Members LCK Posted January 4, 2013 Members Share Posted January 4, 2013 Originally Posted by stickboymusic Ok here is another ROUGH live demo (not off a phone this time) hopefully it sorts the melody a littleI am still no further with the writing stage but once I have this locked in then the words should come quick.I think it needs to be slightly faster , I may go for this kind of recording but done properly and with extra musical elements/vocalshttp://soundcloud.com/stickboy/if-yo...ely-very-rough Lovely. There are still a few (tiny) rough spots, but it's gonna be a killer song. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted January 5, 2013 Author Members Share Posted January 5, 2013 Hello Ok I have tracked the order of the song, just basic acoustic/piano and vocals for now The vocals are just a first take but give you an idea of melody/lyrics I am looking for feedback more on lyrics at this stage, I am pretty happy with the structure, yes it doesnt do much musically YET but I can worry about that later, I will introduce a few subtle elements as the song progresses Thoughts??http://soundcloud.com/stickboy/if-yo...nely-demo-2-in If you're lonely Then it seems you do not know me I've been hanging round forever Only to find I am never in your arms And never on your mind If you're lonely Reach out your hand and hold me For a million days won't matter If you don't see That a million dreams will shatter If I leave Life is like a rollercoaster running out of steam First you have the ups and downs and then the inbetween If you don't want to take this ride alone then let it show I guess that lonely, is the only thing you know It's the only thing you know Like the lonesome river flows And the crying wind it blows It seems that lonely is the only thing you know Life is like a carousel spinning out of time its easier to take the lows than to attempt the climb if you just want to take this ride alone then let me go I guess that lonely is the only thing you know Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted January 5, 2013 Members Share Posted January 5, 2013 Besides being thrilled at how good this is, I'm even more pissed off at RangeFinder for his crap comments. I have a few suggestions. I think an "o" sound is lonelier than an "e" sound, so I've changed two words here.If you're lonely Reach out your hand and hold me For a million days won't matter If you don't know That a million dreams will shatter If I go I think this section might work better if you had true rhymes all the way through.It's the only thing you know The way the lonesome rivers flow And the sighing north winds blow It seems that lonely is the only thing you knowLife is like a carousel spinning out of time its easier to take the lows than to attempt the climb I'm not sure I'd stick with "spinning out of time." Maybe, spinning us through time? I kinda don't know what to do with that last line. "Than to attempt the climb" feels a bit awkward to me. Maybe "take the chance and climb?" Either way, this is turning into a fabulous song. Truly great. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted January 5, 2013 Members Share Posted January 5, 2013 That's really beautiful Stick. The piano doing the descending riff gave me chills. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted January 5, 2013 Author Members Share Posted January 5, 2013 Originally Posted by LCK Besides being thrilled at how good this is, I'm even more pissed off at RangeFinder for his crap comments. I have a few suggestions. I think an "o" sound is lonelier than an "e" sound, so I've changed two words here.If you're lonelyReach out your hand and hold meFor a million days won't matterIf you don't knowThat a million dreams will shatterIf I goI think this section might work better if you had true rhymes all the way through.It's the only thing you knowThe way the lonesome rivers flowAnd the sighing north winds blowIt seems that lonely is the only thing you knowLife is like a carousel spinning out of timeits easier to take the lowsthan to attempt the climbI'm not sure I'd stick with "spinning out of time." Maybe, spinning us through time?I kinda don't know what to do with that last line. "Than to attempt the climb" feels a bit awkward to me. Maybe "take the chance and climb?"Either way, this is turning into a fabulous song. Truly great. Thanks for the ideas.I like the know/go idea BUT i like the first mention of "go" towards the end of the song and dont really want to mention it earlier.I will have a think about the other bits , they arent really bothering me too much but if anyone else wants to jump in with agreement then I will have a proper look Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted January 5, 2013 Author Members Share Posted January 5, 2013 Ok couple of ideas after LCK's input what do you say? If you're lonely Then it seems you do not know me I've been hanging round forever Only to find I am never in your arms And never on your mind If you're lonely Reach out your hand and hold me For a million days won't matter If you don't see That a million dreams will shatter If I leave Life is like a rollercoaster running out of steam First you have the ups and downs and then the inbetween If you don't want to take this ride alone then let it show I guess that lonely, is the only thing you know It's the only thing you knowAs the lonesome rivers flow And the crying winds they blow It seems that lonely is the only thing you know Life is like a carousel That's spinning out of time its easier to take the lows than try and chance the climb if you just want to take this ride alone then let me go I guess that lonely is the only thing you know Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted January 6, 2013 Members Share Posted January 6, 2013 It's all good Stick, but I've never been comfortable with the mixing of metaphors as follows:Life is like a rollercoaster running out of steam First you have the ups and downs and then the inbetween 'running out of steam' is a metaphor that just doesn't sit comfortably with the 'ups and downs' of a rollercoaster. Why not try a different abstract idea altogether like :Life is like a rollercoaster running on a dream - (riding on a dream) First you have the ups and downs and then the inbetween or something........ I do prefer LCK's suggestion of spinning us through time It just makes more sense. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted January 6, 2013 Moderators Share Posted January 6, 2013 Originally Posted by oldgitplayer It's all good Stick, but I've never been comfortable with the mixing of metaphors as follows:Life is like a rollercoaster running out of steamFirst you have the ups and downs and then the inbetween'running out of steam' is a metaphor that just doesn't sit comfortably with the 'ups and downs' of a rollercoaster.Why not try a different abstract idea altogether like :Life is like a rollercoaster running on a dream - (riding on a dream)First you have the ups and downs and then the inbetweenor something........I do prefer LCK's suggestion of spinning us through time It just makes more sense. I love ^running on a dream^.Anyway, I love this. What I love about your tunes is you usually have a nugget of an idea, a twist or payoff or... something that the song hangs on nicely. Here, it is the title, Lonely is the only thing you know, that is always in contrast with your dream of being with her. It's that intuitive knack you have of the subtle payoff. One possible change might be to not have you be so sure, so early in the song that lonely is the only thing she knows...Life is like a rollercoaster running on a dreamFirst you have the ups and downs and then the inbetweenIf you don't want to take this ride alone then let it showBut maybe lonely, is the only thing you knowAnd then, of course, to seal the deal in the next B section, that you now do think that it is then maybe the only thing she knows. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tbry Posted January 6, 2013 Members Share Posted January 6, 2013 Originally Posted by oldgitplayer It's all good Stick, but I've never been comfortable with the mixing of metaphors as follows:Life is like a rollercoaster running out of steamFirst you have the ups and downs and then the inbetween'running out of steam' is a metaphor that just doesn't sit comfortably with the 'ups and downs' of a rollercoaster.Why not try a different abstract idea altogether like :Life is like a rollercoaster running on a dream - (riding on a dream)First you have the ups and downs and then the inbetweenor something........I do prefer LCK's suggestion of spinning us through time It just makes more sense. Agreed... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted January 6, 2013 Author Members Share Posted January 6, 2013 Originally Posted by oldgitplayer It's all good Stick, but I've never been comfortable with the mixing of metaphors as follows:Life is like a rollercoaster running out of steamFirst you have the ups and downs and then the inbetween'running out of steam' is a metaphor that just doesn't sit comfortably with the 'ups and downs' of a rollercoaster.Why not try a different abstract idea altogether like :Life is like a rollercoaster running on a dream - (riding on a dream)First you have the ups and downs and then the inbetweenor something........I do prefer LCK's suggestion of spinning us through time It just makes more sense. Hmm interesting - people seem sold on your "running on a dream" for me, a dream is a good thing so if the rollercoaster was running on a dream it would all be positive.my initial meaning, i know rollercoasters dont literally run out of steam (like an old train) but for me ANYTHING running out of steam is slowing down and struggling.... hence at first you have the ups and downs and as it runs out of steam (power/interest/hope/whatever) you are just stuck with the inbetween (going nowhere)I assume that is not clear (to anyone) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted January 6, 2013 Author Members Share Posted January 6, 2013 Originally Posted by Lee Knight One possible change might be to not have you be so sure, so early in the song that lonely is the only thing she knows...If you don't want to take this ride alone then let it showBut maybe lonely, is the only thing you know Thanks Lee - this will definitely go inI am still unsure about changing that "running out of steam" line - hmmmmm Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted January 6, 2013 Author Members Share Posted January 6, 2013 What are your initial thoughts on this demo (V3)http://picosong.com/3KBT/ I cant decide if I am now taking it in the wrong direction (probably) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted January 6, 2013 Moderators Share Posted January 6, 2013 Passing by at speed. GREAT! Well... you know me. Screw the modest production, I love that. GREAT. GREAT. GREAT. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted January 6, 2013 Author Members Share Posted January 6, 2013 Originally Posted by Lee Knight Passing by at speed. GREAT!Well... you know me. Screw the modest production, I love that. GREAT. GREAT. GREAT. So you think the BIGGER production is working, I mean yeh it sounds quite nice but is it distracting from the songThis is still a demo so its still a little rusty but I am just seeking thoughts on new lyrics (do you need them typing?) and the way its going musically? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted January 6, 2013 Moderators Share Posted January 6, 2013 For me, this is the direction you should go. Others may disagree, but yes, I really love this treatment. It does not detract from the lyric, it focuses in on it. That's my perspective. Sure, you could tone down the compressed drums, dial back the velocities to create a more intimate drummer's take, turn the room sound down, etc... or not. I really like the way this works as you have it. IT took me a bit by surprise but I was smiling at the same time. I like it. Sure, show the lyrics. Do I have that right? Passing by at speed? