Because of You - WIP

[Oswlek]

Sorry for innundating the board, but I have another one I had time to get a camera demo of. LCK already helped a good deal with the lyrics, but I hadn't had time to put the melody on display. Does it work?

 

As this is a camera demo, please overlook any tempo, intination or balance issues.

 

http://www.reverbnation.com/#!/artist/song_details/9649922

 

Hey it's getting late It's almost half past eight I really should turn in What a gas it's been I know it's true And all because of you That I'm no fun anymore At parties I'm a bore Always standing by the door Rehearsing my goodbyes Regrets and alibis I guess it's true And all because of you I'm no fun anymore I wasn't always such a drag But there's no sense in going stag Now I'm making Z's Sweet dreams and memories Of nights spent on the run Back when we were fun

[stickboymusic]

Like the idea, like the song, its feels a beatles in lyrics and think it could do with a bit more fun in delivery...maybe speed it up a bit

 

im no fun anymore

 

i think it may sound nicer with "im no fun no more"

 

but see what you think

[Oswlek]

Like the idea, like the song, its feels a beatles in lyrics and think it could do with a bit more fun in delivery...maybe speed it up a bit im no fun anymore i think it may sound nicer with "im no fun no more" but see what you think

 

I'll try playing around with the tempo and I totally agree it needs a livelier performance. This was recorded as I was waiting for my son's bus to come with two other sleeping kids so I was just trying to get through it without too many mistakes.

[Lee Knight]

I'm not feeling you've found your melody here, yet. I do like the sound of "I'm no fun anymore", but the melodic center of this...

 

Hey it's getting late

It's almost half past eight

I really should turn in

What a gas it's been

 

 

...feels a little meandering. It isn't. You have a clear idea, it's just that that melody against the harmony of the guitar feel... precarious? Like it hasn't found its secure spot. It might just be me, but I feel you could rethink the melody.

[Oswlek]

 

I'm not feeling you've found your melody here, yet. I do like the sound of "I'm no fun anymore", but the melodic center of this... Hey it's getting late It's almost half past eight I really should turn in What a gas it's been ...feels a little meandering. It isn't. You have a clear idea, it's just that that melody against the harmony of the guitar feel... precarious? Like it hasn't found its secure spot. It might just be me, but I feel you could rethink the melody.

 

 

Could it be the key? It is a little high in my range for a base level.

[Lee Knight]

 

Could it be the key? It is a little high in my range for a base level.

 

 

I might be. I'd change the key to let yourself a little leeway to explore your melodic options. See, the way it's all pivoting off the 5th. Then the whole and half step movement down from there, feels... like a tightrope. So perhaps by lowering the key you'll find the melodic pocket. Does that make sense?

 

I might be way off here.

[LCK]

 

I might be. I'd change the key to let yourself a little leeway to explore your melodic options. See, the way it's all pivoting off the 5th. Then the whole and half step movement down from there, feels... like a tightrope. So perhaps by lowering the key you'll find the melodic pocket. Does that make sense? I might be way off here.

 

 

Yeah, I don't know if it's just the key. The verses seem tentative, melodically-speaking. It feels like you haven't really found the tune yet on them, while you've clearly found the chorus.

 

I agree with what Lee said about the chords not quite fitting the tune on the verses or vice versa, because when I whistle the tune or hear it in my head, without the guitar, it works quite well! So there's definitely something there, it's just not quite there yet (which reminds me of the famous Gertrude Stein quote about Oakland: "There's no there there.")

 

LCK

[Oswlek]

 

Yeah, I don't know if it's just the key. The verses seem tentative, melodically-speaking. It feels like you haven't really found the tune yet on them, while you've clearly found the chorus. I agree with what Lee said about the chords not quite fitting the tune on the verses or vice versa, because when I whistle the tune or hear it in my head, without the guitar, it works quite well! So there's definitely something there, it's just not quite there yet (which reminds me of the famous Gertrude Stein quote about Oakland: "There's no there there.") LCK

 

 

Verses are

 

A-C#m7-Cm7-E7

A-C#m7-Cm7-Bm7 (with a quick slide up from Bbm7)

 

I'm all ears if you've found a melody you think is better.

