June Challenge - Ravenhurst Road

[Lee Knight]

Ooo... I love that outro. I got to use it

[oldgitplayer]

You do realise that it was the Bridge in the previous draft????

[Lee Knight]

You do realise that it was the Bridge in the previous draft????

 

To be honest I've completely ignored the bridge up to this point to get the verse/chorus relationship working. That's funny! The reason I see it now is because it's in a useful place for what I'm hearing. With the complexity of the verse and chorus I would imagine the need for a bridge to be pretty low. That chorus, if I can get it right, is going to be almost like a pre and a chorus, but I want to try to really make it one and not two distinct sections. That adds complexity for the listener. A heavily worded bridge might be too much.

 

????

 

Or nooaught!

 

[oldgitplayer]

^^^ I'm happy with it either as a Bridge or an Outro.

Don't ever let it be said that I would flirt with another man's Muse…...

[Lee Knight]

Here are some lyric (and a few arrangement) ideas that I want to run by Phil and the crew before getting too deep into production phase 1. The ideas I have for arrangement and basic performance don't really facilitate me in doing a quick guitar/voice YouTube as usual. So let me be clear, the lyric ideas are not corrective as much as to allow the music in my head to work with that lyric. Some (very few) are to sound more conversational and simpatico with the music style...

 

Pleas advise if things seem out of hand.

 

Intro

Turn off the village high street (spoken a la 10cc's "Big boys don't cry..." by my wife, a very good Brit VO talent)

Down Ravenhurst Road (sung with the hook groove and all its accoutrements as the intro)

 

(breaking down to a muted 4 on the floor kick, soft. No snare.)

V1

Past bright and friendly houses

Kept with love and care

To a small, red brick, Victorian (orig: To a small Victorian red brick school)

No-one noticed/saw/? the children there (And the unloved children there (No-one loved the children there)

The classrooms dark and catholic

Stacked with silent load

Facts were taught with the stick (Facts were taught us with the stick. Ditching "us" allows sprighter rhythm per cadence)

In Ravenhurst Road

 

(lifting to full beat and backing)

Chorus

Leaning on the desktop

Dreaming in the class

A boy holds on to what he’s got

And grows up fast (And grows up fairly fast)

In a sea of possibility (In seas of possibility. I love this but it is impossible to sing for my cadence so I revert to the more obvious)

The river(s)/levee overflowed (He finds his new abode. I love this too but I love working the water theme below)

And this boy swam the waters (waters... waters... An effect to highlight water and journey)

In Ravenhurst Road ("Road" turns into Ro-oh-oh... Ravernhurst Road. The big title hook)

 

(dropping down but now with snare figure introduced)

V2

The Fathers and the Brothers

With Irish names (With hoary Irish names. A bit much for the current cadence)

Thought that boys were born in sin

So plied their Jesus game

With Holy Ghost and Mary

Standing in the line

We mumbled meaning with their words (We mumbled meaning with their words. Trading their for the is better rhythm per cadence)

And served our time (And served our childhood time. KISS, keep it simple Satchmo. And keep it punchy!)

 

Chorus2

 

Outro

Now the school has gone

Its ghost won't haunt me anymore (Its ghost haunts me no more. Keep it conversational and punchy)

The bruises 'cross the backside of our hands... (The scars that build our character. Less used "bruises" bringing a visceral feel, and elongate per arrangement)

Sometime(s) open doors... (Here... a bridge in retrospect may be the right idea after C2. "open doors" could lead into a sweeping instrumental section alluding to the vast unexplored future, which then leads into a final chorus. Then using it again as the outro with wifey Brit VO a la "Big boys don't cry" 10cc lift overlaying musical outro)

 

 

Or something like that. Lots of ideas for you to chew on. Chew away...

[oldgitplayer]

All good thinking Mr K.

I'll be looking at a couple of the spots that you've highlighted.

 

Question : Would you prefer line 4 of V1 to be reduced to 5 syllables like line 2? - I can't tell without hearing what you are proposing, but that stands out as a potential problem.

 

I like your idea of enhancing the watery metaphor in the chorus, but after having introducing the sea, I think it should be something like:

 

Chorus

Leaning on the desktop

Dreaming in the class

A boy holds on to what he’s got

And grows up fast

To a sea of possibility

Unknown rivers flowed

And this boy swam the waters

In Ravenhurst Road

 

I'm going to re-look at the Outro because as you rightly say, the last line feels like it wants to lead in to something, whereas the first line is signalling an end. And you can't really say backsides of our hands, because in Britland, 'backside' means 'bum', 'buttocks', bottom, BTM.

 

You seem to have a handle on all of this - it's great.

 

 

[LCK]

Nice (meaning those are some great changes).

 

That said, I think this -- "With Irish names" -- needs an extra word. (The second line, first verse, has 5 beats; this has 4.) You're right that hoary doesn't work, certainly not when sung. I mean it looks fabulous on the page, I mean, yeah, wow!

