Members joelbah Posted June 2, 2011 Members Share Posted June 2, 2011 Here's the link to the audio...just a quick demo: http://bit.ly/khVj1T I guess it's called "Let Me Take You Home". Some parts I feel good about, some I know need work. I'd love some criticism. Here are the lyrics: Well I guess I poured the concrete in our bed threw my glass at our bare feet and found another brunette 18 months ago Tonight you're three stools down and I'm alone you're taking shots with a suit wearing cologne and again I'm hearing melodies from the records you gave back to me let me take you homeone more timeI got half a gram leftwe'll listen to the fireand some Nashville SkylineI know what I did and why you leftbut let me take you home one more time for once your hair looks tired and alone3am, and you are just now walking homebut tonight it's falling from a firehouse I hear every drop hitting the windows let me take you homeone more timethere's a bottle of winewe can listen to the rainor some billie hollidayI know what I did and why you leftlet me take you homeone more time Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Monkey Uncle Posted June 2, 2011 Members Share Posted June 2, 2011 Hi,The link to the demo does not seem to be working. Here are my brief thoughts on the lyrics: The imagery in the first verse doesn't work for me. I think I know what you are going for - the narrator blaming himself for wrecking the relationship. However, the concrete in the bed and glass at our bare feet lines don't make much sense. The second verse is great. The "suit wearing cologne" and the "melodies from the records you gave back to me" paint a clear and colorful picture of the scene. The first two lines of the third verse are good, but I can't make sense of the last two lines. What is falling from the firehouse? And why a firehouse? I know you don't want to hit people over the head with the meaning, but you at least have to give enough clues that we can figure it out before the song is over. The choruses seem fine, but of course I would need to hear the music to know whether they work. In a song like this, the catchyness (but not syrupyness) of the chorus is paramount. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members BlackBelt Posted June 2, 2011 Members Share Posted June 2, 2011 Man, what a great voice. Awesome.I think that the lyrics could use a minor tweak to make them make have some continuity of meaning (I'm not getting the firehouse reference...could you have meant "firehose", because that would make more sense to me...and her 'hair' looks tired and alone? I'd probably go with something more in agreement with the other lines, like- "You've been sitting there looking tired and alone"). But man, you've got the pipes. You've got an excellent quality and vocal tone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted June 2, 2011 Moderators Share Posted June 2, 2011 Yeah, nice. I like the slow unfolding of the chorus. I was expecting something a little more... catchy perhaps? But your chorus is perfect. Better than a pop type chorus for this. Really bittersweet melody and delivery. I agree with the input on the lyrics from the others. I've bolded what I think you could improve then added a possible redirection in the last verse: Well I guess I poured the concrete in our bed threw my glass at our bare feet and found another brunette 18 months ago Tonight you're three stools down and I'm alone you're taking shots with a suit wearing cologne and again I'm hearing melodies from the records you gave back to me let me take you homeone more timeI got half a gram leftwe'll listen to the fireand some Nashville SkylineI know what I did and why you leftbut let me take you home one more time for once your hair looks tired and alone3am, and you are just now walking homebut tonight it's falling from a firehouse (hose?)I hear every drop hitting the windows (^the verse above is good but in the context of the rest of the lyric it's a bit confusing. She's walking home from the bar. Are you already at your place? Looking at the rain through your window? That goes against "Let me take you home". I think you need to be standing in the shadows now, getting rained on and wanting to ask her, "Let me take you home". Maybe... for once your smile looks tired and alone3am, and you are just now walking homeand tonight it's raining buckets, I'm soaked head to toebut there's just one thing I want you to know... let me take you homeone more timethere's a bottle of winewe can listen to the rainor some billie hollidayI know what I did and why you leftlet me take you homeone more time Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Matximus Posted June 2, 2011 Members Share Posted June 2, 2011 You're a very good singer and writer. I like the chorus. I think it's a tad over simple, musically, in the verses. Simple is good. But too simple is bad. It leans a little too simple for me - and it's not just the barebone treatment of the demo. It might just be a matter of moving it along a bit more, snipping some and getting to that chorus quicker. I don't know. But overall you are clearly very sharp & gifted. You got a lucky voice - a very good voice. I very much enjoy your singing. A pleasant tone and natural delivery and you can do different things with it. One of the best singers I've ever heard on this forum. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members joelbah Posted June 2, 2011 Author Members Share Posted June 2, 2011 Thanks for all of the input! You pretty much all pointed out the spots that I thought were the weakest so thanks for confirming my suspicions. And thanks for the compliments on my voice...I'm trying to feel more confident so I need the encouragement. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted June 2, 2011 Members Share Posted June 2, 2011 I too think the first two lines need some attention. The concrete in the bed is a great image. It definitely made me want to read on, but it kind of makes me think of the two people being stuck together as opposed one getting kicked out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted June 2, 2011 Members Share Posted June 2, 2011 Great voice, great feel to the guitar and tune too. Cool concept, but yeah, the lyric needs a little work. I've underlined sections where I have no ideas. The 2nd line sounds like you sang "tall brunette." (I'm not crazy about that line, but adding the word tall makes it more interesting, IMO.) I've offered some suggestions, in bold, for tweaks to the lyric. Well I guess I poured the concrete in our bed threw my glass at our bare feet and found another (tall?) brunette 18 months ago Tonight you're three stools down and I'm alone you're taking shots with some suit in cheap cologne Once again I'm hearing melodies from the records you gave back to me let me take you homeone more timeI got half a gram leftwe'll listen to the fireand some Nashville SkylineI know what I did and why you leftbut let me take you home one more time your hair looks sad and lost in disarray3am, you're walking home alonebut the rain tonight hits like a firehose let me come and soften all the blows let me take you homeone more timethere's a bottle of winewe can listen to the rainor some billie hollidayI know what I did and why you leftlet me take you homeone more time Mighty fine, otherwise. LCK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members joelbah Posted June 2, 2011 Author Members Share Posted June 2, 2011 Great voice, great feel to the guitar and tune too. Cool concept, but yeah, the lyric needs a little work.I've underlined sections where I have no ideas. The 2nd line sounds like you sang "tall brunette." (I'm not crazy about that line, but adding the word tall makes it more interesting, IMO.)I've offered some suggestions, in bold, for tweaks to the lyric.Well I guess I poured the concrete in our bed threw my glass at our bare feet and found another (tall?) brunette 18 months agoTonight you're three stools down and I'm alone you're taking shots with some suit in cheap cologne Once again I'm hearing melodies from the records you gave back to melet me take you homeone more timeI got half a gram leftwe'll listen to the fireand some Nashville SkylineI know what I did and why you leftbut let me take you home one more timeyour hair looks sad and lost in disarray3am, you're walking home alonebut the rain tonight hits like a firehose let me come and soften all the blows let me take you homeone more timethere's a bottle of winewe can listen to the rainor some billie hollidayI know what I did and why you leftlet me take you homeone more time Mighty fine, otherwise.LCK yeah I did sing "tall" I guess I forgot to change the lyrics. Those first two lines do need some attention. I like them, but they don't really fit the song. I really like your suggestions. I might take some of them! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted June 2, 2011 Members Share Posted June 2, 2011 Might not work rhythmically, but it's an idea I wanted you to stay so I poured concrete in our bed before it set I threw you out instead Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted June 2, 2011 Members Share Posted June 2, 2011 I really like your suggestions. I might take some of them! Thanks. That's what they're there for. LCK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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