Members fightffyrdmns Posted November 8, 2011 Members Share Posted November 8, 2011 I don't have a title for this yet, but I wanted other people's thoughts/suggestions! Thanks a lot. http://soundcloud.com/fightffyrdmns/untitled Lyrics How can I say you mean something to me If we've only spoken in passing You shouldn't be anyone to me Just some faceless body But maybe if I just sleep it off Things will be fine in the morning I probably won't forget you But I won't blame you if you do How many times can you apologize Before it becomes meaningless? I think I've already crossed that line Though I have meant it every time But maybe if I just sleep it off I will be fine in the morning I know that I won't forget you But I won't blame you if you do Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted November 8, 2011 Members Share Posted November 8, 2011 You have a very nice singing voice, and it's good to hear the words clearly articulated.The harmonised guitar picking supports the vocal melody well. I won't comment on the content because it's a young woman's song and I'm an old bloke who doesn't know much about some things. The only suggestions I have is with regard to how you sing a couple of words : I would have preferred 'if yoo-hoohoo do' was shortened to simply a long 'you'.Similarly with 'pa-ha-ha-ssing' and 'bo-ho-ho-dy' - you already successfully sing 'morning' with stretched out 2 syllables - maybe try the same with 'passing' and 'body'. Maybe the 'yoo-hoo-hoo do' could remain in the chorus if you make the adjustment just to the words in the verses. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted November 9, 2011 Members Share Posted November 9, 2011 I don't have a title for this yet, but I wanted other people's thoughts/suggestions! Very nice voice, nice simple tune, but very listenable. I don't have the same issues with how you stretched out some of the words that OGP had. To me those vocal riffs could just be there because this is an early version of the lyric, or it could be a stylistic choice. Either way, it doesn't really bother me too much. I was bothered by one thing though -- a little --, and that was the line: "just some faceless body." For some reason that doesn't ring true. Was the song based on a real person, a real event? Because it seems to me that it's more likely that a guy would obsess over a girl's body and not pay that much attention to her face. If I a guy were singing this song, that line would be okay (though it would make him a bit of a dick). But I think women tend to focus more on a guy's face than his body, unless she's appraising his wardrobe. Plus if she's spoken to him, just in passing, and she can't stop thinking about him, he probably wouldn't be a faceless body to her. Now I could be wrong. It could be that the girl in the song was, at some point, very aware of what this guy looked like, but later on she couldn't picture his face in her mind. If that's the case, it would be a good title: "I Can't See Your Face in My Mind" (though it might've been used before). Maybe that's just my own view on these things, but that line stuck out for me. As for titles, you've got plenty of others to choose from. I like: "Meaningless Tune" or "Things Will Be Fine in the Morning." LCK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted November 9, 2011 Members Share Posted November 9, 2011 PS: I listened to your other original on SoundCloud. It's very nice. I could see it being used in a movie or TV show, which is a big compliment. I think a lot of independent artists are getting their start that way. LCK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators davie Posted November 9, 2011 Moderators Share Posted November 9, 2011 I'm loving it. Voice sounds really sweet. The lyrics are nice. For the most part, I'd keep everything as it is. Though that faceless body melody sounds somewhat forced in its delivery. I would adjust either the melody of that word or the lyric of the line. My suggestion, the song needs to be called "I won't blame you", it sounds like the title line and can easily sum up the meaning on the song. You could make it even more memorable by repeating the line "But I won't blame you if you do" on the 2nd and/or last chorus. Keep up the good work! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted November 9, 2011 Moderators Share Posted November 9, 2011 I love this idea for a song. You really nailed that emotion. The sadness of falling for a casual encounter... thinking there might be something more but seeing more than than likely it won't happen. The selfless forgiveness. Just great. I'm moved. I love the melody buried in the back. What is that? Piano? It's cool. Like muted wind chimes. The only thing that confuses me, and it's not necessarily a bad thing to be a little confused, is the nature of the encounter. You've mentioned "body", "sleep it off", "in the morning"... which leads me to believe you slept together. But the phrase "we've only spoken in passing" implies this is more of an acquaintance in passing. The idea of a one night stand is a poignant one. If she really has feeling for him, but those feeling aren't returned, the forgiveness of that sexual encounter is all the more heartbreaking. Anyway, either way you slice it, it is a touching song. Very well done, and yes, your voice is gorgeous. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted November 9, 2011 Members Share Posted November 9, 2011 Lee Knight, mentioned a one night stand. I didn't get that. I was thinking the person was sleepless because they have a crush on someone who doesn't know they exist. After the first two stanzas, I was thinking this was one of those nights where you agonize and think should I say something? what should I say? what would happen if I did? Then there is a disconnect with the third. Why are we apologizing to a stranger? The third stanza might be my favorite of the piece, but I don't think it fits with the first. I think you need a new verse that explains why the apology to a stranger is necessary. