Members Surrealistic Posted September 13, 2012 Members Share Posted September 13, 2012 For some reason lately I've been trawling through older songs that I didn't ever do anything with. I posted "Set Me Free" a while back - and I'm still planning on using some of the comments I got here to fix that one - and here's another from around that same time (i.e. about 10 years ago). This time I have no doubt about the lyric which was written by a friend of mine based on a real story of a girl with severe mental health issues - multiple personalities, self-harming, institutionalised. I think it's wonderful work, managing to be both witty and sympathetic to the situation as well as really nicely structured. So, I wrote the song based on the lyric but never did anything with it. Mostly because I worried that it strays a little too far into the melodramatic. I try to avoid coming over like I want to too obviously tug on the listeners heartstrings. So, anyway, I've rearranged the backing - just my Gretsch through a double delay and a (MIDI) stand-up bass with some light strings added in the later sections, changed the melody a little and re-recorded, and here's the result. I'd love to know whether you think the arrangement suits the song or whether I'm still guilty of doing what I'm trying to avoid (see above re melodrama etc). Cheers Keith Song is called "Not Being Yourself" and you can hear my demo here: http://www.soundclick.com/player/single_player.cfm?songid=11883060&q=hi&newref=1 Lyric: Living in a crowdwhen you cry out loud there's always someone thereno one seems to carenever quite aloneothers you have known appear now and againyou wish you could remember when You're not being yourself these dayslife surrounds you in a watercoloured hazewhen the feeling's flown, it cuts you to the boneand the wounds just leave you so amazed Sometimes mad as helloften hard to tell just who you are todaybut you hold my hand anywaycaught you running scaredand your claws were baredyou tried to break awaywas I wrong to make you stay? You're not being yourself these dayslife surrounds you in a watercoloured hazewhen the feeling's flown it cuts you to the boneand the wounds just leave you so amazedyou're not being yourself these days You can't forget your recollectionsa prisoner of your own reflections No, you're not being yourself these dayslife surrounds you in a watercoloured hazewhen the feeling's flown it cuts you to the boneand the wounds just leave you so amazed You're not being yourself these days Lyric copyright Andi C Renfree 2002 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Monkey Uncle Posted September 13, 2012 Members Share Posted September 13, 2012 Hi Keith, It's a very touching song. I don't think it's too melodramatic, but I do get a feeling of "dragginess," like the tune wants to go somewhere, but never quite gets out of the driveway. The B section ("you're not being yourself these days...") starts out sounding like a pre-chorus, and after the first two lines I'm expecting a launch into a chorus. But then it just kind of drifts back down and goes back into another A section/verse. I suggest re-writing that B section into a pre-chorus/chorus structure that gives the listener some release. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members chriscarnucci Posted September 13, 2012 Members Share Posted September 13, 2012 Hi Keith,It's a very touching song. I don't think it's too melodramatic, but I do get a feeling of "dragginess," like the tune wants to go somewhere, but never quite gets out of the driveway. The B section ("you're not being yourself these days...") starts out sounding like a pre-chorus, and after the first two lines I'm expecting a launch into a chorus. But then it just kind of drifts back down and goes back into another A section/verse. I suggest re-writing that B section into a pre-chorus/chorus structure that gives the listener some release. +1 The melodic atmosphere you have developed is spot on. Mental illness is so tragic for both the sick and family/friends. It can be a waking nightmare and you have captured that I believe. But monkey is on to something about the current chorus. It never truly resolves. I do hope you work this one out. Im already invested, which tells me your on the right track. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted September 13, 2012 Moderators Share Posted September 13, 2012 Very cool. I love the lyric and your work on them. I do have a suggestion if you're looking to make changes. I feels to me that the chorus should really contrast the verses. Maybe from: You're not being yourself these dayslife surrounds you in a watercoloured hazewhen the feeling's flown, it cuts you to the boneand the wounds just leave you so amazed to: You're not yourself these daysIn a watercoloured hazeIt cuts you to the boneand leaves you amazedYou're not yourself these days And for some reason I was hearing some sort of falsetto on "you're not..." But either way you go, I'd make sure you use a bit more contrast melodically, harmonically and rhythmically. Very cool tune and well worth sprucing up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Surrealistic Posted September 13, 2012 Author Members Share Posted September 13, 2012 Thanks guys. I see what you mean about the chorus - it does have more of a pre-chorus feel about it. Not the easiest thing to fix of course - but I should've learned by now that when you ask for a critique it's usually the hardest thing to fix that's wrong Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted September 13, 2012 Members Share Posted September 13, 2012 I agree with all of the comments. You were concerned about it being too melodramatic, and I see what you mean. I think the lyric is strong and real, so maybe it's the music that is shifting it towards drama. I feel the dragginess that MU mentioned. I'm feeling that the music might be more 'observational' rather than 'heartstringpulling'. 