Members Ryan. Posted August 23, 2010 Members Share Posted August 23, 2010 Hey guys, this may be a no-no (I posted this in songwriting like 4 hours ago) but I'm posting this hear cause I know a lot of you hang out in here. Apparently the songwriting forum is dead. If this is not cool just let me know and I'll delete... Wrote half a song the other day. Got distracted and let it go for a bit. Would like some opinions on where to head with it... and against my usual routine, I'm going to post a crappy recording of it to give you an idea of the style (which is far of anything our band has ever done.) Please excuse the bad version, it is getting much better... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VP752lijZ_c Here are the lyrics. My question is: where would you take the lyrics from here. I'm either thinking of writing the girls side of the story, or just continuing with the guys side... She said its not for very long,Just gotta catch her breath, she Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Vito Corleone Posted August 23, 2010 Members Share Posted August 23, 2010 Hey guys, this may be a no-no (I posted this in songwriting like 4 hours ago) but I'm posting this hear cause I know a lot of you hang out in here. Apparently the songwriting forum is dead. If this is not cool just let me know and I'll delete... Wrote half a song the other day. Got distracted and let it go for a bit. Would like some opinions on where to head with it... and against my usual routine, I'm going to post a crappy recording of it to give you an idea of the style (which is far of anything our band has ever done.) Please excuse the bad version, it is getting much better... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VP752lijZ_c Here are the lyrics. My question is: where would you take the lyrics from here. I'm either thinking of writing the girls side of the story, or just continuing with the guys side... She said its not for very long,Just gotta catch her breath, she Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Ryan. Posted August 23, 2010 Author Members Share Posted August 23, 2010 Stay with the guys' side. Thanks Guido! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ChordGirl Posted August 23, 2010 Members Share Posted August 23, 2010 I usually don't comment on songs in the songwriting forum, because inevitably, I piss someone off. However, since this is your 666th post, and it's in backstage with the band, here goes nothing... This song has a ton of potential, imo. It's catchy. However, I really don't like the direction you go with the melody line part where you say "California bleeds without you," although I do like the lyric itself. That part sounds forced and out of place to me, and could be remedied, imo. The lyric is strong enough, imo, that you don't necessarily need to emphasize it to the degree that you are. The rest of the melody seems to flow, and I like the chord progression and delivery of the rest (outside of some real pitch issues, which will probably improve greatly, when you get the melody line/lyrics set in stone). This is my opinion. As for lyrical direction, you could approach it many ways. You could shift perspectives, you could talk about where she went, where she wants to go, what she's looking for, how she came to leave, what made her the way she is, the circumstances involved..... etc, etc. etc. You could base it on the color purple. ...so many options. Edit: If you stay with the guys side, replace 'she' with 'you' for most of them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Ryan. Posted August 23, 2010 Author Members Share Posted August 23, 2010 I usually don't comment on songs in the songwriting forum, because inevitably, I piss someone off. However, since this is your 666th post, and it's in backstage with the band, here goes nothing... This song has a ton of potential, imo. It's catchy. However, I really don't like the direction you go with the melody line part where you say "California bleeds without you," although I do like the lyric itself. That part sounds forced and out of place to me, and could be remedied, imo. The lyric is strong enough, imo, that you don't necessarily need to emphasize it to the degree that you are. The rest of the melody seems to flow, and I like the chord progression and delivery of the rest (outside of some real pitch issues, which will probably improve greatly, when you get the melody line/lyrics set in stone). This is my opinion. As for lyrical direction, you could approach it many ways. You could shift perspectives, you could talk about where she went, where she wants to go, what she's looking for, how she came to leave, what made her the way she is, the circumstances involved..... etc, etc. etc. You could base it on the color purple. ...so many options. Edit: If you stay with the guys side, replace 'she' with 'you' for most of them. Thanks CG, funny I was just reading your thread about your C barred chord issues, and was finding that helpful, then I come back here to find even more help! Haha. I really like the California bleeds with out you bit... (to be honest I was challenged by the band to write something thats poppy and could fit on a soundtrack/TV program...) I'll have to think about where in the song it might fit better. This is my first time writing something without a ton of powerchords and simple melodies so I appreciate the help. And don't worry about hurting my feelings, I get bashed to a pulp almost every day in Live Sound, so I can take the criticism in stride. Thanks again! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ChordGirl Posted August 23, 2010 Members Share Posted August 23, 2010 Thanks CG, funny I was just reading your thread about your C barred chord issues, and was finding that helpful, then I come back here to find even more help! Haha. I really like the California bleeds with out you bit... (to be honest I was challenged by the band to write something thats poppy and could fit on a soundtrack/TV program...) I'll have to think about where in the song it might fit better. Yeah, those guys in LL were awesome! About the 'California bleeds without you' part.... It's just an opinion. I'm suggesting you leave the lyric where it is, and change the melody and/or rhythm of the melody under it. But like I said, it's just an opinion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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