Members oldgitplayer Posted October 7, 2012 Members Share Posted October 7, 2012 I'm liking where you are with the chorus.Here are 2 thoughts :1. Maybe leave out 'little' - it may be difficult to sing, and it is implied in the overall sentence.2. 'Long gone' is strong - why not repeat it? You're not a girl, I'm not your daddyThere is no Superman, Lady PenelopeThe world's a better place to liveWhen we beg, borrow and giveOur heroes are long gone Long gone, Lady Penelope Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted October 7, 2012 Members Share Posted October 7, 2012 Is the below in keeping with the song?You're not a girl, I'm not your daddyThere is no Superman, Lady PenelopeThe world's a better place to liveWhen we beg, borrow and giveOur heroes are long gone FAREWELL, Lady Penelope Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Monkey Uncle Posted October 8, 2012 Members Share Posted October 8, 2012 Two lines in the chorus have been bugging me since first read, but it took me until now to figure out why.The world's a better place to liveWhen we beg, borrow and giveMy gut reaction is 'non-sequitur.' Why are we suddenly talking about making the world a better place in the middle of an intimate song about a tense relationship between two people? After mulling it over, I do get what you're going for - we're better off when we do things ourselves, by whatever means necessary, than when we rely on some idolized hero to save us. But I had to think about it to get there. I'd look for some words that express this sentiment in terms that involve just the narrator and Lady Penelope.Does that make sense? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Marshal Posted October 8, 2012 Members Share Posted October 8, 2012 Originally Posted by grace_slick So yeah, because of the bluntness of the word "dead", to me it's like ripping away the dreams of the person you're telling her heroes are not there. They're dead. Gone. You're on your own. That was good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted October 8, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted October 8, 2012 Originally Posted by Monkey Uncle Two lines in the chorus have been bugging me since first read, but it took me until now to figure out why. The world's a better place to live When we beg, borrow and give My gut reaction is 'non-sequitur.' Why are we suddenly talking about making the world a better place in the middle of an intimate song about a tense relationship between two people? After mulling it over, I do get what you're going for - we're better off when we do things ourselves, by whatever means necessary, than when we rely on some idolized hero to save us. But I had to think about it to get there. I'd look for some words that express this sentiment in terms that involve just the narrator and Lady Penelope. Does that make sense? Wow! That's uncanny. Almost to the word you've described the issue I've had with those lines as well. I like the lines too. But I absolutely agree. The listener, I don't believe, does not walk away getting the meaning. It's too cryptic for its own good. And with that input, ^right there^, it makes me want to step back and regroup. To then focus on clarity of meaning and communicating it. Thanks MU. Very good stuff. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted October 8, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted October 8, 2012 Originally Posted by oldgitplayer I'm liking where you are with the chorus. Here are 2 thoughts : 1. Maybe leave out 'little' - it may be difficult to sing, and it is implied in the overall sentence. 2. 'Long gone' is strong - why not repeat it? You're not a girl, I'm not your daddy There is no Superman, Lady Penelope The world's a better place to live When we beg, borrow and give Our heroes are long gone Long gone, Lady Penelope Originally Posted by stickboymusic Is the below in keeping with the song? You're not a girl, I'm not your daddy There is no Superman, Lady Penelope The world's a better place to live When we beg, borrow and give Our heroes are long gone FAREWELL, Lady Penelope I like both of those. That's going in the mix. It has a nice wrap up quality to it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted October 8, 2012 Members Share Posted October 8, 2012 Also on this.There's a better place, a place for gentle handsA place with bigger plans, for me and youAnd when our world (WALLS?)starts to TUMBLE, logic STARTS TO CRUMBLE "I love you's" turn to mumble, I still love you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted October 8, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted October 8, 2012 nice^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted October 8, 2012 Members Share Posted October 8, 2012 You're not a girl, I'm not your daddyThere is no Superman, Lady PenelopeTHE LINE HAS GONE ASTRAY (this line may need work)AND IT SADDENS ME TO SAY (taken partially from your old line and ending on a penelope rhyme)Our heroes are long gone FAREWELL, Lady Penelope Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted October 8, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted October 8, 2012 Originally Posted by stickboymusic You're not a girl, I'm not your daddy There is no Superman, Lady Penelope THE LINE HAS GONE ASTRAY (this line may need work) AND IT SADDENS ME TO SAY (taken partially from your old line and ending on a penelope rhyme) Our heroes are long gone FAREWELL, Lady Penelope I couple of things. The beginning of rewriting those two lines is hugely helpful. I got kinda married to them but knew they weren't right. So, nice. But I'm not getting the Penelope rhyme. To me, there is no Penelope rhyme. I never intended one. So where are you seeing it? And... while I love the word "farewell" there, it makes it sound like we're bidding Penelope farewell. When really, it's the heroes that are gone. Right? Or no? I might be getting a little lost on your take of here... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted October 8, 2012 Members Share Posted October 8, 2012 Originally Posted by Lee Knight I couple of things. The beginning of rewriting those two lines is hugely helpful. I got kinda married to them but knew they weren't right. So, nice. But I'm not getting the Penelope rhyme. To me, there is no Penelope rhyme. I never intended one. So where are you seeing it? And... while I love the word "farewell" there, it makes it sound like we're bidding Penelope farewell. When really, it's the heroes that are gone. Right? Or no? I might be getting a little lost on your take of here... Ahhh yeh...ok my accent has a partial rhyme with "say" and "penelope". Of course yours doesnt! I assume from your response that you dont want a rhyme there? I think one would suit the place but do as you will. Farewell - hmmmm maybe I am still not fully reading into the song. The HEROES are gone, sure.... but is she not seeing you as the hero instead of a human partner? It's likely I have missed the concept - oops! