Members LCK Posted October 5, 2012 Author Members Share Posted October 5, 2012 Well, the first verse seems to be about the sky. I hadn't thought of that. A lot of this is spit balling, so to speak. Whatever sticks to the wall is what I'll keep. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted October 5, 2012 Members Share Posted October 5, 2012 I hadn't thought of that.A lot of this is spit balling, so to speak. Whatever sticks to the wall is what I'll keep. I thought it was cool that the "blue" might've been a sky related thing and then becomes more clear as the song goes on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted October 5, 2012 Author Members Share Posted October 5, 2012 I thought it was cool that the "blue" might've been a sky related thing and then becomes more clear as the song goes on. That's nice, but the music will probably dispel that idea pretty quickly. It's a blues in a minor key. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted October 6, 2012 Author Members Share Posted October 6, 2012 Another lyrical upgrade. A tune is forming in my head as we speak. Life is wonderful. Seriously. Isn't it great to be a songwriter working on a new song? The Other Side of Blue It Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted October 6, 2012 Moderators Share Posted October 6, 2012 I prefer your immediately previous version of V2 but admire the quality re-write. Still, I'd go with the previous. It rings truer and sings better. I love however, your V3 but have a few simple suggestions to break it up, make it (perhaps) feel a little more spontaneous and mildly haphazard: Now I watch the passing trainspretending yours is just overdue.Rain shines on the track I try to cope whenYou won Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted October 6, 2012 Author Members Share Posted October 6, 2012 Thanks for the feedback, man. I guess forgot to include the change I made to "the rain shines on the track" line. Meanwhile here's another refined version, with a newly "distilled" bridge. I hope it works. Verse 3I still feel the phantom pains from when your arms withdrew. Those lips I want ...to now unkiss still leave me haunt-...ed by the dis- appearing view on the other side of blue. I have walked through many half-lit doors to waiting eyes that beckoned me like yours. Sad girls who always ended in the dark with me crying over popcorn at films they didn Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted October 7, 2012 Author Members Share Posted October 7, 2012 Another upgrade. The Other Side of Blue Just like clockwork when it rains I respond as if on cue. I might as well be in a fog, you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Monkey Uncle Posted October 7, 2012 Members Share Posted October 7, 2012 It's getting better with each upgrade. Time for music? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted October 7, 2012 Author Members Share Posted October 7, 2012 It's getting better with each upgrade. Time for music? Thanks. The music is coming along, but it's just in my head so far. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted October 7, 2012 Members Share Posted October 7, 2012 writers? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted October 7, 2012 Author Members Share Posted October 7, 2012 writers? Writer's ink? Maybe. I was thinking printer's ink. If I could only find a two-syllable synonym for indelible... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted October 7, 2012 Members Share Posted October 7, 2012 Writer's ink? Maybe. I was thinking printer's ink.If I could only find a two-syllable synonym for indelible... lasting? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted October 7, 2012 Members Share Posted October 7, 2012 Indelible would probably fit "as-in DELIBLE ink" if you kind of join the as-in and then emphasise the delible.... seems to flow well enough? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted October 7, 2012 Author Members Share Posted October 7, 2012 Indelible would probably fit "as-in DELIBLE ink" if you kind of join the as-in and then emphasise the delible.... seems to flow well enough? I'll try it and let you know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted October 7, 2012 Author Members Share Posted October 7, 2012 Nope. It feels way too busy. Thanks, though. It was worth a shot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted October 7, 2012 Members Share Posted October 7, 2012 Indian ink is black and permanent (and should fit) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted October 7, 2012 Author Members Share Posted October 7, 2012 In-di-an. Three syllables. Plus, I'm not sure how many people have heard of India ink these days. I'm not 100% happy with clouds as black as ink, but there's another way around it: Just like clockwork when it rains Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted October 7, 2012 Members Share Posted October 7, 2012 Well - you've made it work, but there was greater finality when you used the line, 'You won't come back'.I think the song might be stronger with greater emotional finality in the ending. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted October 7, 2012 Author Members Share Posted October 7, 2012 Well - you've made it work, but there was greater finality when you used the line, 'You won't come back'. Good point. Time to re-think some more, I guess. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted October 7, 2012 Author Members Share Posted October 7, 2012 Now I watch the passing trains pretending yours is overdue. Time won Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted October 8, 2012 Author Members Share Posted October 8, 2012 I think I'm getting pretty close. I think there are still some problems with the 1st verse. "The Other Side of Blue" It Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted October 8, 2012 Members Share Posted October 8, 2012 This version of V3 feels a lot better - I thought 'tattoo' didn't belong. A possibility keeping the ending in the 1st person personal: I still believe I'll dream of you on the other side of blue. V1 - I mentioned before that I thought Pavlov needed to be evicted.This is a song of loss and longing, and you have set the mood well - But Pavlov disturbs the mood for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted October 8, 2012 Members Share Posted October 8, 2012 I like the distilled version. I still feel like "Pavlov's" is a clunky word to sing. Something like this makes the reference less obvious, but I think it works pretty well. It Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted October 8, 2012 Moderators Share Posted October 8, 2012 I like the distilled version. I still feel like "Pavlov's" is a clunky word to sing. Something like this makes the reference less obvious, but I think it works pretty well. It Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted October 8, 2012 Author Members Share Posted October 8, 2012 I like the distilled version.I still feel like "Pavlov's" is a clunky word to sing. Me too, sometimes. Like I said, I'm not 100% happy with that first verse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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