Members Stevetemp Posted November 27, 2012 Members Share Posted November 27, 2012 I'm a wanna-be writer, and I have several things lying around unfinished...so I thought I;d start ANOTHER unfinished story. Had a dream last night, little big foggy, half awake. I thought I'd put some of it to paper/screen. Would like you to read. I have taken some liberties...for example I pretty sure I have mixed tenses, incomplete sentences, artistic liberty. But I'm just trying to get a feel for a story, and my MO. This would probably be a short story, maybe even a period piece. Main character is somewhat a civilized gentleman, yet flawed and certainly obsessed. What do you think of this excerpt? Interest piqued? Excerpt from "A Legend Lives" I froze in my tracks. The sound I Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Yarbicus Posted November 27, 2012 Members Share Posted November 27, 2012 YOU SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH! OK, now that my HCAF reaction is out of the way, I'll actually read it and get back to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Stevetemp Posted November 27, 2012 Author Members Share Posted November 27, 2012 Thanks for the dash of reality! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members JonVengeance Posted November 27, 2012 Members Share Posted November 27, 2012 Originally Posted by Stevetemp I'm a wanna-be writer, and I have several things lying around unfinished...so I thought I;d start ANOTHER unfinished story. Had a dream last night, little big foggy, half awake. I thought I'd put some of it to paper/screen. Would like you to read. I have taken some liberties...for example I pretty sure I have mixed tenses, incomplete sentences, artistic liberty. But I'm just trying to get a feel for a story, and my MO. This would probably be a short story, maybe even a period piece. Main character is somewhat a civilized gentleman, yet flawed and certainly obsessed. What do you think of this excerpt? Interest piqued? To be perfectly honest, it needs a lot of work. First, the grammar is horrible. You have too many fragments, run-ons, and bad punctuation. Second, I don't think you did a very good job of describing the setting. Third, it's not actually compelling or interesting. I did not want to read more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members DoubleBarrel Posted November 27, 2012 Members Share Posted November 27, 2012 Originally Posted by JonVengeance To be perfectly honest; It needs a lot of work. First, the grammar is horrible. Second, the grammar is horrible, Third, the grammar is horrible. And last but not least the grammar is horrible Fixed.Grammar was so bad I couldn't even read that. If you really want to be a witer, you must master the tools of your trade. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Robson780 Posted November 27, 2012 Members Share Posted November 27, 2012 Originally Posted by JonVengeance To be perfectly honest; it needs a lot of work. First, the grammar is horrible. You have too many fragments, run-ons, and bad punctuation. Second, I don't think you did a very good job of describing the setting. Third, it's not actually compelling or interesting. I did not want to read more. ...Says the person who misused a semi-colon right off the bat. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members DoubleBarrel Posted November 27, 2012 Members Share Posted November 27, 2012 Originally Posted by Robson780 ...Says the person who misused a semi-colon right off the bat. There's a big difference between a typo and ebonics Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LoopQuantum Posted November 27, 2012 Members Share Posted November 27, 2012 I'm not trying to be rude, only honest. This excerpt reads like a prison letter. I see what you're trying to do (informal, hyperdescriptive), but it just falls flat on me. Sorry man. I feel nothing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Yarbicus Posted November 27, 2012 Members Share Posted November 27, 2012 You guys all need to see me after class so that I can fill out your referrals for the Writing Lab. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LoopQuantum Posted November 27, 2012 Members Share Posted November 27, 2012 Originally Posted by Yarbicus You guys all need to see me after class so that I can fill out your referrals for the Writing Lab. My lady has a Masters in Comp & Rhetoric. I have to tiptoe already, thank you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Robson780 Posted November 27, 2012 Members Share Posted November 27, 2012 Originally Posted by DoubleBarrel There's a big difference between a typo and ebonics wat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Yarbicus Posted November 27, 2012 Members Share Posted November 27, 2012 Originally Posted by LoopQuantum My lady has a Masters in Comp & Rhetoric. I have to tiptoe already, thank you. My kind of woman! Also, check your emails, dude!