Lyrical Critique: Stay by my Side - An Electropop Song about Psychosis.

[LordBTY]

If you would also comment on the general music

 

oinOVEYhdzM

 

This is a song I'm pretty happy with, originally an electronic ballad, I made it slightly 'peppier' and uptempo to give it more of a 'jump around' vibe. It's about mental illness, intended as a conversation with a person's imaginary friend - either works.

 

 

 

Verse 1

 

I dunno what to do or

who is gonna cure

these voices in my head now.

(head now)

Tell me, are you quite sure

that I should ignore

these voices in my head?

 

Border up my bed then

fight my funny friends.

I don't feel so alone now.

(lone now)

I never knew the norm when

trying to pretend

I don't feel so alone.

 

Chorus

 

Stay in the day

for everything's confusing

and I need you at night

for dreams are dim and daunting

Stay by my side

Stay by my side

Stay my side

I dread there's something dead about my

 

head

 

Stay by my side,

I dread you'd choose a sedative instead.

 

Verse 2

 

 

I dunno what to do or

if you'll ever cure

these voices in my head now.

(head now)

Maybe it's a lost war

trying to ignore

these voices in my head.

 

It' awesome you appeared, though

now I really know

I don't feel so alone now.

(lone now)

I'm looking through a window

will you make it so

I don't feel so alone?

 

(Chorus)

 

Sing to the siren slumb, wonder which world will I conjure?

Want to hurple through the purple place, a place where perfect people take their tiny minds and take their time to face their minds then rise. I quite like mine - my mind I own. I left my death then left alone. I need your care. I see you there. Where were you? Were you aware that roped in a robot mode I moped how perfect people push to pair? I craft and master life and lines and cleverly don't care. I dig for danger left to lose my life which I would share.

 

(Chorus Variation)

 

 

Head to my hive

be busy as a bee but honey,

don't ever die.

If lover you are lonely,

Stay by my side

Stay by my side

Stay by my side

I dread you'd choose a sedative instead.

[oldgitplayer]

Some lines are obscure, but that's OK for the nature of the song, but there are also some lines that I can't work out what you mean at all.

 

Maybe you could consider these :

 

Now I no the norm when

bothering to blend,

I don't feel so alone.

 

I dread there's something dead about my

Head to my hive

[LordBTY]

 

Some lines are obscure, but that's OK for the nature of the song, but there are also some lines that I can't work out what you mean at all. Maybe you could consider these : Now I no the norm when bothering to blend, I don't feel so alone. I dread there's something dead about my Head to my hive

 

 

Ah, the former seems to be a pretty unforgivable spelling mistake (I typed these out from memory in the early hours of the morning) so it should be 'Now I KNOW the norm when...' - which could still probably be clearer, you're right. It refers to an attempt to 'fit in' by the character.

 

The latter is an example of indulgence in trivial wordplay; I'm not sure what it was about them you disliked. Maybe you didn't care for the run on nature of the lines and/or the obscurity of it.

 

I dread there's something dead about my (head)

Head to my hive

Be busy as a bee, but honey

 

I could potentially change hive to 'hide' which makes sense in old English. I could also try 'roam where I reside' but would compromise the rhythm/run on gimmick. I could then just change it to 'head to my home', maintaining the alliteration but ruining the rhyme scheme. Changing it would also make the puns about bees a little less distinct.

 

Would you be able to elaborate on what it is you don't care for?

[oldgitplayer]

 

I'm not sure what it was about them you disliked. Would you be able to elaborate on what it is you don't care for?

 

 

I didn't say anything about disliking the lines - I just said I didn't understand the lines I cited.

They are words on paper that convey neither mood nor meaning. I just thought you might like to reconsider them.

So I'm afraid there's nothing to elaborate.

[LordBTY]

I didn't say anything about disliking the lines - I just said I didn't understand the lines I cited. They are words on paper that convey neither mood nor meaning. I just thought you might like to reconsider them. So I'm afraid there's nothing to elaborate.

 

Ok, thank you very much - I hadn't quite got what you were saying.

[Oswlek]

Sounds great. I'm not much a fan of the dangling words at the end of each verse intial line, but something tells me that it is sung to sound more like a single line.

 

I agree with OGT that some lines are difficult to interpret, but the overall theme of the song is clear enough.

[Lee Knight]

I like a lot of it. There's a cool rhythmic drive to the lyric. But... I think there's more to do on this to make it an outstanding lyric. There are phrases that aren't really English language phrases. They aren't words that people would speak normally. For me, that is the main issue of this lyric.

[LordBTY]

 

I like a lot of it. There's a cool rhythmic drive to the lyric. But... I think there's more to do on this to make it an outstanding lyric. There are phrases that aren't really English language phrases. They aren't words that people would speak normally. For me, that is the main issue of this lyric.