[LCK]

 

Verses are A-C#m7-Cm7-E7 A-C#m7-Cm7-Bm7 (with a quick slide up from Bbm7) I'm all ears if you've found a melody you think is better.

 

 

You asked for it, you got it!

 

I don't know if it's better, it's just what I was hearing. And, as usual, I've "accidentally" sung the words a little differently, given the song a new title (which is unusual, actually), and given the song a bit of a jazz/blues vibe.

 

Personally, I like it, but I won't be offended if you think it sucks, or it's going in the wrong direction!

 

"I'm No Fun (new chords)"*

 

LCK

 

*I actually thought this was the title and was surprised to find it's called "Because of You."

[Oswlek]

I really like it and may steal it for another project (if you don't mind). But it is a little divergant from what I was going for here.

[LCK]

 

I really like it and may steal it for another project (if you don't mind). But it is a little divergant from what I was going for here.

 

 

Hmmm. I like it too.

 

How about if I keep it?

 

LCK

[rhino55]

Hmmm. I like it too. How about if I keep it? LCK

 

*Frantically starts writing lyrics for a song titled I'm no fun*

 

[Oswlek]

 

Hmmm. I like it too. How about if I keep it? LCK

 

 

Run with it.

[Lee Knight]

Hmmm. I like it too. How about if I keep it? LCK

 

This made me laugh out loud.

[LCK]

*Frantically starts writing lyrics for a song titled I'm no fun*

 

Me? No, I just like the chord progression.

 

LCK

[oldgitplayer]

After listening to your song 'Stargazing' which is excellent in many ways, I found this a rather 'nothing' sort of song.

It doesn't say much. It doesn't evoke any emotions. It could be made to work if it was developed into a parody of itself, but in its current state.......it's a bit wet and wimpy.

 

I agree with others regarding upping the tempo and developing a more decisive melody.

 

I like your chord sequences and Lee's alternatives.

My thoughts on the matter? - Keep the chord progressions and write a different song.

 

Sorry if this is a bit blunt, and it's only an opinion from a new kid on the block.

[Oswlek]

After listening to your song 'Stargazing' which is excellent in many ways, I found this a rather 'nothing' sort of song. It doesn't say much. It doesn't evoke any emotions. It could be made to work if it was developed into a parody of itself, but in its current state.......it's a bit wet and wimpy. I agree with others regarding upping the tempo and developing a more decisive melody. I like your chord sequences and Lee's alternatives. My thoughts on the matter? - Keep the chord progressions and write a different song. Sorry if this is a bit blunt, and it's only an opinion from a new kid on the block.

 

No worries, OGP. Compared to "Stargazing" it is wimpy.

 

Yes, I know that the comparison itself wasn't your main point. This song was a tough one to drag out so it definitely doesn't quite have the feel of a natural tune. Rather than completely rewrite, I think I'm going to focus first on polishing this. When I first wrote it a few months ago, I played it for my mom and she said it was one of my best songs. I think this performance is severely lacking due to it being the first time I'd played the song literally in about two months, and the fact that I never really tightened everything down. I feel that something is there if I work at it more.

 

And, hey, if I'm wrong it's just one more in a long line of {censored}ty songs. Wasn't the first and won't be the last.

[oldgitplayer]

And, hey, if I'm wrong it's just one more in a long line of {censored}ty songs. Wasn't the first and won't be the last.

 

I'm sure it would be easy to recruit an instant membership to a club who, 'Sing in the chorus line of {censored}ty songs'.

Best wishes for 'the polishing'.

 

I'm in the 'polish before you post' league, so you won't be seeing anything from me for a while yet.

[Lee Knight]

 

Rather than completely rewrite, I think I'm going to focus first on polishing this.

 

 

I think the song has merit. What I refereed to was the nebulous feel to the melody. Then you posted your chords

 

 

A-C#m7-Cm7-E7

 

 

This, right here: Cm7... that's the issue. It's not that the Cm7, in and of itself, doesn't work. It's that you haven't made it work yet. That chord puts heavy and not so intuitive restraints on your note selection. So my advice is to work diligently through that little minefield of harmonic uncertainty until you have it tight. What, specifically are the notes that work through that change. Find out, and nail them in your performance.