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LoopQuantum Posted November 27, 2012 Members Share Posted November 27, 2012 Originally Posted by Yarbicus My kind of woman! Also, check your emails, dude!!! Responded on FB. My inbox is 231 deep right now. Tis the season. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members BrendanO Posted November 27, 2012 Members Share Posted November 27, 2012 Frankly, it's not good, Steve. By orders of magnitude. If writing is something you're interested in, I would very much suggest checking out the class and workshop offerings at a local community college. Your writing needs help on virtually every level, and it can be very, very difficult to learn these things on your own. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members guitarbilly74 Posted November 27, 2012 Members Share Posted November 27, 2012 Cool, when are you planning to post the English version? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Stevetemp Posted November 27, 2012 Author Members Share Posted November 27, 2012 Thank you to everyone who responded. TBH...I would call this more of a "Scribble". I hurriedly wrote this during a work break to attempt to capture some of my dream/late night hallucination. I also indeed want it to appear to be more diary-like than Academic. The stark scenery description complaint? "not a very good job with the setting"? First off...I do imagine the Himalayas during an approaching snow storm IS very stark, bleak, and not a lot to comment on, not that I've been there. . I wanted my narrative to fit that. Lots of white...granite rock, darkening blue sky. Not much else going on. I suppose that much-needed research would fill that out a little bit. I don't know if any of you are familiar with professional writing...but most often even it needs "serious work" by a knowledgeable trusted colleague. The trick is...and I have this on supremely good authorities (pro writers that I have corresponded with...Jeffrey Carver being one)...to just keep writing, and do NOT get locked down by too much detail. I asked Mr. Carver how he made space flight and engines believable. He said "Not too much detail and just make it happen like it is a perfectly taken-for-granted operation". I lol'd. Again thanks. I might be brave enough to share some better writings. Early drafts are a biotch. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Stevetemp Posted November 27, 2012 Author Members Share Posted November 27, 2012 Originally Posted by BrendanO Frankly, it's not good, Steve. By orders of magnitude.If writing is something you're interested in, I would very much suggest checking out the class and workshop offerings at a local community college. Your writing needs help on virtually every level, and it can be very, very difficult to learn these things on your own. Thanks dude! I just might. I do have academic books here to consult, but as I said...this is more of a diary than anything, plus and early, and coming-to-believe embarrassing draft. You don't have anything more specific? I honestly didn't realize that some of you would be so interested! You...Billy? Not ANY of you, not ONE person..... found it REMOTELY worth horse{censored}? I'm a little surprised. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members guitarbilly74 Posted November 27, 2012 Members Share Posted November 27, 2012 Originally Posted by Stevetemp Thanks dude! I just might. I do have academic books here to consult, but as I said...this is more of a diary than anything, plus and early, and coming-to-believe embarrassing draft. You don't have anything more specific? I honestly didn't realize that some of you would be so interested! You...Billy? Not ANY of you, not ONE person..... found it REMOTELY worth horse{censored}? I'm a little surprised. I am sorry brother, the problem I am having with it is I read it three times and I still don't know what the hell you are talking about. I know your character was at the Himalayas... and I think there is a storm approaching?? Other than that Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Phrophus Posted November 27, 2012 Members Share Posted November 27, 2012 Steve, I think one of the biggest problems is that, like in most of your posts, no one seems to get what it is that you are going on about, which usually yields no one caring what you are going on about. I'm definitely not any sort of a writer, so I can't give specifics on what is lacking, but when I read this little snippet, I just get frustrated because you aren't conveying anything to me. I know that in a lot of your posts, you seem to be juggling several ideas, but you don't seem to be able to express any of those very clearly, which may be what is going on here. I don't know. I wish you the best of luck though. I am not trying to discourage you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members BrendanO Posted November 27, 2012 Members Share Posted November 27, 2012 Originally Posted by Stevetemp Thanks dude! I just might. I do have academic books here to consult, but