Suicidal, then Hospitalized, Electro Shock Treatment, Amnesia, Jobless, & Homeless.

[Ace Of Bass]

Is it worse feeling to be addicted to benzodiazapines and methylin or to not take them at all?

It's hard to believe I haven't posted here in over three years--my last post here also being about a recent trip to the nuthouse.

 

Last time, I knew some things needed to change in my life.

They didn't.

Sure, I got a {censored}load more medicine. Zoloft, Effexor, Wellbutrin, Lithium, Lexapro, Xanax, Trazodone, Ritalin, and Seroquel. Some of them even seem to work for a while. Ritalin's a sort of hybrid between amphetamine and cocaine--it kind of HAS to work--until it stops working at that does, and then eventually the doctors refuse to continue doubling the dosage every time you see them. But {censored} that. If I want to get out of bed and do something other than cry all day I need some pharmaceutical assistance, so more are taken. Only take them on an empty stomach if I want to feel any effect--easy enough since it takes away the urge to eat. Set my alarm an hour before I need to get up and set the pill and a glass of water next to my bed so they'll kick in by the time I actually need to get up. Don't ever remember taking them but the pills are gone by the second alarm so I guess it works. Eventually the glass of water by my bed gets replaced by a razor blade. It's amazing--you can actually notice yourself going from totally {censored}ing miserable to normal in just a few minutes. Really....NORMAL. I'm not talking about getting high or stoned off medicine. I'm talking about being able to get up and go to your job and talk to friends and actually be around other humans without being scared {censored}less of everthing around you. So now I've found a medicine that actually might work, but if anyone knew how much I took they'd never let me have any of it.

Hardly a solution. I knew it wouldn't last. Believe it or not, I really don't want to be a drug addict. I don't screw with any illegal drugs. So maybe I need to get my life together a bit more.

The next part I don't remember very well. Hardly remember any of it, in fact. From what I'm told, I must have gotten more depressed and suicidal than usual. I spent about a month in the hospital, during which time I received shock treatment nine times, getting the less common bifrontal shocks (straight through the frontal lobe) rather than the more common unilateral version (only on the non-dominant side), which can be more effective on some people, but has more severe side effects...such as amnesia.

Oh, and it also really, really, hurts! The pain's about the only part I remember (plus all those hospital bills for vicodin act as a nice reminder...)

I got both retrograde amnesia (Jason Bourne Amnesia) and anterograde amnesia (Memento Amnesia), but these luckily wore off within a few weeks....at least to some degree. I would have said my memory has completely returned, but after losing an argument today with two people, where I claimed I'd not seen any Leonardo DiCaprio movie since Blood Diamond, and they claimed I'd gone out with both of them to watch a movie in the theater last week, I'm inclined to think it might still be an issue.

(For the record, I didn't even know there was a movie named Inception out, and I can't tell you a damn thing about it--except that according to my friends, DiCaprio is in it. I wonder how many times I've actually been to see it?)

Eventually I started recognizing everyone again, and now if someone tells me something, there's a pretty good chance I'll remember it 5 minutes later.

Anyway, at some point I got released into my mother's care--I don't know how she ever found out about any of it or where I was, but she flew across the country to come get me. The doctors said I was not allowed to live alone anymore--I needed roommates who were close friends (better known as babysitters), according to the doctors. So, still pretty dazed, I packed up my things, put it into a storage unit, and drove a few hundred miles to live with some friends---the very rare kind of friends who would welcome me to live with them without thinking twice.

At that point I hadn't shown up to work for about 6 weeks, so it wasn't like I had to worry about giving 2 weeks notice. I dropped off my uniform with a note thanking them for the last 5 years of employment. Supposedly it's better to not have a very low paying job, as now I'm actually motivated to find a better job. Took me 7 years, but I finally graduated college, and really should get a job in that field.

So...if I can just work out a few details, maybe I'll actually be able to stay out of the psych ward a little longer this time. Hospital said I don't qualify for any financial assistance, but I wonder if the fact that I'm unemployed since I left might make them reconsider. It's not like I have any money to pay them anyway. Health insurance isn't exactly being my best friend either---they've sent me about 10 letters so far, questioning every test, procedure, injection, or whatever else I'd had in the hospital--as if I remember anything about it (not the the patients in a loony bin are known for making the greatest decisions anyway...) And they said I stayed longer than I needed to in the hospital, so they won't pay the last few days...As if I had a choice how long I stayed behind a locked door!

And of course, I'm on a new cocktail of medicines, which...well, they might be working for depression, at least. But they might also be killing me. I can't stop my hands from shaking, I get these weird spasms and twitches in my muscles, and every now and then for no reason my arm or leg will suddenly jerk outward.

Basically, I'm showing a lot of the symptoms of Seratonin Syndrome/Toxicity.