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted October 8, 2012 Members Share Posted October 8, 2012 Originally Posted by Lee Knight It's too cryptic for its own good. The world's a better place to live When we beg, borrow and give Love the line, love the cryptic. Relationships ARE cryptic!!! Slight variation to personalise : Our world's a better place to live When we beg, borrow and give Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted October 8, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted October 8, 2012 Originally Posted by stickboymusic Ahhh yeh...ok my accent has a partial rhyme with "say" and "penelope". Of course yours doesnt! I assume from your response that you don't want a rhyme there? I think one would suit the place but do as you will. Farewell - hmmmm maybe I am still not fully reading into the song. The HEROES are gone, sure.... but is she not seeing you as the hero instead of a human partner? It's likely I have missed the concept - oops! Ah!!! I see. It's not that I don't want a rhyme there. That would work dandily! It that I didn't initially intend one. And I could see yours. got it. "but is she not seeing you as the hero instead of a human partner", yeah, you got it. But I'm not bidding her goodbye. I'm working out details so we can go forward together. So "long gone" works for me because we're talking about heroes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted October 8, 2012 Members Share Posted October 8, 2012 Originally Posted by Lee Knight Ah!!! I see. It's not that I don't want a rhyme there. That would work dandily! It that I didn't initially intend one. And I could see yours. got it. "but is she not seeing you as the hero instead of a human partner", yeah, you got it. But I'm not bidding her goodbye. I'm working out details so we can go forward together. So "long gone" works for me because we're talking about heroes. Im with you.... mostly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted October 8, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted October 8, 2012 Originally Posted by oldgitplayer The world's a better place to live When we beg, borrow and give Love the line, love the cryptic. Relationships ARE cryptic!!! Slight variation to personalise : Our world's a better place to live When we beg, borrow and give Wow. That is a very small but potent change there. I like that. Yeah, I really do like those lines. They're very emotional for me too. It was with a lot of pain that I communicated those ideas to "Penelope". To scrap it out here on earth is far better than to dream of and bemoan the absence of a silver spoon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted October 8, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted October 8, 2012 Originally Posted by stickboymusic Im with you.... mostly. Our heroes are long gone, and I never one one of them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted October 8, 2012 Members Share Posted October 8, 2012 Originally Posted by Lee Knight Our heroes are long gone, and I never one one of them. I "was" confused What is the word where you are beyond this? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted October 8, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted October 8, 2012 Sorry about my horrible mistyping. No wonder you were confused. I gotta slow down. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted October 8, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted October 8, 2012 Originally Posted by LCK How about "the desert was electric, the daily dialectic was so far away?" I forgot to mention at the time how clever that is. Dielectric is awesome. I feels too scientific for the tone here, but... wow, that's pretty clever. Spot on in its meaning. Nice alliteration too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted October 8, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted October 8, 2012 BRemember the time spent driving in your car?The desert was electric, the day to day that can be so hectic Was so far... away Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted October 8, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted October 8, 2012 CYou're not a little girl, I'm not your daddyThere is no Superman, Lady PenelopeIt is a gift to love and liveWhen we beg, borrow and giveOur heroes are goneLong gone, Lady Penelope Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted October 8, 2012 Members Share Posted October 8, 2012 How about setting up the present time aspect of 'long gone' :You're not a little girl, I'm not your daddyThere is no Superman, Lady PenelopeIt can be a time to love and liveWhen we beg, borrow and giveOur heroes are goneLong gone, Lady Penelope Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted October 8, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted October 8, 2012 Originally Posted by oldgitplayer How about setting up the present time aspect of 'long gone' : You're not a little girl, I'm not your daddy There is no Superman, Lady Penelope It can be a time to love and live When we beg, borrow and give Our heroes are gone Long gone, Lady Penelope Ooo, yeah. Maybe trimmed... You're not a little girl, I'm not your daddy There is no Superman, Lady Penelope It is the time to love and live When we beg, borrow and give Our heroes are gone Long gone, Lady Penelope Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted October 8, 2012 Members Share Posted October 8, 2012 OK - but how about : It is a time to love and live? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted October 8, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted October 8, 2012 yeah, maybe. It has a little bit of a "four score and seven years ago" feel to it though. It is a time for change, etc. A little politico speechy. A time! You know? As a matter of fact, if I could figure out how to get "time" out of there, I might too. I love the idea. How it offers hope with all the God is DEAD negative reality. But I don't want to to sound like Abe Lincoln, Martin Luther King or Obama either. The other consideration is the mechanics of speech. "A" works off of a glottal. "The" has the advantage of that tongue to the teeth. rolling into the "t" if "time" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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