All the Joy Division Fans Work In Coffee Shops

[Lee Knight]

Agreed. The way it stands now (and I do hope to get this out to you two tonight) is the bridge makes a big shift musically. And as things are moving along at a pretty good clip (155bpm not too different from JD's Transmission, hmmm...) the bridge is being repeated. Right after the little guy is introduced the bridge happens. Then it happens again where it's marked above.

 

So Bee, your idea of getting him in there earlier, that makes sense, except that things move pretty quick so it might be earlier than you think.

 

The idea for the last verse is great but I do think we need to focus on them. Repeating the 1st verse as the last, sorta works in that we're saying, if you don't step up, things will never change. The same old same old will remain the same old. But...

 

...I do think that point could be made better by either writing an entirely different closer or as Bee has done above, bend the 1st verse into something new. Let me get it to you guys so you get an idea for just how much you hate what I've done so far...

 

This "last verse" could also be an outro repeat kind of thing. One idea I'm tossing around is to stack lines from the last verse and the bridg:

 

He's walking out while she walked in (suicide makeup and a black tee top)

Kept walking out while she walked in (nice to the hippies and she's nice to the cops)

Walkin' out, walkin' in(suicide makeup and a black tee top)

 

And the walking out/in might be rewritten to play on the passing ships in the night thing?

 

Just ideas to ponder for when you get my 1st draft... but... yeah... go with your idea Stick...

[Lee Knight]

PM's for Stick, bee3 and LCK

[LCK]

 

PM's for Stick, bee3 and LCK

 

 

I know nothing about Joy Division, so I'm a bit at sea with some of the references.

 

I noticed that you used my idea to change the tense for the last line of the bridge. That's good.

 

So here's my overall impression: frickin' great!

 

Here are some notes for improvement:

 

Musically, the bridge sounds similar to some of your other recent songs.

 

Some of the lines have too many syllables, some have too few. It would be nice to spend a little time on those issues, and on making sure that the prosody isn't too far off on those lines.

 

As for the lyric as a whole, it's -- what's the word? -- oh, yeah: freakin' great!

 

I only have one reservation, the line about carving "Disorder" on all the tabletops. Looking at it as it's written out, above, it's clear that she's only imagining herself doing that. Sung, it's not as clear.

 

Maybe:

Her mind wanders off into Unknown Pleasures

Her eyes carve Disorder on all the tabletops

 

That's it. That's pretty much all I have to say.

 

I found the tune enormously pleasurable even though I have very little idea what it's about.

 

Nicely done everyone!

 

LCK

 

PS: "Her mind wanders off into Unknown Pleasures" may be one of those lines with too many syllables, or where the rhythm of the words is a little off.

 

"Her mind kinda wanders into Unknown Pleasures,

Her eyes carve Disorder on all the tabletops" ???

[honeyiscool]

I like it!

 

I'll tell you this, Lee, it takes some serious large balls to even write about Joy Division. Ian Curtis wrote the kind of lyrics that makes me want to stop writing lyrics altogether. He is seriously the reason why I never want to try writing serious lyrics because it will be like child's play to the kind of stuff Ian could write in his sleep.** Even just that opening line, "Confusion in her eyes that says it all, she's lost control," that's the kind of stuff that sends chills down spines.

 

 

 

** Or it will sound like New Order, where all the lyrics are vague enough that every song could be a forbidden homosexual love song. I mean, I love New Order, but...

[Lee Knight]

Thanks LCK for the input. That's extremely helpful. I'm busy working on the too many/too few syllables issue over this long weekend. With regards to "her eyes carve DISORDER"... that's exactly the thing that's got me in this bind. What makes sense on paper, ties up the tongue.

 

Carves disorder. That in itself is bit tricky to get out of my gob. But it does work and rocks as an image (Bee) so it's worth it. Now take a second and say: her eyes carve DISORDER.

 

her eyes kai... herrr rreyes... caurve de-over-under...

 

It great ^ but this tune is a mine field of tongue, lips, and palate trips. Which is why you so rightly pointed out the syllable issue. I love the eyes carving. That's awesome. Perhaps the issue is the breakneck tempo I'm using. I'm just sort of hooked on the idea of that feel. Bee and Stick may not be. We'll see.

 

I look forward to getting forum feedback once I get the OK from stick and bee.

[Lee Knight]

I like it! I'll tell you this, Lee, it takes some serious large balls to even write about Joy Division. Ian Curtis wrote the kind of lyrics that makes me want to stop writing lyrics altogether.

 

I've got to tell you, I don't know much about JD though I know the JD story and their hits. I do know about the characters in the song though. It could've been the Cure. But Ian Curtis and his suicide are a big component of the story I think.

 

Bee3 and Stickboy made all the song references. I just want something about those two guys working at the shop. I see them every Saturday and Sunday morning as I boot up a laptop and drink my hammerhead with nonfat down at Java Joe's.

[bee3]

I've got to tell you, I don't know much about JD though I know the JD story and their hits. I do know about the characters in the song though. It could've been the Cure. But Ian Curtis and his suicide are a big component of the story I think. Bee3 and Stickboy made all the song references. I just want something about those two guys working at the shop. I see them every Saturday and Sunday morning as I boot up a laptop and drink my hammerhead with nonfat down at Java Joe's.

You should do yourself a favor and watch the movie "Control".

 

It was really well done and was about Ian Curtis.

 

http://momentum.control.substance001.com/Main.html

[bee3]

 

I like it! I'll tell you this, Lee, it takes some serious large balls to even write about Joy Division. Ian Curtis wrote the kind of lyrics that makes me want to stop writing lyrics altogether. He is seriously the reason why I never want to try writing serious lyrics because it will be like child's play to the kind of stuff Ian could write in his sleep.** Even just that opening line, "Confusion in her eyes that says it all, she's lost control," that's the kind of stuff that sends chills down spines. ** Or it will sound like New Order, where all the lyrics are vague enough that every song could be a forbidden homosexual love song. I mean, I love New Order, but...

 

Ian wrote some killer lyrics.

 

 

DISORDER Ive been waiting for a guide to come and take me by the hand, Could these sensations make me feel the pleasures of a normal man? These sensations barely interest me for another day, Ive got the spirit, lose the feeling, take the shock away. Its getting faster, moving faster now, its getting out of hand, On the tenth floor, down the back stairs, its a no mans land, Lights are flashing, cars are crashing, getting frequent now, Ive got the spirit, lose the feeling, let it out somehow. What means to you, what means to me, and we will meet again, Im watching you, Im watching her, Ill take no pity from you friends, Who is right, who can tell, and who gives a damn right now, Until the spirit new sensation takes hold, then you know, Until the spirit new sensation takes hold, then you know, Until the spirit new sensation takes hold, then you know, Ive got the spirit, but lose the feeling, Ive got the spirit, but lose the feeling, Feeling, feeling, feeling, feeling, feeling, feeling, feeling.