 

 

I kinda see what you mean - they all make sense to me, but I suppose that's because I know exactly what I was on about. I assured myself that Kurt Cobain got away with being obscure, so I can get away with it. I'll probably try think of a way to clarify the context - maybe in the rapping middle eight or in a quick spoken intro (atm the intro is just half a bar of Rhodes playing a slice of the chorus.)

 

See, most of my lyrical background was developed when I was an outright hip hop nerd - if you go to certain rapping forums you'll find that, for the most part, technical obscurity is emphasized over context. This was when I was 14 writing things like:

 

Maybe I'm a madman, sleeping by the sandman

Why stand by while they're lion/lying like they're Aslan

Lambs were in borders and forming order

but formed no thoughts heading for the slaughter.

They fought in the wars so they find the best

so the pawns only fall and they die like chess.

So we wreck this sect dissect the spectacle.

Don't be a d*** like you're next to testicles.

 

and people would aspire to (explicit lyrics):

 

yQD34IW6eRw

 

RKg4isEZ0jE

 

You get the idea - that attitude to lyricism is something that's been drilled into me. Now I'm trying to balance myself out with context/ hookiness. But that nerdiness is still there.

 

Example from a recent song:

 

Baby bye bye,

I'm puzzled by pi,

'cause three's a crowd,

one for one.

Now, give me a high five.

 

 

Thanks for your input. I'll try make it all a bit clear; though, the melody is quite strong and I'm reluctant to fiddle with the rhythm at all.

[Lee Knight]

Yeah! That ^ stuff, though not making sense in the traditional manner, totally works. It isn't really a story, it's an attitude and word play that is borderline to outright nonsensical. And its cool. But then you've got Eminem making total sense. And that's a challenge. Take this:

 

Dunno what to do or

who is gonna cure

these voices in my head now.

 

Rotting in a room for

I must now ignore

these voices in my head.

 

That 1st stanza, those 1st 3 lines, are awesome. But then, the "for" at the end of the 1st line 2nd stanza. ??? I hear it, it has a hip hop rhythmic sense. I picked up on that. But now that we are to be relating in a different way to this character, the nonsensical wordplay doesn't fly as high. It feels a little put on. The "or" in the first line is awesome. And you realy want a rhyme for it in the next spot. But... "for"? I'm thinking this is ye olde english? Therefore? Fore? Ye Olde Hip Hop? Doesn't seem right.

 

Dunno what to do

who is gonna cure

these voices in my head now.

(head now)

 

Rotting in a room

I must now ignore

these voices in my head.

 

So, if I pull off the last words of each stanza beginning, it's starting to work. But... you've got, "I must now ignore". That's something that maybe Data would say in Star Trek Next Gen. It's not real. For this type of stuff you're going for now, I'd set the bottomline at conversational reality. Then... look for opportunities to dish out some cool word play. Base it in real speech and you'll kill. It can be cool patter, the kind that teh best rhymer would use, but it still has to be real speech. The syntax is getting upsidedown.

 

One man's opinion.

[Lee Knight]

Dunno what to do or

Who is gonna cure

These voices in my head now

 

Rotting on the cold floor

Trying to ignore

These voices in my head now

[LordBTY]

 

Dunno what to do or Who is gonna cure These voices in my head now Rotting on the cold floor Trying to ignore These voices in my head now

 

 

You're right - that's much better... I'm not going to use those words exactly but I see where you are.

[Lee Knight]

Use or don't use whatever you want. Thanks for hearing me, man. You're cool.

[LordBTY]

Use or don't use whatever you want. Thanks for hearing me, man. You're cool.

 

I wouldn't feel right if someone else wrote them for me - but thanks very much

 

I've updated them to give them a slightly more conversational quality. Though, the 'head to my hive' thing I'm adamant on keeping.

[LCK]

When do we get to hear it?

 

LCK

[LordBTY]

Well, I keep stepping back at it and questioning how professional it sounds (I'm good at beat production so more than capable to get a good sound.) At the moment, it's theatrical alternative electropop with harp sounds, strings, rhodes, warped basslines 4x4, gritty synths etc. I've just done some work on it and it's really coming along.

 

I'm also constantly rerecording my vox as I'm not entirely confident on how good I sound. So it's basically going to be after I record my vox, comp the recording, mix it all, master it etc. Might be a while, don't wait up ;p

[LCK]

 

Might be a while, don't wait up ;p

 

 

Well, it's an interesting lyric. I'd like to hear how it sounds with music.

