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The Line She Wasn't Supposed to Cross

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  • #16
    You may be thinking of my "She Hurries Toward the Light." I really need to get back to that.


    That was you! That's the one.
    ___

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    • #17
      A few other angles that might set a story rolling :

      'Music is your own experience, your thoughts, your wisdom. If you don't live it, it won't come out of your horn'.
      CHARLIE PARKER

      Comment


      • #18
        A basic idea. I don't know if it's any good. Do you think this has promise? Any ideas for verses?

        The line she wasn't supposed to cross
        Was getting smaller in her rear view mirror
        Flipped the coin she was too scared to toss
        As she drove on outta here
        Better to roll on down the road
        Then to stay here gathering moss
        Leaving behind the line she wasn't supposed to cross


        One idea for verses might be the concept of Exit 1, Exit 2... like you have on long trips. But Exit 1 was probably the 7-11 they used to get people t score them beer at. And maybe Exit 34 was a couple towns over where some relatives live. Then the State Line and then...

        I don't know. Any thoughts? Too cliche?

        Or maybe the lyric above is a verse. Then I write another with the crossed line idea using other shades of the concept. Then write a simple repetitive chorus around

        The line... she wasn't supposed to cross
        The line... she wasn't supposed to cross
        No time... for silly dreams and wishing on the Southern Cross
        Crossing the line... she wasn't supposed to cross.

        Didn't Rhino or Bee or Ow just have a tune like this? ****************.


        It does remind me of the shortchord song.
        “I started being a songwriter pretending I could do it, and it turned out I could.” —James Taylor.

        Comment


        • #19
          I find this song so far very intriguing and I want to know what happens. I like story-telling songs when the concept interests me, and this definitely does.

          I like that idea about using different exits as turning points on the story line.


          I love this idea too.
          All things must pass...

          Comment


          • #20
            Great input here. I should become a regular poster!

            I had a thought. "The line". There could be many lines she crossed as a big thinking/small town girl. The time she tried out for boys football, the time she asked that boy out on a date. The time she even danced by herself at the local watering hole's dance floor and rejected all the lugheads hitting on her to dance. The time she cut her hair and died it pink. And the time she finally packed it up and left town to take a job in NYC. See ya mom and dad. I'll call.

            Something like that.

            The line she wasn't supposed to cross
            Was getting smaller in her rear view mirror
            Flipped the coin she was too scared to toss
            As she drove on outta here
            Freedom comes at a cost
            One thing found for one thing lost
            Leaving behind the line... she wasn't supposed to cross
            ___

            Comment


            • #21
              Great input here. I should become a regular poster!

              I had a thought. "The line". There could be many lines she crossed as a big thinking/small town girl. The time she tried out for boys football, the time she asked that boy out on a date. The time she even danced by herself at the local watering hole's dance floor and rejected all the lugheads hitting on her to dance. The time she cut her hair and died it pink. And the time she finally packed it up and left town to take a job in NYC. See ya mom and dad. I'll call.

              Something like that.


              Are you saying there are many alternatives? Or are you talking about how every line crossed just draws another? That latter might be a cool avenue to explore...
              Don't listen to Justin.
              LCK - 2/21/2012

              Comment


              • #22
                Are you saying there are many alternatives? Or are you talking about how every line crossed just draws another? That latter might be a cool avenue to explore...


                I was updating as you posted. Well... I think I'm exploring the cost of crossing the line. You can go there little girl, but it's going to cost you. Is that cost worth the price? She thinks so and she's right. So the lines she crosses earlier in life all add up to this day of freedom. She was bullied and made fun of. She was smart when she should be acting cute. She got angry when she should've kept her pretty little mouth shut. She said **************** you all pretty and nice, well worth the cost at twice the price.

                The line she wasn't supposed to cross
                Was getting smaller in her rear view mirror
                Flipped the coin she was too scared to toss
                As she drove on outta here
                Freedom comes at a cost
                One thing found for one thing lost
                Leaving behind the line... she wasn't supposed to cross
                ___

                Comment


                • #23
                  I was updating as you posted. Well... I think I'm exploring the cost of crossing the line. You can go there little girl, but it's going to cost you. Is that cost worth the price? She thinks so and she's right. So the lines she crosses earlier in life all add up to this day of freedom. She was bullied and made fun of. She was smart when she should be acting cute. She got angry when she should've kept her pretty little mouth shut. She said **************** you all pretty and nice, well worth the cost at twice the price.

                  The line she wasn't supposed to cross
                  Was getting smaller in her rear view mirror
                  Flipped the coin she was too scared to toss
                  As she drove on outta here
                  Freedom comes at a cost
                  One thing found for one thing lost
                  Leaving behind the line... she wasn't supposed to cross


                  love it

                  'Flipped the coin she was too scared to toss' doesn't really jive though
                  ...

                  Comment


                  • #24


                    The line she wasn't supposed to cross
                    Was getting smaller in her rear view mirror
                    Flipped the coin she was too scared to toss
                    As she drove on outta here
                    Freedom comes at a cost
                    One thing found for one thing lost
                    Leaving behind the line... she wasn't supposed to cross


                    It's good. It's all right. But there are two things bugging me a little.