 

But sung? "With whorey Irish names...?" Oops...

 

Maybe "All with Irish names..." ?

[Lee Knight]

All good thinking Mr K. I'll be looking at a couple of the spots that you've highlighted. Question : Would you prefer line 4 of V1 to be reduced to 5 syllables like line 2? - I can't tell without hearing what you are proposing, but that stands out as a potential problem. I like your idea of enhancing the watery metaphor in the chorus, but after having introducing the sea, I think it should be something like: Chorus Leaning on the desktop Dreaming in the class A boy holds on to what he’s got And grows up fast To a sea of possibility Unknown rivers flowed And this boy swam the waters In Ravenhurst Road I'm going to re-look at the Outro because as you rightly say, the last line feels like it wants to lead in to something, whereas the first line is signalling an end. And you can't really say backsides of our hands, because in Britland, 'backside' means 'bum', 'buttocks', bottom, BTM. You seem to have a handle on all of this - it's great.

With regard to the syllable count in line for it's not really the syllable count. Unloved has an odd stress with my melody. It's a bit of a floaty word when sung. The meaning isn't apparent to the ear. On paper it's great. Your change on the river line is fantastic. I love that. I'll look closer to all you mentioned in your post tomorrow morning over coffee and a clear head. This hard cider is hard. :-)

[Lee Knight]

Nice (meaning those are some great changes). That said, I think this -- "With Irish names" -- needs an extra word. (The second line, first verse, has 5 beats; this has 4.) You're right that hoary doesn't work, certainly not when sung. I mean it looks fabulous on the page, I mean, yeah, wow! But sung? "With whorey Irish names...?" Oops... Maybe "All with Irish names..." ?

All with Irish names is great. Yeah the lack of those syllables works okay by changing the melody a little bit but I like what you've done there Lee. Nice

[oldgitplayer]

So with the good feedback from Lee and Lee, I've shifted the lyric a little. There's both meaning and prosody that has been considered.

As I don't have your music as reference, I'm still working with my own cadence.

You'll see I sustained the watery metaphor in the Outro.

See how it goes. I'm still happy to make further changes.

 

Ravenhurst Road June 2014

 

Intro

Turn off the village high street

Down Ravenhurst Road

 

V1

Past bright and friendly houses

Kept with love and care

To a small red brick Victorian

You won’t find love there

The classrooms dark and catholic

Stacked with silent load

Facts were taught with the stick

In Ravenhurst Road

 

Chorus

Leaning on the desktop

Dreaming in the class

A boy holds on to what he’s got

And grows up really fast

To seas of possibility

Unknown rivers flowed

And this boy swam the waters

In Ravenhurst Road

 

V2

The Fathers and the Brothers

All with Irish names

Thought that boys were born in sin

So plied their Jesus game

With Holy Ghost and Mary

Standing in the line

Mumbling meaning with their words

We served our childhood time.

 

Chorus

Leaning on the desktop

Dreaming in the class

A boy holds on to what he’s got

And grows up really fast

To seas of possibility

Unknown rivers flowed

And this boy swam the waters

In Ravenhurst Road

 

Outro

Now the school has gone

Its ghost haunts him no more

The turning tide of innocence

Washed him to new shores

[oldgitplayer]

And he walked into the Sistine Chapel seeking out the lone figure amongst the scaffolding below the ceiling.

"When will it be finished Michelangelo?" he called upwards.

"When it is done" came the reply from an invisible source amidst the painted clouds of heavenly hosts.

 

Just checking in Mr K …...

[Lee Knight]

And he walked into the Sistine Chapel seeking out the lone figure amongst the scaffolding below the ceiling.

"When will it be finished Michelangelo?" he called upwards.

"When it is done" came the reply from an invisible source amidst the painted clouds of heavenly hosts.

 

Just checking in Mr K …...

 

Um... I've gone into the studio several times and each time I get... I don't know. I have not tracked a single thing. And yet the song is coming together in my head. Sorry, Phil. Maybe I can hide away tonight in the studio.

 

 

[oldgitplayer]

No apology needed Lee - I have no expectations time-wise. It obviously needs a bit more time for the yeast to leaven the dough.

[Lee Knight]

I got in there today and tracked doubled mandolin and banjo for a simple instrumental hook. I'm working an odd way round on this one but I'm liking it. I'll probably stay up way too late in there tonight. Work tomorrow? Pffft. This is fun...

[Lee Knight]

I know I've got a fever and flu. Nonetheless I took a little time to track some mandolins, double tracked, for a chorus. I'm going to try and sing some in this crazy state and see where I'm at right now. I really need to post something and get some feedback from my cowriter here. This overworking and getting sick is no fun, let me tell you. I just want to write tunes. :-)

[oldgitplayer]

Crazy states are good - I look forward to being taken to the brink - and back again.