Members bee3 Posted November 17, 2011 Members Share Posted November 17, 2011 So I've tentatively jotted some lyrics down for what will eventually flesh out the song I posted a few days ago (wondering what I stole). Musically, I'm changing the whole feel to get out of the Hey Delilah or S&G game. But the melody of the verse and chorus still stands. I'm bringing this forward at just the right time because I haven't done any vocal takes yet and I know the lyrics need some work. Below is the first two verses and choruses. There will be a bridge piece and last chorus which will be different than thte first two... but I'm stuck a bit. I want to see what advice you all have lyrically before I try to put something on paper for the last bits. http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=11216180 My StormTry and keep your distanceI Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted November 17, 2011 Members Share Posted November 17, 2011 It sounds really good so far. It's hard to tell at this point if you need feedback on the lyric. Seems fine to me (again, so far). LCK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted November 17, 2011 Members Share Posted November 17, 2011 lyrically this is fanf******tastic The only thing I think might need changing is 'tend.' I'd try (brew, percolate, stew, simmer) in my fears Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted November 17, 2011 Members Share Posted November 17, 2011 I really do like this song - it sounds like something id listen to regardless of this forum Suggestion on chorus (i havent thought about rest of song yet - im just enjoying it so far) Your calm is more my storm my friend (i think MY friend as original is much cooler)IF THIS NIGHT SHOULD NEVER ENDMy whole world will shatterWHEN this storm heads out to seaAnd it calms down eventuallyBy then it shouldn Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted November 17, 2011 Members Share Posted November 17, 2011 Not much to say yet...except.... ......when you sing this line..Your calm is more my storm dear friend...you put some very serious emotion out and it really sounds good. I think you should look at how you were feeling right then and put this tune together around that emotion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted November 17, 2011 Author Members Share Posted November 17, 2011 I really do like this song - it sounds like something id listen to regardless of this forum Suggestion on chorus (i havent thought about rest of song yet - im just enjoying it so far) Your calm is more my storm my friend (i think MY friend as original is much cooler)IF THIS NIGHT SHOULD NEVER ENDMy whole world will shatterWHEN this storm heads out to seaAnd it calms down eventuallyBy then it shouldn Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted November 17, 2011 Author Members Share Posted November 17, 2011 Not much to say yet...except.... ......when you sing this line.. Your calm is more my storm dear friend...you put some very serious emotion out and it really sounds good. I think you should look at how you were feeling right then and put this tune together around that emotion. Will do. Thanks... I'm going to be working on this tonight. I have a lot of musical ideas... just not sure how to achieve them. Trying to break away from my norm. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted November 18, 2011 Members Share Posted November 18, 2011 I like stick's idea for the chorus. Everything else seems just fine. I like "tend to my fears." In fact, I like it a lot. LCK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted November 18, 2011 Members Share Posted November 18, 2011 This is going to end up a good song even if I'm not quite sure where it's coming from - I feel it in my waters. I feel that the chorus could benefit from escaping logical narrative. My take would to try to hint at meaning rather than say it in a straightforward manner - it's that kind of concept. (go on - try on the enigmatic hat)Something like (maybe) : Your calm is more my storm my friendWhy walk a road where we pretend And storms will fade and scatter. (there needs to be an implied 'anyway' in the voice when sung).But calm can turn to storm my friend Afraid this life is not the endBut does it really matter? I think the chorus melody is terrific, but the end of the verse melody feels like there could be a better solution in the last line. Especially when you repeat the last line of the verse. It sounds melodically 'wilted'. I don't have any suggestions though. I expect that the verses will be tweaked along the way, but I would like to see the chorus lyric as solid and accomplished as the chorus melody. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted November 18, 2011 Author Members Share Posted November 18, 2011 Oh man... I knew this would happen. I like both Stick's and oldgit's suggestions for the chorus. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted November 18, 2011 Members Share Posted November 18, 2011 Oh man... I knew this would happen. I like both Stick's and oldgit's suggestions for the chorus. I'm not completely sure what you want the song to say - do you want your world to shatter? Or do you want both characters to find some realisation ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted November 18, 2011 Author Members Share Posted November 18, 2011 Initially, I wanted my world to shatter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted November 18, 2011 Members Share Posted November 18, 2011 Initially, I wanted my world to shatter. Cool. Sort of. Here's the first thing: you've become quite a good and very interesting songwriter. Music & lyrics both. And this song (and "Coffee") have kind of sealed the deal, even though this one isn't finished yet (or is it?). Okay, now to any lyrical "fixes" that might be required. This is the chorus you're singing on the recorded snippet (as you know). Your calm is more my storm, my friend. Afraid this life is not the end. But does it really matter? (repeat) But it appears as if you want to change it, possibly to what you've posted, or to follow stick's idea. And the more I think about it, and listen to the song, over and over, I'm not sure it should be changed. In fact, I quite like it the way the chorus already is, as sung. I also think the 1st & 2nd verses are different enough in style and substance from the 3rd & 4th that you've written down but haven't recorded yet, that those later verses may not really fit into the finished song you've got somewhere in your head. It's difficult for me to know what's going on inside your head, but if I were you, I'd play around with the idea of just singing what you've got on "tape" right now, do a solo, and sing it again. Something like this: My Storm Try and keep your distance I Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted November 18, 2011 Author Members Share Posted November 18, 2011 OK... I worked on this a bit last night. (LCK - sorry, didn't see your note until after I was finished!). I've changed musical direction a bit and am interested in what you think. This is a partial clip... just the first two verses and choruses. I'm not happy with my bridge, so it will require a re-write and that's why you won't hear it here. I ended up going with Stick's version of the chorus, but am still undecided lyrically where I want this to go. NEW VERSION HERE -------> My Storm Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted November 18, 2011 Moderators Share Posted November 18, 2011 Wow! This new version is cool. Really cool. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted November 18, 2011 Members Share Posted November 18, 2011 Mr Bee!! What the hell.... wow this HAS changed!! You know waht im like with encouraging you to do sparse arrangements so YES to that.... there are parts where i do prefer the old demo.... i liked that picking guitar where as now its all spacey bass! Its cool.... its just different you been having protools lessons!?!?!?! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted November 18, 2011 Author Members Share Posted November 18, 2011 Mr Bee!! What the hell.... wow this HAS changed!! You know waht im like with encouraging you to do sparse arrangements so YES to that.... there are parts where i do prefer the old demo.... i liked that picking guitar where as now its all spacey bass! Its cool.... its just different you been having protools lessons!?!?!?! I'm not done yet... this just the basics. I was really hoping to put some nice accent instrumentation in there... not something I'm very adept at. I'm having trouble finding the right sounds. Regarding the picking part... I was thinking it would come across as too busy, but I'll give it a try. Maybe try out my new 12-string electric. But overall, should I continue in this direction, or revert to the original? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted November 18, 2011 Members Share Posted November 18, 2011 I'm not done yet... this just the basics. I was really hoping to put some nice accent instrumentation in there... not something I'm very adept at. I'm having trouble finding the right sounds. Regarding the picking part... I was thinking it would come across as too busy, but I'll give it a try. Maybe try out my new 12-string electric.But overall, should I continue in this direction, or revert to the original? I've just had a listen - and I was having mixed feelings : I like what you've done with the 'uncertain' melody at the end of the verses and reinforced it with the 'uncertain' chord.The chorus instrumentation is really nice with the organ - the whole section swells and lifts in a good way. But the bit I can't get my head around compared with the 1st version is the pulsing, 'glooping' bass. Maybe it's a bit dominant.You had a rolling movement in the 1st version with the guitar work that I liked.Maybe both would work in the mix - I dunno. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted November 18, 2011 Author Members Share Posted November 18, 2011 I've just had a listen - and I was having mixed feelings :I like what you've done with the 'uncertain' melody at the end of the verses and reinforced it with the 'uncertain' chord.The chorus instrumentation is really nice with the organ - the whole section swells and lifts in a good way.But the bit I can't get my head around compared with the 1st version is the pulsing, 'glooping' bass. Maybe it's a bit dominant.You had a rolling movement in the 1st version with the guitar work that I liked.Maybe both would work in the mix - I dunno. Yeah, I was trying to do something a bit different... maybe back to the drawing board on those verses. I may try to mix in some fingerpicked guitar and see how it goes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted November 18, 2011 Members Share Posted November 18, 2011 Yeah, I was trying to do something a bit different... maybe back to the drawing board on those verses. I may try to mix in some fingerpicked guitar and see how it goes. It may not need to be changed as much as be modified in the mix.You were trying for something different - why not pursue the idea. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted November 18, 2011 Members Share Posted November 18, 2011 It may not need to be changed as much as be modified in the mix.You were trying for something different - why not pursue the idea. Yeh stick with it - its cool as hell you may have to play with that bass sound so its not interfering with other things but its totally cool looking forward to seeing how this goes! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted November 18, 2011 Author Members Share Posted November 18, 2011 Regarding the bass comments: what you are hearing is bass, wah-guitar, and wah-clavinet all kind of doing (kind of) the same thing. Is it too much? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted November 18, 2011 Moderators Share Posted November 18, 2011 Regarding the bass comments: what you are hearing is bass, wah-guitar, and wah-clavinet all kind of doing (kind of) the same thing. Is it too much? It's the Clav. The wah is adding a pretty intense resonant peak. And that's way cool. But I'd put a limiter on it that only engages on those peaks. Just work the threshold down to the point where it's not doing anything until one of those peaks occurs. That way you can keep it up for the cool texture but it doesn't pop out, taking heads with it. I really love it. Just gotta tame the peak. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mahuska Posted November 19, 2011 Members Share Posted November 19, 2011 Cool tune in every sense. This is the first time I visited this thread. It is marvelous to see how this interaction has helped this song progress in a positive collective manner. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members dylanthermos Posted November 22, 2011 Members Share Posted November 22, 2011 Second version is extremely good. A very complete sounding song.I loved the Hammond sound.Yes a little polish in the mixing department and you will have a creditable tune. Sparse arrangements seem to be the idiom nowadays but hey it's your song......I loved it.......dylan. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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