                    Maybe I'm wrong, but "The line she wasn't supposed to cross" feels a bit clunky in terms of its rhythm. It doesn't feel like it would sing well. "The line she shouldn't have crossed" feels a little better, but it might still be too clunky. This is your title line, so it needs to really pop.

                    The second problem -- "flipped the coin she was too scared to toss" -- has an easier fix. The way it's written now there's an internal logic/verb tense problem. If she was really too scared then she wouldn't have tossed the coin. It should be "flipped the coin she'd been too scared to toss."

                    I like the last four lines a lot.
                    “I started being a songwriter pretending I could do it, and it turned out I could.” —James Taylor.

                    Comment


                    • #25
                      It's good. It's all right. But there are two things bugging me a little.

                      Maybe I'm wrong, but "The line she wasn't supposed to cross" feels a bit clunky in terms of its rhythm. It doesn't feel like it would sing well. "The line she shouldn't have crossed" feels a little better, but it might still be too clunky. This is your title line, so it needs to really pop.

                      The second problem -- "flipped the coin she was too scared to toss" -- has an easier fix. The way it's written now there's an internal logic/verb tense problem. If she was really too scared then she wouldn't have tossed the coin. It should be "flipped the coin she'd been too scared to toss."

                      I like the last four lines a lot.


                      You both are pointing out things I've been wrestling with.

                      'Flipped the coin she was too scared to toss' doesn't really jive though


                      I've changed it back and forth from a few different things. And still am... Lee's suggestion of:

                      flipped the coin she'd been too scared to toss


                      This works and I was toying with cleaning up the logic in a similar way. Why I went back to the original, but I probably won't stay there cause I agree with you guys. But why I went back was because it sort of works in a shorthand logic. If she was too scared to toss it and she's tossing it... well, that says a lot in a little space. Clearly she isn't too scared now. At the time of the aforementioned flipping. She was though. But yes, it is awkward and I agree. In Lee's fix there's a cool little tongue twisting play with "she'd been." Jam it together and you get

                      sheedbeentooscared

                      That really sings well. Then follow with 2 "t" sounds stretching the rhythm and you get "sheedbeentooscared... to... toss

                      Nice.

                      OK... regarding the title line. Yep. The line was born out of conversation. So as an experiment I brought it in as is. And it's clunky. However... phrased a certain way it works. Maybe. The jury us still out because so far this is mental and not at my guitar with voice.

                      The liiiine........ she wasn't! supposedto... cross

                      So that ^ works. But, in doing that, that really takes the place of two lines of real estate. And I have a 2nd line waiting to be smooshed in.

                      The line she wasn't supposed to cross
                      Was getting smaller in her rear view mirror

                      So one thought I had was to have background vocals take the

                      The liiiine........ she wasn't! supposedto... cross

                      and have the lead singer then start the chorus with the line "was gettin'; smaller in her rear view mirror". Like this

                      (The liiiine........ she wasn't! supposedto...) Was getting (cross) smaller in her rear view mirror

                      What I like about the title line (maybe I think sort of) is that it is provocative.

                      The line she wasn't supposed to cross.

                      And in its awkwardness, it stimulates interest. Like these movie titles:

                      The Englishman Who Went Up a Hill, But Came Down a Mountain
                      How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb
                      Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Sex But Were Too Afraid To Ask
                      ___

                      Comment


                      • #26


                        The liiiine........ she wasn't! supposedto... cross


                        I can sorta see how that might work.
                        “I started being a songwriter pretending I could do it, and it turned out I could.” —James Taylor.

                        Comment


                        • #27
                          I can sorta see how that might work.


                          I'm not convinced either. I gotta mess with it and see. Think of the rhythm to the line "The night... they drove ol' Dixie down"
                          ___

                          Comment


                          • #28
                            I'm not convinced either. I gotta mess with it and see. Think of the rhythm to the line "The night... they drove ol' Dixie down"


                            Yeah, but that's 7 notes/syllables. You've got 9.

                            I'm not saying you can't pull this off. Like you said, you gotta mess with it. Sometimes what appears a bit clunky on paper (or on a computer screen) works amazing well when put to music.
                            “I started being a songwriter pretending I could do it, and it turned out I could.” —James Taylor.

                            Comment


                            • #29
                              Well, to clarify or muddy the waters further... however you want to look at it.

                              I think the coin flipping is even more out of character after you described her. She doesn't seem like the type of person who would need to flip a coin to decide to go. I do like the free spirit it implies... maybe she flipped the coin to decide which direction? That might be fun to work into the verses.
                              ...

                              Comment


                              • #30
                                Actually 8 versus 9. I compensate for the extra syllable with two 1/8 notes instead of the flowing 1/4 notes. drove (wasn't)

                                The (The) night...(line...) they (she) drove (wasn't) ol' (su-) Dixie (-possed to) down (cross)
                                ___

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