Members mbfrancis Posted July 2, 2015 Members Share Posted July 2, 2015 Happy (feels like) Friday! Been messing around remastering old cassette recordings and this came out pretty well. I was 15, so don't look for coherence, but there's plenty of teen angst: http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=13158922 Actually I quite like this a lot, but I wouldn't even know how to re-write it. Any ideas? “Visionaries” My heart was beating faster as I fell into the bedPut my head into my hands as visions crashed into my headI saw the top I saw the bottom saw the start and saw the endPut my head into my hands as I fall apart again I look outside my window and stars fall from the skySometimes I catch my own reflection and I wish that I could dieI see the lights out on the city and they make me feel aloneCause it’s been so long since the day I ran away from home Sometimes I stop and think and try to turn it all aroundBut then my heart starts beating faster and I stumble to the groundFeeling dizzy from the world and life’s merry-go-round [keyboard solo!] My heart was beating faster as I drifted off to sleepAfter breaking all the promises I swore that I would keepMy innocence was lost and all my faith would soon be goneI’d been betrayed by all the things that I'd believed in for so long. The window is all fogged up I can’t even see outsideSeparated from the world that made me run away and hideI dim the lights inside my room and quickly fade awayHoping I’d be there to wake and see another day Everyone is running round in circles all the timeShould I follow someone else’s path or try to stay with mineAm I running out of luck or just running out of time? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted July 3, 2015 Members Share Posted July 3, 2015 Interesting to hear an early song by you. The tune is kind of monotonous but it's very catchy. As soon as the track was over, it kept repeating in my head. It still is... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted July 4, 2015 Moderators Share Posted July 4, 2015 I love the lyric. Angsty, yes... but a lot if it, almost all of it really, has the ring of truth to it. And that is ALWAYS welcome in my book. You could tone down some if the adolescent leanings I suppose. For me, I think the most fruitful work might be aimed at the melody, both pitch and rhythm, and its chordal movement. Creating more of a ride of tension and release in the internal, immediate phrases, then the verse arc, then the overall arc. That is if you were truly interested in workshopping this. It IS worth it in my opinion. I do realize however we can't always do that. Return home so to speak. good stuff, especially considering your age at the time. Remarkable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted July 4, 2015 Author Members Share Posted July 4, 2015 Thanks both for the feedback, very appreciated. I wonder LCK, with not hook, what's catchy to you - the melody which repeats ad naseum? Lee your input is very useful and points a way out I think. It feels like I should write it for a teenage singer, not me, and that might help - I would never write the lines here today. Update with guitars and bass but a fat electro beat and have a teenager sing. Needs a chorus. Happy Fourth, all! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted July 6, 2015 Members Share Posted July 6, 2015 LCK, with not hook, what's catchy to you - the melody which repeats ad naseum? Yes. But I wouldn't say ad nauseam. It repeats until it becomes very catchy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members nat whilk II Posted July 7, 2015 Members Share Posted July 7, 2015 It's not a world-beater of a tune, but it's catchy and propels itself along very nicely. Obviously it's drenched in 80s vibe, but if I were going to redo it, I'd slow it down just a bit and think about how the Kinks would sound covering it - more organic, get some acoustic instruments in there, vary the dynamics, put some full or partial stops in there at a key moment or two, etc., a breakdown or two. Keep it low key - not a rocker or a rafter rattler at all. The most monotonous thing to me is the unvarying drum machine groove. The simple basic pattern is ok, but it's too upfront and relentless after a while. Maybe it could just tick along as is at a lower volume, but add some other little perc parts - shakers or blocks or drum machine blips and bops. For a chorus, something super simple, maybe just 1 - 3 words and some simple harmony "ahhs" or "mmms". Or even something that is a comment on the song, like you see....that was me....in eighty-threeeeee The right vocal delivery would be key. Female, I'm thinking. Not gloomy or addled like trip-hop, but simple and sad, like a young Suzanne Vega. If the vocal sounds quite young, the lyrics won't need much tweaking - they do sound young, sincere, unsophisticated, green. Which is something that can be extremely appealing. nat whilk ii Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted July 7, 2015 Author Members Share Posted July 7, 2015 @Nat that's fantastic feedback. Female singer, yes. Stop for a refrain, yes. Have refrain comment on the story, yes, how about: That's the way it seemed (seems)when you're seventeensomething something something somethingin your teenage dream (dreams) (Too bad 'Teenage Dream' is taken.) Looking at the lyric again, another option might be to make some minor modifications and deepen it a bit, by placing her in someone else's room?. My heart was beating faster as I fell into the bedPut my head into my hands as visions crashed into my headI saw the top I saw the bottom saw the start and saw the endPut my head into my hands and thought, "well, here we go again' I look outside the window for a star to break the sky Sometimes I catch my own reflection and pretend that I'm not cryin'a million people in the city and I still feel so aloneCause you bring yourself even when you run away from home Each time I stop and try to think and turn it all aroundthis useless heart starts beating faster and I stumble to the groundFeeling dizzy from the air and life’s merry-go-round.. CHORUSThat's the way it seems / when you'e 17...... What do you guys think? Maybe call it "This Useless Heart"... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted July 7, 2015 Members Share Posted July 7, 2015 Nice! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted July 7, 2015 Members Share Posted July 7, 2015 Yes - you've made a good decisive move forward. It shifts the 'feel' into a different place. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rickidoo Posted July 14, 2015 Members Share Posted July 14, 2015 I really like the easy going feel of the music. I am listening as if it were redone in my header with better instruments and more modern arrangements. So, I think at the core it's pretty catchy. Probably what is needed next to shake things up a bit with a contrasting bridge or something to break up the repetition of the music. Age 15, eh? Pretty darn good. Rick Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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