Members FoonkySteve Posted October 3, 2011 Members Share Posted October 3, 2011 Ok 1st one: - untitled http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=11103585 This at the moment is without a melody, lyrics, or structure. So im off to a good start! I have a little intro melody, but nothing more than that, i am struggling with melody ideas for this, as it kind of happened by accident, not actually my style at all Ok Next one: - Nightshift http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=11103596 I totally suck at lyrics big time! Oh yeah and singing too.... anyway, these lyrics are sooo bad, i can only write about things i know about, i dont have a very good imagination. I was on nightshift for 3 weeks and wrote this little ditty... Lyrics V.1 It's not so easy, to sleep all day (Im goin, Im goin, on the Nightshift) Work through till mornin, just to get paid, (Im goin, Im goin, on the Nightshift) NightShift (Im goin, Im goin, on the Nightshift) NightShift (Im goin, Im goin, on the Nightshift) -Guitar Solo for the time being until i can fill with something better Bridge Now Daylights coming, Its nearing the end Let Me Get some Sleep Then We Can Start all over again. V2. Get Me Some Coffee to keep me awake (Im goin, Im goin, on the Nightshift) Yeah, Sleeping's cheatin, but im drifting away (Im goin, Im goin, on the Nightshift) NightShift (Im goin, Im goin, on the Nightshift) NightShift (Im goin, Im goin, on the Nightshift) Outro - Space So That's all i got just now........... any critique, would be greatly appreciated - but go easy on me now mind Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted October 3, 2011 Members Share Posted October 3, 2011 I didn't get to listen yet, but after reading your intro, I expected for the lyrics to be crap. They are anything but. I like them alot! They could be stronger in spots, but I really like what you have so far. I wouldn't change a thing in the first verse. The directness works well. The end/again rhyme in the bridge could be better. In V2 I'd use a different verb in place of get to set up coffee. Brewing, sugar in my, sucking on... etc Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted October 3, 2011 Members Share Posted October 3, 2011 Hey Foonky Steve, Now I know why you're called Funky Steve (only with a Scottish accent). Very nice tune and arrangement. By the way, you said that you were uploading two links, but there was only one! I'd like to hear the night shift one. LCK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted October 3, 2011 Members Share Posted October 3, 2011 Nice simple lyric that will resonate with a lot of working people - stick with it.I'm happy with the 'Get Me Some Coffee to keep me awake' line - it's how we speak. You've double posted the same link so we don't know which is which, but my guess is that the link is for Nightshift because it feels right for the lyric.Good music, good tune. Please finish it off - I believe you are on the right track. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members FoonkySteve Posted October 4, 2011 Author Members Share Posted October 4, 2011 Fixed the second link (i think), i cant check if its worked from work. Nice simple lyric that will resonate with a lot of working people - stick with it. I'm happy with the 'Get Me Some Coffee to keep me awake' line - it's how we speak. You've double posted the same link so we don't know which is which, but my guess is that the link is for Nightshift because it feels right for the lyric. Good music, good tune. Please finish it off - I believe you are on the right track. Hey OGP thank you too for taking the time to listen, i agree the lyrics are simple, i think too simple. I would love to be more thought provoking, and descriptive, but i know i am not capable at the moment to write a lot of lyrics, that's why i go with short lines, and lots of repetition, to me it feels like im cheating. Need Help! Thanks again everyone for taking the time, and for your warm welcome last week, and im sorry to have wasted anyones time with the double link. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted October 4, 2011 Members Share Posted October 4, 2011 Thanks a lot Rhino for taking the time to comment, it's greatly appreciated, and thankyou for your too kind words regarding the lyrics! Your right about the bridge, I'm really not happy with the lyrics at all in the bridge, and the harmonies are even worse! I think i need another angle? I like the angle. Daylight bringing the end is cool conceptually especially given the subject matter, but you have to be careful with how you do it, because it has been done before. I'd try and incorporate stronger verb for what daylight is doing. It could be running, creeping, jumping, muscling. Using a different word should lead to different phrasing which will change up the end rhymes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted October 4, 2011 Moderators Share Posted October 4, 2011 Only read Night Shift so far and it's real good. You're writing with a rhythm and that's key for me. I'll listen when I can... but, looks like you're of to a good start. You know what's good about this place? You get to get over that feeling you're experiencing now. That self doubt regarding your writing. Post, digest feedback, refine, re-post, digest newer feedback... Re-refine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted October 4, 2011 Members Share Posted October 4, 2011 Great groove. Nice vocal too. One thing that you could do is change the verb from "I'm goin' on the nightshift..." in the first verse to "I'm workin' on the night shift..." for when the guy is clearly at work in the 2nd verse. I would ditch the line "just to get paid..." It's too predictable. How about "for minimum wage..."? To me the 2nd verse doesn't make sense because you've got him drinking coffee then drifting off to sleep. Not that that kind of thing has never happened before. But I think it would be more interesting to let us know why the coffee's not working. LCK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted October 4, 2011 Members Share Posted October 4, 2011 Ok 1st one: - untitled This at the moment is without a melody, lyrics, or structure. So im off to a good start! I have a little intro melody, but nothing more than that, i am struggling with melody ideas for this, as it kind of happened by accident, not actually my style at all I like this piece and found it easy to sing a melody along with it. I have a couple of song lyrics that I haven't done music for yet, so I'd quite like to use your music. I'll PM you re: a possible collaboration. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members FoonkySteve Posted October 5, 2011 Author Members Share Posted October 5, 2011 I like this piece and found it easy to sing a melody along with it. I have a couple of song lyrics that I haven't done music for yet, so I'd quite like to use your music. I'll PM you re: a possible collaboration. Hey OGP - sounds like a plan! I'll mail back asap! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted October 5, 2011 Moderators Share Posted October 5, 2011 Thanks a lot Lee! Now how did you know it was rhythmical without even hearing it? Just by the syllables -(spelling)? I've got a LOT to learn here. "Now how did you know it was rhythmical without even hearing it?" It's not so easy, to sleep all day(Im goin, Im goin, on the Nightshift) You did what I do. That comma in the first line isn't grammatically correct but... it helps keep track of what you're hearing with regards to cadence. I could see it and then hear it. Simple statements, said succinctly. Enjoying their inherent rhythm. The first line's an obvious teeter-totter. Then using simple words you can almost taste. It's not so easy, to sleep all day All the alliteration with the S's sprinkled with the same from the T's. Not like we set out to do that. But when you get something that sounds right, there are reasons. Your simple sentence there has a form. A nice little bouncing back and forth rhythmically between the S's and T's. Then the "all day". A simple, yet strong, sound cap on the sentence. Im goin, Im goin, on the Nightshift ^ Just the simple repetition of "I'm goin'" is cool. I can imagine how that gets phrased. Or how I might. Then... "on the". Goin'/on the. The two bits have a nice symmetry, a cool balance. And while they don't rhyme really, they do have a complimentary sound to each. Goin' / on the. Then Nightshift. Hard T's. Two of them to cap off the sentence. And harder then the previous cap of "all day". The word Nightshift has a built-in rhythm. BAT-bum. NIGHT-shift. Like I said, it'd be ridiculous to set out trying to do that. But when we stumble on this stuff, it pays to notice it and not lose it. You most likely did it intuitively. That's great. Simple and effective. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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