Moderators Lee Knight Posted February 1, 2012 Moderators Share Posted February 1, 2012 For Stick's Blockbuster challenge. Page 22 of The Face Thief by Eli Gotlieb Does that still happen?Do people still fall in love?Aren't they just trapped inSome dream they've always dreamed of?The disappointed stars of their own playStumbling to the edge of the stageBowing to the sound of one hand clappingDoes that still happen?Really, does that still happen? Do hearts still breakWhen lovers fall apart?The top layer of a wedding cakeFrozen like some work of artStill on ice for their anniversaryStill just a dream, the baby's nurseryDo tears flow anymore in love's wake?Do hearts still break?Really, do hearts still break? And if somehow I could believe againSomehow conceive of againOf something so naiveOf a you and meOf a weDoes that still happen? *It's going to be an aggressive 6/8 thing. Think the 6/8 groove to Hey Paula. Now trash up the drums, use muddy trem electrics, and sing with a Joan Osborne sort of aggression. Or The Black Keys doing Earth Angel. That's what I'm hearing. A hipped up 50's ballad that rocks more than doos or wops. In a muddy sort of way. Or something. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rickidoo Posted February 1, 2012 Members Share Posted February 1, 2012 1. Love all (Especially the one hand clapping line)... but the two lines bolded.... a. It was probably just me, but when I read "stars", the instant meaning I took away was stars as in stars in teh sky. But I did connect it with a play by the end of the line. But there were 2 or 3 words of "huh?" in there., Again, just me. b. Stumbling to the edge of the stage... do people stumble to the edge or stumble at the edge? Does that still happen?Do people still fall in love?Aren't they just trapped inSome dream they've always dreamed of?The disappointed stars of their own playStumbling to the edge of the stageBowing to the sound of one hand clappingDoes that still happen?Really, does that still happen? 2. Do hearts still breakWhen lovers fall apart? The top layer of a wedding cakeFrozen like some work of artStill on ice for their anniversaryStill just a dream, the baby's nurseryDo tears flow anymore in love's wake?Do hearts still break?Really, do hearts still break? 3. And if somehow I could believe againSomehow conceive of again And if somehow I could believe againin us together, and then Of something so naiveOf a you and meOf a weDoes that still happen? Just a my couple of cents worth. Probably not worth a penny. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted February 1, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted February 1, 2012 1. Love all (Especially the one hand clapping line)... but the two lines bolded.... a. It was probably just me, but when I read "stars", the instant meaning I took away was stars as in stars in teh sky. But I did connect it with a play by the end of the line. But there were 2 or 3 words of "huh?" in there., Again, just me. b. Stumbling to the edge of the stage... do people stumble to the edge or stumble at the edge? Does that still happen? Do people still fall in love? Aren't they just trapped in Some dream they've always dreamed of? The disappointed stars of their own play Stumbling to the edge of the stage Bowing to the sound of one hand clapping Does that still happen? Really, does that still happen? 2. Do hearts still break When lovers fall apart? The top layer of a wedding cake Frozen like some work of art Still on ice for their anniversary Still just a dream, the baby's nursery Do tears flow anymore in love's wake? Do hearts still break? Really, do hearts still break? 3. And if somehow I could believe again Somehow conceive of again And if somehow I could believe again in us together, and then Of something so naive Of a you and me Of a we Does that still happen? Just a my couple of cents worth. Probably not worth a penny. "2. Do hearts still break When lovers fall apart? love falls" apart?" I like that^ Do hearts still break, when love falls apart? "The disappointed stars of their own play Stumbling to the edge of the stage" I know what you mean about this^. I do like the idea of a cynic seeing someone in love as being trapped in a play. Playing a part like they think they should do. And taking an empty bow. So I'll mess with those lines to clean them up maybe. But I know what you mean, it didn't come as easy as the other bits. "Somehow conceive of again " I'm not sure I'm with you on this one. I like the slow unfolding of a possible change of heart. I don't want to come out and say it at all, cause this character is gun shy with love. So he dances around the idea of coming around. And if somehow I could believe again Somehow conceive of again Of something so naive Of a you and me Of a we Does that still happen? I think I'm liking that as is. I think... I'm curious to hear other input though. Is your point that "conceive" triggers thoughts of sexual conception? I hadn't thought of that. Hmmm... Nice critique Rick. Thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted February 1, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted February 1, 2012 Does that still happen?Do people still fall in love?Aren't they just trapped inSome dream they've always dreamed of?The disappointed lead of their own playPlodding/trudging/ambling to the edge of the stageBowing to the sound of one hand clappingDoes that still happen?Really, does that still happen? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted February 1, 2012 Members Share Posted February 1, 2012 I like stars. I like every damn thing about this lyric so far. In fact, I'm so envious of your work on this song I'm feeling a mixture of giddiness, fear, and anger. Really nice work. You've set the bar pretty high on this one... LCK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted February 1, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted February 1, 2012 Giddiness and anger!!!!! That's awesome! Thanks, Lee! Musically, I'm hearing more Bob Dylan than Gershwin here. This should be interesting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rickidoo Posted February 1, 2012 Members Share Posted February 1, 2012 1. Plodding/trudging/ambling to the edge of the stage How about "standing at the edge of the stage" instant meaning but also fits like a glove to the follow on line:Bowing to the sound of one hand clapping 2. The disappointed lead of their own play... That does have instant meaning. I'm trying to think of the phrases that go with actors and plays.. here are a few random thoughts.. just in case it spurs creative juices... The tragic ending of their own playAn outcast actor in their own playIn the last curtain call of their own playThe lead actor in their own tragedy Anyhow.. agree with LCK you got the fixen's of a good song. Rick 2. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted February 1, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted February 1, 2012 How about "standing at the edge of the stage"instant meaning but also fits like a glove to the follow on line:Bowing to the sound of one hand clapping "Standing" was the first thing that came to mind. As I was writing. But I liked the idea of this "actor" going through motions he's starting to question. Just the act of getting to the edge of the stage to take his bow is almost too much and is only fueled by habit. That was the idea... Being careful not to be too overtly dramatic. More weary, I guess. Questioning, why the hell am I doing this, in a cynic's way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted February 2, 2012 Members Share Posted February 2, 2012 I really like it. I have no problem with the context of the word, 'conceive'. I'm chuffed that your scant verses have put LCK into a state of self-confessed giddiness, fear and anger...... A very unmajor 7th state for him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rickidoo Posted February 2, 2012 Members Share Posted February 2, 2012 Lee.. confession time... your line "The disappointed stars of their own play", I really liked the imagery of, the more I thought about it, following Gits and LCK's comments I thought I must be wrong. And I was. In my response to stick's challenge I used "As he lives his lonely life in his one man show" because your line was twirling around in my head. I felt a tad guilty. But I really think the imagery of your line is potent. Please forgive. Rick Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted February 2, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted February 2, 2012 Lee.. confession time... your line "The disappointed stars of their own play", I really liked the imagery of, the more I thought about it, following Gits and LCK's comments I thought I must be wrong. And I was. In my response to stick's challenge I used "As he lives his lonely life in his one man show" because your line was twirling around in my head. I felt a tad guilty. But I really think the imagery of your line is potent. Please forgive. Rick Please forgive? Come on... Take a look some time at the amount of suggestions I give compared with how much is used. The idea, at least for me, is to give the writer something to think about as he goes about trying to hone the tune. That's why I give my opinion but assume it won't be assimilated into someone's song. It's just food for thought. And I agreed with you. I agreed with them too. So I'm still working it out. And will probably let it be... but... I'm still working it out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted February 2, 2012 Members Share Posted February 2, 2012 It's very good so far. The neat and careful nature of the lines and rhymes does not seem especially well suited to a Dylaneaque musical treatment, but weirder things have happened (and worked). I'd like one more verse to pull the whole scenario together. Why has he been so disengaged from life that he is not sure if love works the way that he remembers it? What is the relationship between his current experience of new love and his previous experience of new love? I've been stuck here so long Living out my own song That I've forgotten what love Is made out of. Are we still the same Or are you someone else again Am I trying to put my hand In OJ's old glove? Can two people still really Fall in love? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted February 2, 2012 Members Share Posted February 2, 2012 And if this still happensAnd people do fall in loveCould you be falling in loveWith me?I'm a sixty year old manIn a sixteen year old's plotAnd it still happensBecause it happenedTo me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted February 2, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted February 2, 2012 It's very good so far. The neat and careful nature of the lines and rhymes does not seem especially well suited to a Dylaneaque musical treatment, but weirder things have happened (and worked). I'd like one more verse to pull the whole scenario together. Why has he been so disengaged from life that he is not sure if love works the way that he remembers it? What is the relationship between his current experience of new love and his previous experience of new love? I've been stuck here so long Living out my own song That I've forgotten what love Is made out of. Are we still the same Or are you someone else again Am I trying to put my hand In OJ's old glove? Can two people still really Fall in love? Nice idea with the verse capper. I'm feeling it and it's cool. I'm not sure I want to cap it. But getting it to music will give more of a handle on the idea. But I like what you've done and will keep it for reference. Nice, and thanks Regarding the Dylan music? I got a different idea driving home yesterday. It's going to be an aggressive 6/8 thing. Think the 6/8 groove to Hey Paula. Now trash up the drums, use muddy trem electrics, and sing with a Joan Osborne sort of aggression. Or The Black Keys doing Earth Angel. That's what I'm hearing. A hipped up 50's ballad that rocks more that doowops. In a muddy sort of way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Monkey Uncle Posted February 3, 2012 Members Share Posted February 3, 2012 FWIW, I actually like "stumbling to the edge of the stage" better than any of the other suggestions for that line. I think it establishes the going-through-the-motions image very well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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