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"Raindrop on the glass"


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I'm as guilty as the anyone else of songs sticking around too long, but I think you need to trim some of the fat off this. The song felt like it said everything it had to say at the end of the 2nd chorus, let alone another B/V and a doubled chorus at the end. Perhaps cutting the final 2:30 minutes is a bit much for you, but there definitely is no need to double up the last chorus.

 

Personally, what I might consider is cutting the bridge by 75%, to two lines - just long enough to to toss the listener a fresh bone but not so long that you wonder when it will end. Then close up shop at the end of V3 on "a fragile heart is better than a broken one", which is a great line and pretty much sums up the entire song. Don't go into the final chorus. If you want there to be something after that final line, pause for a second and then restart the guitar playing the verse progression along with a very tame lead melody playing on top. I'm hearing piano. Play into a fade.

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I'm as guilty as the anyone else of songs sticking around too long, but I think you need to trim some of the fat off this. The song felt like it said everything it had to say at the end of the 2nd chorus, let alone another B/V and a
doubled
chorus at the end. Perhaps cutting the final 2:30 minutes is a bit much for you, but there definitely is no need to double up the last chorus.


Personally, what I might consider is cutting the bridge by 75%, to two lines - just long enough to to toss the listener a fresh bone but not so long that you wonder when it will end. Then close up shop at the end of V3 on "a fragile heart is better than a broken one", which is a great line and pretty much sums up the entire song. Don't go into the final chorus. If you want there to be
something
after that final line, pause for a second and then restart the guitar playing the verse progression along with a very tame lead melody playing on top. I'm hearing piano. Play into a fade.

 

 

I agree, sort of.

 

I think the chorus needs to be less drawn out. You've got a lot of strumming going on between the singing parts. It just feels to me like you could tighten that up a lot.

 

Also, in the second verse you repeat the word "ways."

 

Maybe...

 

But I never thought I'd be standing in the rain

As I watched you leaving on that plane

 

Then...

 

I've been through seasons in my life like anyone

seems like all I've known is rain

 

LCK

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Thanks oswlek, you couldn't have been more right about 'trimming the fat'. :thu:

Big thanks to you also, LCK. You were spot on about the second verse. I used your alternate line in the third verse also, but read the old lyric by accident when recording the final demo. Also, oswlek was right, I plan on having a lead part fill in the chorus.

 

I think this one's done. (until I do a proper recording) I've lost track of the hours i've put into it... I'm quite proud of my fourth song!

 

Fragile Heart

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Here's my two cents of honesty, apparently representing a very different point of view than others have. I don't think the metaphor of "a raindrop on the glass" is cool, interesting or even effective. For me, it's conspicuously contrived flowery b.s., fairly vacuous and and almost silly, and it detracts from the rest of your well-written lyrics that seem much more genuine.

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I'm quite proud of my fourth song!

 

 

As well you should be, this is way better than what I was writing at that point in my development.

 

I still think there are a few things to clean up for when you put together a final.

 

1) Words like there/that/but/and/this/those/which/like aren't as necessary in song as they are in speech, and you still have a number of them.

 

 

But I never thought
that
I'd be standing in the rain

 

 

Not one ever understood me
like
the way you do

 

 

seems
like
all I've known is rainy days

 

 

I can't really see a compelling reason to keep any of the bolded above.

 

2) There is a disconnect in these couplets:

 

 

And the first time that you smiled and called me babe

I thought it sounded cheesy

But I never thought that I'd be standing in the rain

As I watched you leaving on that plane

 

 

It should say something to the effect of "I know it sounded cheesey, but I loved it anyway". Right now the but is out of place because there isn't much contrast between lines 2 and 3.

 

3) I still think the bridge is too long. It is a cool little change initialy, but then it drags both melodically and lyrically. You could easily get away with using just the first two lines and cutting all of this off:

 

 

And though there

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4) If you disregard everything else, listen to this one. If you are going to end the song the way you do now, you need to double that final line. It ends too abruptly. I think you should probably double it even if you plan on adding a brief coda afterward. Trust me, double that final line. Double it. Am I being clear?
;)

 

SIR YES SIR :p jk, I totally agree and am happy with the melodic twist I came up with for the final repitition. :)

 

Thanks so much!!

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Here's my two cents of honesty, apparently representing a very different point of view than others have. I don't think the metaphor of "a raindrop on the glass" is cool, interesting or even effective. For me, it's conspicuously contrived flowery b.s., fairly vacuous and and almost silly, and it detracts from the rest of your well-written lyrics that seem much more genuine.

