Members nat whilk II Posted December 6, 2014 Members Share Posted December 6, 2014 I posted the lyrics-in-process for this one some months back. I've started a whole bunch of versions, but they all sucked because I hadn't warmed up my piano chops enough to just play the dang thing competently. I will grant myself that the tune is something of a performance challenge - so I've been playing it daily just piano and vox for some time now and it's close. Some clams in the opening vocal, but I'll re-do the intro later. Added the organ on the right side today. The piano is quite compressed - too much? https://soundcloud.com/natwhilkii1/what-to-do What To Do I know you’re sorryI’m sorry tooAnd you’re not happythat's both of us bluejust what are we going to do? so much seems lost nowwhere'd it all go?I just don't know howthings got so lowwhat will be left when we’re through? me & you.me & youwhat to do, what to do, what to do V2one year comesanother one goesit's a finite situationeverybody knowsand there's things that we'd both like to do here's my suggestion, if we’reup to the taskface the simple questionwe’ve got to askis this worth what it's putting us through? Bridgeshall I /throw a fitshout a bitwave my arms around awhile andscream “I quit!” or shall Ijust insteadleave it all unsaid,skip the melodrama and justtake myself on up to bed? See this old photo I foundstuck in a drawerwe hardly resemble those smiling faces anymorelike a picture of friends we once knew I get this urge toclean out the placelike that might purge someancient disgraceyou know I need something to dowhile I considerworry,obsess, over me & youme & youour little zoome & youwhat to dowish I knewrepeat to fade out nat whilk ii Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members DonnaMarilyn Posted December 6, 2014 Members Share Posted December 6, 2014 I'll leave music-related technical comments to others. But to me, this sounds wonderful. Well phrased, lots of emotion. Compelling melody and vocals, good lyric (I especially like the imagery in the 'urge'/'purge' verse). One small nit - if I may mention it - regards the use of 'just' twice in what I assume is V3. Would it screw up the melody to drop one 'just' (or even both)? You already have 'just' twice in V1. Seems a lot of valuable real estate to give to a filler word. Another small nit (now that I'm on a roll ): The notion of resembling smiling faces seems a little odd. Perhaps something like 'we hardly resemble those smiling people anymore'? I apologise if I've spoken out of turn here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members nat whilk II Posted December 6, 2014 Author Members Share Posted December 6, 2014 I'll leave music-related technical comments to others. But to me, this sounds wonderful. Well phrased, lots of emotion. Compelling melody and vocals, good lyric (I especially like the imagery in the 'urge'/'purge' verse). One small nit - if I may mention it - regards the use of 'just' twice in what I assume is V3. Would it screw up the melody to drop one 'just' (or even both)? You already have 'just' twice in V1. Seems a lot of valuable real estate to give to a filler word. Another small nit (now that I'm on a roll ): The notion of resembling smiling faces seems a little odd. Perhaps something like 'we hardly resemble those smiling people anymore'? I apologise if I've spoken out of turn here. No way you're out of turn....thanks for the close reading. Yes, I do get sloppy with "just" and other place-holder type words quite often in my lyrics. They provide syllables where I want something to sound for the sake of the rhythm and phrasing, but they are dead weight too often in terms of meaning. The 2nd "just" in vs 1 can be jettisoned easily. The other two seem to actually be functional enough to leave in there. The next song I write I'm going to make a list of my usual suspects of filler words - "just", "really", "kind of" and so on, and consciously leave them out from the get-go. The "resembling faces" phrase doesn't bother me...it draws attention to the photo with faces looking back...it is I suppose a bit unusual, but it's definitely something I would say in conversation. Maybe it's a Texas sort of slight misuse...if so, I'll own it. Anyway, thanks for the comments - nat whilk ii Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted December 6, 2014 Members Share Posted December 6, 2014 Nicely done. I'm getting some Randy Newman and Tom Waits influences, with maybe a little Elvis Costello, but in the end it's your own song. A few things about the lyric: The use of the word "do" in the first verse, and its repetitiveness as part of the tag line, is good. However, it seems a bit "lazy" to me to repeat it in the places I've put in bold. I know the song is titled "What to Do," but the iterations "we'd both like to do" and "I need something to do" take some of the zing and spark out of the lyric. The rest of the lyric is stellar. and there's things that we'd both like to do you know I need something to do Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members nat whilk II Posted December 6, 2014 Author Members Share Posted December 6, 2014 Nicely done. I'm getting some Randy Newman and Tom Waits influences, with maybe a little Elvis Costello, but in the end it's your own song. A few things about the lyric: The use of the word "do" in the first verse, and its repetitiveness as part of the tag line, is good. However, it seems a bit "lazy" to me to repeat it in the places I've put in bold. I know the song is titled "What to Do," but the iterations "we'd both like to do" and "I need something to do" take some of the zing and spark out of the lyric. The rest of the lyric is stellar. and there's things that we'd both like to do you know I need something to do I am a huge Randy Newman fan. Also a Leon Russell fan, and I've lifted more style tricks I think from Leon in the long run. I hear what you're saying about maybe running to "do's" to excess. However in the lines you've cited, the lines as is say exactly what I wanted to say about the situation and the narrator's compulsive brooding over and over and over again the same old round of dismal "stuckness". Of course, here I am explaining my own lyric, which should be unnecessary if it worked better....I'll have to brood over your suggestion...compulsively, of course Thanks as usual for seeing stuff I would never see without another pair of eyes helping out. nat whilk ii Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members AlamoJoe Posted December 6, 2014 Members Share Posted December 6, 2014 I like it a lot Nat...No critique here because I'm not a keyboard player past rudimentary. But I like the tune a lot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted December 6, 2014 Members Share Posted December 6, 2014 I am a huge Randy Newman fan. Also a Leon Russell fan, and I've lifted more style tricks I think from Leon in the long run. Good choices! Leon's an amazing writer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tbry Posted December 6, 2014 Members Share Posted December 6, 2014 Nice styling...your voice has a quality that is engaging...no nits from me and now I have listen to two of your songs. Who will understand and this....good playing. I guess I am not the only one that has to play the darn thing a million times before it gets close. I try to play it all the way through as if I was at the local pub playing because my punch in recording ability is non existent....Good work! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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