My Storm

[bee3]

So I've tentatively jotted some lyrics down for what will eventually flesh out the song I posted a few days ago (wondering what I stole). Musically, I'm changing the whole feel to get out of the Hey Delilah or S&G game. But the melody of the verse and chorus still stands.

 

I'm bringing this forward at just the right time because I haven't done any vocal takes yet and I know the lyrics need some work. Below is the first two verses and choruses. There will be a bridge piece and last chorus which will be different than thte first two... but I'm stuck a bit. I want to see what advice you all have lyrically before I try to put something on paper for the last bits.

 

http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=11216180

 

My Storm

Try and keep your distance

I

[LCK]

It sounds really good so far.

 

It's hard to tell at this point if you need feedback on the lyric. Seems fine to me (again, so far).

 

LCK

[rhino55]

lyrically this is fanf******tastic

 

The only thing I think might need changing is 'tend.' I'd try (brew, percolate, stew, simmer) in my fears

[stickboymusic]

I really do like this song - it sounds like something id listen to regardless of this forum

 

Suggestion on chorus (i havent thought about rest of song yet - im just enjoying it so far)

 

Your calm is more my storm my friend (i think MY friend as original is much cooler)

IF THIS NIGHT SHOULD NEVER END

My whole world will shatter

WHEN this storm heads out to sea

And it calms down eventually

By then it shouldn

[LeonardScaper]

Not much to say yet...except....

 

......when you sing this line..Your calm is more my storm dear friend...you put some very serious emotion out and it really sounds good. I think you should look at how you were feeling right then and put this tune together around that emotion.

 

[bee3]

 

I really do like this song - it sounds like something id listen to regardless of this forum   Suggestion on chorus (i havent thought about rest of song yet - im just enjoying it so far)   Your calm is more my storm my friend (i think MY friend as original is much cooler) IF THIS NIGHT SHOULD NEVER END My whole world will shatter WHEN this storm heads out to sea And it calms down eventually By then it shouldn

[bee3]

Not much to say yet...except.... ......when you sing this line.. Your calm is more my storm dear friend ...you put some very serious emotion out and it really sounds good. I think you should look at how you were feeling right then and put this tune together around that emotion.

Will do. Thanks...

 

I'm going to be working on this tonight. I have a lot of musical ideas... just not sure how to achieve them. Trying to break away from my norm.

[LCK]

I like stick's idea for the chorus. Everything else seems just fine.

 

I like "tend to my fears." In fact, I like it a lot.

 

LCK

[oldgitplayer]

This is going to end up a good song even if I'm not quite sure where it's coming from - I feel it in my waters.

 

I feel that the chorus could benefit from escaping logical narrative. My take would to try to hint at meaning rather than say it in a straightforward manner - it's that kind of concept. (go on - try on the enigmatic hat)

Something like (maybe) :

 

Your calm is more my storm my friend

Why walk a road where we pretend

And storms will fade and scatter. (there needs to be an implied 'anyway' in the voice when sung).

But calm can turn to storm my friend

Afraid this life is not the end

But does it really matter?

 

I think the chorus melody is terrific, but the end of the verse melody feels like there could be a better solution in the last line. Especially when you repeat the last line of the verse. It sounds melodically 'wilted'. I don't have any suggestions though.

 

I expect that the verses will be tweaked along the way, but I would like to see the chorus lyric as solid and accomplished as the chorus melody.

[bee3]

Oh man... I knew this would happen. I like both Stick's and oldgit's suggestions for the chorus.

[oldgitplayer]

 

Oh man... I knew this would happen. I like both Stick's and oldgit's suggestions for the chorus.

 

 

I'm not completely sure what you want the song to say - do you want your world to shatter? Or do you want both characters to find some realisation ?

[bee3]

Initially, I wanted my world to shatter.

[LCK]

Initially, I wanted my world to shatter.

 

Cool. Sort of.

 

Here's the first thing: you've become quite a good and very interesting songwriter. Music & lyrics both. And this song (and "Coffee") have kind of sealed the deal, even though this one isn't finished yet (or is it?).

 

Okay, now to any lyrical "fixes" that might be required.

 

This is the chorus you're singing on the recorded snippet (as you know).

 

Your calm is more my storm, my friend.

Afraid this life is not the end.

But does it really matter?

(repeat)

 

But it appears as if you want to change it, possibly to what you've posted, or to follow stick's idea. And the more I think about it, and listen to the song, over and over, I'm not sure it should be changed. In fact, I quite like it the way the chorus already is, as sung.

 

I also think the 1st & 2nd verses are different enough in style and substance from the 3rd & 4th that you've written down but haven't recorded yet, that those later verses may not really fit into the finished song you've got somewhere in your head.