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted January 6, 2013 Author Members Share Posted January 6, 2013 Hmm cool ok - I am still unsure on the bigger sound but I will have a play and see If you're lonely Then it seems you do not know me I've been hanging round forever Only to find I am never in your arms And never on your mind If you're lonely Reach out your hand and hold me For a million days won't matter If you don't see That a million dreams will shatter If I leave Life is like a rollercoaster PASSING BY AT SPEED YOU HAVE TO MAKE THE ups and downs BEFORE YOU CAN PROCEED If you don't want to take this ride alone then let it show MAYBE lonely, is the only thing you know It's the only thing you know As the lonesome rivers flow And the crying winds they blow It seems that lonely is the only thing you know Life is like a carousel That's spinning out of time its easier to take the lows than try and chance the climb if you just want to take this ride alone then let me go I guess that lonely is the only thing you know Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted January 6, 2013 Moderators Share Posted January 6, 2013 Originally Posted by stickboymusic Hmm cool ok - I am still unsure on the bigger sound but I will have a play and seeIf you're lonelyThen it seems you do not know meI've been hanging round foreverOnly to findI am never in your arms And never on your mindIf you're lonelyReach out your hand and hold meFor a million days won't matterIf you don't seeThat a million dreams will shatterIf I leaveLife is like a rollercoaster PASSING BY AT SPEEDYOU HAVE TO MAKE THE ups and downs BEFORE YOU CAN PROCEEDIf you don't want to take this ride alone then let it showMAYBE lonely, is the only thing you knowIt's the only thing you knowAs the lonesome rivers flowAnd the crying winds they blowIt seems that lonely is the only thing you knowLife is like a carousel That's spinning out of timeits easier to take the lowsthan try and chance the climbif you just want to take this ride alonethen let me goI guess that lonely is the only thing you know I love the lyric. Your changes really tie it together nicely. And... of course a more modest and intimate arrangement would work very well. Yes. But I do like this. It counteracts the somber, bordering on morose, feel that the original phone demo had. I felt that that tone, along with the lyric, was dragging it down.I'm wrong everyday so... . Take it all with massive spoonfuls of salt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Monkey Uncle Posted January 7, 2013 Members Share Posted January 7, 2013 Wow, the latest version is really good. Like, a hundred times better than the initial demo. Lee is right about the arrangement giving it a big lift. Personally, I would take out about half of the cymbal crashes. Not eliminate them entirely, but just use them as occasional punctuation. But I don't know squat about arrangement and production, so take that comment with a grain of salt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted January 7, 2013 Author Members Share Posted January 7, 2013 Originally Posted by Monkey Uncle Wow, the latest version is really good. Like, a hundred times better than the initial demo. Lee is right about the arrangement giving it a big lift. Personally, I would take out about half of the cymbal crashes. Not eliminate them entirely, but just use them as occasional punctuation. But I don't know squat about arrangement and production, so take that comment with a grain of salt. No I think you are quite correct - I just quickly mapped a drum idea, some of the fills need sorting (taking away) and yes those cymbals are a little too big at the mo..... so I guess this may be the right direction just need to tame it down a little - thanks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted January 7, 2013 Members Share Posted January 7, 2013 I'd take away most of the cymbal crashes, they are in my opinion, distracting... but I do like the bigger production, which should come as no surprise. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Marshal Posted January 7, 2013 Members Share Posted January 7, 2013 OK here' my take. The third verse is missing something.It's the only thing you know Like the lonesome river flows And the crying wind it blows It seems that lonely is the only thing you know The protagonist is pretty steady in his bad-mouthing of this chick (?). But we don't get a sense of why HE feels that way. Somehow I want to see that he's been hurt himself, and that's why he's so down on the chick. I'd like some hint that he tried to open her up, but she brushed him off or something. There's two people in every relationship. The real story is; why does this guy feel this way? (I mean, if she's really that bad, what did he see in her in the first place?) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted January 7, 2013 Author Members Share Posted January 7, 2013 Well I tweaked the mix a bit - its still a demo really though as yet To be honest I feel I am losing a bit of interest in this one and for me that usually means it ain't a keeperhttp://picosong.com/3BCt/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted January 7, 2013 Moderators Share Posted January 7, 2013 I still love it. And... I totally get why you're "losing a bit of interest" in it. This is the song that gets placed in a Judd Apatow movie and you say in an interview, "I never really much liked that one." Really. The changes work for the better. Stop. You're done. But definately include it in submissions. Really... note: I wouldn't continue working on it with your mood toward it right now. Just let it be. It's really good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted January 7, 2013 Members Share Posted January 7, 2013 Originally Posted by Lee Knight Just let it be. It's really good. I disagree. I think it's really, really good.Personally, I would download this song and listen to it a lot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted January 7, 2013 Moderators Share Posted January 7, 2013 Originally Posted by LCK I disagree. I think it's really, really good.Personally, I would download this song and listen to it a lot. Head scratch. Wha? I'm not sure what you're disagreeing with. Sounds like we both like it. I only say "let it be" if he's burnt out on it. Or not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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