Members SrMeowMeow Posted June 14, 2011 Members Share Posted June 14, 2011 I need a fresh perspective on some blues lyrics I'm working on. Parts just feel...weak. I wanna cry-Let my feelings goI wanna cry-Let my feelings goBut my face is (eyes are?) dryAnd the wind is cold I wanna die+Take the short way homeI wanna die+Take the short way home+Leave this cursed road-Rest my aching bones But you're waiting girlIn a house aloneYeah you're waiting babyIn a house alone*In a million miles-Baby I'll be home Pick my left foot upPut my left foot downPick my right foot up-Set it on the groundThough my boots are tornAnd my arms are bare*I'm looking for my baby-And I'll walk anywhere * means I'm not sure+ means I like it- means I don't I know it's not groundbreaking. It's a simple blues about a common subject. I'm just looking to punch up the lyrics a bit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members urca Posted June 15, 2011 Members Share Posted June 15, 2011 I need a fresh perspective on some blues lyrics I'm working on. Parts just feel...weak.Pick my left foot upPut my left foot downPick my right foot upand shake it all aroundDo the hokey pokeywhile I'm looking for my baby-And that's what it's all about. How's that? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members blue2blue Posted June 15, 2011 Members Share Posted June 15, 2011 In the first stanza, definitely eyes. The last stanza breaks form (even if you -- and you should -- drop the looking for my baby... anywhere couplet) by leaving the rhyme scheme. If you can find a way to get a rhyme in there on the final couplet of that verse, I think you'll have a solid, unpretentious little blues lyric there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members SrMeowMeow Posted June 15, 2011 Author Members Share Posted June 15, 2011 In the first stanza, definitely eyes. The last stanza breaks form (even if you -- and you should -- drop the looking for my baby... anywhere couplet) by leaving the rhyme scheme. If you can find a way to get a rhyme in there on the final couplet of that verse, I think you'll have a solid, unpretentious little blues lyric there. Well, the verse is longer because there's a little repetition and turnaround in the music. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted June 15, 2011 Members Share Posted June 15, 2011 I agree on the eyes thing. Also, I think my boots are worn works better than torn. It's good. I like it. LCK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members urca Posted June 16, 2011 Members Share Posted June 16, 2011 I's lookin' fo' my babywhlie I eats my poke and beans.I's lookin' fo' my babywhlie I eats my poke and beans.Don't know why I can't find herShe's da ugliest girl I ever seen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members blue2blue Posted June 16, 2011 Members Share Posted June 16, 2011 I think you got something separate, there, urca. I think you should develop it. Plenty of great songs through the ages about the pluses of women who have minuses in the looks department... it's an evergreen topic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Matximus Posted June 17, 2011 Members Share Posted June 17, 2011 It's the blues, baby. All good. These lyrics are all good. I mean, reaching for originality in the lyrics of a blues song...It's like trying to come up with some BS twist on a burger. What if I use alfalfa & poppyseed in the toasted bun?? Who gives a {censored}; It's a burger. Is it dead cow ground up, grilled and put between a couple slices of bread? Good to go. Are the words simple to understand and the kinda words that sound good when sung? Right on. The only thing that matters with these words is how they're sung and the melody they're sung too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members urca Posted June 22, 2011 Members Share Posted June 22, 2011 Repetition is, in the case of lyrics; not your friend. I'd loose the doubled lines of sentiment. Why, are they too tight? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted June 22, 2011 Moderators Share Posted June 22, 2011 Repetition is, in the case of lyrics; not your friend. I'd loose the doubled lines of sentiment. Ain't no shame in writing to a classic formI said there ain't no shame in writing to a classic formIss like a big fat mama wrapped around you nice and warm Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted June 22, 2011 Members Share Posted June 22, 2011 Ain't no shame in writing to a classic formI said there ain't no shame in writing to a classic formIss like a big fat mama wrapped around you nice and warm I think you might have meant to type Its instead of Iss, but maybe not Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted June 22, 2011 Moderators Share Posted June 22, 2011 nope... iss isslikuh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Marshal Posted June 23, 2011 Members Share Posted June 23, 2011 Repetition is, in the case of lyrics; not your friend. I'd loose the doubled lines of sentiment. He can get away with it, if he's paid his dues. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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