Lyric Critique: Laser Guns (Explicit)

[LordBTY]

Since I started this thread I recorded a very rough version of it - it hasn't been comped or melodyned or anything so it sounds a bit rough.

 

Feel free to critique anything (except how unpolished it sounds ;p)

 

 

I'm thinking of changing it to something like "But our future is {censored}ed and it's just my luck. I'm staring down the barrel of lasers. She will stare and I'm stuck Yes, it's just my luck. I'm solid as a rock but she's paper."

 

 

 

 

YOnYuF2gXig

 

Verse 1

 

You see her and she's sex

See me dropping that jaw

I loved her 'cause she looked like a

chore.

 

I tried to trust, I got her

this diamond, platinum pure,

then found her {censored}ing my friend on the

floor

 

Pre-Chorus 1

 

I hate it how she's making my head spin.

But the lover that she laid she then left him

I guess that then we move to the next thing

the next thing

the next thing

 

Short Bridge

 

She'll cry and whinge.

We'll fight, she'll win.

 

Chorus

 

but our future is foul,

I can't leave 'cause now

I'm staring down the barrel of

lasers.

 

And I don't know how

I will leave her now.

I'm solid as a rock but she's

paper.

 

Yes, our future is foul,

I can't leave 'cause now

I'm staring down the barrel of

lasers

 

This 'ent fun, honey bun.

what have I done,

to stare down at the barrel of

your laser gun?

Gun

gun

gun

 

Verse 2

 

You see her and she's sex

See me try and ignore

the times she'd go and act like a

chore.

 

I tried to trust, I love her,

then found him {censored}ing her raw.

Some things, they never will never change but I'm

bored.

 

Pre-Chorus 2

 

I hate it how she's making my head spin.

I'll envision everything we have ending.

But then we'll go and move to the next thing

the next thing

the next thing

 

(Short Bridge)

 

(Chorus)

 

Middle eight

 

but future's are frightening

the rock stays still in its time.

Live with thunder and lightning

the night brings

the storm, I...

 

Pre-Chorus 3

 

I hate it how she's making my head spin.

But I'll make believe and chase happy endings

And now we'll go and move to the next thing

the next thing

the next thing

 

(Short Bridge)

 

(Chorus)

[blue2blue]

Hi LordBTY

 

 

First, cheers on managing to avoid the all-too-obvious W rhyme with floor and chore. I'm thinking, given the topic, that that might still work for a different kind of 'ghost rhyme' in many listener's mind. More bang for the buck. Er... that may be a poor choice of phrases, given the givens.

 

(I noticed you said the explict part was starred out -- but I think you forgot to do the starring out. But, as long as you got the warning in the title, that's fine. I did change the title to reflect the unstarred-out reality.)

 

Anyhow, it's a bit disjointed -- but, hey, nothing necessarily wrong with that in pop music, as long as it all works somehow as a whole, although I guess some doubt on that front is why I mention it.

 

Now, I like the partial rhyme of paper/laser -- but, call me an old crabby guy, but I worry that talking about laser guns seems like it might have some potential to limit your audience to teenage boys and those who haven't quite made the transition to adult concerns. (Yes, I do understand that the Navy says we're about 4 years away from being able to put laser weapons on our ships. I'm just thinking that it's an image with baggage problems.)

 

That said, if it's intended to be a high energy rock tune, teen males are probably a huge part of the potential audience. And, for that matter, if it was intended as a dubstep or club pop track, it seems to me that lyrics in those songs are pretty well an afterthought for everyone from the kids on the floor to the people scribbling down the typically insipid rhymes and worn phrases that form the lyrics of so much dance/club pop.

[LordBTY]

Hi LordBTY First, cheers on managing to avoid the all-too-obvious W rhyme with floor and chore. I'm thinking, given the topic, that that might still work for a different kind of 'ghost rhyme' in many listener's mind. More bang for the buck. Er... that may be a poor choice of phrases, given the givens. (I noticed you said the explict part was starred out -- but I think you forgot to do the starring out. But, as long as you got the warning in the title, that's fine. I did change the title to reflect the unstarred-out reality.) Anyhow, it's a bit disjointed -- but, hey, nothing necessarily wrong with that in pop music, as long as it all works somehow as a whole, although I guess some doubt on that front is why I mention it. Now, I like the partial rhyme of paper/laser -- but, call me an old crabby guy, but I worry that talking about laser guns seems like it might have some potential to limit your audience to teenage boys and those who haven't quite made the transition to adult concerns. (Yes, I do understand that the Navy says we're about 4 years away from being able to put laser weapons on our ships. I'm just thinking that it's an image with baggage problems.) That said, if it's intended to be a high energy rock tune, teen males are probably a huge part of the potential audience. And, for that matter, if it was intended as a dubstep or club pop track, it seems to me that lyrics in those songs are pretty well an afterthought for everyone from the kids on the floor to the people scribbling down the typically insipid rhymes and worn phrases that form the lyrics of so much dance/club pop.