 

LCK

[oldgitplayer]

 

I'm also constantly rerecording my vox as I'm not entirely confident on how good I sound. So it's basically going to be after I record my vox, comp the recording, mix it all, master it etc. Might be a while, don't wait up ;p

 

 

This is very much a 'Works-in-progress' type of forum, so you may benefit from posting it sooner than later.

There's some pretty good input to be had if you want it.

 

We all suffer from 'Songwriter's Voice' (to quote blue2blue) otherwise we would be tied up on world concert tours instead of hanging about on a forum.

[Oswlek]

 

I dunno that I'm quite sure if I can ignore

 

 

This has a more direct statement than the prior version, but it still isn't conversational and comes off (in print, anyway) like a message that gets the Frankenstein treatment in order to fit in a rhyme. How about something like:

 

 

Feeling tired and unsure If I can I ignore

 

 

or

 

 

Feeling tired and unsure How I can ignore

 

 

or a question

 

 

Feeling tired and unsure How can I ignore

 

 

 

This is very much a 'Works-in-progress' type of forum, so you may benefit from posting it sooner than later.

 

 

Absolutely. That is why my first posts are always {censored}ty demos recorded with a camera. No reason to spend hours getting a mix acceptable only to change it when I get some great advice. Uncomfortable, but much more productive.

[LordBTY]

Thing is, the melody is strong but kinda tricky - the overlaying vocal and speed sort of requires me to have a fairly decent recording. I may have to record an under rehearsed version and put melodyne to it or something ;P

 

I'll probably hook you guys up with a rough version - maybe fiddle with the lyrics some more as well.

 

Thanks for your input

[LordBTY]

I've since more or less finished this song - if anyone could give me any feedback, that'd be awesome

[rsadasiv]

This is a song I'm pretty happy with, originally an electronic ballad, I made it slightly 'peppier' and uptempo to give it more of a 'jump around' vibe. It's about mental illness, intended as a conversation with a person's imaginary friend - either works. Verse 1 I dunno what to do or who is gonna cure these voices in my head now. (head now) Tell me, are you quite sure that I should ignore these voices in my head? Border up my bed then fight my funny friends. I don't feel so alone now. (lone now) I never knew the norm when trying to pretend I don't feel so alone. Chorus Stay in the day for everything's confusing and I need you at night for dreams are dim and daunting Stay by my side Stay by my side Stay my side I dread there's something dead about my head Stay by my side, I dread you'd choose a sedative instead. Verse 2 I dunno what to do or if you'll ever cure these voices in my head now. (head now) Maybe it's a lost war trying to ignore these voices in my head. It' awesome you appeared, though now I really know I don't feel so alone now. (lone now) I'm looking through a window will you make it so I don't feel so alone? (Chorus) Sing to the siren slumb, wonder which world will I conjure? Want to hurple through the purple place, a place where perfect people take their tiny minds and take their time to face their minds then rise. I quite like mine - my mind I own. I left my death then left alone. I need your care. I see you there. Where were you? Were you aware that roped in a robot mode I moped how perfect people push to pair? I craft and master life and lines and cleverly don't care. I dig for danger left to lose my life which I would share. (Chorus Variation) Head to my hive be busy as a bee but honey, don't ever die. If lover you are lonely, Stay by my side Stay by my side Stay by my side I dread you'd choose a sedative instead.

 

That's pretty demented - which is good. The "cha cha cha"'s crack me up.

[Lee Knight]

Wow! That chorus kills. Hard tuning in Melodyne? It's very cool. And the string sound just after with the slower attack? It almost sounds derived from the vocal as well. Man... Wow.

[Oswlek]

This really isn't my bag, but I think you did it well. The chorus is very hooky and there are plenty of bells and whistles to maintain attention. I think there is a little too much high frequency at times, but otherwise it is very well done, especially that final chorus.

[LCK]

I really like what you did with it, vocally and instrumentally.

 

The slightly manic, kind of twisted nature of the music fits the lyric perfectly.

 

LCK

[LordBTY]

Thanks guys! I'm happy people approve

 

The only thing I didn't like was my choice of chord voicing at the harp just before the chorus/prechorus bit - it sounds weird and interesting atm but it doesn't feel like it leads into the chorus (it goes from a Bsus2 to a Bm but almost feels as though the chorus comes out of nowhere. It's very reassuring to know that it's catchy and has people's attention. I may also copy/paste a return to the original prechorus/chorusbassdropthingy in between the middle eight and the final chorus variations - just for convention's sake.

 

I got that effect on the chorus to distinguish between the voices. It wasn't actually enough to just hard tune in melodyne , I also had to go nuts with the formant adjustment. The rapping, however, was a result of Waves UltraPitchShift which is done in real time - hence why it has a slightly different sound.