Members bee3 Posted September 13, 2014 Members Share Posted September 13, 2014 This is one I wrote a few years ago, but never properly recorded. Today, on a whim, I decided to put it down. Thoughts? http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12915281 Do what you'd likeIt's all rightI don't mind not knowing where I'm going A perfect lifeIs what you'd likeI don't see a reason for not leaving I'll follow silentlyIf I've got someone watching over meRather wistfullyAs long as I can spend my time with someone who'll see things through I'll change my nameIf that's your gameYou'd settle for my simple conversation I'll follow silentlyIf I've got someone watching over meRather peacefullyWe'll spend our time in paradise, umbrella drinks and glassy eyesHoping for the sunny skies but patchy clouds are ok too Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted September 13, 2014 Members Share Posted September 13, 2014 I can listen later, Justin,. but where's the 'grab him in the biscuits' line in the lyric. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tbry Posted September 14, 2014 Members Share Posted September 14, 2014 I always like the sound of your songs...not sure of the connection to any of the rest of the lyric this verse has... I'll change my nameIf that's your gameYou'd settle for my simple conversation Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted September 14, 2014 Members Share Posted September 14, 2014 It's lovely. The only potential issue I have is that: I don't mind not knowin'... where I'm going The melody is extremely familiar. Like it comes from an iconic song that I should recognize immediately (but am drawing a blank on for some reason). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted September 14, 2014 Author Members Share Posted September 14, 2014 Hhmmm... could it be that I posted a version a few years back? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted September 14, 2014 Author Members Share Posted September 14, 2014 Oh... and I updated the link. Went for a single vocal on the verses and added an arpeggio guitar in the intro and bridge. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted September 14, 2014 Members Share Posted September 14, 2014 Hhmmm... could it be that I posted a version a few years back? No, it is something very well known. From the 60's I'm pretty certain. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted September 14, 2014 Members Share Posted September 14, 2014 I like it. It does sound "familiar" but I don't think it's a rip off of anything specific. I love the instrumental break! It's fantastic! Lyrically it could use a little more variation, I think, though I love the last chorus. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted September 15, 2014 Members Share Posted September 15, 2014 This is lovely, so mellow. I can't write stuff like this. No, it is something very well known. From the 60's I'm pretty certain. The harmonies in the verse lift from Suspicious Minds ('when you don't believe a word I say'). Don't think it's fatal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted September 15, 2014 Members Share Posted September 15, 2014 Musically its perfect - love when you put flute in your songs and yeh the flute break is awesome The ending threw me a bit - its just seems to end.... I guess it would work on an album if it banged straight into another track but in isolation it felt a little too quick to end. I also felt like it needed a rhyme on the end of V2 Do what you'd likeIt's all rightI don't mind not knowing where I'm going A perfect lifeIs what you'd likeI don't see a reason for not leaving Either rhyming with "going" from V1 OR a sentence rhyme like the V1 knowing/going ..... i know you have a semi rhyme there already but the one in V1 is a perfect rhyme - it's probably fine how it is. I think you could possibly think of something stronger on these lines We'll spend our time in paradise, umbrella drinks and glassy eyesHoping for the sunny skies but patchy clouds are ok too Its the final line that I think could be stronger - especially as its repeated and forms the end of the song. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted September 15, 2014 Author Members Share Posted September 15, 2014 Thanks for the feedback. I'll work on those lyrics... and I have an ending (I think) that will hopefully resolve the issue there. I'm not a fan of vs 3 either... I like the idea of wanting her to "settle for my simple conversation..." just need to finesse it better. Some ideas for vs 2: A perfect lifeIs what you'd likeI don't need perfection, just your affectionAs long as we're together, the storm we'll weatherA different situation is your temptationA different situation, a new sensationLet me help discover your inner loverA seed, it needs some sowing before its growing Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted September 15, 2014 Members Share Posted September 15, 2014 The seed line is really good. You might try wording it more simply. A seed needs more sowing before growing Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted September 15, 2014 Members Share Posted September 15, 2014 Yes, it is "Suspicious Minds"... "because I love you too much baby...." Martin thought it was OK, but for me it is too close for comfort. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted September 15, 2014 Author Members Share Posted September 15, 2014 That doesn't bother me in the least. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted September 15, 2014 Members Share Posted September 15, 2014 That doesn't bother me in the least. Fine then, do what you like. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted September 15, 2014 Author Members Share Posted September 15, 2014 Fine then, do what you like. Man, you are on fire today. .png.197c47f720636f02390cc2b0a33804da.png' alt='smiley-veryhappy'> Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted September 15, 2014 Members Share Posted September 15, 2014 I blame lack of sleep, vitamins, and cold brewed ice coffee. Alot of cold brewed ice coffee. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Foose31 Posted September 16, 2014 Members Share Posted September 16, 2014 Sweet song, just feels like I only got to hear 3/4's of it. Ends to soon. I want more like an ending verse to make it feel complete, if I'm making any sense. As for me, I don't think it sounds familiar with anything else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted September 16, 2014 Members Share Posted September 16, 2014 +1 on nice sweet mellow song. It does have the Suspicious Minds harmony, but with the Simon and Garfunkel vocal delivery it doesn't jump out as a lift. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted September 16, 2014 Moderators Share Posted September 16, 2014 Wow. Pretty... I like. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted September 17, 2014 Author Members Share Posted September 17, 2014 Changes in italics below? Thoughts? Do what you'd likeIt's all rightI don't mind not knowing where I'm going A perfect lifeIs what you'd likeSometimes a seed needs sowing before growing I'll follow silentlyIf I've got someone watching over meRather wistfullyAs long as I can spend my time with someone who'll see things through You had my heartRight from the startWhen you settled for my simple conversation I'll follow silentlyIf I've got someone watching over meRather peacefullyWe'll spend our time in paradise, umbrella drinks and glassy eyesHoping for the sunny skies but patchy clouds are ok too Wake up, it's a dream Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted September 17, 2014 Members Share Posted September 17, 2014 I like the changes. I'm not sure if I like "settled." For me that particular word has some other connotations. I guess you'll do. Sort of a meh alright kind of thing. Maybe that's what you want it to say, but the way I'm reading it, the narrator is saying simple conversation is enough. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted September 17, 2014 Author Members Share Posted September 17, 2014 ^yeah... that's kind of what I was going for... this chick is the bees knees... the guy is just happy that she's even with him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted September 17, 2014 Members Share Posted September 17, 2014 ^yeah... that's kind of what I was going for... this chick is the bees knees... the guy is just happy that she's even with him. Maybe you should turn it around, tell us that he digs her simple conversation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted September 17, 2014 Author Members Share Posted September 17, 2014 Whoops, didn't see your comment there LCK. New version here with the above lyrics, minus the final line. I've decided to omit that in favor of an instrumental fadeout. Is it working? http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12918447 Do what you'd likeIt's all rightI don't mind not knowing where I'm going A perfect lifeIs what you'd likeSometimes a seed needs sowing before growing I'll follow silentlyIf I've got someone watching over meRather wistfullyAs long as I can spend my time with someone who'll see things through You had my heartRight from the startWhen you settled for my simple conversation I'll follow silentlyIf I've got someone watching over meRather peacefullyWe'll spend our time in paradise, umbrella drinks and glassy eyesHoping for the sunny skies but patchy clouds are ok too Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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