Got a new one going

I've been starting and stopping things for months. Been focusing on plenty of other musical things. Mostly recording and performing (and gear and staring at a computer screen instead of anything creative). But some months ago I had an idea in my head that didn't go anywhere. I think I posted it here. The line "I've been searching for some answers to questions, that are puzzlling me" was the thematic part. It was based on a couple chords in a new-to-me alternate tuning. . . . , well nothing caught.

But then about a month ago I fumbled on a strange new chord in standard tuning that piqued my interest. . . . , one chord. . . , But it seduced me. And it pushed me into a more traditional chord/melody pattern than I normally follow to go with it. Which gave me the desire to twist it a little, so I found another flip in the musical phrase that made it possible for me to personalize the whole pattern.

And as luck would have it, the same melodic lyrical pattern from the ditched tune fit with the new pattern nicely. So it put me back onto the previous theme. . . . , (awful long bs story, isn't it?)

So now I'm forging through this one. I'm pretty sure it'll make it into port. Don't know if it'll become a front-line tune. But it will get done. It's pretty melancholy and schmaltzy in character. But melodic and pretty at the same time. Oh, and I've ditched the "questions" lyric line. But it's all about things that are puzzling me. It'll have 2 verses and a reprise of the chorusie part. For now only one verse is writ.

Helen takes another sip of her coffee

And stares within

When did love become a 4 letter word ?

Time to start again

Paul goes out to have a beer with the boys

Can

Before I read what you were thinking of for a title, and came across that phrase -- "stories in a song+ -- I thought: "Oh, that's good."

LCK

Nice. At first I had a little niggle at "stares within". It felt a little to new agey. It works and tells the story. And I really do love the visual I get from it. I mention it as a possible land mine.

Then the man. I really love this verse. My only issue is the term "with the boys". Because nobody ever says with the boys. "With the guys". "...with the guys from work". "...with his brother Jake". "...with his bro Jimmy."

Helen takes another sip of her coffee

And stares within

When did love become a 4 letter word ?

Time to start again

Paul goes out to have a beer with the boys

Can

You think? I was sort of liking the idea of the melody as a river. Something you would paddle down.

Drift away down this melody

Paddle when you

Points well taken. The "Stares within" is still weak. I like the duplicity of staring into the cup of coffee and staring into your own soul. But it's awkward. I'm not thrilled, nor done with it yet.

The boys, guys thing I've gone back and forth on. Guys is probably more generic. But boys is used quite interchangeably in this locale. And it is more playful and endearing in it's usage; meaning close friends, whereas guys could be any guys. But I'm not sold on either yet. (Though boyz is also more playful and fun to sing, whereas guyz is more of a hard sound)

Good catch on both of them. Neither is finished.

On the chorus; my problem is the 3rd verse will likely make the chorus change it's timbre from feeling sorry for oneself to turning you focus elsewhere. That's a tall order to do for a repeated chorus. It could lose focus. Another possibility will be that whatever I come up with on the later chori, will make me go back and change the first chorus to line up better with the latter. (ladder? - Always line up on your ladder. )

I told you I start out without knowing where I'm going.

Yup. The River is IN. That part isn't changing. The river is life. Drift and river will stay. Paddle when your strong is nice sounding and follows the metaphor. Though, latter choruses may change paddle to: "Try to be strong;" and/or "Have faith and be strong." So there's sloppiness in where it's going. But "Drift away, Down the river" are the only chorus lines that I'm standing firm on at the moment.

(PS - That and "Stories in a song.")

A silly note on the term; boys. My father-in-law who passed 20 years ago used that term a lot. He was 13 years older than my dad and practically could have been my grand-father. But he would talk about his friends (who I knew to be old men) as boys. "I played poker with the boys last night." or "That George is a good boy." It always struck me as so strange. But I think it was a term more common from that generation. And I suppose, in a way, I've adopted it into my personal lexicon more than current cultural use. . . . , But you know I like it as a term of disarming affection between MEN. When you're in the inner circle of friendship, you let down your cultural masculinity guard. Guys (oops) will have silly nicknames for each other. Timmy-boy, Lenny, the Bartster. That's the way we talk to each other.

Language is funny (and so rich).

No... I totally get the slant you have on term "boys". And it makes sense if you're not trying to be current but rather nodding to a bygone era. Or as a cool nod to dad. It stuck out for me because I haven't heard that term in... ever. Except in song. And I hate when that happens. So it's not an issue, rather something that poked out from my vantage as a fellow songwriter.

Well here's where it's at. Like Lenny, I've got a song circle to go to this evening. So I'll bring this tune. It's a pretty sad-sack song, so I don't think it'll go anywhere for me. An interesting exercise. A lovely little chord pattern and melody. But not much value in pursuing anywhere. Here's the lyric as it stands. I will work up an mp3 over the weekend.

"Stories in a Song"

Helen takes another sip of her coffee

And stares down in

When did love become a 4 letter word

Time to start again

Paul goes out to have a beer with the guys

Can

Good lyric.

Good luck tonight at the song circle...

LCK

Only getting half the story with lyrics only. I need some music to really complete the picture. It could make or break it...

OK. I made a quickie recording on my little Zoom H2. I change a couple words here and there. It's the top song on my sounclick list.

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default.cfm?bandID=870281

Nice melody. You might try ascending the melody in the second half of the 3rd line of each verse instead of repeating the 1st line melody.

It provides a few notes prior to the higher register melody in the 4th line.

It may benefit the overall verse melodic structure.

Try it and see.

I played this one in a song critique circle and someone said something that made me change it. He said he liked the river in the chorus. But he didn't like changing the subject in the chorus. He thought that it wasn't necessary to draw restate things. Just let the metaphor speak for itself. And I though, "Yeah. It's too disjointed." and I changed it this morning. Here's the final lyric du jour.

Helen takes another sip from her coffee

And stares down in

How did love become a 4 letter word

Time to start again

Paul goes out to have a beer with the guys

Can

It matters a little. It's not like Marshall is calling it "Moon River." That's pretty specific. Or "Somewhere Down the Crazy River," which is not as widely known or as popular; but still, it's taken.

I kind of like "Down This River." I think it has a stronger emotional pull than just "The River."

LCK

I have to admit that "stories in a song" was my favorite line and what brought the whole thing together for me. Sad to see it go.

Add my ballot to the "Down This River" box.

Yeah. I was heavily invested in "Stories in a song." (Even thought about getting a tattoo *smirk* ;) ). But the comment I got in the critique that struck home is, the chorus had too much going on. And I agreed. And that the drift away, and river images were strong with the music. And that sometimes we explain too much in a song. And most times we should just let the metaphor speak for itself.

I sort of agreed that I liked the drift away, and the metaphor of life as a river was worth while. So, I decide to go with the flow (*smirk*). . . . , (And in respect for the original idea, and a love of song, I have the river playing a song. . . ., a little obtuse of a connection. But it is a song, after all. )

On the subject of the title. I'm not committed to anything yet. But titles are not copyrightable. And, in a strange twist of fate, you can get exposure by titling a song like another popular song, because you can get clicks by people searching for the original.

PS - I'm often reminded of the quote I saw (can't remember by who) that said, "A song isn't done when you've included every element of the story. It's done when you've taken out every extraneous element so that the whole song would fall apart if you remove one more word." . . . , or something like that.

Whoever said it, and however it was said, it's right on the money.

Gotta remember that more often myself.

LCK

PS- Thanks for caring.