Members stickboymusic Posted February 24, 2012 Members Share Posted February 24, 2012 Hello Just had a quick idea ive jotted in video form (im struggling to play it perfectly and sing but you get the idea.) It may or may not be worth pursuing but even where im up to needs work. does the incessant rhyme in the chorus bit annoy you? got any ideas? Kiss me on this darkest nighttell me everythings alrightor I'll run from you now Make me red when i feel bluetell me that this love is trueor i'll hide fromyou now Shakin' you got me in this tailspinbreakin' and falling for youachin' you got my body flakin (??)stakin' my claim over you. [video=youtube;oOaENdYMm6w]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oOaENdYMm6w Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted February 24, 2012 Moderators Share Posted February 24, 2012 Oh yeah... I'm likeing that! How about: Shakin' you got me in this tailspinbreakin' and falling for youachin' you got me awake and...stakin' my claim over you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted February 24, 2012 Members Share Posted February 24, 2012 Nice. I heard an alternate version of the refrain. You sing "run... from... you now" whereas in my head it went: "run.. from you.... you now" To try to illustrate it in time think: run............ from......run..... from you....... So the "you" starts exactly where "from" is now and from - sung on the same note as it is now - is on the beat just prior. Not saying it is better, just tossing it out there. If you like it, you could also put a "from" just in from of "you now" as well. As for the line, how about Shakin' you got me in this tailspinbreakin' and falling for youachin' you got my body flailin'stakin' my claim over you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ido1957 Posted February 24, 2012 Members Share Posted February 24, 2012 Good start, maybe this works ... My throttle Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted February 24, 2012 Members Share Posted February 24, 2012 Very, very nice. I think you're right. The chorus is a bit too rhymie. What if instead of using so many "k" rhymes (like "shakin") you add a few "l" rhymes (like so). Shakin, I'm in a tailspin, shakenfallin' and callin' for youAchin, my heart might be breakin.Until you ask will you be true? I don't know if this works, or makes sense yet. But it might be a direction to try. LCK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted February 24, 2012 Members Share Posted February 24, 2012 Timeless. I really love the feel on this. I hope it remains a sparse arrangement. The refrain doesn't bother me in the least. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rickidoo Posted February 24, 2012 Members Share Posted February 24, 2012 Absolutely stunning melody. And I love how the guitar echos the melody on each line. Mandolin as a sound-different instrument? Rick Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted February 24, 2012 Members Share Posted February 24, 2012 Absolutely stunning melody. And I love how the guitar echos the melody on each line.Mandolin as a sound-different instrument?Rick Mandolin would be really cool. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted February 26, 2012 Author Members Share Posted February 26, 2012 Ok here is a scratch recording of where im up to.... im no further lyrically than above.... but if people thing its working then im gonna sit and finish this one I know people mentioned keeping it stripped but ive kinda gone half way thoughts so far? http://soundcloud.com/stickboy/my-claim-over-you-demo-needs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rickidoo Posted February 26, 2012 Members Share Posted February 26, 2012 Lov'en it. The world needs more positive, upbeat songs. "Shaking tall spin..." tamborine timing... not sure about that. I think it was in the execution because just before the ending the tambourine sounds perfect. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted February 26, 2012 Author Members Share Posted February 26, 2012 Lov'en it. The world needs more positive, upbeat songs. "Shaking tall spin..." tamborine timing... not sure about that. I think it was in the execution because just before the ending the tambourine sounds perfect. cool - like i say its just a quick demo - im gonna rerecord once ive finished writing the tambourine is supposed to follow the snare perfectly.... and will Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted February 26, 2012 Moderators Share Posted February 26, 2012 Ok here is a scratch recording of where im up to.... im no further lyrically than above.... but if people thing its working then im gonna sit and finish this oneI know people mentioned keeping it stripped but ive kinda gone half waythoughts so far?http://soundcloud.com/stickboy/my-claim-over-you-demo-needs Yeah, I really like the tempo and groove. The second the tune starts you get a good feeling. I really do like your melody hook in the verse and the guitar echo of it. So simple, but it feel it just makes you feel good. The B is cool. I love the anticipated snare/tamb groove. I know you know that needs to lock. One thing that crossed my mind, when it does, that hihat might need to change. It sounds like it's the pattern from the verse maybe? And it feels like a guy wouldn't keep that rhythm thing going when he was going to do the anticipated snare thing. He'd most likely straighten out. And I get this is a quick demo but I only mention these things so you have the input for your next workup. The melodica is pretty out of tune. If you're tuned to standard on the guitars, the melodica just might too far out in that key to be used. But hell yes, this is a tune that totally works. My fave from you of recent vintage. Once worked up it'll really shine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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