'Think Eleanor Rigby' and 'For No-one' both McCartney at his best. Both deal poignantly with people's emotions, but in a more up-tempo, observational way. Anyway - just an approach to consider. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted September 14, 2012 Members Share Posted September 14, 2012 Very cool. I love the lyric and your work on them. I do have a suggestion if you're looking to make changes. I feels to me that the chorus should really contrast the verses. Maybe from:You're not being yourself these dayslife surrounds you in a watercoloured hazewhen the feeling's flown, it cuts you to the boneand the wounds just leave you so amazedto:You're not yourself these daysIn a watercoloured hazeIt cuts you to the boneand leaves you amazedYou're not yourself these daysAnd for some reason I was hearing some sort of falsetto on "you're not..." But either way you go, I'd make sure you use a bit more contrast melodically, harmonically and rhythmically. Very cool tune and well worth sprucing up. +1. And let me get this straight -- your real name is Keith Foster? That's your real name? Did you grow up in West Covina, by any chance? When I was a kid, my next-door neighbor, my best friend from like 4 - 7 was named Keith Foster. Oh, and while I already did the +1 thing for Lee Knight's comments, this is a really nice song. On 2nd listen, I like the chorus just the way it is, except I would do the first line as "you're not yourself these days." Also, when you repeat that line later on, I'd cut out the "being" -- just "you're not yourself these days." It's a very affecting song. LCK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Surrealistic Posted September 14, 2012 Author Members Share Posted September 14, 2012 +1. And let me get this straight -- your real name is Keith Foster? That's your real name? Did you grow up in West Covina, by any chance? When I was a kid, my next-door neighbor, my best friend from like 4 - 7 was named Keith Foster. Oh, and while I already did the +1 thing for Lee Knight's comments, this is a really nice song. On 2nd listen, I like the chorus just the way it is, except I would do the first line as "you're not yourself these days." Also, when you repeat that line later on, I'd cut out the "being" -- just "you're not yourself these days." It's a very affecting song. LCK Yes my real name is Keith Foster but no, I didn't grow up in West Covina, sorry. Seems there are a few of us out there* Thanks all for your comments. Looks like I may need to do some thinking. * as an aside, it used to be that if you googled 'Keith Foster Musician' (without the quotes) a drummer from a band called Full Devil Jacket turned up first, followed by a reggae artist called Tito Simon (birth name Keith Foster) but hey, I'm chuffed to see that now the first four links are about me. Fame at last. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Surrealistic Posted September 14, 2012 Author Members Share Posted September 14, 2012 Okay I've done some thinking - and it's still only 10:30 am - and I think the "dragginess" thing is, at least in part, due to the "leave you so amazed" line not being a resolution musically. If I move the chord change, and melody, back a little and resolve on "amazed" it might be better. I'll try that and see what happens. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members grace_slick Posted September 14, 2012 Members Share Posted September 14, 2012 I agree with all of the above comments. I really do like this song, a lot. I'm not sure about the title though. "Not Being Yourself" just doesn't sit 100% perfectly with me. Not that I'm any good with titles, but the very first line of the song, "Living in a Crowd", that stood out to me as being a good title for this. Or maybe extend the existing title to "You're Not Being Yourself", or even "You're Not Being Yourself These Days". That's just my hideously uneducated and inexperienced opinion though! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Surrealistic Posted September 16, 2012 Author Members Share Posted September 16, 2012 Thanks Grace. Sorry for the delayed response. I've been away this weekend at my eldest daughter's wedding! I think I agree with you on the title not being quite right. It was originally called "Living in a crowd" but for some reason I decided to change it. Maybe I'll extend it as you suggest - or come up with something else Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rodney_wrinkles Posted September 16, 2012 Members Share Posted September 16, 2012 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members grace_slick Posted September 16, 2012 Members Share Posted September 16, 2012 I like Living in a Crowd. And congrats on your daughter's wedding!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Surrealistic Posted September 21, 2012 Author Members Share Posted September 21, 2012 I hope the above spammer wasn't alluding to the sleep inducing qualities of my song here ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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