Moderators Lee Knight Posted October 6, 2014 Moderators Share Posted October 6, 2014 Thanks for the response, Lee. I'm not overly concerned with rhyme, but it was nice that shade/cliche paired up. I thought about just replacing it with "shadows" but a two syllable word doesn't sit right with what I'm doing melodically. Of course, I'm not sold at all on what I'm doing so I that might be adaptable around a better lyric. Was the implied statement in your question that "shade" isn't working? Or was that just a reaction to my concern? And do you think I have more time to get to the chorus? That was another concern, whether V1 is dragging. If not, I'd certainly be open to stretching that out, maybe with a pre-chorus if I can find one. Re: She said, I do that for the most part, except prior to the "cliche" line, which I thought made it pretty clear who was speaking. Do you think it needs to be said? I haven't listened so take my comments with a grain of salt. Shadow doesn't feel right in that spot. She said seems to be needed but on listening I may feel otherwise. So... what are you saying? That she's evil? And you like it? Or something else? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted October 7, 2014 Author Members Share Posted October 7, 2014 Lee, think of her as the cliched bad influence helping someone who's too uptight learn to live a little freer. As for the melody, I ditched the prior verse, but tried pilfering a bridge to turn it into a replacement verse and like it. The lyrics changed to this. Does this retain the cool vibe I was getting earlier? V1You think you're on to me, she saidYou think you figured out my gameBut I'm not ploying and I'm not toying with youI just want you to stay You think you're drawn to meLike a moth to a flameBut I'm nobody's light and you're nobody's victim tooYes we're the sameWe are... CShadows...XXXXXXXShadowsShadows....XXXXXXShadows.... V2What does that even mean, I askedWouldn't that make us need the sun even more?No you can't have the dark without any lightAt least that's what I'm told Silly boy, silly boyDo you believe every word they say?WE shadows don't scatter into the nightNo, that's when we come out and play C So, if this works, I just need a "surrender" bridge and two killer lines in the chorus. One of them should be something about breaking against the grain in some manner. Thanks for any feedback. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted October 7, 2014 Members Share Posted October 7, 2014 I really like the second half of v2. But should it be 'We shadows don't scatter..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted October 7, 2014 Author Members Share Posted October 7, 2014 If it should be, then it is. Thanks, Bee. I think this draft captured the conversation snippet posted on page one that inspired this direction. Playing with it makes me feel like the verse matches the chorus a lot better now as well. Hopefully I'll have some crappy demo up within a few days. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tbry Posted October 7, 2014 Members Share Posted October 7, 2014 Shadows...XXXXXXX We walk in the lightShadowsShadows....XXXXXX But come alive in the nightShadows.... Hope you don't mind my popping in like this and throwing stuff out... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted October 7, 2014 Author Members Share Posted October 7, 2014 Mind? Of course not! That's what I'm here for! I like "come alive at night" and may use it. Thanks! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted October 8, 2014 Members Share Posted October 8, 2014 I like all the iterations of this song, all the lyrics - I'm going to hold off until you finish a complete draft 100%, which I think you should lock yourself up and do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted October 8, 2014 Members Share Posted October 8, 2014 I love this. ? +1. The only thing that "sticks out" for me is the cliches line. But I haven't listened to the demo yet. I often wish you'd post new demos on the same page as the new lyric rather than have us navigate back to the top of the thread. YMMV. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted October 8, 2014 Author Members Share Posted October 8, 2014 +1. The only thing that "sticks out" for me is the cliches line. But I haven't listened to the demo yet. I often wish you'd post new demos on the same page as the new lyric rather than have us navigate back to the top of the thread. YMMV. I do. I almost always post the lyric whenever I post a demo, and usually bring the updated lyric into the first post. I didn't bother this time because I so quickly decided the demo was crap. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted October 8, 2014 Members Share Posted October 8, 2014 I do. I almost always post the lyric whenever I post a demo, and usually bring the updated lyric into the first post. Yeah, I don't get why you do that. It makes it harder for me to follow the thread. Plus, I always like to have the original lyric to compare to the newer versions, etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted October 9, 2014 Author Members Share Posted October 9, 2014 Yeah, I don't get why you do that. It makes it harder for me to follow the thread. Plus, I always like to have the original lyric to compare to the newer versions, etc. Hmmmmm... I always leave the original as well. I thought that was the way people liked it around here, the update on top with the original down below. The problem with my threads is I go in so many different directions. In this thread alone I posted an idea, then a slight change, then another change to a set of music... then another change when I decided that music wasn't working. I think reading my threads backwards would be more productive. I should probably give myself a full day requirement before offering up ideas, but the problem is that a lot of times I don't realize I hate something until I post it here. I'll post a reboot once I get a demo of the new idea. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.