 

Thanks for your honesty, but I'm keeping it. :)

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Thanks for your honesty, but I'm keeping it.
:)

 

Good for you. You know a good hook when you hear it. In fact, you might even consider changing the title to "Raindrop on the Glass." (No offense, HoboSage, I just disagree with you on this one. :))

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Good for you. You know a good hook when you hear it. In fact, you might even consider changing the title to "Raindrop on the Glass." (No offense, HoboSage, I just disagree with you on this one.
:)
)

 

This is the fourth song you've written. Writing lyrics is more than about coming about with "hooks" you think "sound cool." It's about writing things that makes sense - at least good songwriting is. " I challenged you to defend your use of "like a raindrop on the glass" - your chorus "hook" that you and some others are so enamored with. I was hoping to get you to think critically about it. I was hoping for a reply that indicated that you had thought the line through and had good reasons for it's use - that it really meant something to you. But, alas . . .. Like a raindrop on the glass" does sound cool, and could be a great, effective and meaningful hook. But, you don't build this song around it - you don't make it work. You just throw it in the lyrical mix. Anyway, before I cut you loose, I'll leave you with some more food for thought on the subject.

 

This is your chorus:

 

And it took a while to see

That you

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Does this analogy only apply to one particular raindrop on one particular glass, or more generally as raindrops on glass? In essence, what the hell are you talking about, and why should I think of this "hook" in this context as anything other than contrived nonsense? Shouldn't a songwriter have at least passing interest in ensuring that what they present as "the hook" for the chorus of a song is something more than just a phrase that sounds cool, but is one that actually has meaning and importance in context?


Peace

 

Whoa! Relax, dude. You're entitled to your opinion and I'm entitled to mine. I think it works, you don't. Let's agree to disagree. :)

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I disagreed with Dave initially, but now I think he has a point. You could play into the analogy with something like:

 

 

?????????

As you shimmered quickly past

You left your mark on me

Like a raindrop on the glass

 

 

Perhaps not that exactly, but if you could use the first three lines to build the comparison in a way that makes sense to the listener but doesn't quite complete the analogy, hitting them with it might make that last line more impactful.

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So, without any setup at all, "like a raindrop on the glass" has to be understandable as analogous to "you're not the one for me," and "it wasn't meant to last."

 

 

It doesn't have to be analogous to both. In fact it doesn't have to be analogous to either. It simply has to work on an emotional level. And, in fact, there actually is a clear analogy to the idea that love, at least in this case, was about as lasting as a raindrop on a windowpane. I think that's pretty cool.

 

Let it go, man.

 

Look, you're new here. There's an unwritten rule about not browbeating one another. Making a passionate case for your point of view is one thing. But being hypercritical and aggressive is another.

 

Relax. It's just a song. And it's his song. I'm probably one of the most persistent voices for lyric clarity on this website, and I think that line is quite nice. It's not the best line ever written, but it may be the best line in this particular song.

 

As you write in one of your well-crafted songs, "You don't have all the answers."

 

LCK

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I'm quite relaxed, dude. LOL. I gave you reasons for my opinion criticizing the lyric. After my repeated invitation to you to do so, in what has obviously been a futile attempt to encourage you to think more critically and objectively about the lyric, you still express no reasons for your expressed opinion supporting the lyric - the hallmark of a lyric that 's merely contrived.

 

I won't waste my time or yours again, young songwriter dude. :)

 

Peace

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LCK?? You're reading things into my comments that just aren't there. I haven't beaten anyone's brow or been "aggressive." I've tried to engage a young songwriter with my cirtitcal opinions - opinions for which I have reasons to hold. If you can't grasp the difference between that and brow beating, then I suggest that's an issue with you.

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the hallmark of a lyric that 's merely contrived.


I won't waste my time or yours again, young songwriter dude.
:)

Peace

 

Hey, man, I could find contrivances of one kind or another in most of your song lyrics. Hell, even the greatest lyrics of all time are built on contrivances of one kind or another.

 

It seems to me that you really do need to relax. Either that or apply some of this energy to improving your own songs (which, by the way, I think are really good, lyrically, but could still use some work).

 

LCK

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We're talking about the title and the chorus hook - arguably, the most important line in this song, and the only reason why I bothered to comment at all. As I indicated, I think this hook could be a good one if it's set up to work, but it's not. That's my opinion, and I have reasons for it, and I expressed it, just like I would do so again in a similar situation. If Bob Dylan posted a song lyric here with the hook of "the answer my friend is blowin' in the wind," I'd be critical of his thinking too if the hook wasn't set up with any questions being asked. If I have a comment to make that I think is a valid one, I'm not going to bite my tongue just to appease someone else and avoid them finding personal fault with me or my work. So, if that mindset violates some unwritten rule here, then they better boot me off now! :)

 

I'm now done participating in this discussion. But, until I'm banished, I will be heard from again in this forum! :)

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I'm now done participating in this discussion. But, until I'm banished, I
will
be heard from again in this forum!

 

 

Fine. Just try to relax a little next time, that's all I'm saying.

 

LCK

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