Lyrical rough draft, feedback appreciated

I sent off a close friend of mine today, to go to school across the country. I'm at a point in life currently where there's a lot changing, and things are happening very quickly. Most of the people I've spent the past several years with are moving on and away to bigger, better things, myself included. It came out as a sort of bittersweet good-bye, with a word of encouragement but also a resistance to the inevitable change. Anyhow, for musical style, I'm going for a stripped down, straight-forward, acoustic-folk feel. I've got a basic guitar part I might record later, and I'll probably add a finger-picked arrangement and some spare piano sections... Sorry about the ramble, here's the song.

V.1

Looks like we

Hey j_landreth,

Really like the flow of the Pre Chorus and the Chorus. Is 'with back straight and bright eyes' the new last line? If so it feels good. Maybe look at and re-work the verse, the first two lines are strong, though it may work better with 'and' and 'surely' left out ( just a comment as I don't have a melody line. It maybe fine with one). The last three lines of the verse all end in a false rhyme - time, sublime, time. I'm confident if you re work the verse and add least another one this will be a great song. :-)

I really like it. There seems to be a lack of repeating sections, which is fine if by design. I just wonder, having not heard it yet, if it would be better served by replacing a bridge or a pre with another verse. Something to think about. I love it, though. The first verse:

Looks like we

It's an experience that most people go through - the scattering of friends to distant corners of the earth.

A sentiment therefore worthy of a song.

The word 'sublime' jumps out at me as an overdressed word amongst casual friends. I'd be inclined to change that line because it's not dependent on a rhyme.

The word 'nipping' is a tad worrysome, but it may actually fit once sung.

Without music I can't really tell whether some lines would be better off losing a word to keep their metre running steady.

Surprisingly enough, the sentiment expressed is in a similar vein to Bob Dylans Dream. You can easily sing a lot of your lines to his tune. (Mmmm.......not really his tune)

He pickpocketed a few did our Bob. His Dream was lifted directly from a traditional song called 'Lord Franklin' and God on our Side was lifted from 'The Patriot Game' and .......no I'd better stop because there's a few more yet that could be mentioned.

Anyway - back to your song - yes keep at it, I can see it's well on it's way.

I agree, sublime was a poor word choice, especially in the context. I will probably end up altering things more once I play it through a few times, so the meter inconsistencies should (hopefully) iron themselves out. As for Dylan... I'll have to look up "Dream", but that does explain why so many of his songs sound so darn familiar, even upon first listen. And thank you, I'll try to have a demo up by tonight!

We

What do you think of this?

But for now, venture out, this is the time

To find out what life

I like split. I think it subconsciously makes the listener think these to people are about to go different ways.

another way of saying it, although I don't know if I like it as much because our road never really changes... just the surroundings

Looks like we're not long for this road

It really gets under your skin?

yes

Edited

Doesn't the sun set in the east in the US?

BTW - The song title is 'Bob Dylan's dream'.

Your Chorus fits perfectly into his line lengths and scan pattern, so I suggest you don't listen to it until you've finished your song.

As far as the sentiment is concerned, he sings a song about the free and easy time of youth - in body and mind. And then how everyone splits.

His penultimate verse goes :

Now many a year has passed and gone

And many a gamble has been lost or won

And many a road taken by many a first friend

And each one .....I've never seen again.

I meant that they moved to the east, and were watching the sunset in a different setting, but I see now that it sounds like I'm saying the sun sets in the east. Thanks for pointing that out!

I might change the lyric to,

"and you're watching the sun rise in the east

coming up above an unfamiliar sea"

It changes the meaning, but it still fits the motif I think. A fresh start, amidst new scenery?

I don't know, if you've got a better idea I'm quite open to suggestions.

This ties what's happening together well. Doesn't the sun set in the east in the US? BTW - The song title is 'Bob Dylan's dream'. Your Chorus fits perfectly into his line lengths and scan pattern, so I suggest you don't listen to it until you've finished your song. As far as the sentiment is concerned, he sings a song about the free and easy time of youth - in body and mind. And then how everyone splits. His penultimate verse goes : Now many a year has passed and gone And many a gamble has been lost or won And many a road taken by many a first friend And each one .....I've never seen again.

Thanks for the warning, I don't want to catch myself swiping his tune(or perhaps a tune that he swiped, eh?)

but I would like to give it a listen once I'm finished.

Plus, I would like to be able to get this all squared away before I realize how much better his song is haha.

That last verse is sweet, it's pretty much what I'm trying to say, just far more poetic.

I had to check, just in case my mind was going out on me again, but according to Google the sun still sets in the west here,

Is "sending off" a friend a common expression? I've heard of parents sending their kids off to college, but I'm not sure I've heard it used in terms of a friendship. If so, then never mind.

I'm not sure I understand who the "we" is in this context though, especially since the "two paths diverge" line seems to suggest one friend leaving another. If it's a group of people saying goodbye to one member of the group, perhaps make that clearer in the song.

That said, saying goodbye to someone close is never an easy thing, and I'm sure a lot of people will be able relate to the song's sentiment. Good work.

I'm not entirely sure if it's a common phrase, to be honest. That's just what it felt like, we had a sort of good-bye/celebration and it felt like a send-off. But regardless, it's not a line in the song anymore, I changed that yesterday and hadn't updated the original post yesterday.

As for the "we" part, I'm still kind of grappling with that. I'm mulling over changing the pre-chorus to another verse, and adding a pre-chorus instead that will clarify that there are more than two parties involved, but I'm not sure how to do it just yet.

Thanks for the suggestions, though, I'll definitely try to make the transition from "I" to "We" a smoother, clearer switch.