Which really isn't surprising because, basically, I'm taking a lot of the drugs which may cause it.

So those are the two main things on my to-do list: get a job and a doctor.

After that, things are a bit more open.

I want to get a band. I haven't played bass in about 4 years now (not since I stopped posting here) because I just haven't had the energy to pick on up and play it, but today I walked into a Guitar Center and jammed for a good long while until they threw me out because it was past closing time. And while I'm not nearly as good as I used to be, I think I can get back there, and hopefully become social enough to want to be in a band. Of course all my amps and everything are in storage back where I used to live, several hours away. I wasn't sure about how well basses hold up in non-climate controlled storage, when it's been hitting 102*F here, so all my basses (~12) are even farther away at another friend's house. I've got a cheap 6-string soundgear with me, a headphone amp and some set of AKG240s, so I can practice at least. Although, as of yet, I haven't taken the bass out of the case. I will, though. (Actually, maybe I have---I really wouldn't know). I feel different now. I pass by my bass in the corner of my room and think, "I need to play that," rather than acquiring the feeling of despair I used to get looking at them and realizing how long it's been since I played.

But now I'm getting a disparaging feeling of a different kind. I used to know so much about basses. Not to sound like a pompous ass, but I used to be able to easily list almost all the models from every major manufacturer, know what kind of pickups any bass came with, know who play what in which bands, and everything like that. Today I'm walking through GC looking at the basses and thinking, "I've never seen a bass like that before", or "When did this come out?" or "Why is this Ibanez really lightweight and have a funky smell?"

Some of it I've probably just forgotten.

Some of it might be the amnesia.

Some of it might even be coming back....I'll never REALLY be able to forget the smell of luthite.

But most of it is just that I've been out of the loop for so long.

What's changed? I'm thinking about basses, and it's depressing how little comes to mind--and how much of it is relevant anymore?

Is WishBass still supergluing bits of plywood together?

Does everyone here still think the best beginner bass is an SX with aftermarket pickups, bridge, neck, and body?

Are Bartolini pickups still the best?

Does EMG still only make active pickups?

Does Ed Roman still need Xanax more than I do?

Does Fender still have better Quality control on their Mexican basses than the American ones?

I used to post here a lot, and give lots of advice. I enjoyed doing that, answering questions, and helping n00bs. But everything I know is so outdated now. I looked through some of my older posts here, and found recommending some basses I'd thought highly of from places like Musicyo.com.....what ever happened to them? They site doesn't even seem to exist anymore.

 

So, in short.....

 

What have I missed?

[Cpt. Spliff]

... Does everyone here still think the best beginner bass is an SX with aftermarket pickups, bridge, neck, and body? ..... What have I missed?

 

You only missed aftermarket tuners.

 

As for the rest, I don't know what to say, except I hope you are on the mend and will get your {censored} together.

[rovito]

A member of my family is going through some of the same {censored} you went through. All I can ever think to tell them is to forget the {censored} from the past and work on making the future better. Hang in there, Play some mean bass lines that make you smile and find enjoyment anyway you can.

[Detox]

Here's all you need to know.. http://www.genzbenz.com/

 

Nowadays they're making amps that are seriously loud, astonishingly lightweight and could fit into a Karmann Ghia if that's what you drive to your gigs. There are at least a half dozen other companies making the same type of amps if you don't care for the G-Bs.

 

Not that these amps are going to solve all your current issues (tldr), but at least you won't have amp-related back pain on top of everything else.

 

Good luck and get better, there's plenty more stuff to GAS over out there.

[T. Alan Smith]

Good to hear from ya!

Keep your mind on the positive stuff in your life and learn to let the negative stuff just slide off you. Think about how your health effects the loved ones around you. Get better for their sakes. It's amazing how many people are effected by such an act as selfish as suicide.

[catphish]

Wow, welcome back man. Hope things turn around for you.

[jackcheez]

So, in short..... What have I missed?

You missed everybody getting banned for being smarmy.

[jasper383]

Hang in there. I went through a very similar situation 10 years ago (severe unipolar depression). What's your psychiatric diagnosis?

 

I had the myoclonic jerks from Depakote.

 

If you can keep at it, you will eventually get better, with meds, support, and time.

 

You have missed very little of note in the bass world these last few years. Lots of new gear, but the actual joy comes from playing and playing with others.

[The Lurker]

Yeah, you haven't missed much besides gear, and that's all fads anyways. The last time I spent much time on HC, everyone was tumescent over cheap stacks from Carvin.

[sunburstbasser]

I've been through depression. Not a good thing to go through, and I hope you can get through it.

 

Fender's USA stuff has gotten better the last few times I've played them. Gibson's electric guitars have gone to {censored} though.

[s4001]

Fender put out the Road Worn series in the most crass musical marketing move in recent decades - unfortunately they play and sound great.

[nocanplayatall]

Try Jesus