Help with new idea

[Mahuska]

I wrote 3 different chord progressions (verse, chorus ,Bridge) and asked a friend if he was game for a collab. We wrote songs together many years ago and he is game.This clip is the first verse and chorus. Now I just sent him this and my thoughts are that the first verse may not cut it or get the message going. but I do like the chorus. Now I will listen to his input but thought I would ask here if anyone thinks I have a decent enough idea to pursue anyway

 

I've been told that you sold out

yes you have become.

A person with conflicting dealings

your actions answer nothing

 

What is the problem, you can't seem to solve?

Man I tell ya you know you've got friends

that carry such resolve

 

SC

http://soundcloud.com/mahuska/april-acoustic-vox-1

 

The theme I came up with is dealing with a friend that is going thru stuff and acting

differently and what can I do? etc.

You guys are great any input is really appreciated

[RickDieffenbach]

Pretty short snippet but it gets the idea across.

 

1. I do like the idea for the song, the scenario you came up with.

 

2. Verse 1:

I've been told that you sold out

yes you have become.

A person with conflicting dealings

your actions answer nothing

 

On the 2nd listen I "got" the connection between line 2 and 3, but I feel the musical pause at the end of the line sets up an expectation that these are independent lines. I like the pause so I am suggestion those 2 lines not be so connected lyically.

 

3. Not getting the rhyming scheme in the verse. If its become > nothing... I think they are not close enough

 

4. Love the line "What is the problem, you can't seem to solve?". I know this is a song snippet, but if it were me, I'd take that chorus and place it up front (hope the music police don't get me...). I mean that line is so strong and is so definate, that it would set up the rest of the lyrics quite nicely. Otherwise, you'll be backing into the scenario. Not a bad thing but since the line is so strong and perfect in so many ways, I'd use it top grab attention up front. Also, its a universal line, in that EVERYONE has problems, so if that came out first, the listener might think... ah.. they are singing about me.. maybe this song can help me.

 

Just my 2 cents... probably not worth a penny.

 

Rick

[LordBTY]

It's really good so far. There's not much there so far, so it's hard to critique.

 

However, I'll say that the meaning seems a bit ambiguous and I don't feel the opening line has a enough 'weight'

 

Maybe if you were to emphasize it somehow for a memorable entrance, that could be cool.

 

Actually... maybe it's just me but the lyrics don't really 'speak' anything - as I said, the meaning is ambiguous.

 

Maybe a chorus could explain it well - you'd need to summarize the meaning in the song well.

 

Also:

 

"Man I tell ya you know you've got friends

that carry such resolve"

 

^ the metre and flow sounds nice, but this 'carry such resolve' just feels unnatural to me.

 

Suggestion:

 

"What is the problem you can't seem to solve?

Man I tell ya you've got friends; we're there and we'll resolve"

 

^ not perfect, but it's not my song

 

Summary:

 

For the style, a conversational style lyric would be better. I think you should attempt to clarify the meaning as well.

 

Some lines could be made to be more memorable via musical emphasis/ more 'distinctive' phrases.

[Mahuska]

 

Pretty short snippet but it gets the idea across. 1. I do like the idea for the song, the scenario you came up with. 2. Verse 1: I've been told that you sold out yes you have become. A person with conflicting dealings your actions answer nothing On the 2nd listen I "got" the connection between line 2 and 3, but I feel the musical pause at the end of the line sets up an expectation that these are independent lines. I like the pause so I am suggestion those 2 lines not be so connected lyically. 3. Not getting the rhyming scheme in the verse. If its become > nothing... I think they are not close enough 4. Love the line "What is the problem, you can't seem to solve?". I know this is a song snippet, but if it were me, I'd take that chorus and place it up front (hope the music police don't get me...). I mean that line is so strong and is so definate, that it would set up the rest of the lyrics quite nicely. Otherwise, you'll be backing into the scenario. Not a bad thing but since the line is so strong and perfect in so many ways, I'd use it top grab attention up front. Also, its a universal line, in that EVERYONE has problems, so if that came out first, the listener might think... ah.. they are singing about me.. maybe this song can help me. Just my 2 cents... probably not worth a penny. Rick

 

Hey I will take all the help I can get. Right before I hit record, I jotted these lyrics down and really didn't have a theme until I started writing. I was more interested in seeing if my Vox melody would work with

these two riffs. I will see what my bud says, but it is always wise to get initial feedback here as well. I am totally open to any ideas and can do a total re-write of the lyrics so far. I just needed to get jump-started.

