Haunted V2 - altered chorus with more lyric development

This one is a little further down the path. I took Lee Knight's advice and adjusted the flow of the final verse lines. I also totally rewrote the refrain based on his suggestion. Rather than playing into the minory tone of the verses, it is now a genuine major lift to the song. I'm not 100% convinced that it works here, but I thrilled Lee forced me to take the project on because it is definitely a keeper somewhere.

I tried OGP's idea and no matter what picking progression I did, the vocal note was just too surprisingly dissonant if it hadn't been previewed on the guitar first.

I only had time for one take this morning, so some of the words were sung wrong, what you see here is where it is with the filler crap in red. Ignore the cell phone ringing at the end.

http://picosong.com/wMaN

Questions:

1) Does the new refrain work? How about when it gets bigger at the end, is that too out-of-nowhere?

2) Any ideas for the red lines?

3) Is there too much gripping/hanging/holding in the second verse? Or is it appropriate considering the circumstances? FWIW, the melody on "hang on" isn't right, it'll likely just be the same climbing two note motive that was in the first two verses.

4) With the "too tight" bit, I was trying to play into Rick's brilliant line about his wife wiping away his tears without stealing it directly. Does it work?

5) Does the verse melody need a change in either the 3rd or 4th stanza? Is it dragging by that point?

6) Does "thank you" work as the last line of V2? I thought about "goodbye" but it felt too on-the-nose. I'm open to suggestion there.

7) I'm still looking for something stronger in the refrain if anyone has some ideas.

Thanks everyone.

OK, I'm toying with the idea of scrapping the 4th verse stanza and running with this instead.

I may have to interject a brief interlude before or after that third stanza, but I think that'll work better. It scraps the weakest parts of the second verse and allows the song to get back to the major part sooner, which I think ties the whole thing together better. Makes each part mesh better.

Has she passed yet?

There is a bit of a disconnect between the term haunted, and the fact that you're stroking her hair and hoping she'll hold on. It works, in that the place is haunted by your mutual past, but you leave that lyric angle too soon. So then it becomes confusing to me. I think it'll work best if you continue the unique juxtaposition of the term haunted and the fact that she's still with you. You stroke her hair and are haunted by the times she used to run with it flowing behind here. You're haunted by the fact that you hear that song but only in your memory.

What is haunting you? There's your song... if you ask me. It doesn't need to develop past the initail lyric concept. Stay there.

Hmmm, sorry Lee, but I don't follow. First you say this:

and then follow it up with...

Isn't that what I am doing? If not, is it the "hold on" part that bothers you?

Would you mind elaborating, please? What specifically is veering in the wrong direction for you?

And could you comment on the new refrain?

Something like this?

I'm making the point that you don't carry the haunted theme any further than V1. So yeah ^, something that carries that theme seems to me would utilize this haunted ambiance you're creating. Otherwise, why? See what I'm mean?

Maybe I'm totally off the mark, cause I see I am frequently, after saying something, I look again and see something I was missing big time. Still... it seems you are dropping the haunted theme altogether after V1. But the music still carries it...

...that is the disconnect I'm referring to.

OK, can you give me some concrete ideas on how to resolve this disconnect? I'm not seeing a visible fix.

Also, did you like the new chorus?

Turn it to past tense. She is gone.

V3
Our tender kisses
I stroked your auburn hair
And said a silent prayer
You'd hang on

V4
Our song is playing
I'm gripping your hand tight
Maybe a bit too tight
But you're gone

I think what Lee is saying is that the first and second verse strongly imply that she's already gone; you're speaking of her in the past tense. Then in the next two verses she's still here, in the present.

Maybe something like:

V3
I still remember
I stroked your auburn hair
And said a silent prayer
You'd hang on

V4
The fading embers
the light that left the room
fading all too soon
and you were gone

I like the chorus chords but feel you need to hit some very obvious tonal center notes. Starting on the low tonic amybe and climing right up the scale.

Ev(1)-ry(2)where(3) I(4) turn(5)... there(6) you(7) are(5)...

So maybe...

Does the second stanza need any reworking?

Lee, I'll see what I can do about the chorus walk up. I actually like what it does on "there you are", but the first bit might need touching up. Never overlook the possibility that my shoddy singing gets in the way as well.

Just had to stop deleting (hidden) spam and stick my head in to say how disappointed I was this wasn't about a haunted WWII era German medium range ballistic rocket.

On about your business...

Blue, that was the original idea.

A very small, but major rewrite:

I wanted to come in and call you out on writing another ballad... but it's too good. Really love the haunting melody on the verse. I'm not sure about the chords in the chorus... maybe Lee Knight has a point above. It seems slightly out of place... too major-ish. I'm talking about the first chorus... the second one seems more solid. Maybe the way your hitting the chords harder fixes the issue? Not sure... hmmmm.

I hope you keep this one really sparse... very nice start.

Thanks, Bee. Did you check out the first demo? That had less optimistic chords, though the melody and vocal was complete {censored}.

http://picosong.com/wMus

If you feel like checking that one out, tell me if the chords were a better match. I have to admit that the new happy chorus is really growing on me, and I think it will work ever better once I trim off a stanza in V2. I also think I need to add the bit at 2:51 to the first chorus.

I do plan on this being sparse, certainly a lot less than the stuff I've been producing lately.

OK, the more I ponder it, the more I think v2 is too weak. I'm leaning towards moving V3 up and finding something new for that spot.

Maybe circle back by opening V3 with "Our home is haunted"?

I'd greatly appreciate some feedback and/or ideas from the more talented wordsmiths.

Why did do you drop the original V.2? Did I miss something?

No. So, you like it?

To be clearer, it just felt like it wasn't as strong as the rest. If you disagree, let me know because it would mean this one is closer to done than I thought.

I see what you mean in that it could be improved a little. But I liked the basic structure, how it echoed the first verse, and led into the refrain. Maybe something like this?

All I wanted
was for you to stay
and spend another day
in the sun ???

Dammit! I just played it again and it sounds so much better with V3 replacing V2. The concrete imagery fulfills the "haunted" part better, deeping the feeling so the refrain makes more sense.

I'll keep the way it is now as a backup, but I'd really to get a new V3.

And that's the unexpected that I was hearing in my head in preference to knowing what was coming.
However - 'Don't listen to Oldgitplayers' applies just as much to me.....

Yeah, if this were a normal off-the-wall Justin song, I probably would have been happy to sneak that up on the listener. Not so much when I want it to be more of a love song with newly optimistic chorus.

BTW, you are a strong lyricist, do you have any ideas for a new third verse? Or do you agree with LCK that it doesn't need one?

Possible new

With old V2

Just had an AHA! moment. Without V2, I can go back to it being haunted while she is still alive. Sorry for using this thread as my scribble pad......

That might just be the ticket. Then in V3, I can fast forward a little to the period just after her passing.

Does that ring true for anyone else?

This is what works best for me :

V1 - Sets up the situation in the present suggesting past events that are no more

This house is haunted
By every word we said
By everything we did
Or should've done

V2 - Is a flashback to the events mentioned

All I wanted
Was just another day
Was just the chance to stay
With you

R
Everywhere I turn, there you are

V3 - Also a flashback to the events mentioned

Our song was playing
I stroked your auburn hair
And said a silent prayer
You'd hold on

R
Everywhere I turn, there you are