 

 

Hey - thanks for the feedback. It is very much a pop song - 130bpm, house beat etc. almost sounds like an eccentric male Lilly Allen with a bit of Katy Perry + musical theatre. I'm glad you noticed the chore rhyme - the way it's delivered, it comes across as a joke. It leads the listener to believe I'm DEFINITELY going down that aforementioned road; figured it's an easy way to make an impact on an opening line (it managed to make my girlfriend laugh ;p.)

 

Admittedly, the talk of lasers was more because I composed the track and imagined a laser sound as one of the hooks/attention grabbers - I had attempted to make it vaguely relevant by speaking of the future + altering the 'barrel of a gun' phrase. I didn't go with a gun shot as it's a bit overdone.

 

Also, I'm really sorry about neglecting to star out the profanity - I had in the initial post but it skipped my mind in the pasted-over edit.

[urca]

So if we put "explicit" in the subject line that means we can post tunes with suggestive lyrics? Awesome!

[LordBTY]

Yup - I reviewed the posting rules before posting this.

[blue2blue]

So if we put "explicit" in the subject line that means we can post tunes with suggestive lyrics? Awesome!

You bet. We still have to live within the general Harmony Central Terms of Service, but they're quite liberal with regard to expression (the exception being 'hate' speech, threats and that sort of thing).

 

Of course, you must make sure that it's clear from the title that it's NSFW, EXPLICIT, ADULT CONTENT or the like.

 

 

My thinking is that the forum itself should be a welcoming, secure environment for people of different faiths, points of view and ages (HC allows members fro 13 years of age up) and that, in general, people should use language appropriate to that mix.

 

But it's also my position that, within the context of a song -- and making sure that disturbing content is clearly marked in the thread title -- artistic expression should be as unrestricted as possible -- and we've had a few really extreme sets of lyrics from some in the black metal and death rock crowds, you bet. (And, I have to say, such lyrics can stir some interesting dialog. I know I was fascinated on one occasion to be able to finally ask someone virtually face-to-face what the big, compelling fascination with cannibalism and necrophilia was, although the answer was peculiarly unsatisfying, basically that that was what all his favorite songs were about. Okey doke. )

 

 

Now, at least one person with a strongly religious point of view has been offended by some content within a properly marked thread, but after I pointed out to him that he had a responsibility to stay of properly marked threads he thought might prove offensive to him, he seemed to get the picture. It's a two way street.

[LordBTY]

^ I updated everything and added an instrumental: thoughts anyone?

[RickDieffenbach]

LordBTY,

 

I'm digging the music, but looking forward to hearing the words and the music at the same time. There are many talented people that can look at a set of lyrics without music and still make some great comments.... but "me" not one of them...

 

Alternatively, you can overlay the melody in the music.

 

Rick

[LordBTY]

Thanks, man - I was more looking for a lyrical critique before I try learning them all and recording them. I doubt anyone could gather what they sound like with the track but that was just there so that people could get an idea of what the song is like.

[LordBTY]

I added a rough recording of it - if you wanna have a go.

 

I'm thinking of changing it to something like

 

"But our future is {censored}ed

and it's just my luck.

I'm staring down the barrel of lasers.

 

She will stare and I'm stuck

and it's just my luck.

I'm solid as a rock but she's paper."

[LCK]

 

I added a rough recording of it - if you wanna have a go. "She will stare and I'm stuck and it's just my luck. I'm solid as a rock but she's paper."

 

 

I like that.

 

The song is very creative. It reminds me, in a way, of the Bonzos*. It's got a similar theatrical, rock-meets-English-music-hall feel.

 

LCK

 

*The Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band (Neil Innes & Vivian Stanshall).

[stickboymusic]

Music is cool as hell!!.... mad mix of pop/punk/craziness

[LordBTY]

 

Music is cool as hell!!.... mad mix of pop/punk/craziness

 

 

 

Thanks, guys. For some reason most things I do end up sounding like some kind of theatrical punk ;p

 

What would you say about the hookiness/ lyrical message of the song?

 

Also, LCK, is the 'our future's {censored}ed' not to your liking due to you feeling the swearing is lyrically inappropriate here or are you not a fan of cursing all together?

[lassygrew]

amazing lines the lyrics are creative

[Marshal]

Well. It's not my style in any way. (But you knew that already.) Too sonically busy for me. But I'm sure some like this.