[Oswlek]

 

I'm sure it would be easy to recruit an instant membership to a club who, 'Sing in the chorus line of {censored}ty songs'. Best wishes for 'the polishing'. I'm in the 'polish before you post' league, so you won't be seeing anything from me for a while yet.

 

 

I hear you, but unpolished is where this forum works best for me. I normally try to have it a little tighter than this, but, as I alluded to in the OP, I'm often scrambling just to get a halfway decent demo to put on display, so I have to take what I can get sometimes.

[Oswlek]

 

I think the song has merit. What I refereed to was the nebulous feel to the melody. Then you posted your chords This, right here: Cm7... that's the issue. It's not that the Cm7, in and of itself, doesn't work. It's that you haven't made it work yet. That chord puts heavy and not so intuitive restraints on your note selection. So my advice is to work diligently through that little minefield of harmonic uncertainty until you have it tight. What, specifically are the notes that work through that change. Find out, and nail them in your performance.

 

 

Agreed. I worked the notes out when I wrote it, but it does challenge my mediocre vocal skills.

[rhino55]

 

I'm in the 'polish before you post' league, so you won't be seeing anything from me for a while yet.

 

 

I think you're missing the point of the forum

[LCK]

 

I think the song has merit. What I refereed to was the nebulous feel to the melody. Then you posted your chords: Cm7... that's the issue. It's not that the Cm7, in and of itself, doesn't work. It's that you haven't made it work yet. That chord puts heavy and not so intuitive restraints on your note selection. So my advice is to work diligently through that little minefield of harmonic uncertainty until you have it tight. What, specifically are the notes that work through that change. Find out, and nail them in your performance.

 

 

Exactly right, as usual. When I was working out the chord changes, I took the descending structure from C#-7 to C-7 and went with it (maybe a bit too much, who knows). I also changed the tune from A minor to C and back to A minor.

 

Listening to my version today, it sounds like it might be more appropriate for a Halloween.

 

But like Lee says, it's the uncertainty/nebulosity around the C-7 that's causing most of the trouble.

 

LCK

[oldgitplayer]

 

I think you're missing the point of the forum

 

 

I hope not. I see the quality of exchange taking place here.

I just want to develop a few skills before I waste everybody's time with material that is inspiration without perspiration.

[blue2blue]

Sorry for innundating the board, but I have another one I had time to get a camera demo of. LCK already helped a good deal with the lyrics, but I hadn't had time to put the melody on display. Does it work? As this is a camera demo, please overlook any tempo, intination or balance issues. http://www.reverbnation.com/#!/artist/song_details/9649922

Camera? Camera?

 

 

(No, I get it, you sucked the audio off the vid.)

 

The song has a tight logic and a nice, slow, tin pan alley blues kind of feel. I like the lift on the bridge, but, while stag rhymes... I'm thinking there's another line that will provide a a better zinger coefficient than no sense in going stag... which seems to telegraph a sense that it's just there to rhyme.

 

 

One thing, based on uncomfortable personal experience, I might recommend away from that title. I have a song (for some years but mayb not forever) called, "It's All Because of You." When I finally got around to doing some sorted searches on the audio content from the once-daily, now fairly inactive blog (which is hosted on the Internet Archive) devoted to my songs, I was initially delighted to see a couple versions of that song had about half again as many hits as the next most popular tracks. But then I listened to those versions. While I've always sort of liked the song, it's a tough one for me to sing and, well, my performances sucked. How could they be so popular? And then it occurred to me -- mistaken identity. So I did a search and found that there's a U2 song with the same title. And one by someone else that apparently charted. So I added a 'review' of both of the songs on their pages on Internet Archive that said something like, Warning, this is probably not the song you think it is. This is a not by U2 (or whoever the other artist is) and, though I wrote and performed it and think it's an OK song, frankly, my performance of it is pretty bad. You've been warned.

 

 

EDIT: Reading through the posts -- and liking the song pretty well -- I think I have to stick up for it as it is (minor exceptions notwithstanding. And though the inversion of expectation (almost eight, etc) is something we songwriters have done a lot over the years, to the point where it's almost a ritual, I nonetheless like that bit pretty well, as is. Also, I like it sung up there, I think it brings a nice tension, and I like the tempo, as well. Speed it up too much and I think you'll lose an important part of the wry melancholia.