Stargazing - worth developing?

[Oswlek]

Here is one that popped out a little while ago. It's quite depressing, as mine often are. I'm in the middle of a few projects, but I like to keep the pipeline full so I'm posting here to get a once over from you guys. Basically I'm interested in standard songwriting feedback as well as whether I build upon the guitar/vocal or keep it simple. If you think it needs more, any specific ideas on what?

 

Thanks. For those interested, I'll post the backstory (copied from youtube) after the lyrics.

 

[video=youtube;H-zB-0gbgQE]

 

 

Close the door, turn out the ligfht Try ot keep your tears inside Remember when all hope has died To keep stargazing Your mother and I may be gone When the morning light has come You're in charge now my son So keep stargazing This memory will never fade I hope you understand one day Why we had to go away I hope, I pray So take your sister by the hand When the light touches the sand Leave this Godforsaken land I hope, I pray God, won't you help me now Close the door, turn out the light When you look back on this night Try ot keep your faith alive When your stargazing

 

 

During WWII, Russia, supposedly an ally at the time, requested the aid of Poland's best and brightest. They responded by sending over 20,000 of their top engineers, pilots, doctors and infantryman. Russia thanked them by shooting them all in the back of the head and dumping their bodies in a mass grave, and then spent the next 60 years denying any part in the atrocity.

 

On April 10 of this past year, Polish president Lech Kacynski was flying to Katyn - the site of the massacre - when his plane went down. The US media reacted with a collective shrug. "TIME" magazine ran a single page piece declaring that the disaster, which took nearly half of the Polish parliament with it, might eventually be a good thing.

 

My wife, a Polish immigrant, and I were recently talking about this and we wondered if there would be as much apathy had it been French diplomats, or a plane full of Jews, flying into a recently admitted German concentration camp.

 

************EDIT*****************

Sometimes I forget that youtube is an international venture. The prior comment wasn't intended as an attack on Germany or our German friends and family. I was just trying to illustrate the horrific event using a well known comparable from the same time period.

***********************

 

Perhaps this was on my mind when I tried to determine what this song was about. Closing my eyes and listening to the erie music, a terrifying image came to me. It was of a father, knowing full well his family is about to be taken away to some unspeakable hell, hiding his children in a secret compartment. As he's locking the door behind himself, he implores them to remain hopeful; to keep their childlike wonder alive.

[LeonardScaper]

Absolutely beautiful.

 

Wonderful guitar work as well.

[ido1957]

Love it - melody and accompaniment. And arpeggios are tough to play on an acoustic guitar let alone while singing.

[stickboymusic]

I have to say Os those few two verses literally had me, so emotional.... i LOVE the stargazing line

 

im sure the rest of a song will be great in the dynamics of a song but if you kept it all like the first two verses, maybe brought in some light piano bits and soft drums i think id be just about done.

[LCK]

Very, very nice.

 

The only problem I can see is with the way the word stargazing is sung. In conversation it's almost always spoken as STAR-gazing. It feels odd to hear it sung as star-GAZING, with the emphasis on the second instead of the first syllable.

 

Other than that, there's nothing I can see that needs any further attention. It's perfect as is.

 

LCK

[Allen Hopgood]

Hey Oswlek, Great song defintely worth developing! I agree with Leonard. Yes some light piano, I can hear a mandolin on the "This memory..." verse. Maybe another acoustic guitar doing some lead fills nothing fancy though. Female harmony on the last chorus to bring it up before coming down for the "when you're stargazing" lines.

[Monkey Uncle]

Absolutely beautiful. I love your voice - wish I could sing in that range. Although the above suggestions are all good, I think it could stand on its own just the way it is. Just you and the guitar.

[bee3]

Chilling lyrics and quite effective. I haven't listened to it yet though.

[Oswlek]

Thanks everyone. So it passes the skeletal test, which is good. I've been going back and forth with the layering, sometimes wanting to record it just a solo guitar and sometimes with other ideas (doing the arpeggios on the piano, adding some electric crunch to the bridge, etc,) and it sounds like most are leaning towards keeping things simple.

[Oswlek]

 

Chilling lyrics and quite effective. I haven't listened to it yet though.

 

 

Thanks buddy. Let me know if anything jumps out at you if/when you do.

[Lee Knight]

Wow.