as I said...this is more of a diary than anything, plus and early, and coming-to-believe embarrassing draft. You don't have anything more specific? I honestly didn't realize that some of you would be so interested! You...Billy? Not ANY of you, not ONE person..... found it REMOTELY worth horse{censored}? I'm a little surprised. If you're surprised, just take it for what it's worth.I could give you specifics, but it wouldn't help. You're missing and/or lacking some fundamentals, tools, and skills; the specifics wouldn't build on anything. Going over the piece word by word (and it does need that kind of help) wouldn't be a learning experience. I'm sure you'd comprehend everything I said, but I'm also sure you wouldn't be able to understand and apply it in a way that would allow you to be more successful in your craft. You can't build on sand. Which is why I recommend taking come classes and workshops: to get that critical foundation in place. THEN the specifics would help.Until then? Work on your tone, voice, grammar, syntax, structure, punctuation, word choice and tenses. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Stevetemp Posted November 28, 2012 Author Members Share Posted November 28, 2012 Originally Posted by BrendanO If you're surprised, just take it for what it's worth.I could give you specifics, but it wouldn't help. You're missing and/or lacking some fundamentals, tools, and skills; the specifics wouldn't build on anything. Going over the piece word by word (and it does need that kind of help) wouldn't be a learning experience. I'm sure you'd comprehend everything I said, but I'm also sure you wouldn't be able to understand and apply it in a way that would allow you to be more successful in your craft. You can't build on sand. Which is why I recommend taking come classes and workshops: to get that critical foundation in place. THEN the specifics would help.Until then? Work on your tone, voice, grammar, syntax, structure, punctuation, word choice and tenses. So...you really couldn't pick ONE aspect? Just as an example? Like a classroom might. Like a good professor might chose one example of literature as the lecture topic? I can imagine that there are numerous problems. If I thought it was perfect, I would have submitted it to your publisher. I thought that some people would find SOMETHING....one thing to compliment. For example...I did say:"My eyes searched for the sound". Well...eyes do not search for sound. Ears do. I felt it was a nice twist. I also said "jagged snowy claws angry at the gods for a harsh life". As if the most giant of mountains can be angry. My main character is both obsessed and in love with his...obsession...AND in fear of it. I felt this a good literal example of ALL of our lives. Maybe I'm not communicating all this in a Stephen King way....but I would think HCAF experts would recognize the tools being used, no matter how dull. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members guitarbilly74 Posted November 28, 2012 Members Share Posted November 28, 2012 Originally Posted by Phrophus Steve, I think one of the biggest problems is that, like in most of your posts, no one seems to get what it is that you are going on about YES Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Stevetemp Posted November 28, 2012 Author Members Share Posted November 28, 2012 Originally Posted by Phrophus Steve, I think one of the biggest problems is that, like in most of your posts, no one seems to get what it is that you are going on about, which usually yields no one caring what you are going on about. I'm definitely not any sort of a writer, so I can't give specifics on what is lacking, but when I read this little snippet, I just get frustrated because you aren't conveying anything to me. I know that in a lot of your posts, you seem to be juggling several ideas, but you don't seem to be able to express any of those very clearly, which may be what is going on here. I don't know. I wish you the best of luck though. I am not trying to discourage you. I take your comments very much to heart! Even your reference to my usual HCAF posts. But not being able to zero into anything specific is kind of harsh. "just can't relate".Okay. Okay...I need to find a way to relate. I totally understand! But not sure how to overcome. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Stevetemp Posted November 28, 2012 Author Members Share Posted November 28, 2012 Originally Posted by guitarbilly74 YES Like...what? An example? (besides this artistic, OFF TOPIC. difficult!) exercise. What is it about me that does not compute? To the scum of den. LOL. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Stevetemp Posted November 28, 2012 Author Members Share Posted November 28, 2012 Originally Posted by Yarbicus YOU SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH! I suppose that you hit nail on head on post #2. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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