Moderators Lee Knight Posted March 9, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted March 9, 2012 Maybe try you made up for coming out the block you made up for with the way you came out the block you made up for coming out the block ^ that's intersting... You asked me to lunch, said I was what you wanted to be You picked up the tab, fed my ego, I love eating for free What you lacked in time on the clock You made up coming out of the block Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted March 9, 2012 Members Share Posted March 9, 2012 I also think the 'stock' word has more bite than the 'block' word. You don't need to be ruled by the clockWhen you're making dough from company stock or You don't have to be ruled by the clockWhen you're making cash from company stock Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted March 9, 2012 Members Share Posted March 9, 2012 Oooo Ooooo Ooooooo For the second prechorus, I'd loose the 'up.' Too predictable. What if instead we find out the narrator is buying the guy a drink, and this song is sort of a toast to him. What were you thinking? Clearly you wereNow I've been drinking the details are a blurBut your star is rising, I hear you put me to shame Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted March 9, 2012 Members Share Posted March 9, 2012 Same here. Growth stock I was liking. But it's very clunky. The idea that he doesn't have time on the clock but made up for it in growth stock, that he's so good stock prices are rising, that was kind of cool. But kludgey. I'm liking the starting block.And... I'm propping the "made up for it" you made up at the starting block, using the prior line to set up this one grammatically. I think it's working. You could make the time on the clock about the narrator instead. You asked me to lunch, said I was what you wanted to beYou picked up the tab, fed my ego, I love eating for freeI know I don't have much time left on the clock From what I hear you're better for the stock Or You're salary is better for the stock Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted March 9, 2012 Members Share Posted March 9, 2012 You could make the time on the clock about the narrator instead.You asked me to lunch, said I was what you wanted to beYou picked up the tab, fed my ego, I love eating for freeI know I don't have much time left on the clockFrom what I hear you're better for the stockOr You're salary is better for the stock The bold is a good twist, IMO. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted March 9, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted March 9, 2012 Good stuff. I really wanted to use stcok and I like what you've done there Ryan. I might use that give or take a word or two. Losing the "up", that works. I love the image of him drinking. Down with the ship, this gig's been a pip, think I'll take another sip. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted March 9, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted March 9, 2012 You asked me to lunch, said I was what you wanted to beYou picked up the tab, fed my ego, I love eating for freeNot much time left for me on the clockTruth is, you're better for the stock Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted March 9, 2012 Members Share Posted March 9, 2012 You asked me to lunch, said I was what you wanted to beYou picked up the tab, fed my ego, I love eating for freeNot much time left for me on the clockTruth is, you're better for the stock Reading it over, I'm sensing a disconnect between line 2 and 3. He jumps immediately from overly self-satisfied to resigned. In the context of the entire song, it might be fine, though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted March 9, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted March 9, 2012 Reading it over, I'm sensing a disconnect between line 2 and 3. He jumps immediately from overly self-satisfied to resigned. In the context of the entire song, it might be fine, though. You asked me to lunch, said I was what you wanted to beYou picked up the tab, fed my ego, but nothing is freeNot much time left for me on the clockTruth is, you're better for the stock Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted March 9, 2012 Members Share Posted March 9, 2012 Perhaps something like Now you've got me watching/racing/battling the clock To highlight the past tense verbs of the prior lines and seperate it from the present concern a little. Edit to add an alternative verb above. If you do that you might consider making it "loved" in line 2. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tedmich Posted March 9, 2012 Members Share Posted March 9, 2012 inspiration Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted March 9, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted March 9, 2012 Perhaps something likeTo highlight the past tense verbs of the prior lines and seperate it from the present concern a little.Now you've got me watching/racing/battling the clock Edit to add an alternative verb above. If you do that you might consider making it "loved" in line 2. I really like Now you got me watching the clock. But with a closer look, does that really mean what we want to say. Sort of does. It sounds and sings great and is pretty close to the right meaning that I think its' gonna fly. But I'm lost on this: "Edit to add an alternative verb above. If you do that you might consider making it "loved" in line 2". I don't understand what that means. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted March 9, 2012 Members Share Posted March 9, 2012 Yeah, "watching the clock" sounds like a normal bored employee, which was why I offered some alternatives. But you are right that the original line conveys its meaning the clearest. As for part 2 I love eating for free Should be I loved eating for free If you go the "now you...." route. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted March 9, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted March 9, 2012 ^ ah. I think I'm liking the 'nothing is free' change. It ties the ideas together per your ealier concern. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted March 9, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted March 9, 2012 Fountains of Wayne / Power Pop. Guitars and Beach Boys harmonies. Tambourines, shakers and claps oh my... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted March 9, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted March 9, 2012 What if instead we find out the narrator is buying the guy a drink, and this song is sort of a toast to him. I missed the nuance of this^^^. I like that a lot. Here's the idea worked a little: What were you thinking? Clearly you wereNow I've been drinking the details are a blurHere's to your star rising, you put me to shame Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted March 9, 2012 Members Share Posted March 9, 2012 I messed the nuance of this^^^. I like that a lot. Here's the idea worked a little:What were you thinking? Clearly you wereNow I've been drinking the details are a blurHere's to your star rising, you put me to shame I love it. Here's to your star rising and corporate downsizing Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted March 10, 2012 Members Share Posted March 10, 2012 I still think you haven't caught the boat yet on the 'stock' opportunity.Did you miss this (cough cough) on the previous page : You don't have to be ruled by the clockWhen you're making cash from company stock Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted March 10, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted March 10, 2012 I still think you haven't caught the boat yet on the 'stock' opportunity.Did you miss this (cough cough) on the previous page :You don't have to be ruled by the clockWhen you're making cash from company stock Sorry, I should have replied but got caught up. I like that a lot. But... I'm going for what I see everyday. A guy that makes the company's stock rise. He's a valuable commodity to the share holders. The kind of guy you're happy is on board and frightened of at the same time. You're stoked he makes the team more potent but hoping you're still on the team... FYI, I'm safe, but some of my friends aren't. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted March 10, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted March 10, 2012 I love it. Here's to your star rising and corporate downsizing I like that too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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