I still have a bridge riff and I will share along the way what becomes of this basic idea. Thanks for your comments

[Mahuska]

It's really good so far. There's not much there so far, so it's hard to critique. However, I'll say that the meaning seems a bit ambiguous and I don't feel the opening line has a enough 'weight' Maybe if you were to emphasize it somehow for a memorable entrance, that could be cool. Actually... maybe it's just me but the lyrics don't really 'speak' anything - as I said, the meaning is ambiguous. Maybe a chorus could explain it well - you'd need to summarize the meaning in the song well. Also: "Man I tell ya you know you've got friends that carry such resolve" ^ the metre and flow sounds nice, but this 'carry such resolve' just feels unnatural to me. Suggestion: "What is the problem you can't seem to solve? Man I tell ya you've got friends; we're there and we'll resolve" ^ not perfect, but it's not my song Summary: For the style, a conversational style lyric would be better. I think you should attempt to clarify the meaning as well. Some lines could be made to be more memorable via musical emphasis/ more 'distinctive' phrases.

 

I am with you on the first verse being very weak and like I said above, I am just trying to get this idea going so I can see what my Bro can do with it. I was just singing nonsense words

trying to get a feel for how the Vox melody may go. I was afraid that there wasn't enough difference between the verse and chorus chord progression wise(even though played so differently)

Zero attachment to the lyrics and this one is so much in the infancy stage. It would be so much easier if I had a fellow Songwriter right there as we progress but unfortunately logistics makes

it difficult. I think this possible tune would be comfortable for both our vocal ranges and we do some good harmonies as well

I like your suggestions and may still try to pursue this theme further. Thanks so much for taking the time to listen and offer your advise. I am truly listening

[Lee Knight]

 

I wrote 3 different chord progressions (verse, chorus ,Bridge) and asked a friend if he was game for a collab. We wrote songs together many years ago and he is game.This clip is the first verse and chorus. Now I just sent him this and my thoughts are that the first verse may not cut it or get the message going. but I do like the chorus. Now I will listen to his input but thought I would ask here if anyone thinks I have a decent enough idea to pursue anyway I've been told that you sold out yes you have become. A person with conflicting dealings your actions answer nothing What is the problem, you can't seem to solve? Man I tell ya you know you've got friends that carry such resolve SC http://soundcloud.com/mahuska/april-acoustic-vox-1 The theme I came up with is dealing with a friend that is going thru stuff and acting differently and what can I do? etc. You guys are great any input is really appreciated

 

 

I like a lot of this. One issue I'm feeling is that you're not coming out and saying what's on your mind.

 

The theme I came up with is dealing with a friend that is going thru stuff and acting

differently and what can I do? etc.

 

"Going through stuff" and "selling out" and "acting differently". These are all 3, very interesting topics and personally, I want to know what you're talking about. So... I think you need to take a a few minutes and decide for yourself what the story is.

 

Friend sells out, makes big money, abandons ideals and is now a prick.

 

^ Is that it? ^ No? Figure out what it is first and maybe jot down what the kernal of idea is. Then go there.

 

I can see you've sold out

I can see what you've become

You used to talk 'bout ideals

Didn't you used to have some?

 

What is the problem, you can't seem to fix?

Why trade in your heart and soul

Then lose your dignity in the mix

All for a bag of dirty tricks

[Mahuska]

 

I like a lot of this. One issue I'm feeling is that you're not coming out and saying what's on your mind. The theme I came up with is dealing with a friend that is going thru stuff and acting differently and what can I do? etc. "Going through stuff" and "selling out" and "acting differently". These are all 3, very interesting topics and personally, I want to know what you're talking about. So... I think you need to take a a few minutes and decide for yourself what the story is. Friend sells out, makes big money, abandons ideals and is now a prick. ^ Is that it? ^ No? Figure out what it is first and maybe jot down what the kernal of idea is. Then go there. I can see you've sold out I can see what you've become You used to talk 'bout ideals Didn't you used to have some? What is the problem, you can't seem to fix? Why trade in your heart and soul Then lose your dignity in the mix All for a bag of dirty tricks

 

You nailed it I am guilty. Not sure of the message, really trying to see if the Vox melodies work with the riffs. I asked for help and thanks for the rescue. I don't really want to put much effort if this

idea/riffs melodies) are not interesting. If there is a glimmer of a song here then yes cool I'll continue and sure appreciate such cool suggestions you and others so far have given me. But hey that's what it is all about. The Songwriting forum brimming with such talent. This post and upload is an idea so naked and I did this at this stage to help me jump start the process. I can't believe I have been given such ideas from something that is not very far in the works . Thanks again you have all given me inspiration to continue on. I won't let this song suffer in the lyric department and will keep a very open ear for any input along the way

[ido1957]

It's perfect just the way you have it - don't change a thing.