can be really helpful in focusing a song's thrust, like in the case of the tenses, it can also overlook dimensions not seen on paper.

 

So, I'm not suggesting you drop this type of analysis, but rather, that you expand it to include those intangibles that aren't so intangible upon listening...

[bee3]

I just re-read my above comment... I made myself sound like an a-hole. What I meant to say was "Lighten it up a little..."

[DukeOfBoom]

 

every time you mention his plastic/prosthetic nose it jars me out of the trance. Part of why the "nose" bits bother me as much as you do is this is much closer to a clear emotional experience than I've seen you go. Most of your stuff is so creative that it has little meaning, but this seems more open.

 

 

I find myself in the odd position of agreeing with Oswelk. This nose business really destroys the mood. It's like when you're making out with a girl, and all of a sudden she farts. It's a real dealbreaker.

[Marshal]

 

Marshall. I think your literary analysis method is good, but limited to a degree. These are songs. Not short stories. And while this type of analysis can be really helpful in focusing a song's thrust, like in the case of the tenses, it can also overlook dimensions not seen on paper. So, I'm not suggesting you drop this type of analysis, but rather, that you expand it to include those intangibles that aren't so intangible upon listening...

 

 

I ain't droppin nuttin, honey. Doesn't mean anybody has to pay attention to me. It's a point of view.

(Doesn't matter what you saw.

It ain't against the law.

It's just a character flaw).

 

Sure, I never notice that level of understanding the first time I hear a song and like it. But I'd say EVERY SINGLE SONG that makes it to my continued listen category has some tangible storyline to it. It's such a bonus. It's such a perfection in the artistry. Music is the most perfect means of communication, it seems senseless to not actually communicate something.

 

So, sure. You can also discount what I say if you don't agree with where I'm coming from. I don't expect anybody to change what they're doing because of what I say. I rarely offer specific word-change comments. It's your work.

 

But songwriting is an art form that's been around since mankind banged out it's first notes with a bone mallet. The modern Top-40-Pop-music-chart approach is really just a minor little (lucrative though) subset of a truly wonderful form of human expression.

 

 

(PS - Lest anyone confuse my rantings; I like Grace's song. I'm really enjoying her natural vocals. Good work.)

[Oswlek]

 

I find myself in the odd position of agreeing with Oswelk.

 

 

Touche', Duke. Well done!

[DukeOfBoom]

 

Touche', Duke. Well done!

 

 

The worst is when you're on a lover's lane in a car with a girl, and she lets out a silent-but-deadly SBD....

 

and the windows are shut.

 

hehehehehe

[tbry]

 

I ain't droppin nuttin, honey . Doesn't mean anybody has to pay attention to me. It's a point of view. (Doesn't matter what you saw. It ain't against the law. It's just a character flaw). Sure, I never notice that level of understanding the first time I hear a song and like it. But I'd say EVERY SINGLE SONG that makes it to my continued listen category has some tangible storyline to it. It's such a bonus. It's such a perfection in the artistry. Music is the most perfect means of communication, it seems senseless to not actually communicate something. So, sure. You can also discount what I say if you don't agree with where I'm coming from. I don't expect anybody to change what they're doing because of what I say. I rarely offer specific word-change comments. It's your work. But songwriting is an art form that's been around since mankind banged out it's first notes with a bone mallet. The modern Top-40-Pop-music-chart approach is really just a minor little (lucrative though) subset of a truly wonderful form of human expression. (PS - Lest anyone confuse my rantings; I like Grace's song. I'm really enjoying her natural vocals. Good work.)

 

 

I kinda agree with Marshall...you/we/me don't have to tell a story but it is nice when the lyric ties it all together for an ah-ha moment...Grace has an unusual sense of bizarre but that is what makes her Grace. Poor guy lost his nose and can't smell the beauty around him...knew a guy like that once...

[Lee Knight]

 

I ain't droppin nuttin, honey . Doesn't mean anybody has to pay attention to me. It's a point of view. (Doesn't matter what you saw. It ain't against the law. It's just a character flaw). Sure, I never notice that level of understanding the first time I hear a song and like it. But I'd say EVERY SINGLE SONG that makes it to my continued listen category has some tangible storyline to it. It's such a bonus. It's such a perfection in the artistry. Music is the most perfect means of communication, it seems senseless to not actually communicate something. So, sure. You can also discount what I say if you don't agree with where I'm coming from. I don't expect anybody to change what they're doing because of what I say. I rarely offer specific word-change comments. It's your work. But songwriting is an art form that's been around since mankind banged out it's first notes with a bone mallet. The modern Top-40-Pop-music-chart approach is really just a minor little (lucrative though) subset of a truly wonderful form of human expression. (PS - Lest anyone confuse my rantings; I like Grace's song. I'm really enjoying her natural vocals. Good work.)

 

 

I get it. It was tough putting what I wanted to say to you in a form that didn't sound confrontational. But it wasn't intended to be. Nor do I expect you to change your MO one bit.

[Marshal]

Not to worry. I'm made out of rubber. You gotta be if you put yourself out there on the internet. The only way to learn anything is to take risks and offer up your (my) deepest thoughts. That's what we do at a place like this. But it means developing a tough skin to some extent. And keeping a sense of inner purpose. (And fortitude?) Getting comments from others is like panning for gold. Most of what you see turns out to be gravel.

 

But the gold nuggets are lovely, aren't they?

[bee3]

 

The worst is when you're on a lover's lane in a car with a girl, and she lets out a silent-but-deadly SBD.... and the windows are shut. hehehehehe

 

Ironically, Mr. Moth would have no issue here.

[LCK]

I sicken myself sometimes. I cannot NOT make songs, even if they are all crap. I am song whore, it seems. Sincere apologies. I realised about 2/3 of the way through that this sounds like a song I know...not overly well, but I know it. Dammit. Wonder if anyone picks up on that.

 

I don't know what song you mean.

 

I think you bring up a very interesting point about songwriting, though: the "is more better or worse?" conundrum. "If I write too many songs am I using whatever talent I have unwisely, perhaps wasting it when I should save it up for a really good idea?"

 

Then there's the question of, "What if the really good ideas never come?" Which poses another question, "What if a good idea comes and I haven't been working on my craft?" You could drive yourself crazy.

 

Don't drive yourself crazy, Grace. This song is really good. The only thing I might change is how you manage the key change at the end of the first verse. It seems a little forced, not natural. I might also want to smooth up a line or two here or there for the sake of prosody. But everything else is fine.

 

Yes, on some level I think we'd all like to write masterpieces that could also turn into monster hits, but the way I see it, it's much better to produce an interesting failure than a boring hit. Besides, occasionally the really interesting songs do become hits. So I think you gotta keep that faucet running if you can.

 

Either way, give me a Grace Slick song over a Diane Warren piece of crap any day.

 

LCK

[grace_slick]

Marshal - I don

[mfergel]

I always love reading your lyrics Grace. This kind of story telling kind of reminds me of "Rocky Racoon" by the Beatles. I love that whole 'story telling' style of some songs. Wish I had your imagination.

[grace_slick]

Aw, thanks man, lol. Rocky Raccoon, eh? Isn