Members LCK Posted October 4, 2012 Members Share Posted October 4, 2012 The liiiine........ she wasn't! supposedto... cross I can sorta see how that might work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted October 4, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted October 4, 2012 I can sorta see how that might work.I'm not convinced either. I gotta mess with it and see. Think of the rhythm to the line "The night... they drove ol' Dixie down" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted October 4, 2012 Members Share Posted October 4, 2012 I'm not convinced either. I gotta mess with it and see. Think of the rhythm to the line "The night... they drove ol' Dixie down" Yeah, but that's 7 notes/syllables. You've got 9. I'm not saying you can't pull this off. Like you said, you gotta mess with it. Sometimes what appears a bit clunky on paper (or on a computer screen) works amazing well when put to music. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted October 4, 2012 Members Share Posted October 4, 2012 Well, to clarify or muddy the waters further... however you want to look at it. I think the coin flipping is even more out of character after you described her. She doesn't seem like the type of person who would need to flip a coin to decide to go. I do like the free spirit it implies... maybe she flipped the coin to decide which direction? That might be fun to work into the verses. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted October 4, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted October 4, 2012 Actually 8 versus 9. I compensate for the extra syllable with two 1/8 notes instead of the flowing 1/4 notes. drove (wasn't) The (The) night...(line...) they (she) drove (wasn't) ol' (su-) Dixie (-possed to) down (cross) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted October 4, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted October 4, 2012 Well, to clarify or muddy the waters further... however you want to look at it.I think the coin flipping is even more out of character after you described her. She doesn't seem like the type of person who would need to flip a coin to decide to go. I do like the free spirit it implies... maybe she flipped the coin to decide which direction? That might be fun to work into the verses. Ah. I see. OK, the direction I'm seeing this go with the verses is her many tosses of the coin. The many times she paid the price for speaking her mind , or even just having one. So. I was seeing her as a kid and weighing up the cost of talking back to an asshole teacher. Are we ready to flip this coin? Deliberating... still holding sir... and... go. "From what I understand, the earth is much older than the bible says it is." "It's just hair color!" "But I don't like to wear dresses!" And forever branded a trouble maker. The cost. Worth it at thrice the price. So, the coin motive will hopefully be used more in the verses. Maybe, I hope, kinda. So she is the type. Always weighing the cost of her big mouth and the truth. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted October 4, 2012 Members Share Posted October 4, 2012 Ah. I see. OK, the direction I'm seeing this go with the verses is her many tosses of the coin. The many times she paid the price for speaking her mind , or even just having one. So. I was seeing her as a kid and weighing up the cost of talking back to an asshole teacher. Are we ready to flip this coin? Deliberating... still holding sir... and... go. "From what I understand, the earth is much older than the bible says it is." "It's just hair color!" "But I don't like to wear dresses!" And forever branded a trouble maker. The cost. Worth it at thrice the price. So, the coin motive will hopefully be used more in the verses. Maybe, I hope, kinda.So she is the type. Always weighing the cost of her big mouth and the truth. I kinda see where you are coming from, but to me a coin toss implies leaving it up to chance so I don't really get deliberation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted October 4, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted October 4, 2012 I kinda see where you are coming from, but to me a coin toss implies leaving it up to chance so I don't really get deliberation. Interesting. That may be what's been niggling me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted October 4, 2012 Members Share Posted October 4, 2012 Interesting. That may be what's been niggling me. I once had someone tell me we would flip a coin and instead of showing me heads or tails, she asked what did you hope for first when the coin went in the air. I don't know if you could work that in, but it might be neat if you did. Maybe that's what she does, and her big mouth always wins. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted October 4, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted October 4, 2012 I'm still not sure "Flipped the coin she'd been too scared to toss" doesn't work. I just reread the chorus and sang my melody in my head and it sure sounds good. It just means roll the dice doesn't it? I mean, leaving town is just the culmination of all the lines she'd crossed in the past growing up. And it all leads to this moment. Another toss of the coin. Another line being crossed. Another price to pay. All in a continuing series of crossed lines in her life. I think I wanna marry this girl. Oh wait, I did. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted October 4, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted October 4, 2012 In context: The line she wasn't supposed to cross Was getting smaller in her rear view mirror Flipped the coin she'd been too scared to toss As she drove on outta here Freedom comes at a cost One... thing... found... for something lost Leaving behind the line... she wasn't supposed to cross Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Marshal Posted October 4, 2012 Members Share Posted October 4, 2012 *Updating here as I go:The line she wasn't supposed to cross Was getting smaller in her rear view mirrorFlipped the coin she'd been too scared to tossAs she drove on outta hereFreedom comes at a costOne... thing... found... for something lostLeaving behind the line... she wasn't supposed to cross There isn't music posted for this yet, right? I like the rewrite better. The "One thing found" line is the clincher. But it's not firing on all cylinders yet. "Something found, and something lost" has a nice repetitive ring to it.Or play on a losing equation: "Something found, too much is lost," or some variation of that equation idea ("One thing found, but what is lost")? Upon further review, your, "for so something lost" does hint pretty solidly for the negative equation idea. . . . , carry on. You will not be charged a time-out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Marshal Posted October 4, 2012 Members Share Posted October 4, 2012 Whether you come out and say it or just hint at it, you either have a specific story in mind or you just let the rhymes write it for you.The whole notion of "This is meant to be interpreted many different ways... I'll let the auidence figure it out" gets old to me. Bravo ! ! ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted October 4, 2012 Members Share Posted October 4, 2012 One... thing... found... for something lostLeaving behind the line... she wasn't supposed to cross I like the original: "One thing found for one thing lost." Though being a cynic, I would probably say "One thing found for all things lost." In other words, she's lost more than she's gained, but she's all right with that; she's still willing to roll the dice, toss the coin, and cross those lines she shouldn't have crossed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted October 4, 2012 Members Share Posted October 4, 2012 I like the original: "One thing found for one thing lost."Though being a cynic, I would probably say "One thing found for all things lost." In other words, she's lost more than she's gained, but she's all right with that; she's still willing to roll the dice, toss the coin, and cross those lines she shouldn't have crossed. Being an uncynic, I would probably say that the "one thing found" could be worth it. Depends on what it is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted October 4, 2012 Members Share Posted October 4, 2012 I have nothing to add, but I'm enjoying the conversation. It has gone a lot deeper than I originally expected this thread to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted October 4, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted October 4, 2012 Being an uncynic, I would probably say that the "one thing found" could be worth it. Depends on what it is. I agree. Mentioning the parallelism of "One thing found for one thing lost", I like that as it speaks to her reoccurring familiarity with the exchange. It sounds a bit like an old saying. I like that. Lee's ideas on making it more true and realistic are good, but I really want the singablity here too. So the parralel nature of the original, "one thing found for one thing lost" works both in its rhythmic feel, and its content, as you see it above. The idea behind behind "One thing found, for somethin' lost" was a) that it is in a way a rhyme. Somethin'. Somethin' lost sings really well. And b) it's call and response sound rhythmically. "One thing" works as a series of accented, staccato notes: One! Thing! found. Followed by a more legato answer with "fersomethin'lost" Bump! bump! bump!, bahdidabump Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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