Members Sensible_Heart Posted May 29, 2012 Members Share Posted May 29, 2012 Hey all, My name is Josh Logan and I'm a 26 year old wanna-be songwriter from Bendigo, Victoria, Australia. This is the fourth song I've ever written. This one is about an ex-girlfriend I ran into recently. Any and all suggestions would be welcome. Bare in mind that although it has a slightly unusual rhyme scheme/structure in the verse, it fits perfectly with the melody I have. Here goes nothing... Raindrop on the Glass Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted May 29, 2012 Moderators Share Posted May 29, 2012 How you doing! The idea of the forum here is to open our works in progress up for input. That can catch some people off guard if they're not ready for it. Are you asking for input? I've got some if you're interested. I like what you have but have a couple of ideas you may want to consider... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sensible_Heart Posted May 29, 2012 Author Members Share Posted May 29, 2012 Hi! I'm doing pretty well thanks lee, and yes, any input would be most welcome! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RickDieffenbach Posted May 29, 2012 Members Share Posted May 29, 2012 Hi Sensible, Can you post some music and vocals for this? It can be very rough, out of tune or whatever. Rick Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted May 29, 2012 Moderators Share Posted May 29, 2012 (V1) It's been long enough that I can face the truth You never really felt the way I did when I first laid my eyes on you stood there like a picture of an Angel dressed in green with eyes of blue I never really had a chance with you (^^^ that's good! ^^^) (Chorus) And it took a while to see You're not really meant for me (I'm not crazy about ^ this line. I think this spot is kind of a power spot. It needs a fresher way to say the same thing. "But I'm sure we both agree" or something. Something that changes up the listener's expectation) And it wasn't meant to last Like a raindrop on the glass (I like that a lot^) (V2) some months have passed since you told me you were done it rained the day you told me (these 2 lines feel awkward with the redundant "told me". I'd tighten it up) now the clouds have gone and I'm standing in the sun okay, my life's not perfect but the spell you cast has fin'ly been undone (cliche alert. Spell you cast?) a fragile heart is better than a broken one (I like this ^^^ a lot) that's all I got. some cool ideas you've got going there. Looking forward to hearing it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sensible_Heart Posted May 30, 2012 Author Members Share Posted May 30, 2012 Hi Sensible, Can you post some music and vocals for this? It can be very rough, out of tune or whatever. Rick Hi Rick, I'll record a quick demo in a couple of hours when I have the house to myself, and with my singing voice it will probably be rough, out of tune AND whatever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sensible_Heart Posted May 30, 2012 Author Members Share Posted May 30, 2012 (V1) It's been long enough that I can face the truth You never really felt the way I did when I first laid my eyes on you stood there like a picture of an Angel dressed in green with eyes of blue I never really had a chance with you (^^^ that's good! ^^^) (Chorus) And it took a while to see You're not really meant for me (I'm not crazy about ^ this line. I think this spot is kind of a power spot. It needs a fresher way to say the same thing. "But I'm sure we both agree" or something. Something that changes up the listener's expectation) And it wasn't meant to last Like a raindrop on the glass (I like that a lot^) (V2) some months have passed since you told me you were done it rained the day you told me (these 2 lines feel awkward with the redundant "told me". I'd tighten it up) now the clouds have gone and I'm standing in the sun okay, my life's not perfect but the spell you cast has fin'ly been undone (cliche alert. Spell you cast?) a fragile heart is better than a broken one (I like this ^^^ a lot) that's all I got. some cool ideas you've got going there. Looking forward to hearing it. Thanks heaps for the feedback, Lee. I'm glad you like it. I'm reluctant to change the chorus as I've tried a few variations and nothing else really fits with the melody. I totally agree with you about the second verse though, I thought perhaps instead: I've been through seasons in my life since you told me we were done it rained the day you told me now the clouds have gone and I'm standing in the sun okay, it's never perfect but the story of my life has just begun a fragile heart is better than a broken one Starting the third verse now, will post when I'm done. I left the redundant 'told me' in, I've couldn't think of anything else that fits, and I kind of like it with the melody. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted May 30, 2012 Members Share Posted May 30, 2012 Yeh this is cool... would like to hear a rough demo too. how about And it took a while to seeThat you're not the one for meNo it wasn't meant to lastLike a raindrop on a glass Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sensible_Heart Posted May 30, 2012 Author Members Share Posted May 30, 2012 Thanks for your feedback, stickboy. As you and others requested, I've done a very rough demo. I still haven't got around to writing a third verse, but watch this space! Any further suggestions welcome. Fragile Heart Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RickDieffenbach Posted May 30, 2012 Members Share Posted May 30, 2012 Sensible, 1. Beautiful chording introduction. 2. BEAUTIFUL melody in the verse. You had me on the 1st line. When you record this for real, add harmonies or at least a 2nd voice for one kick butt song. 3. The chorus is ok... does the job... but I was set up with such a strong verse melody that I really expected something a bit more intense, emotional, from the chorus. What i am hearing in the chorus melody is a downward note at the end of the line. I'm thinking something with a slight more tension. Maybe. Again, not bad, but not at the verse level in how compelling it is. Liken this much. More more more. Rick Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted May 30, 2012 Moderators Share Posted May 30, 2012 Very nice. You might consider adding a few bars and building chords before the last line in your chorus. And it took a while to seeYou're not really meant for meAnd it wasn't meant to last... ...like a raindrop on the glass Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted May 30, 2012 Members Share Posted May 30, 2012 Agree with Rick that the verses are exquisitely beautiful. After hearing the demo, I'm more convinced then ever that these lines need an upgrade: You never really felt the wayI did when I first laid my eyes on you You're not really meant for me There is nothing phrasing and melody wise that makes me feel like those lines need to stay. I also think you might want to rethink this one: now the clouds have gone and I'm standing in the sun Everything in this song feels like it is getting better but not quite there yet, except this line. How about something like: now the clouds are breaking and I'm waiting on the sun I think that line portrays the message a little better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sensible_Heart Posted May 30, 2012 Author Members Share Posted May 30, 2012 Sensible, 1. Beautiful chording introduction. 2. BEAUTIFUL melody in the verse. You had me on the 1st line. When you record this for real, add harmonies or at least a 2nd voice for one kick butt song. 3. The chorus is ok... does the job... but I was set up with such a strong verse melody that I really expected something a bit more intense, emotional, from the chorus. What i am hearing in the chorus melody is a downward note at the end of the line. I'm thinking something with a slight more tension. Maybe. Again, not bad, but not at the verse level in how compelling it is. Liken this much. More more more. Rick Thanks so much for your kind words! I couldn't agree with you more about the chorus... in fact I've already made a few attempts at rewriting it (melody and lyrics) but can't seem to crack it. Will try again in the morning. Thanks again, your encouragement has spurred me on Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sensible_Heart Posted May 30, 2012 Author Members Share Posted May 30, 2012 Very nice. You might consider adding a few bars and building chords before the last line in your chorus. And it took a while to see You're not really meant for me And it wasn't meant to last... ...like a raindrop on the glass Ooh I like this idea. Will try to work it in to the new chorus! Thanks Lee Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted May 30, 2012 Members Share Posted May 30, 2012 I have nothing to add to what the others have said. It's coming along very nicely. You should be proud of it! LCK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sensible_Heart Posted May 30, 2012 Author Members Share Posted May 30, 2012 Agree with Rick that the verses are exquisitely beautiful. After hearing the demo, I'm more convinced then ever that these lines need an upgrade: There is nothing phrasing and melody wise that makes me feel like those lines need to stay. I also think you might want to rethink this one: Everything in this song feels like it is getting better but not quite there yet, except this line. How about something like: I think that line portrays the message a little better. Hi Oswlek, I'm glad you like the verse melody! As it happens, I agree with everything you said and am implementing your suggestions. Thanks so much for your help! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sensible_Heart Posted May 30, 2012 Author Members Share Posted May 30, 2012 I have nothing to add to what the others have said. It's coming along very nicely. You should be proud of it! LCK Thanks LCK! I'll stop and congratulate myself when it's done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted May 30, 2012 Members Share Posted May 30, 2012 Verses are great. I'd rework the first two lines of the chorus. You could play off of "laid my eyes on you" Pick up my eyes, take them backDoesn't matter what we had It wasn't meant to lastLike a raindrop on the glass Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Marshal Posted May 31, 2012 Members Share Posted May 31, 2012 Haven't read everybody's comments, but there's a lot of great stuff happening here. You opening line is wonderful juicy. BAM. That comes across great. I'm immediately in there with you. the rest of the first verse works nice too. The chorus works well. Nice hooky phrase about the raindrop on glass. The second verse sounds more like your third verse. You're already over her. You're moving on. The true second verse ought to spell out some specifics about the relationship. Probably bring out a turning point in the story. Then you're ready to say you've moved on in the third verse (but you'll always carry a piece of the ache with you forever). No lesson is learned without some lingering pain. I'm reminded of a phrase from the TV show, Mad Men. In it Donald Draper is talking about looking back at old photo slides. Then he says the term, nostalgia, comes from Italian, where it translates; the wound that never heals. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sensible_Heart Posted May 31, 2012 Author Members Share Posted May 31, 2012 Haven't read everybody's comments, but there's a lot of great stuff happening here. You opening line is wonderful juicy. BAM. That comes across great. I'm immediately in there with you. the rest of the first verse works nice too. The chorus works well. Nice hooky phrase about the raindrop on glass. The second verse sounds more like your third verse. You're already over her. You're moving on. The true second verse ought to spell out some specifics about the relationship. Probably bring out a turning point in the story. Then you're ready to say you've moved on in the third verse (but you'll always carry a piece of the ache with you forever). No lesson is learned without some lingering pain. I'm reminded of a phrase from the TV show, Mad Men. In it Donald Draper is talking about looking back at old photo slides. Then he says the term, nostalgia, comes from Italian, where it translates; the wound that never heals. Thanks for taking the time to read what I have, Marshal. And wow! You're so right about the how the song's structure. I can't believe I didn't see it myself! I hope I've conveyed the fact that she left a lasting mark with the fragile heart line. So now I've got to put aside the new idea I came up with in the shower this morning, and get on with writing a new chorus, and a second verse! Thanks again to everyone for all your help, you're taking my song to the next level! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members grace_slick Posted May 31, 2012 Members Share Posted May 31, 2012 Hey man! Haven't had a chance to comment on your song yet, but wanted to say welcome to a fellow Victorian! I'm from Melbourne originally...never got up to Bendigo, sadly, before I moved away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sensible_Heart Posted May 31, 2012 Author Members Share Posted May 31, 2012 Hey man! Haven't had a chance to comment on your song yet, but wanted to say welcome to a fellow Victorian! I'm from Melbourne originally...never got up to Bendigo, sadly, before I moved away. Thanks grace, it's good to be here! Melbourne huh? Which part? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted May 31, 2012 Members Share Posted May 31, 2012 That first verse is excellent and it's the way you deliver it that makes it work so well......running the lines into each other like that. I think you're going to have yourself a real keeper after you work this one over for a while. The chorus is actually very strong. That's a seriously good hook....a wonderful ethereal image. But as has been mentioned the whole chorus needs to have more impact to really sell the angst of the song. And it took a while to see That you're not the one for me No it wasn't meant to last Like a raindrop on a glass I really like these subtle changes a lot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sensible_Heart Posted May 31, 2012 Author Members Share Posted May 31, 2012 Thanks Leonard, your suggestions were a big help! I've taken every one's suggestions and done a rough first draft of the lyrics for the song. I'm still working on an alternate chorus, but for now I've instituted the changes suggested and written a new second verse and Interlude, both of which were written rather quickly, so any suggestion about those in particular would be much appreciated. New demo coming soon! Fragile Heart Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sensible_Heart Posted June 1, 2012 Author Members Share Posted June 1, 2012 Here's a complete (though very rough) demo, with a revised chorus melody and lyrics as above: Fragile Heart I still haven't worked out the last chorus, as you can hear. It's getting there though, I think. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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