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted November 9, 2011 Members Share Posted November 9, 2011 You have a very nice singing voice, and it's good to hear the words clearly articulated.The harmonised guitar picking supports the vocal melody well.I won't comment on the content because it's a young woman's song and I'm an old bloke who doesn't know much about some things.The only suggestions I have is with regard to how you sing a couple of words :I would have preferred 'if yoo-hoohoo do' was shortened to simply a long 'you'.Similarly with 'pa-ha-ha-ssing' and 'bo-ho-ho-dy' - you already successfully sing 'morning' with stretched out 2 syllables - maybe try the same with 'passing' and 'body'.Maybe the 'yoo-hoo-hoo do' could remain in the chorus if you make the adjustment just to the words in the verses. I agree that some of the phrasing with the added syllables rings a little funny at times. Otherwise I loved it. Great harmonies and I love that second guitar. I was bothered by one thing though -- a little --, and that was the line: "just some faceless body." I got the sense that she was saying he should only be a faceless body, not that he was. Lee Knight, mentioned a one night stand. I didn't get that. I was thinking the person was sleepless because they have a crush on someone who doesn't know they exist. After the first two stanzas, I was thinking this was one of those nights where you agonize and think should I say something? what should I say? what would happen if I did?Then there is a disconnect with the third. Why are we apologizing to a stranger Agreed, though it only bothered me after looking deeper, not while listening. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rickidoo Posted November 10, 2011 Members Share Posted November 10, 2011 A very pretty start for a song, in voice and accompaniment. I think the song needs a bit of variety somewhere, to break up the regular verses and chorus. It could be a mid song guitar stretch, or most anything else, or some kind of a vocal bridge. But that aside, the song as presented is quite lovely. Your voice reminds me of Steve Nicks. Rick Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted November 10, 2011 Members Share Posted November 10, 2011 A very pretty start for a song, in voice and accompaniment. I think the song needs a bit of variety somewhere, to break up the regular verses and chorus. It could be a mid song guitar stretch, or most anything else, or some kind of a vocal bridge. But that aside, the song as presented is quite lovely. Your voice reminds me of Steve Nicks. Rick I actually like the straightforward simplicity. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Ontological Posted November 12, 2011 Members Share Posted November 12, 2011 I actually like the straightforward simplicity. I gotta second Oswlek's notion. Very well done. If you're keen to collaborate I may have some songs that could be sung as a duet. PM me if you're interested. I'm gonna go listen again... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted November 12, 2011 Members Share Posted November 12, 2011 Beautiful song. Make it bigger...take it further..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted November 12, 2011 Members Share Posted November 12, 2011 I was bothered by one thing though -- a little --, and that was the line: "just some faceless body." I actually loved that particular line and think it would make for a great title. I just love it when I can disagree with our resident wordsmith. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members grace_slick Posted November 13, 2011 Members Share Posted November 13, 2011 Wow, I love this. I wish I could say I'd written it. I'd like to hear it continue on and grow bigger too, like Lenny suggested above. Some sort of swirling and increasing instrumentation going on towards the end... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted November 18, 2011 Members Share Posted November 18, 2011 I don't know how I missed this. I love it... the simplicity, the purity in your voice... I could listen to it all day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Matximus Posted November 18, 2011 Members Share Posted November 18, 2011 Beautiful. Really nice. This is really good music. You don't have to change a thing - I don't see how you could improve on the sound and simplicity in the demo. I'll give you one hard unvarnished critique: Dig deeper on the words. This is good but could be great if you have better lyrics. They sound good seemless with the music but they meander a bit and didn't leave much of an impression - my sense is the singer is talking about something deeply personal but they're being overvague for some reason. If that is the goal - leave it be. But if you want to connect with the listener think about throwing us a bone with at least one direct & striking sentiment. How can I say you mean something to me If we've only spoken in passing You shouldn't be anyone to me Just some faceless body But maybe if I just sleep it off Things will be fine in the morning I probably won't forget you But I won't blame you if you do How many times can you apologize Before it becomes meaningless? I think I've already crossed that line Though I have meant it every time But maybe if I just sleep it off I will be fine in the morning I know that I won't forget you But I won't blame you if you do Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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