 

Your mother and I may be gone

When the morning light has come

You're in charge now my son

So keep stargazing

 

Wow.

 

It's gorgeous. For piano, one way to look at it would be to play about half as much as the guitar. Either doubling some of the key notes to make them chime, or as a harmony. Or both back and forth. Very simple, cause what you have right now is just fantastic.

 

If you were at all interested in a change, I'd say, the only bit that gets off track for me is "God, won't you help me now". Only because I love the simplicity of the more indirect "So keep stargazing" and "I hope, I pray". I'd prefer an instrumental interlude there with perhaps the piano or a guitar melody taking center stage for 8.

 

But really, it's my favorite thing I've heard from you. It's almost funny you would ask if it was worth developing. It's awesome. BTW, I intentionally avoiding reading the back story to see if it holds its own. It does. It's beautiful.

[Oswlek]

Thanks Lee. If I decided to add more to the bridge, I'll see how it sounds with that line pushed back with the music taking more of a lead role.

[rhino55]

 

It's awesome. BTW, I intentionally avoiding reading the back story to see if it holds its own. It does. It's beautiful.

 

 

I did the same thing. It works fine without knowing the back story, but once I heard that, I found out why it works. Very well done.

 

I initially thought you might consider changing "may be gone" to "will be gone," but may is much the better choice. The father, while being brutally honest, is a stargazer himself and would want to hold on to some hope. Plus, without knowing the context, it alludes to the fact that it isn't the parents choice to be gone. It's really freaking good.

 

I don't think you need to make any changes, but one you might consider is the line about understanding. The only reason I say this, is as a father this guy wants his kid to remain a dreamer, but to understand this atrocity is to see humanity for what it is and would be a total loss of innocence. Obviously, that is going to happen. Maybe the line could try and get across something to the effect of I wish you never had to learn this about humanity while acknowledging they will soon enough. I have no idea how to do that.

[LCK]

 

I don't think you need to make any changes, but one you might consider is the line about understanding. The only reason I say this, is as a father this guy wants his kid to remain a dreamer, but to understand this atrocity is to see humanity for what it is and would be a total loss of innocence.

 

 

I don't see that. The line is about understanding why his parents had to split; it doesn't necessarily have to be about understanding, let alone accepting, the entire stream of events, just that Mom and Dad had no choice in the matter.

 

LCK

[rhino55]

 

I don't see that. The line is about understanding why his parents had to split; it doesn't necessarily have to be about understanding, let alone accepting, the entire stream of events, just that Mom and Dad had no choice in the matter. LCK

 

 

I'm probably reading too far into it

 

Maybe

 

This memory will never fade

I hope you understand one day

We'd no choice but to go away

I hope, I pray

[nocowsever]

Impressive combination of songwriting and guitar skill! I think you should develop it, without a doubt. It's shaping up great.

[j_landreth16]

Haunting, I love it.

The arpeggios are really pretty, and set the mood well. Maybe you could record it with a cajon coming in after the second verse just to fill it out a bit and add some simple rhythm, and begin the build-up to the bridge. I definitely think the song needs to stay stripped down though, it allows the emotion and lyrical beauty to remain the focal point.

 

Also, "this God-forsaken land" sticks out to me simply because it seems that he is a man of faith throughout the song, though vaguely implied. That line shows though that he may not really believe that God is there, or even exists.

Perhaps it serves to highlight the father's desperation, praying to a God he doesn't believe is there?

Or, I may be trying to find connections where there are none.

[Marshal]

Mysterious and lovely. A couple comments. The third line; Remember when all hope has died, bothered me. I'd rather it not be so hopeless. When it seems like hope has died, or something like that might work better for me. Leaves the door open a crack for hopeful stargazing.

 

Also, somehow I'd like to get some concrete actual reference to real people in a real situation. Your backstory is compelling. I'd like a little linkage between that and the lyric. Or something that clues me into real people in some tangible time frame. It's obviously about somehting specific. Yet, when I read the words I don't get a clue what.

 

It's a delicate balance we do when conveying an emotion/feeling to a listener. We don't want to get bogged down in details (keep it universal). But we need to give the listener some frame of reference.

 

I'm just rambling again.

 

Beautiful song. The guitar sounds great. I liked the scratchy video. Says something aesthetically. (Though the crackly noise was close to being annoying.)