 

I really do love the lines:

I'm staring down the barrel of lasers.

I'm solid as a rock but she's paper."

 

Those are SOLID in any genre. Though the delivery is off, in that I would normally expect the lasers and paper to be delivered without hesitation. I realize that the hesitation thing follows the first verse where you hesitate before saying chore, (so the listener will think whore in their minds first). Because of this you've set up a pattern of hesitation before the anchor word in your phrases. That's a good repetitive technique. Though it takes away from the power of lasers and paper later on.

 

Some good stuff here.

 

PS - On the hesitation thing. . . , sometimes it's good to vary your delivery. Use the hesitation when you've got a naughty thought going. But deliver it straight out when you're being direct. Then later bring back the hesitation when you've being naughty again. That gives the listener clues as to what's going on. Plus it keeps the song fresh. The hesitation on non-naughty parts takes away from the anticipation on the naughty lines.

 

If that makes any sense, you're a better man than I.

 

(PSPS - if the lasers are meant to be a metaphor for her breasts, then the hesitation and a tongue-in-cheek delivery can give that clue. But I'm hard pressed to come up with a double-entendre for paper.)

[Mahuska]

Wow that's crazy cool stuff here. You are very creative. I don't know if it is just me as no one so far as mentioned that it is hard to make out the lyrics. I had a hard time following them as was doing my best to keep up

reading the Lyrics while listening. I feel the vocals need to be performed and recorded more cleanly. I know that is a Production issue but I thought I would put in my 2 cents.

[Lee Knight]

Wow. Yeah... lots to digest. The verse and the build both have a cool, on the edge, tonal sense. I get where the key is, I like how you take us to the edge and it sounds like its going to go tumbling out of the tonal center... but it leads us along perfectly. The chorus, however, gets a little less focused with regard to its harmony. As a chorus, and you keep mentioning hookiness so it seems that's a concern, it isn't hooky to me. IT feels like you have more prechorus and bridge sprinkled into your chorus. I'd try to distill the best of it and try to focus on that. Or... land more assuredly on a tonal center. A key. Right now, it's tough to feel where your tensions and resolutions are.

 

And they may be there, but the staccato nature of everything is clouding the harmony. Maybe a more sustained bass in some parts could give us some harmonic clues. I love the adventurousness of it and a lot of what you've done, but I do think you need to steer toward a tonal center, and eventually land. If even for a second.

 

The verses do this wonderfully.

[Lee Knight]

Listened again. I really think it's a matter of supporting your melody with the right accompaniment. That chorus, with that funk guitar through the envelope follower, while a really cool tone, at this point, does nothing harmonically. The cool chording is obscured. Short bass, more shickashick than pure note in the guitar, a vocal part that is flying around the room, all adds up to... what?

 

And it's so cool. We gotta hear those chords. The ones you're hearing in your head. We're not hearing those. Maybe a pad?

[LordBTY]

Wow, guys! I thought no one was interested and this thread was dead - thanks.

Production wise, this is pretty raw so I know it doesn't sound all that. Since I posted that I changed the first half of the chorus with stripped down drums to give it an almost 'trance-like' feel.

 

I hadn't actually originally intended the hesitation to be anything naughty - though, it's a good point. Lasers aren't actually a metaphor for anything - it's simply a futuristic twist of 'staring down the barrel of a gun'. Though, the idea of it being her tits is hilarious. I may change it but I do feel pretty set on keeping the hesitation how it is.

 

Harmonically the chorus is identical to the verse just in the dominant key - the bridge chords are just a way of getting back to the verse. If it doesn't feel like that to other people, I'll have to change it. Now that it's stripped down on the first half of the chorus I could put the triads in a pad form deffo without muddying anything up. Funnily enough, the 'wowowo' is actually playing the chords - though, it definitely doesn't shine through.

[Oswlek]

FWIW, I like the laser sound preceding "lasers", but I agree with Marshall that "paper" doesn't really need a pause in front of it. If you want to mix up the laser bit, you could put the sample before the word once and after another time.

[LordBTY]

 

FWIW, I like the laser sound preceding "lasers", but I agree with Marshall that "paper" doesn't really need a pause in front of it. If you want to mix up the laser bit, you could put the sample before the word once and after another time.

 

 

That's an awesome idea - may try that. I'm struggling to imagine singing 'paper' without the hesitation though. I'd probably also need to alter the second half of the chorus (this 'ent fun honey bun etc.) to not include the laser sound for the sake of symmetry - I reckon without such symmetry it would feel a bit off.

 

P.S. To be pedantic, I actually programmed the sound with a synth - it wasn't a sample *smug look*

 

Slightly off topic, but I feel the need to showcase this:

 

SO7kCdXYW0U