lyric rewrite... critique as needed

The Battle

Preacher man preachin on Sunday

Says I have to change my way

Cause the Devil

Nice write

It defiantly has a good feel to it.

Like most lyrics I critique, I'd have to hear the song to fully give an opinion, but from what I've read, it's good.

I like it. The only line that jumped out at me as needing improvement was this one:

More there than can compare

But maybe I would change my mind upon hearing the song.

good rewrite

reads very well now

I'll be looking forward to hearing the melody

I agree that this line needs work.

I see a few others as well:

"Reconditioning of the mind" might be the hardest line to sing ever invented.

How about "Reconditioned mind"?

There are various lines throughout that have no rhymes. Not necessarily a bad thing... a lot will depend on the music.

I have this rewording for the first verse and chorus to give a little food for thought. You have a lot in the lyrics and it is hard to follow in detail or it feels a little choppy at times though I get the overall gist. Hard to know without the music.

Preacher pounds his fist on Sunday

Says I have to change my way

Cause the Devil

Thanks guys, I actually got the idea for this while lurking around the HCPP and found at the very least a tight little group ready at any given moment to cut the throat of anyone opposing their views.

this one is still very much in the works so am up for any input,

I do like the pounding of the fist thing, hope to have at least a demo of the music shortly, have had very little time lately to put any extended work into the music but it's slowly progressing,

thanks again for the heads up

Hi, I get where your coming from on this one, or at least I think I do! Isn't it the case that Fundamentalists, be they religious, scientific or whatever in nature actually have more in common with one another than they would like to think. They all will tollerate no views that differ from their own.

Anyway, enough said, I tend to agree with some of the previous comments regarding the last line of the first verse although I can't think of an alternative to suggest at the minute. At the start of the second verse I would change Naturalist to Scientist, just seams a little easier to say. Also for the end of the second verse how about;

Using Darwin's simple list"

But it seems to me for all your knowledge

You mind's as open as a fist.

Or perhaps not, whatever you think. I look forward to hearing it when you get it recorded.

The reconditioning word is a little long sounding when I read the lyrics. Other than that I think it should work out alright. I think these are some of your best lyrics I've read....

The reconditioning word is a little long sounding when I read the lyrics. Other than that I think it should work out alright. I think these are some of your best lyrics I've read....

+1

you need to use some other word for reconditioning

sounds interesting I hope the recording stands up to the possibilities

you can have a great song here

These forums can get pretty rowdy when these types of subjects come up. A good resource for subject matter indeed.

I like your lyrics quite a bit. I like that the point is sort of beside what some might initially think it's about. Someone might say, "Play that evolution song." But, really it's a tune about people being rude and dismissive towards each other.

I got yanked off stage once for playing a political song that was written in the same fashion. When you got down to it, it wasn't a statement for or against a political leaning. It was a critique of human behavior.

Nice job. I look forward to hearing a recording.

thanks for all the input guys, I've made afew changes and hopefully this will do.

Now for the music

The Battle

Preacher man poundin out his sermom

Says I have to change my way

Cause the Devil

I kind of like the original lyrics better, razzing is just an odd word I guess. Where can i hear the song ? I didnt see it on your soundclick

music ain't up yet