[Oswlek]

Mysterious and lovely. A couple comments. The third line; Remember when all hope has died , bothered me. I'd rather it not be so hopeless . When it seems like hope has died , or something like that might work better for me. Leaves the door open a crack for hopeful stargazing. Also, somehow I'd like to get some concrete actual reference to real people in a real situation. Your backstory is compelling. I'd like a little linkage between that and the lyric. Or something that clues me into real people in some tangible time frame. It's obviously about somehting specific. Yet, when I read the words I don't get a clue what. It's a delicate balance we do when conveying an emotion/feeling to a listener. We don't want to get bogged down in details (keep it universal). But we need to give the listener some frame of reference. I'm just rambling again. Beautiful song. The guitar sounds great. I liked the scratchy video. Says something aesthetically. (Though the crackly noise was close to being annoying.)

 

Thanks Marshall, I'll give that some thought. The antique style vid was done to disguise the fact that the camera recorded audio was quite poor.

[LCK]

 

I'd like to get some concrete actual reference to real people in a real situation. I'm just rambling again.

 

 

No you're not. That's a good comment. A broken window pane, the sound of thunder in the distance: is it thunder or cannon fire? Not that there have to be too many concrete details, but a few of them, sparsely scattered, would help immensely, I think.

 

LCK

[Oswlek]

 

No you're not. That's a good comment. A broken window pane, the sound of thunder in the distance: is it thunder or cannon fire? Not that there have to be too many concrete details, but a few of them, sparsely scattered, would help immensely, I think. LCK

 

 

The lyric is a father's final set of instructions to his son and I don't see why he would be refering to small details like that.

 

I can completely see why the idea makes sense and I'm still trying to see if I can work something more concrete in, like Marshall was asking. But it really has to fit the monologue theme and not just be there as an ornament.

 

If anyone can think of something concrete and specific, it would be much more helpful. What line could be replaced? With what?

[Oswlek]

Haunting, I love it. The arpeggios are really pretty, and set the mood well. Maybe you could record it with a cajon coming in after the second verse just to fill it out a bit and add some simple rhythm, and begin the build-up to the bridge. I definitely think the song needs to stay stripped down though, it allows the emotion and lyrical beauty to remain the focal point. Also, "this God-forsaken land" sticks out to me simply because it seems that he is a man of faith throughout the song, though vaguely implied. That line shows though that he may not really believe that God is there, or even exists. Perhaps it serves to highlight the father's desperation, praying to a God he doesn't believe is there? Or, I may be trying to find connections where there are none.

 

Thanks! As for your feedback...

 

What's a cajun?

 

I see what you are saying about "Godforsaken" and how it strikes as a contrast to the "stay hopeful" message. I intended that to mean two things.

 

1) Everyone's faith can be challenged and even broken. It was some of the father's true immediate feelings coming out.

 

2) While this area has been scorched, the promise of hope still does exist in other places.

 

Truth be told, I've always been searching for an alternative there because I didn't like God appearing in two seperate places so close to each other. I'm open to suggestions if you have any.

[LCK]

 

If anyone can think of something concrete and specific, it would be much more helpful. What line could be replaced? With what?

 

 

Close your eyes (or don't), and put yourself in the scene. What do you see, hear, smell, feel?

 

That's what I do when writing a scene in a novel.

 

LCK

[Oswlek]

 

Close your eyes (or don't), and put yourself in the scene. What do you see, hear, smell, feel? That's what I do when writing a scene in a novel. LCK

 

 

Oh, I'm there, believe me. My question again is why would a father who knows he will never see his kid again be mentioning this?

 

That's the rub. Other than the bridge, every line is spoken directly to his son.

[stickboymusic]

Thanks! As for your feedback... What's a cajun? I see what you are saying about "Godforsaken" and how it strikes as a contrast to the "stay hopeful" message. I intended that to mean two things. 1) Everyone's faith can be challenged and even broken. It was some of the father's true immediate feelings coming out. 2) While this area has been scorched, the promise of hope still does exist in other places. Truth be told, I've always been searching for an alternative there because I didn't like God appearing in two seperate places so close to each other. I'm open to suggestions if you have any.

 

A cajon is one of them kinda drums things that look like a wooden box, it has coils to make a snare sound on one side and a bass port of the other and you kinda tap/hit it (maybe a little like bongos or something) to get a nice kinda sparse drum sound