Members nat whilk II Posted June 6, 2014 Members Share Posted June 6, 2014 Just to commit myself so I obligate myself to follow up and finish up, here's the scribblings so far on this song about a Place - A.M. Texas (these are basically notes I'm compiling to later sort and pick and tweak)(slowish acoustic guitar - don't really want to twang this one out country style - I might steal a vibe from Tom Waits maybe....we'll see...all is in flux.. Heads kinda hurtsStomach kinda sourGotta hit I-10way before the early A.M. Texas rush hour Early morning Houston, air is thick and warmcars and trucks and drivers start to swarm [storm] east beyond the channel,sky begins to glowthrough the haze of burnofflow clouds rolling slow crack the dirty windowthe air is almost cooldamp and saturated withevaporated fuel there's an empty school busholding down the right lanecrazy banging yellow boxstreaked with last year's dirty rain a beemer black as secretscheats it's way from lane to laneA tiny rusted Nissan holds a family in it's cagebut it's guys in trucksguys in trucksguys in trucksguys in truckspounding down the blacktopin a rage and the signs flat spreadout same as everinsurance sold by a trustworthy faceradio stations, car lots, pest control, beer,fast food, politicians, attorneys win for you,palmistry and advertising works,liquor pirate, you'd be home if you lived here...(thanks for the warning) nat whilk ii Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted June 6, 2014 Members Share Posted June 6, 2014 It's a good start.As I read through, your lines, a beemer black as secrets cheats it's way from lane to lane, jumped up and made me attentive.Cool metaphor, but unfortunately the only one. Either it will be out of place or you might do more than the straight descriptive narrative that precedes these lines. Then again, the subject matter may be more straight descriptive narrative material.A Beema black as secrets could be a Dylan Thomas line in 'Under Houston' if he was writing it today. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted June 6, 2014 Members Share Posted June 6, 2014 Wow. This is fan-freaking-tastic. These two quatrains are especially inspired. crack the dirty windowthe air is almost cooldamp and saturated withevaporated fuel there's an empty school busholding down the right lanecrazy banging yellow boxstreaked with last year's dirty rain Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted June 6, 2014 Members Share Posted June 6, 2014 Having seen what LCK has identified - the style of those 2 verses feels absolutely right for the subject matter.As much as I loved the Beema metaphor, it probably belongs in another context. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted June 6, 2014 Members Share Posted June 6, 2014 Having seen what LCK has identified - the style of those 2 verses feels absolutely right for the subject matter. As much as I loved the Beema metaphor, it probably belongs in another context. I hate to keep disagreeing with you, but it seems necessary here. The Beemer and Nissan do belong in another context, and that's the point of them being there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted June 6, 2014 Members Share Posted June 6, 2014 I hate to keep disagreeing with you, but it seems necessary here. The Beemer and Nissan do belong in another context, and that's the point of them being there. That's all right - I need to be disagreed with, especially because I'm not doing much in the way of word smithery of late, and I need to dust that broom. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rickidoo Posted June 6, 2014 Members Share Posted June 6, 2014 OK, I am always hesitant to comment on good lyrics 'cause well... ya know. I love the imagery. It's like a video in a song. I can see and hear everything you are describing, and I think that is superior. It's a definite WOW in that regard. But I feel it needs something to make it more personal - to bring the wonderful imagery back to the listener. I'll call on Sir Paul to give a specific example... ==========================In Penny Lane there is a barber showing photographsOf every head he's had the pleasure to knowAnd all the people that come and goStop and say hello On the corner is a banker with a motorcarThe little children laugh at him behind his backAnd the banker never wears a mackIn the pouring rain, very strange .... and then: Penny Lane is in my ears and in my eyesA four of fish and finger piesIn summer, meanwhile back =================================== The line "Penny Lane is in my ears and in my eyes", I feel, is what makes the whole song work. Sir Paul artfully describes Penny Lane throughout the song in detail. But then he throws that line in "Penny Lane is in my ears and in my eyes", where he refocuses it on the singer, and consequently, on the listener. I think your song can go toe-to-toe with Penny Lane in the imagery department. All it needs to be an equal, lyrics wise, is something to make it personal for the listener. Just a recurring line or two. Rick Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted June 6, 2014 Moderators Share Posted June 6, 2014 It's wonderful. Really. I do, however, fear there might be a bit of similarity to Tom Wait's/Eagles song Ol' 55. Yours is plenty of its own thing. So really, I mention it so you might be aware and nix any things you might have inadvertently let in through unfiltered inspiration. I can say this so candidly to you because it happens to me all the time. no insinuation, only empathy. OK... with that out of the way... ...let me reiterate. This is freaking cool writing. To Rick's point. I wholeheartedly agree. So, while I would take care to rid it of any accidental or even coincidental Ol' 55 lifts, I would instill it with something from Ol' 55; A reason for this wonderful descriptive narrative. As it stands, you have a FANTASTIC description. Now sprinkle it with a reason. There is an overwhelmingly negative color to the description. So maybe let us in on that. Just a hint. It sounds like you're leaving? Why? You got fired. You're leaving your wife You don't like open carry ( ) You're tired of urban hicks You're just tired of Texas You're not leaving but wish you were? I do think Rick has a valid point. "There's no reason... just tired of A.M. Texas" Anything to tie it to you. In Wait's case he was describing that glorious feeling of waking up and hitting the highway after either simply getting laid or sharing love. We all know that one. It's enough to last a lifetime. So, what is happening with you in this? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted June 6, 2014 Members Share Posted June 6, 2014 It's wonderful. Really. I do' date=' however, fear there might be a bit of similarity to Tom Wait's/Eagles song Ol' 55. Yours is plenty of its own thing. So really, I mention it so you might be aware and nix any things you might have inadvertently let in through unfiltered inspiration.[/quote'] Hmmm. Well that never occurred to me, and I'm not sure there's that much of a connection. Well the time went so quickly, I went lickety-splitly Out to my ol' '55. Pulled away slowly, Feelin' so holy God knows I was feelin' alive. And now the sun's comin' up I'm ridin' with Lady Luck Freeway cars and trucks Stars beginning to fade And I lead the parade Just a wishin' I'd stayed a little longer Oh Lord, that feeling's gettin' stronger. Now it's six in the mornin', gave me no warnin' I had to be on my way Lights passin' and trucks are flashin' I'm on my way home from your place. And now the sun's comin' up I'm ridin' with Lady Luck Freeway cars and trucks... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted June 6, 2014 Moderators Share Posted June 6, 2014 In my attempt to be clear I overstated. The morning hour and "cars and trucks". Those things brought to mind Ol' 55. When someone tells me the same I just scan my work to be sure. That was all I was saying. Be sure you didn't. No insinuation on my part. This is great writing. Sorry if I misrepresented my point. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted June 6, 2014 Members Share Posted June 6, 2014 In my attempt to be clear I overstated. The morning hour and "cars and trucks". Those things brought to mind Ol' 55. When someone tells me the same I just scan my work to be sure. That was all I was saying. Be sure you didn't. No insinuation on my part. This is great writing. Sorry if I misrepresented my point. I probably shouldn't have said anything. It's just that to me the Tom Waits song is about a very different type of experience with freeway cars and trucks. By the way, mine was a '56. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members nat whilk II Posted June 6, 2014 Author Members Share Posted June 6, 2014 Great feedback. Yes, I'll need to work in the observer who is feeling a point to all these observations. These are really raw lines at present. All I'm doing is bringing up my Word document a time or two a day and seeing if any more lines form themselves out of the black box of mysterious brain goings-on. These are jottings, almost improvs, nothing really worked on yet. No chords, no melody, no music yet, just a little rhythm in the meter is all, some images, and my mood-memory. Where all this comes from is a high school summer in Houston when I took a construction job with a friend with a car - an old rattly VW bug with no a/c. We're talking 1971 here, and the VW was already basically unkillable junk. We were on a crew that put up siding on apartments and such, and the jobs were all over the Houston area from far west Katy to far east Channelview near the refineries and the Houston Ship Channel. It doesn't get more gritty, gravelly, dusty, humid, smelly, sticky, noisy, ugly, and crazy than in that heavy trucking traffic out near the refineries. Breakfast in the bug was a quart of chocolate milk and a sticky bun from the corner store before sweating for 8 hours in the 104 degree humidity up on the wooden scaffolds with no rails. Ah, youth! Such delights of bygone days! So, yeah, I've got to decide on a central attitude to organize the observations around. Don't know if Old '55 was in the back of my mind or not. You know it's been so long since I've heard that song that I can't even recall the melody off the top of my head. But I'd be basically proud to steal a bit from ol Tom, as long as it's not too obvious. No problems, Lee, absolutely. Thx for the comments, really. This one is going to be on the worktable for a while before it can get up and walk around and talk on its own. nat whilk ii Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted June 7, 2014 Members Share Posted June 7, 2014 To Rick's point. I wholeheartedly agree. So, while I would take care to rid it of any accidental or even coincidental Ol' 55 lifts, I would instill it with something from Ol' 55; A reason for this wonderful descriptive narrative. As it stands, you have a FANTASTIC description. Now sprinkle it with a reason. There is an overwhelmingly negative color to the description. So maybe let us in on that. Just a hint. It sounds like you're leaving? Why? You got fired. You're leaving your wife You don't like open carry ( ) You're tired of urban hicks You're just tired of Texas You're not leaving but wish you were? Yes. 1000x yes. Maybe everything stops and you say something like: But the guys in trucks on phones with guns on racks won't let me leave this town tonight... [whatever] Call it Guys in Trucks. All guys in the South have gun racks, right? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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