 

It's difficult for me to know what's going on inside your head, but if I were you, I'd play around with the idea of just singing what you've got on "tape" right now, do a solo, and sing it again. Something like this:

 

My Storm

 

Try and keep your distance

I

[bee3]

OK... I worked on this a bit last night. (LCK - sorry, didn't see your note until after I was finished!). I've changed musical direction a bit and am interested in what you think. This is a partial clip... just the first two verses and choruses. I'm not happy with my bridge, so it will require a re-write and that's why you won't hear it here.

 

I ended up going with Stick's version of the chorus, but am still undecided lyrically where I want this to go.

 

NEW VERSION HERE -------> My Storm

[Lee Knight]

Wow! This new version is cool. Really cool.

[stickboymusic]

Mr Bee!!

 

What the hell.... wow this HAS changed!!

 

You know waht im like with encouraging you to do sparse arrangements so YES to that.... there are parts where i do prefer the old demo.... i liked that picking guitar where as now its all spacey bass!

 

Its cool.... its just different

 

you been having protools lessons!?!?!?!

[bee3]

Mr Bee!! What the hell.... wow this HAS changed!! You know waht im like with encouraging you to do sparse arrangements so YES to that.... there are parts where i do prefer the old demo.... i liked that picking guitar where as now its all spacey bass! Its cool.... its just different you been having protools lessons!?!?!?!

I'm not done yet... this just the basics. I was really hoping to put some nice accent instrumentation in there... not something I'm very adept at. I'm having trouble finding the right sounds. Regarding the picking part... I was thinking it would come across as too busy, but I'll give it a try. Maybe try out my new 12-string electric.

 

But overall, should I continue in this direction, or revert to the original?

[oldgitplayer]

 

I'm not done yet... this just the basics. I was really hoping to put some nice accent instrumentation in there... not something I'm very adept at. I'm having trouble finding the right sounds. Regarding the picking part... I was thinking it would come across as too busy, but I'll give it a try. Maybe try out my new 12-string electric. But overall, should I continue in this direction, or revert to the original?

 

 

I've just had a listen - and I was having mixed feelings :

 

I like what you've done with the 'uncertain' melody at the end of the verses and reinforced it with the 'uncertain' chord.

The chorus instrumentation is really nice with the organ - the whole section swells and lifts in a good way.

 

But the bit I can't get my head around compared with the 1st version is the pulsing, 'glooping' bass. Maybe it's a bit dominant.

You had a rolling movement in the 1st version with the guitar work that I liked.

Maybe both would work in the mix - I dunno.

[bee3]

 

I've just had a listen - and I was having mixed feelings : I like what you've done with the 'uncertain' melody at the end of the verses and reinforced it with the 'uncertain' chord. The chorus instrumentation is really nice with the organ - the whole section swells and lifts in a good way. But the bit I can't get my head around compared with the 1st version is the pulsing, 'glooping' bass. Maybe it's a bit dominant. You had a rolling movement in the 1st version with the guitar work that I liked. Maybe both would work in the mix - I dunno.

 

Yeah, I was trying to do something a bit different... maybe back to the drawing board on those verses. I may try to mix in some fingerpicked guitar and see how it goes.

[oldgitplayer]

 

Yeah, I was trying to do something a bit different... maybe back to the drawing board on those verses. I may try to mix in some fingerpicked guitar and see how it goes.

 

 

It may not need to be changed as much as be modified in the mix.

You were trying for something different - why not pursue the idea.

[stickboymusic]

 

It may not need to be changed as much as be modified in the mix. You were trying for something different - why not pursue the idea.

 

 

Yeh stick with it - its cool as hell

 

you may have to play with that bass sound so its not interfering with other things but its totally cool

 

looking forward to seeing how this goes!

[bee3]

Regarding the bass comments: what you are hearing is bass, wah-guitar, and wah-clavinet all kind of doing (kind of) the same thing. Is it too much?

[Lee Knight]

Regarding the bass comments: what you are hearing is bass, wah-guitar, and wah-clavinet all kind of doing (kind of) the same thing. Is it too much?

 

 

It's the Clav. The wah is adding a pretty intense resonant peak. And that's way cool. But I'd put a limiter on it that only engages on those peaks. Just work the threshold down to the point where it's not doing anything until one of those peaks occurs. That way you can keep it up for the cool texture but it doesn't pop out, taking heads with it. I really love it. Just gotta tame the peak.

[Mahuska]

Cool tune in every sense. This is the first time I visited this thread. It is marvelous to see how this interaction has helped this song progress in a positive collective manner.

[dylanthermos]

Second version is extremely good. A very complete sounding song.I loved the Hammond sound.

Yes a little polish in the mixing department and you will have a creditable tune. Sparse arrangements seem to be the idiom nowadays but hey it's your song......I loved it.......dylan.